caffienatedwhilecrying

[caffienatedwhilecrying]

rant IV

life’s a bitch 

i usually try not to believe things like that, but life really ain’t selling the good stuff right now. my boyfriend and i broke up as i finally woke up to what an arsehole he is - and his behaviour since is only proving all my suspicious about his treatment of me, so i’m finding ways to cope with dealing with it 

i’m not doing too bad, but i’m feeling a mix of emotions. college has yet again ramped up the stress which isn’t leaving me much time to process anything

however, i’m learning to find joy in the little things; finding a good song; eating comfort food; being able to read for an hour; knowing i can spend time with my family after dinner when i’ve finished college work some nights; cosy socks; the snow that fell last week; the conversation’s i’ve been having with my bestie at night; watching dan and phil videos at bedtime. all these kind of things i used to only give myself or allow myself to enjoy when i was done with the week, i’m trying to incorporate more into my daily life

even though the majority of my life is stressful and all i want is this part of my life to end, i’m slowly realising how important it is to be kind to yourself. i don’t wanna get too deep as i don’t want every detail on my life online, but i really hope what i have planned for my life, for the people in it, and for me, all works out

and i hope whatever you have planned for your life, the people in it, and yourself all work out

please remember to drink plenty, eat well, sleep, and remember how beautiful you are

xo, caffienatedwhilecrying

[caffienatedwhilecrying]

rant III

i’ve stopped meditating

that didn’t take bloody long, did it? i think i lasted just over a day after i posted my last blog post. my issue is, i can never find the time. what with college becoming yet another hell-scape, even though they’ve cancelled our exams. when i’m not working, i’m thinking that i should be working. when i am working, i’m thinking i need downtime, which i do, massively, but when i’m having my downtime, i feel guilty and think i should be working

like, right now, i feel i should be getting a head-start on a piece of work for an assignment, because i know it takes me a while, but, i haven’t even had it confirmed that i can do that yet

i’m way too much of an overthinker, is my issue. my brain takes an age to switch off, unless i’m ill, and even then it can be a struggle. and just as i figure out how to relax and have my brain relax rather than have my brain plague me with stressful thoughts, it’s time to engage my brain again - it’s what happens over christmas break. as soon as i relax, BAM, BOOM, life’s kicking down my door again

i’m still trying to learn the art of how to relax, and i’m still trying to have a sleep schedule. this is my second week of college this year, and i’m obviously at home as the uk is now in our like, 3rd lockdown, and so far, the earliest i’ve gone to sleep is 2:55. and that was yesterday. doesn’t help that i’m still binging dan and phil videos

tutor dickhead has ramped up his rampage of torment and is currently even worse as we’ve moved to an assignment part of the course with him. he’s borderline sulking that we couldn’t take our exams - not because he feels we’re missing out, but because he feels it’s the only way to gauge how smart a person is, which is utter  b u l l s h i t. he’s one of these, “people will die anyway, corona’s a hoax” people. oh, and did i mention, he’s been coughing his guts up, but didn’t take a corona test as he’s “sure he’s fine”? the idiocy. plus, he’s got some major fucking anger issues

so yeah. i need to try and find ways to stop overthinking (that’ll happen when hell freezes over), and tutor dickhead needs to tone down the dickheadedness

loads of love,

caffienatedwhilecrying xo

[caffienatedwhilecrying]

rant II

i’ve started meditating 

well, i’ve done one “session”, and i already feel a bit better, but that could’ve been because today was a good day in itself. happy new year, by the way! despite how god-fucking-awful 2020 was, i still hold out hope for each new year

i stayed up ridiculously late/early having a dance party by myself in my room and didn’t fall asleep until much, much later/earlier. i also may have fallen down a rabbit hole of watching dan and phil edit videos, but i regret nothing

anyway, meditating. i’ve decided it’s going to be one of my new year’s resolutions (surprising as i don’t really believe in them, and i usually break them on the first day if i make any), as i read it’s supposed to help people with anxiety, and when i found myself worrying about something that i won’t have to do for the next 5 years, and isn’t impacting anything in my life at all at the moment, and won’t do for the next five years, i figured i needed to try something else, rather than just ranting off to my boyfriend on the verge of hysteria while crying (but that works too!)

college for me starts up virtually in less than a week (then i await whatever the fuck is going on and whether i can go on campus once that week is up), and i’m high-key terrified and high-key don’t want to (don’t get me wrong, i’m so grateful to be living in a country where i can get an education but with different-kettle-of-fish tutor, i ain’t getting one) mainly because of different-kettle-of-fish tutor, who’ll we’ll call ‘dickhead’. i’ve never been afraid of hard work, and i usually like getting my hands stuck in with what i’ve got to do, but dickhead and my other tutor don’t seem to understand the appropriate response to a deadly pandemic when people are already suffering, especially mentally, isn’t homework, extra tests, and generally no time for basic human needs. my other tutor isn’t quite as bad, dickhead’s the worst one, but sometimes you can see the same amount of thought (if there is any) from both

my other other tutor though, they’re bloody amazing. they weren’t too long ago a student themselves, but they just completely understand. they took the time to get to know us all, and how we learn, and despite how much work they give, it feels like it’s done with consideration, if you know what i mean?? like, they understand that weekends aren’t just for extra work, and they also understand the concept of mental health days. and they can teach. an accepting, brilliant-at-their-job, understands the students and took the time to do that, plus an understanding of mental struggles?? unheard of (at least where i’m about)

anyhoo, enough of my inane rambling, i’m off to watch dan and phil videos once again. i’ve decided to ignore the oncoming doom of college by burying myself in a dan and phil hole; not healthy, but it’s working rather well!

happy new year, darlings, i hope it’s filled with love, joy, happiness, and peace 

loads of love,

caffienatedwhilecrying xo

[caffienatedwhilecrying]

hello, sweet petals!

a very quick disclaimer to this blog; this is a judgement free, anonymous zone. absolutely everybody is welcome here, this is a safe space for everybody. no bad feeling, offense, brattiness, or harm is ever intended or meant. this is just meant to be a lil place on the internet where people can express what they feel without the fear of being judged, and where people can let off steam 😊

loads of love to you all,

xo

[caffienatedwhilecrying]

rant I

you know that feeling you get when you think, ‘this might as well just happen? my day is going bad enough, this seems fitting?’

that’s me right now. the current joy i’m getting comes from six things; my boyfriend, my best friend, my family, pringles, dan and phil videos, and scrolling through a harry styles fanfiction blog. i know that’s six things more some people may have, but the christmas joy is wearing off, the reality is kicking in, and i hate it. and i’m usually a positive, show-’em-what-you-got kind of person

currently, with corona, everything is up in the air, especially where i go to college. but, to be honest, that doesn’t make much of a difference. most people at my college (staff-wise) wouldn’t be able to tell me if it’s new year or new york, and i’d check if they told me the sky was blue

i’m one of the ones that take corona seriously; i wash my hands, i wear my face mask all the time (one of my tutors nearly threw hands with me because of it), i sanitise, i social distance, and i don’t go out unless i absolutely have to (and because i generally hate the outside, i’m very lucky in the fact that’s easy for me!). but my college is as subpar with safety as it possibly could be. there’s a rule that says we’re supposed to wear masks AT ALL TIMES (it’s literally in bold capitals, it’s like being shouted at by a limp tree) in communal areas, so, like the corridors, cafeteria, and if we’re seen not complying without good reason (i,e, an exemption) we’re supposed to be sent home. hardly anyone’s complying (there are roughly 10 people who have an exemption out of hundreds of students, yet they wear theirs because they’re kind people), and no one sends anybody home. it’s ridiculous. (it’s not that i want people to miss out on education, it’s just my college has been full of empty threats for students and staff for ages, about multiple different things, and we all hoped with the seriousness of corona, they’d have changed. plus, there’s tutors that believe it’s a hoax. like, mate, my parents are vulnerable (truth be told, half the college students, staff and their families are more than likely all vulnerable), we're in your class; wear your fucking mask, kevin.)

we also do half-time, meaning half on campus, half off-campus with online lessons - which would be good if half of the tutors knew how to use technology. and it wouldn’t be so bad if the main person who struggled with the technology wasn’t an ict tutor, but that tutor is a  c o m p l e t e l y  different kettle of fish; if there’s ever an award up for grabs for most incompetent, sexist, offensive teacher, i’m putting that one up for nomination

obviously, everybody is at least attempting to do their best, which is why i don’t mostly say anything. which is actually why i also decided to make this blog. it gives me somewhere to sound off without the worry of being judged by people who know me as this blog is completely anonymous (apart from my boyfriend, he encourages me to sound off and offered to come up to my college and throw hands with my different-kettle-of-fish tutor, which is quite surprising, he’s rather laid-back.) and hopefully it’ll make others feel less alone as well! 

this is a judgement-free* safe space; absolutely everybody is welcome here 😊 no offense, brattiness, or bad feeling is ever meant or intended, this is just a lil place where people can let off steam 😊

*except for my different-kettle-of-fish tutor. that one’s being judged heavily

loads of love,

caffienatedwhilecrying xo