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We looked inside some of the posts by cale-bread and here's what we found interesting.
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I've been disassociating a lot more frequently. i wish someone else can just pilot my body. im so tired.
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i wish there was a way to take a break, without having to do anything to be alive, u kno? like, a literal pause screen, where i just exist outside of this human flesh bounded by time. a main menu i can activate to just not live even if it's just for a moment. if i could, i would LITERALLY rot in bed. I don't even drink or eat anymore unless demanded by my mom sometimes, i wonder why i still wake up every morning only to sleep for the rest of the day
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i'll never be good enough for someone to stay
maybe in another universe you loved me
"you deserve better" is an interesting way of saying im not worth you getting better for
nobody apologized for how they treated me, they just blamed me for how i reacted
dont you dare forget about me. i hope your heart forever aches at the memory of how you treated me
i miss when you were kinder to me. i miss when you loved me
i ruin everything. just leave me already.
~~~
words said by an unknown poet ctto
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everybody abandons me at some point. they finally had enough of me. i guess i was some sort of parasite latching on them and they can't bear it anymore.
whatever
it makes it easier for me to kill myself
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i have acquaintances... others may consider them as friends but sadly my heart just cannot open up to anyone else.
i feel like, the only person i truly cared about has abandoned me. and I dont really blame them.
i noticed it back when i was planning on visiting them to hang out and they even said yes and started asking if i was gonna sleep over and whatnot, and we agreed to talk about the details later on that day but... that person never called or messaged back.
i asked them, "hey, how should i go there?", "what time should we meet up?" no reply.
i felt it then.
it was the same tactic they used when they didn't want someone to go with them.
they were using it on me.
or maybe im just hyperanalyzing things and it got so blown out of proportion that it made their action feel that way but... i digress.
and so... i avoided them.
and that really affected my mental state, really bad.
i got hit with this unbearable and unfathomable feeling of absolute loneliness that i cannot even describe...
there's a "friend" that comes in my place frequently and we hang out, i listen to their problems and connect with them thru our shared traumas, but I dont think i can ever really fully open up to them.
i will never have the same emotional connection with this "friend" as i did with... that person who (i felt like) abandoned me.
and it left such a huge hole in my gut, that i will never ever be able to fill back up.
i will probably stay in contact with those acquaintances... but i can never ever really truly appreciate their company. because in the back of my head, i know... that they only know a curated version of me.
they'll never see me for who i truly am.
and for someone that knows who i truly am, to throw me away like a dirty piece of old and used rug— felt like a punch straight out of left field.
its like... nobody... will ever... love me for me.
i guess... they changed too.
I was foolish for thinking i was worth loving. that i was worth fighting for. that i was worth their effort.
no.
I wasn't.
i really wished i just killed myself back then.
maybe their sentiments of me will still be positive.
now...
i dont know.
im so tired of living.
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reading all those trauma dumping backlogs made me realize i went thru some crazy shit lmao
im all good mentally wise (i guess?) i still cringe in disgust whenever i remember him and the shit he did while we were on video call
but I've talked to [i] abt it and even they're creeped out. did u know that [i] used to like him? lol i accidentally told him that [i] liked him and he talked to [i] abt it and [i] was panicking at the time abt who tf told him, but i told [i] that it was me and told them everything that happened and [i] helped and reassured me and so i got to block him on everything very smoothly.
every now and then i think back to that time and just be swallowed with regret and dissapointment. it's just... he was a really good friend and we vibed so well. why does he have to be a pedophile and a groomer 😭 did u know that he's been doing the same shit to [ine] since 2020??? hahahahahahaa I should've known that since he's doing this shit despite having a gorgeous gf. ugh.
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i say all those shit...
only to be replied with
'👍'
!?!?!!?
what...?
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