caligirloct-blog

[caligirloct-blog]

11th Hour

I've taken a chance. Probably the biggest in a long time. I've gotten three of the documentary crew members to help me and for whatever reason, they agreed.

John most likely because he's a perv and thinks I'll get with him out of some obligation or thanks. Travis agreed probably because he thinks the same thing, yet seems to favor being more friendly to hide his intentions. Then there is Eric, I'm not really sure what he believes he'll achieve from this. Maybe, he just wants to film something more exciting then BTS for a documentary, I don't know.

Regardless of their actual reasons, for the first time I'm not in this alone, so I don’t care why or what is driving them to help me. At the end of the day all I really need is for Eric to capture what ever we find in the basement. Good or bad, I'll learn the truth! All of it! If it's anything at all like my mom tried to hint towards. I'll need those three to help me and my mom escape.

I should just call the police, but they haven't been so helpful before and there still is a part of me that doubts all of this. I don't know why. I just do.

No! I need to know for my self!

I've only just recently found the basement key and the longer I go without using it, the more likely I'll regret missing this chance. The more likely my father will catch on to my discovery and will move it elsewhere like he did his computer.

I hear the moaning and groaning, the clanking and scraping of metal and even the muffled weeping  at night. More so these last two days.  All the odd noises have become much clearly then ever before.  It's like there's a part of me on fire saying I need to act now!

I remembered the first time I heard such noises. I was in the living room staring at the family portrait, I couldn't say for how long, as I was unpacking our moving boxes. I thought I was crazy back then. Now... now I know better then to write it off and ignore it.

Tomorrow morning my parents will be out, for a bit. It's a small window of time, but that's all we need.

As I write this....

I'm shaking...

My skin feels like it would crawl away on it's own if I'm not careful...

Shivers race up and down my spine...

I'm shaking...

Even though my eyes feel heavy. I know I can't afford to fall asleep. I have to make sure nothing happens in the night without my knowledge.

*deep breath*

[caligirloct-blog]

Feel

How would you feel...

if one day...

you woke up...

and you learned the person who is supposed to care for you, love you and protect you...

is someone else's nightmare?

They are the boogeyman in the dark...

to someone else.

They are a monster lurking in board daylight...

to someone else.

They are the shadow that stalks in the distance...

to someone else.

And yet...

that same person...

is viewed as a hope and savor to the eyes of the world.

When in reality...

they are nothing more than a liar and a murderer, in every sense of the word, before the justice system.

How would you feel...

if you one day...

you were to find out...

that this twisted individual, this vile creature, this sorry excuse for a human being...

is the one who would tucked you in at night, who would read you stories or bandage your wounds?

How would you feel?

[caligirloct-blog]

10 Minutes, Changed Everything

The more you pick at a scab, the more likely you are to bleed.

That is all I can say for now.

[caligirloct-blog]

At the Doctors?!

I think I was lost in my own thoughts that somewhere along the line, I kicked into auto pilot and ended up wondering the halls at the hospital. Only to end up at the room where Alec used to be in.

I won't deny it, he was on my mind along with the funeral. Yet, once I got to his old room, I got slapped in the face with a WTF moment. Also, the realization that all this time. Each time that I visited. Not once did I notice the stupid fish hook symbol on the machines next to his bed.

 When I got to his room I was simple mind blown. Then things got strange. I thought maybe I'd run into his nurse Alegre. I figured I could ask her a few questions about it and maybe she would be able to tell me or at the very least point me in the right direction. The nurse working there today told me that Alegre NO LONGER WORKS AT THE HOSPITAL. Like for real?! Is this all a fucking joke?!  So of course the nurse there also didn't know why she was gone or how to get a hold of her. My life is a movie/game so it could never be this easy.

Likely, I'm not brainless. I remembered she called me not that long ago. So I tried contacting her via the phone number that she used to message me regarding Alec on the day his parents decided to be done with him.

Well surprise surprise that phone number is out of service. I have no idea what to think now. How can someone just up and disappear. I joke about my life being a movie, but sometimes I legit think I'm Truman.

Haha I'm laughing so much as I write this, i legit think i might have gone insane lol. If nothing else just now I got to flex how expansive my movie selection is or just how deep my paranoia goes.

What really strikes me as odd is, that after all this time of never noticing or seeing this stupid symbol. Now its everywhere! Not literally, but you get it. It's just so mind altering.

Anyways...

I'm suppose to be released in a few hours and my mom is suppose to pick me up. I have no choice now, but to ask her if she know anything regarding it. God knows I'm about to drop a cop light on my father when I see him. For sure he knows something! It's on the hospital machines.

[caligirloct-blog]

Battle vs Yourself

I feel weird laying here all alone, staring up at the hospital ceiling. Pretty soon I have to put my phone away, but I couldn't help thinking back on the past and the feelings I had/ still have.

Ever since I woke up from my coma, I felt like I was still trapped in a body that was familiar yet not my own. Like physically I am 22 and technically the world views me that way as well, in terms of outward appearances, but how I  feel, and how I see myself at times is vastly different. Often I'm nothing more than 17 years old.

I missed out on a lot of things and slowly I've attempted to catch up and surpass my former self. I graduated! And yet, in many other ways haven't caught up at all.

All this time there has been two of 'me'. The 'me' that woke up and had to pretend to be the daughter my parents thought of. And then, the other 'me', the actual me that gets sad, scared, paranoid and emotional.

Now multiply those two versions of me by another two. These other two are like a state of mind. These other two forms of 'me' shift in trying to figure out what mental state I'm in.  It's like a fight between who I feel I am inside and who I pretend to be on the outside. I know it sounds the same but they mean entirely different things. This is like a battle between my 17 year old personality and what I've assumed to be my 22 year old personality, but how can I claim this 22 year old mind is mine when it's fake to begin with. I don't know.

This is my brain. I run in circles and I never find an end.

Ultimately it's 'me' just talking with 'me'. It's 'me' being Stacy knowing I'm Sarah. It's 'me' being the daughter my parents wanted to save, and see no sign of them missing the daughter they buried. It's 'me' being 22 while feeling like I'm 17. It gets messier and messier as time goes forward and I just wonder when will enough be enough. When will I decided on which 'me' will be real.

[caligirloct-blog]

Tell Me Something I Don't Know

Went to the doctor's today and he told me nothing I didn't already know, because my father has already been making it very clear to me over and over again, that I'm on borrowed time. I know I need a new heart and I know I need to be careful of strenuous activities, but let's keep it real. Laying around most of the day watching Netflix or simply sleeping, isn't all that strenuous.

I have a routine to go eat at my favourite diner, but that's not a far walk. I know that I'm getting weaker, that I'm more prone  to dizzy spells and getting tired tired more easily. I get it. I know I'm dying, but I already have my heart replacement. I'm cheating death once again.

The surgery is the actual risky part. My issue is that they won't even tell me who the donor is. It's so stupid to think that I don't even get to know the name of the person whose life I'm literally stealing. Like yeah, they could be in the same boat as me and are dying already from some other condition, but if it's actually a heart created by my father's research like he talks about. Where it gets made from my own cells. At least tell me it's that! So I don't have to think about someone losing their life to prolong my own.

Ahhhhhhhhh!

They're keeping me here overnight, under my father's request. Out of precaution they say. Most likely out of punishment for the documentary start up again soon. My mom already got her shots in on me. I guess now it's my father's turn.

Mom sent me a text saying she'll be back wednesday morning now. When I stop to think, I sometimes wonder why did they even have kids, if they don't seem to care enough to stay the night with their dying daughter.

The only bright side is I get to keep my phone and I'm not confined to my room.

[caligirloct-blog]

If today was your last day.... such a deep thought provoking question.

[caligirloct-blog]

It's Been Awhile

I haven't had the house to myself for sometime now and even though the cameras don't really make it feel like I'm alone. More like I'm being watched.

I finally get to let loose a little.

Do bathroom selfies and comfy clothes here I come. If hard to explain, but when no one is around I get a confidence boost. Most likely because NO ONE is around.

There is one down side. I was considering asking my parents about the hook symbol. I'll have to save it for when they get back.

[caligirloct-blog]

Hooks, Nipple and Hearts

So after I finish writing my last post about the documentary. I was looking over the previous one that I had done regarding that odd symbol. The weird hook like thing. Looking back at my drawing it looks like a nipple or the sad attempt at drawing a breast, but that's probably my fault. I don't know, it's just a weird looking symbol and I tried searching on the internet for it, like for something sort of like it.

In all honesty I don't even know what I'm looking for or really how to go about looking for it. I was just trying to find something comparable, just something at all comparable to that image and I couldn't find anything. So in the end, I'm back to where I started. I have no idea what that image is or even means.

Maybe I shouldn't be asking myself to find out 'the what', instead I should try and figure out 'the why' of it all.

Anyways, I have a doctor's appointment Monday and I barely have the energy to even function on the daily.  My father said it was probably because of my heart so one more part of me has to be changed, right!

[caligirloct-blog]

Oh Yeah, That.

Okay, I haven't talked about the fact that the documentary was postponed. That seems like something I probably should have mentioned as a side note. However, it happened on the same day that I found out Alec had died. So saying I was a little distracted, would have been an understatement.

They decided to stop the shoot for the time being, to be considerate towards my feeling, my mother's and just our family in general. Claiming to give us some time to grieve. And by some time; they decided on a few weeks.

I believe they said they'd be coming, maybe in November. I'm not sure, but somewhere around like the start.  So, hopefully that's a thing.

Yeah, it's all kinds of fucked.

I guess my mind wasn't really in a place where I was thinking of the documentary, anymore. I know I started off like really gung-ho regarding it, but... No, not now.

I was so focused on Alec and everything that was happening there. That I couldn't be like, 'whoa is me. I don't get to be a star'. That kind of thing, I don't really care about. It's not something I ever really cared about. so, whatever I guess.

We'll start it back up whenever we start it back up. I don't even believe they finished their interview with my father. So, that's something we'll have to do as well. I didn't even get to start my interview and I don't think they even did my mom. So there's that too. Either way I'll keep you posted.

[caligirloct-blog]

What does this mean?

This image was on my mind tonight. Or last night.

It's roughly 4:27 in the morning as I write this. My days mostly consist of me sleeping. I just feel weak and tired lately, but I can't get this image out if my head.

I have no clue what it means. I don't think if ever seen it before.

I was so angry with Alec's parents about not giving him a burial or even just a last visitation, now I just can help but wonder why that symbol was on his urn.

[caligirloct-blog]

Bed Head

I'm just hurting all over.

I don't want to get dressed up or out of bed.

I just want to stay in the clothes I slept in.

I want to just dream away all this pain and frustration.

I can hardly think.

My mind for once is drawing a blank. Maybe, that's why it's so easy to just fall back asleep. I can simply close my eyes and not fear the chattering of my brain. That's probably the only upside.

Oh.The sun light feels nice right now.

So there is that too.

[caligirloct-blog]

The Saddest Funeral

If you looked only at the title you probably thought this was going to be a post about a how everyone cried and the eulogies were amazing. How it rained so much that the black umbrellas and black outfits just looked so slick and cool as we stood around a dig grave and watched the casket lower slowly. If that's what you imagined, then I have to tell you. You were once, more creative.

The main reason. The real reason. Hell! The only reason this funeral could be considered sad, was because of my mom. Thus, aking this the sorriest excuse of a funeral.

Yup! You heard it. The only person even bothering to shed a tear was my mom. I was still pissed off at Alec's parents for killing their own son, by taking him off life support. To make it worse, this wasn't the first time they tried it. Back when I had come out of my coma, they were planning to take Alex off life support but only opted to wait a bit longer because I managed to wake up relatively healthy.

But, what set me a blaze even more then coming to the realization that his parents are killers. Is finding out they chose to burn him over giving him a actual burial.

WITHOUT EVEN TELLING ANYONE!

They simply thought they could just carry in this urn with his ashes and just places him on the table like some center piece.

I was so furious! Not even a real burial. Not even bothering to give him last visitations.

No visitations!! Like WTF!!! 

Nothing. Clearly you can tell his parents didn't care enough. They only saw him as a burden.

I had such a struggle finding an outfit, but for what! For this pathetic gathering of people to look at an urn with his ashes. How could they?!

HOW DARE THEY!

HOW DARE THEY!

HOW DARE THEY!

HOW DARE THEY!

HOW DARE THEY!

HOW DARE THEY!

HOW DARE THEY!

HOW DARE THEY!

HOW DARE THEY!

HOW DARE THEY!

HOW DARE THEY!

HOW DARE THEY!

How dare they!

How dare they!

How... dare .. they...

[caligirloct-blog]

Whenever I feel down or low. Going back to my bed seems to be the only solution. Alec wasn't mine, not really. I'm not even me.

How did everything get so fucked up! Why did I just let others decide who I was to be.

Now I'm back in my old room. Feeling empty and alone.

Stacy... I'm so sorry... I tried so hard to save Alec for you. I did all I could to be there for him, like you would. I selfishly took over your life because I was jealous of you. I regret everything.

[caligirloct-blog]

At 4:42 PM Oct 9th, I had to witness the greatest cruelty.

No one should have their life taken away because they are no longer convenient or to much trouble. How dare you decide to give up after he fought so much, for so long.

I didn't even get the chance to say thank you and goodbye. I'm hoping you got to meet up with my sister.

RIP Alec

[caligirloct-blog]

Camera Shy

My God! I don't understand what's wrong with me. I knew the camera guys were supposed to be coming yesterday. Yet, all I could do was hide under my blankets. I was so scared to actually go out there and the fact that they were arriving while my parents weren't home didn't help at all. so, I literally cowered behind the door as they knocked on it repeatedly. In my head I was just like, "No! Nope, no no no no, I'm not going to answer. Nope, I'm not here".

Then like a miracle my parents came. They did all the greeting for me. I swear it was the most traumatizing thing I've ever experienced. like I was so nervous and shakey that my anxiety was through the roof.

I legit believe it was all because of this past week, or maybe the past few months. I've just been on such high alert. I have all these doubts about myself, my family and people in general. Yet, I still keep finding myself reaching out. Hoping for someone to save me. Hope for 'him' to save me. Even if it's just from my self.

Needless to say, if you saw my posts yesterday you would have known I was a full-on coward. I literally just sought refuge in my blankets. I'll have to do a lot better today! Maybe, I'll try to go for a walk soon to clear my head and hopefully when I get back, it'll appear as some kind of grand entry. I'm the star right?! I should try and act like it, even if just a little.

[caligirloct-blog]

Trying to normalize the abnormal.