camille-writes - Tumblr blog

[camille-writes]

my dad left to work overseas yesterday and since then my mom has been going on and on about my dad is getting tired of his job and kept pushing him to just do it until me and my brother graduate. long story short, my brother still hasn't enrolled yet so the first one to ever graduate between the two of us is none other than me :')

last night i suddenly experienced this severely overwhelming sense of dread at the thought that i will never escape this family. i wanted to study more abroad, move out and experience life independently. suddenly i've been shackled into this life where i have to graduate, work and pay for this family's needs. i don't want to live like that. i want to be free for once. have my own space instead of this one small bed being the only space i could have. i don't want to be 30 without ever experiencing my own room. i can't imagine working for the whole day and coming home to sleep on the top part of a bunk bed right next to my parents' bed.

just imagining being the breadwinner and having to never experience living already makes my anxiety spike up

[camille-writes]

why are the last pics of manga translations mostly porn like wtfff,,, id be reading the most angsty piece of writing ever and then BOOM a cock. LET ME READ.

[camille-writes]

hi had a mental breakdown,,, actually still having a mental breakdown haha typing while crying lol all because of chicken mcnuggets KSKSKSK mom berated me for being stupid and the fact that i ordered it without rice just added fuel to the fire. went to the bathroom to cry for a bit then went back out to serve food for my little sister. dad didn't say anything and now im on my bed typing this out just to get it out there i guess. i don't really want to rant to my friends about me crying just because i bought chicken nuggets,, even i just chuckled rn. no one is reading these either so why not. im trying to calm myself down now since im preparing to sleep soon and i don't want to wake up with puffy eyes tomorrow even though i am just planning to haul up on my bed the whole day maybe. they'll probably act like this never happened when tomorrow comes. but i guess this incident will forever play at the back of my head now whenever i order stuff.

[camille-writes]

it's funny how a few words from my parents have made me feel so stressed i feel woozy. they asked my sister what she wants for dinner and so we picked McDonald's, i proceeded to show them my phone of the price and stuff and they gave it back to me without saying anything so i assumed they were okay with us ordering. fast forward to a few minutes later and my mom told us we're just eating hotdogs for dinner and i panicked bc how do i cancel orders in food panda wtf TT thankfully my dad said it was fine.. but im not sure if it's really fine. they will probably drag me about it later and rn im stressing over that,,, my chest feels heavy and it's kinda hard to breathe but it's bearable enough to let this out. wow never thought McDonald's would make me this scared?? stressed? idk how to explain it anymore.

[camille-writes]

my eyes itch a lot for some reason,, idek what's going on with them and i've been resisting the urge to rub them since that's like a bad idea right KSKSKSKSKSKS

anyways i've been sleeping early these days and consequently wake up earlier compared to before. Now the days just seem longer,, even tho it's the way it's always been. I'm trying to get my life back on track and in return i have to spend more hours just drowning in boredom. great.

[camille-writes]

im hanging out with my cousins. the whole eating out thing continued which is pretty fun so far. im holding on to one of the tables outside since the seats inside of Starbucks are full. there was a dog breathing heavily behind me just now which kinda freaked me out a bit but sure. It's a fairly big dog now that i look at it. earlier we ate pasta at yellow cab, i ordered a chackie chan if i remember correctly. the meat was so tender holy fuck it was good. didn't like how much peanuts were in there tho. it's starting to rain now lol. shit.

i really want to revamp this blog of mine. not just change colors but ya know,,, the whole pizzaz with the format on desktop and shit.

[camille-writes]

[camille-writes]

if i was a boy id probably be a very different person. not just physically but down to my very core. id probably be an asshole since majority of the childhood trauma that eventually shaped me into the "nice" person i am today stemmed from the fact that i was born a girl. id probably have a few girlfriends already. probably not a virgin anymore nor a president lister. maybe id probably still be the same if i was a boy. that would probably make me feel better than the former.

[camille-writes]

me and my cousin were craving chicken wings jn.. we keep reeling in our other cousins to join us but sadly, one didn't want to go and the whole plan just fell apart so now I'm at home just craving chicken wings >:(

[camille-writes]

accidentally ate an eggshell wtf

[camille-writes]

i don't want to get married.

i wanna experience love. cuddle up to someone on a rainy day. take pictures of each other. kiss. make and eat food together. watch our favorite movies. cry and lean on one another. travel to different places. live in the same house. take care of each other.

but i don't want to get married.

[camille-writes]

today is another one of my father's bad days. By this I mean him being in a bad mood at the expense of everyone now walking in eggshells. He's not abusive nor is he neglectful. He just has issues. I guess all dads have those. Some worse than others.

Don't get me wrong I'm grateful for my father. I'm grateful that he gives us food on the table. I'm grateful that he gives us a place to stay. I'm grateful that he works in order for us to survive.

However there are times when i really don't like him. The times he made my mother cry. The one time when I was 12 and he locked me out of the house because I was out past 6pm (i came home 5 minutes late). The time when he kicked me and my brother out and told me off for going to my aunt's (his sister) meanwhile my brother stayed with our uncle (his brother), both of which lived under the same house yet he only got mad at me. The times when he used to call me "malandi" or "pokpok" (both of which mean slut) during my teen years just because I was friends with a boy. The list goes on...

In the end, he's still my father I guess.