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In all my years on earth. Of all the lessons I’ve learnt. The failures I’ve experienced. The saccharine catharsis of finally returning back home into your very own body after bouts of deep disassociation and depression. The beautiful growth thats so easily identifiable after enduring the burning embers of hell in the form of debilitating anxiety and the intense private rituals that beg to be unleashed to help quell the obsessive intrusive thoughts and images that plague my everyday life…

Throughout it all, I have found that nothing defines the meaning of man far more than enduring the powerful and visceral pain of a tummy ache.

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"Holy shit, Nat. What did you do?"

YELLOWJACKETS 3.06 "Thanksgiving (Canada)"

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Lordes new record man. A lot of feelings. Reeling at the thought of getting older. Of having agency over my body, my mind and soul. The freedom that follows. To know how hard I have dedicated my entire transition into adulthood into accepting and forgiving. Of knowing the special place I hold in the lives I’ve touched along the way. Of never seeing myself as superior but as an equal. As a being. To hope and desire for the wellbeing of the ones I’ve met and the ones I never will. It always eats at me. The desire to immortalize the beautiful beings I’ve met along the way who have taught me of desire and loss and hunger and hope. How I wish I could equalize art to the effect they’ll forever have inside my beating heart. Like my mother, I worship, not of a god, but of the self. Of the past. Of the present. And of the future. Of the eyes of my dog, who looks at me with unconditional love and affection i had force myself to learn to accept. How fragile it is to hold all of that inside my palms. Nothing stands between me and the desire to keep going anymore. The hell I’ve accepted. The version of myself I’ll never learn to control. Who it is I am in everyone’s eyes. I long and lust and forgive and fail and recover and change and grow. How beautiful it is to be allowed to grow.

I hope you too, will learn how wonderful it is to grow.

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Rural Ohio, January 2024.

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I love the way it always feels to miss you

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“I was a fucking queen”

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One day, you start thinking life is the absolute most serious experience you will ever succumb to and inevitably force yourself to try and understand and then you happen to find out that Lou Reeds last fucking tweet before he died was a My Little Pony reference and suddenly life starts to seem like such a silly little fucking concept.

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From 'Night Time, My Time' album art shoot, Sky Ferreira photographed by Gaspar Noé, 2013

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Carrie (1976) dir. Brian De Palma

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When it hits you like a freight train that all the time you’ve spent healing has also somehow made a dent in the friendships and relationships you’ve built and you start wondering if anything is worth salvaging when the reality is that none of these motherfuckers ever reached out when you were at your lowest and despite you reaching out and saying superfluous bullshit like “I miss you!” And “we should hang out soon” they still somehow never found the time and space to share their company with you, so why should I even begin to bother to hold on to these individuals when it seems as if they let go long, long, ago?

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Illustrations by Stephen Gammell for Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark

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The saw is family…

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possession (1981) dir. andrzej żuławski

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"1000 kids lost limbs to bombs in Gaza"

Graffiti written on a "pro-life" billboard in Medford, Oregon

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before the harvest