candiedspit - Tumblr blog

[candiedspit]

Feel really good today got a lot done this morning I’m more able to emote

I think I’m actually still depressed….getting slightly better but still unable to eat & sleeping most of the day lol

[candiedspit]

I think I’m actually still depressed….getting slightly better but still unable to eat & sleeping most of the day lol

[candiedspit]

Flushed all of my gabapentin

[candiedspit]

I hate shopping

[candiedspit]

Feeling especially paranoid today …….but do feel better mood wise

[candiedspit]

Hello little alien people in my phone

[candiedspit]

Also very rough draft of the cover for my novella shrine…coming out in June via Junkie Scholar Press….more details and finished cover soon…..

[candiedspit]

Hi I have no friends if anyone would like to be my penpal my email is feelingsfeeler7@gmail.com

[candiedspit]

very interested in dissolving from the world basically a more extreme version of what I do now stay in the house sometimes go on a walk forget to eat write for hours don’t speak to anyone be monk be the manic depressive monk

[candiedspit]

Slowly writing my book + my dog tattoo I did myself sometime in 2022

[candiedspit]

If it’s not too personal, what happened with the gabapentin? Taking it right now and it seems to help me, but I’ve heard a lot of nasty things about it as well! Haven’t been on it too long, though…Sending my love (per usual)! 🫶🏻

Not too personal I wish more people would talk about it! So I’ve been taking gabapentin on and off for like four years, using it for sleep. But in the ,at three months, I’ve been using it every day I used to take it at work to make the work easier lol and sometimes it doesn’t even really work so just for myself I’d like to take breaks from it. It’s not really addictive but it feels weird to take it every day to chase a certain high from it. Sometimes it makes me really euphoric lol anyway I wouldn’t worry about it if it helps you!

[candiedspit]

Done with gabapentin. Elias is coming home tomorrow afternoon. People love me. People want me alive. I wrote three pages of my novella, listening to Frank Sinatra and vaping huge blows of smoke. Earlier I laid down but couldn’t sleep, the pungent scent of dog piss, dirty clothes all around me. I always find a way to make it to the next morning. I don’t wanna be alone. Leave me alone.

[candiedspit]

Moon In Speed Moodboard

[candiedspit]

You thought you found the thing, I said out loud to the garbage cans, the vaguely threatening spikes of the fence guarding the park, the elderly man at the end of his millionth cigarette.

You thought you had found the thing that was going to keep you alive, I continued, waving my cigarette around as I spoke.

The girl you had been waiting to meet your entire life. The crystal to your ball. The one who knew the way you grooved, who understood the world as you knew it, saw the fissions in the skyline, watched the sun dribble down like a belly dancer with her foreign diamonds, tasted the same heat, heard orchestras in building demolitions, the melodies in a cup of black coffee as you weep in the living room, hungover and sweating you are done with the beast. But going back and back like a wounded dog. And she wanted the same things. To be taken by a UFO at the end of a long summer day; the wheat standing still in the cool night. She wanted an easy exit. She wanted to be anybody else. She wanted to dream as you wanted to dream. She shared the same language, the tones of people trapped in a burning room.

And you had her; for a year, you were in the same room, I said, speaking to the trees.

Licking the same piece of licorice, falling into the same wondrous and terrible sleep. Sometimes too altered to speak. Not needing to speak. You shot her up on Christmas Eve, her face glistening with hushed pinks from the lights you convinced her to get. You wore her panties around the house. Filled a plastic kiddie pool with water from the hose and waved, handed out lollipops to the kids next door and to whoever you saw. Opioid receptors. Movies you would forget you watched. Fights over a gram. Slow dancing in the kitchen to Sinatra records, kissing her exactly where she wanted to be kissed. Staying together on the couch, watching the world pass through you.

We never wanted that world, she said one evening as the newscast told us about terrorism, wars. We never wanted that stupid world.

There’s no room for us, I said and held her close.

You wanted to be an eyelash on her face. She was petroleum. She was cake. She taught you how to use a needle. You had figured out a way to live. And could see yourself living in the trailer park for years to come.

And eventually you and her would kick the habit.

This was a secret desire. A week of atomic bombs and shallow waters. But you would get clean and meet her parents. There would be large thanksgiving dinners, happiness.

And when she ended things, you bought a gun. But you were rushed to the clinic before you could smear yourself out of existence. You mourn her at night. You smell her milk. You hope she is in a field, watching the light lounge over the grass. You hope she is alive. You hope she wants to be. As for yourself, the bomb could go off and you would light another cigarette, watching the fallout blot the sunlight with a famed nonchalance. And as the fire reached you, you would picture her in your mind. The only miracle you’ve known.

[candiedspit]

I wanna be a street photographer at my big age

[candiedspit]

I want Wes Anderson to direct my suicide

[candiedspit]

depressed as shit