captainpoopweinersoldier

[captainpoopweinersoldier]

I know that some British people take umbrage at Americans calling the Great British Bake Off relaxing, but it's just because GBBO is such a different kind of stressful from American baking shows.

American baking shows will be called something like "Cupcake Knife Fight", there's horror movie lighting everywhere and dramatic stings every 5 seconds. All of the contestants are shit talking each other and fist fighting over the one single deep fryer provided by production. It will show the judges all whispering to each other at their super villain table overlooking the whole kitchen, and one will be like, "Oh my god. Everyone look at Brenda right now. She's straight tanking it." And it will cut to Brenda, who is running around covered in flour and crying and also bleeding for some reason. Then you get a clip from an interview with one of the contestants, and they're like, "I really need to win this. Without this award money, I'm gonna need to close my restaurant, sell my dad, and live out of my car. AGAIN." Then the giant digital doomsday clock overhead lets out a horrid klaxon, the judges tell half of them that their cupcakes taste disgusting, and one of them gets eliminated and sent to walk down the dramatically-lit shame hallway never to be seen again.

Meanwhile GBBO is in a lovely, brightly colored tent, there are delightful and friendly hosts/jesters there to keep everyone entertained, and all of the B Roll is of like... a bumblebee going into a flower, or a lamb running in a field. And yes, there will be moments where someone will mess up their timing or something, and they'll be looking at their bake through the oven door like, "oh gosh I don't think this will rise in time!" Then they stand up to find Paul Hollywood directly behind them ominously. His creepy whitewalker eyes will glow white, and he'll say something like "the 12th of June. 2035. Drowning." And his eyes will go back to normal and he'll walk away. Then the baker gives a playful grimace to the camera and says "that didnt sound great, did it?". Cut to a sweet looking older woman sipping tea on a stool and she says "oo I do hope that Prue enjoys the taste of my sugary, sticky baps!". Then, at the end, someone gets a gold star for doing good, and the loser of the episode gets in the middle of a giant group hug. You see all of them at the end of the series at a giant carnival with their families and the post credits informs you that all of the contestants have become a Partridge Family-style traveling band and stayed friends forever.

[captainpoopweinersoldier]

men should kiss each other with tongue.

[captainpoopweinersoldier]

i don’t know how to explain to you people that no matter what a country’s government is like i do not and will not support the US indiscriminately bombing that country’s civilians and i don’t know why that’s a controversial take tbh

[captainpoopweinersoldier]

Have you ever been in love with someone who didn't return that love? - Yeah, Lenny… I have. - Didn't stop you from loving them, right? Or being able to understand them or forgive them? - I guess. - Didn't stop you from wanting to protect them… did it?

LENNY NERO & LORNETTE "MACE" MASON Strange Days │1995

[captainpoopweinersoldier]

lukewarm take but i personally do not give a shit if poor people cheat a system that was designed to fail them anyways. i also coincidentally do not enjoy the taste of boot rubber

[captainpoopweinersoldier]

don't ever look up what your childhood friends are up to now!!!!!!!!!! like girl you're a nuclear safety engineer. i put on matching socks today. we played tag a thousand years ago.

[captainpoopweinersoldier]

Five months into Trump's presidency, and we are in a war.

Did his supporters have that on the bingo card?

[captainpoopweinersoldier]

i dont lose interest in favorite characters they just get added to my extra inventory slots

[captainpoopweinersoldier]

remmick

[captainpoopweinersoldier]

You know something? Maybe once a week, I wake up paralyzed… reliving that night. But before the sun went down, I think that was the best day of my life. Was it like that for you? No doubt about it.

SINNERS (2025) dir. Ryan Coogler

[captainpoopweinersoldier]

[captainpoopweinersoldier]

The Fallen Angel (1847) by Alexandre Cabanel vs Anakin Skywalker: Revenge of the Sith (2005) Dir. George Lucas

[captainpoopweinersoldier]

PEDRO PASCAL as Joel Miller The Last of Us | S02E06 - The Price

[captainpoopweinersoldier]

"What do you want from a remake" I DON'T WANT THEM. I DON'T WANT ANOTHER SOULLESS NOSTALGIA-FILLED CASH-GRAB. I DON'T WANT ANY OF THEM. I DON'T WANT ADAPTATIONS THAT KILL THE ORIGINAL MESSAGE OF THE THING THEY WERE BASED UPON NEITHER THE SHOT-BY-SHOT DESATURATED RECREATIONS. I WANT ORIGINAL STORIES!!! NOT REMAKES OF MOVIES THAT AIN'T EVEN 30 YEARS OLD!!!​AAGGGGGHHH

[captainpoopweinersoldier]

[captainpoopweinersoldier]

Spin this wheel first and then this wheel second to generate the title of a YA fantasy novel!

(If the second wheel lands on an option ending with a plus sign, spin it again)

Share what you got!

[captainpoopweinersoldier]