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[captainsavea-bro-blog]

I’m the Nexus

I had forgotten what it was like to be free.

I’ve always been the “whore” because I enjoyed new experiences and was always looking for the next person that might be able to please both my sexual and emotional needs.

On this specific night I was reminded of two polar opposites that I had slept with and had two completely different endings with.

The skinhead and the black dude.

Technically the half black dude, but that’s minuscule information. I had been around the world (or at least it felt like it) and back. Granted, I have been given the chance to “hookup” with men from other countries, but I always felt like I’d be misrepresenting our country to give them that let down, so I always passed them off on other friends - let them have that let down on their shoulders. Anyways, I had run into friends of the skin head that reminded me of that mess... Years ago, I had run into a friend that I had been friends with for years (but never tried anything with because he was always too “cool” which in reality meant he tried too hard, and then after running into him this time, it meant he spent a ridiculous amount of time educating himself on gun laws and what it took to be republican - which never matters in the realm of hookups).  In my mind, we had never spent much time entertaining the thought of the other, but this night it was like all either of us had ever done was dream of this accidental collision. I had tried breaking up a fight and got by eyeball clawed in the midst, and he tried to clean me up after. We all know what happens after a drunken man brings home an inebriated woman. But I had expected full term abortion type rejection.... instead, he turned over and cried because he hadn’t had an emotional experience, like the sex I had to offer had given him, in a long while apparently. It was unnerving. I thought about it for days, weeks, months, and clearly years, following, It didn’t bother me daily, but since I never addressed what happened, and just ran away, it came up every time I had another “should I run” type situation. Which came up this night.

I had begun seeing him after a few of my friends started doing shows with him. My initial crush started at one of the first shows and developed when I won tickets to a private sweet at some ridiculous local hip hop show - why you need a private sweet to drink and watch a hundred people you don’t know nor care about is beyond me, but he helped direct us and I finally realized he was attractive then. I was seeing someone, and so was he. Around the same time we both broke it off and ended up drinking with the same group of friends. At first it was a secret we both treated as foreplay. The first night I brought him home I made an ass of his race by making fun of his fear of dogs (I own 4, large dogs) and his penis size (I’m white, and not a size queen). After I apparently blew his mind the first time, it was a weekly occurrence until I started dating someone exclusively. We didn’t last long, and soon I was back on the single train, and dating again. One night I met the “crew” at a bar and dude asked me to help him avoid a friend of mine that had been trying to “slip in the dm’s” as the generation says. He also added that I was on a guest list to his show the next night (not a big deal, it was a 10 dollar show). I fussed over how it couldn’t be true, and how he should go talk to my friend being that she had been single and trying to get to him this whole time and he refused. Turns out, the next night, I was on the guest list. He proceeded to tell me that he had some life threatening condition and wanted to have children ASAP so he could enjoy being a father, and that he wanted me to be his surrogate mother. We discussed this numerous times that night, along with him wanting me to leave the country with him when the time came - as he planned on- and how drunken words are sober thoughts. I told him to sleep on it. The next day, and several bad decisions later, he regretted all of it. To the point of embarrassing me. As if I had been the person saying all of this and making an ass of myself. All I had done is open my legs and tell him to ask me again when he was sober - not so bad, or so I thought. Since then he acted off. Still wanting the attention, and “want” all the while acting as if I had been the person confessing my undying love for him. While I hope this is the last I post of him, since the sex isn’t much to brag about and his personality sucks I can’t make any promises, because lonely vaginas create desperation.

Tonight it came to a head. I was confronted by a friend that said I too often let people manipulate me into telling them what they want to hear, or that I tell people what I think they want to hear instead of the truth because I‘m afraid of hurting their feelings. 

So, I decided to start a game. For 1 week, I will be completely honest. Regardless of how I think people will take it (aside from work, because obviously I can’t risk losing my job). I started with these two. The first hasn’t replied to me yet. The second again acted like I confessed unrequitted love and had been losing my mind over his overrated bedroom skills. I am so looking forward to this next week, And I look forward to telling everyone how this works out. I’m emotionally exhausted from trying to keep all of these half par boys pleased while leaving my mind and vagina high and dry.

I hope to have pointers and/or good reading material soon.

[captainsavea-bro-blog]

“I’m sorry but I fell in love tonight”

Introductory post I suppose. More so a depressed rant.

Society now expects permission for anything, including feelings. You must be granted permission to enjoy a persons company, or even to hate them. 

I was once told that I was wrong for feeling a certain way. A guy had been leading me on, and then bailed (no biggy), but we had been friends. So it got weird, and I acted as such. Not unfriendly, but not as open. And I was confronted. When I told him that I was hurt because I read things one way, he flat out told me my emotions were wrong. He told me that I was wrong for feeling hurt. 

You can’t be WRONG for feeling something. You can be wrong on a multiple choice question. Not in how your mind works,

Your emotions are not justified just because you have them. But you can’t change them. You have little to no power over how you feel about anything!

In high school why did you feel repulsed by cutting open a dead frog or pig in science? It’s an educational experience. The animal is dead. You didn’t kill it or cause its death. But you feel guilt. And you can’t change that.

Why do you care about the people that should mean the least? Why do you get embarrassed for feeling that way? We are all entitled to how we feel, always. But we aren’t allowed to be, and we are ridiculed constantly for it.