carlpass

[carlpass]

Mama, Papa, how does it feel when you’re released from your body?

Is it painful?

Or is it freeing?

I’ve encountered a strange phenomenon. It was only for like two seconds but it felt like forever. I was closing my eyes, when suddenly the image of Papa in his deathbed showed up. Then I was trying to imagine what happened inside his brain. Suddenly, I felt sucked up into another world, it was a world full of contradiction.

It’s like I’m trapped and freed at the same time, I can’t see anything yet I see everything, I can’t feel anything yet I feel everything, I was placid and terrified at the same time, everything and everyone in which I’m living with did not exist in that world not even in my memory.

In that timeless world it was just bodiless me, this unlimited gigantic force which is familiar and comfortable, and this gnawing feeling of guilt and fear tying me up like a chain. I felt naked right to the core and I was wondering, was this the preview of the world you’re in right now? Do I still exist in your memory?

I miss both of you so much, but I took my time to grieve in a healthy way so you don’t need to worry. I’m getting stronger by the day that I wished you guys can see. I’m taking my time to let out these emotions right now, I know both of you wouldn’t read this. But then again, thank you for teaching me how to be strong.

I’ll survive.

[carlpass]

These are what I learned after tasting the tiny tip of hell:

Humility is the beginning of growth. Pride gets us nowhere and miserable.

It takes humility to actually learn something, it allows you to move freely unafraid of failure, to accept mistakes and to listen carefully. It’s a tunnel for your growth, the more humble you are, the faster you can grow.

Pride and Insecurity are two face of a same coin. The more you lower your pride, the less insecure you will be.

Happiness is a symptom, not a destination. Pursue well-being, not the happiness.

Our auto coping mechanism isn’t good for long-term well-being. We have to proactively think and take action to actually solve problems or at least find a healthy way to cope instead of giving in to our auto coping mechanism

Truth is bitter but it is essential for your well being.

Most people cope by being less accurate in seeing what’s happening.

Being harmless isn’t the same as being good. It takes so much strength to be good. It’s awaking the monster within you and deliberately choose to be good. Being harmless without the capacity to be dangerous is just being weak.

Taking time to reevaluate priority is essential

Purpose and meaning are made, not found.

It is illogical to think that pursuing your passion means ONLY doing what you love. There will be a lot of sacrifices to make.

Like a sharpener for our knife, that is life for our soul.

It is in our hands whether we have a meaningful or meaningless life. We’re the ones who gives meaning to our life.

Think deeper on what makes you grateful

Kind people are not always necessarily nice and vice versa.

Being quick to judge is a trap. Keep your observations ongoing with checkpoints.

Blaming is useless, it hinders your vision to see the truth.

Being emotional is okay, our emotions are valid, but it is not an excuse to dwell on something too much, it will make us stupid.

Be reliable to ourselves, cause no matter how much support system we have, the only human who can save us is ourselves.

Resentment causes nothing but suffering.

Respect yourself and others equally.

Be kind to yourself and others equally.

Take things as it is and not personally. It saves you from a lot of heartbreak and drama.

Last but not least, guard our hearts from the ugly feelings. Throw away envy, arrogance, hate, ignorance, unnecessary worries, denial, greed and everything else that’s bad and unnecessary.

That’s not all but I’m sleepy so Imma just edit this anytime I remember something new. 😴

[carlpass]

Checkpoint

I’m lost for words, really. When I’ve reached thirty I can finally see my life better than I used to. I see the struggles and what my parents have to go through because of me. I see them as how they are as an individual struggling their best to protect, love, and educate their children. I saw the struggles of my brothers trying to survive as a man in this hellhole of earth. I see the reality of things in a better perspective; much more accurate than the early years of my life.

It’s as if I’ve been reborn. But when I looked back, it seemed like I paused myself and my own growth since puberty and foolishly fed my ego to the max til my late twenties. I was born blessed, my ego bloated over the limit and become spoiled. But God didn’t led me astray. He pulled me back from evil by giving me strength to handle whatever it was trying to annihilate me. He put me in a place where I can grow.

The process was not pretty. I was mentally destroyed and no one can actually realize that because I didn’t have the ability to keep opening up. I found that telling someone about my big troubles didn’t bring me any peace at all and no one would understand cause we are all brought in different circumstances. Hence the silent pain lmao. Plus, both of my parents are gone from this earth as a climax of those hellish years. I would be happy to join them in those years.

In that horrible timeline, God was my only hope and He did fulfill it in the end. My faith was up and down in that storm, I’ve been on-and-off feeling very alone and stuck in the worst place. I’ve wished to die for hundreds of time every second of the day in those painful years. I hurt myself in a way I never thought I could. I even thought that I won’t even live til 30 but God proved me wrong. He snapped me out of my delusions. He sent me people who support me, love me, and most importantly: sharpened me.

I was purged for half a decade, it wasn’t pretty but it was all I needed. I went to catch up all the mindset that I should’ve had long time ago. It was fucking painful but it was liberating af. I can feel that He prepared me for my loss, and press resume on my paused growth.

Now, I’m living the dream that I had when I was 5. A housewife with a man and children of my dreams. I even got an extra by also being a musician. I am truly and utterly grateful.

30s are chill time indeed, even when the start was already too rough in grieve.

But still,

Thank God.

[carlpass]

laughed way too hard for this

Big Dick Energy:

ESFP (f) ENFP (m & f) ISFP (f) ESTP (m & f) ESTJ (m & f) INTJ (f) ENFJ (m & f)

Average Dick Energy:

ESFJ (m & f) ISFP (m) ISFJ (m & f) ISTJ (m & f) INFJ (m & f) INTJ (f)

Small/Overcompensating Dick Energy:

INTJ (m) ENTJ (m & f) ENTP (m & f) ESFP (m)

Big Fairy Energy: 

INFP (m & f)

Big Ghost Energy:

INTP (m & f)

No Energy:

ISTP (m & f)

Thanks for coming to my ted talk. 

[carlpass]

Edgy Bastard (ISTP me) x Oblivious Queen (ENFJ husband)

tag urself i’m oblivious bastard

[carlpass]

“With every act of self care your authentic self gets stronger, and the critical, fearful mind gets weaker. Every act of self care is a powerful declaration: I am on my side; each day I am more and more on my side.”

— Susan Weiss Berry

[carlpass]

“Note to me… I am the one who talks to me in my darkest moments. I’m the only one who really knows my deepest fears and pains, and the inner turmoil I have suffered. I’m the one with the power to put myself down or build myself up with my inner self talk. Other people can support, hold, love, encourage, guide and teach me but I am still the most important person who can make the choice to always love and be there for me - and I will. I’ll be there for me.”

— www.facebook.com/ProfessionalCounsellingandWellnessServices

[carlpass]

Lost child

Even if I only get to stay behind the fence and work until my bones break, as long as I can live with You, I would forever be grateful.

Forgive me, Father.

[carlpass]

“Do not speak badly of yourself - for the warrior within hears your words and is lessened by them.”

— David Gemmell

[carlpass]

“The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.”

— Richard Moss

[carlpass]

(R/K)acau

I suddenly remember one day when I was 6 years old, I cried in my house because I was feeling homesick. The house was a shelter but the feeling of home lies within my mother. She went out somewhere along the way that day, so I had to come home first with my relatives. An hour felt like eternity waiting for her to come home. It was devastating.

For years I have forgotten about that day, until today I felt it again. But the difference is, this time I can’t count by hours, because she was gone for eternity. This is devastating.

Days before she was gone I was feeling lost, it’s as if there’s a broken link in my underconscious, a big one.

But then again, I know for sure she’s happy now. And I should too. Well, if I were to feel homesick, I might as well be grateful that I knew what home felt like.

Thank you, mom.

I miss you.

See you.

[carlpass]

Aku tidak berbakat dan kamu tidak peduli

“Lihatlah ini Bone, belakangan ini warna-warna yang kupakai tidak enak sekali dilihatnya. Ini jauh dari rancanganku.” Kutunjuk kanvas itu dengan kesal dan menoleh ke arah Bone, laki-laki yang sedang sibuk menulis lagunya disampingku. “Tidak apa, nasi goreng juga waktu belum matang bentuknya tidak enak. Lanjutkan saja.” Katanya setelah melirik lukisanku.

Mendengar komentarnya membuat kesalku reda, lalu aku melanjutkan melukis dengan heran. “Membuat sesuatu kadang terasa seperti memecahkan teka teki ya, rasanya aneh. Seru, susah-susah gampang, tapi aneh. Kamu juga merasa seperti itu?”

“Iya.”

“Mungkin kalau aku berbakat, aku akan lebih mudah menyelesaikan teka-teki ini. Atau bisa saja aku dengan tepat melukis lukisan yang benar-benar indah. Ah, aku jadi iri.” Kataku manja.

Bone terdiam sejenak lalu melihatku, “Hal seperti itu tidak usah kamu pikirkan. Banyak kok yang berbakat tapi malah tidak mau memegang kuas lagi. Mungkin teka-teki di kepala mereka lebih rumit, siapa yang tahu? hahaha.”

Aku tertawa kecil mendengarnya. Bone mungkin benar, aku pun sering mendengar orang bilang bakat bukanlah segalanya. Tapi entah mengapa aku tetap merasa kagum dan iri dengan orang-orang berbakat. Melihat lukisan mereka benar-benar membuat perasaanku campur aduk. Mereka bisa membuat lukisan itu seakan hidup, dan menyentil semua orang yang melihatnya.

“Ya tetap saja mereka mengagumkan, bukan? Dengan bakatnya mereka bisa membuat karya yang benar-benar indah, bahkan menginspirasi orang lain untuk memulai berkarya karena mereka membuat hal itu terlihat mudah dan menyenangkan.”

“Nah itu. Itu yang aku tak suka tentang bakat.”

“Lho? Apanya?”

“Pertama, banyak yang berasumsi bahwa karya-karya indah dan menginspirasi itu sangat mudah dibuat oleh orang berbakat. Kedua, kamu melupakan bahwa dibalik bakat itu ada sosok yang tetap memulai dari nol, berlatih dari titik awal sama sepertimu sampai dia bisa menciptakan karya yang kau elu-elukan itu. Lalu ia akan terus menjadi bayangan dibalik bakatnya dan kebanyakan orang hanya melihat bakatnya dan bukan sosok atau kerja kerasnya. Sedih bukan? Ketiga, kamu melupakan hal yang lebih penting dari bakat.”

“Apa itu?”

“Kenikmatan berkarya. Menurutku itu akar dari konsistensi dan kerja keras. Karena sesulit apapun teka teki yang seseorang temukan dalam berkarya, selama ia menikmati proses berkarya itu, ia akan tetap menembus kesulitan-kesulitan yang membuatnya lebih berkembang. Itu kenapa kubilang kamu tidak usah memikirkan hal-hal tentang bakat itu. Kamu sudah memiliki semua yang kamu butuhkan, kamu peduli dengan karyamu dan sekesal apapun kamu dengan kesulitanmu, kamu masih terus berusaha. Bukankah itu bekal yang nantinya akan membuatmu mampu menghasilkan lukisan-lukisan indah dan menginspirasi? Yang harus kamu jaga ya itu saja, persoalan bakat hanya persoalan ‘fasilitas mewah’ yang tidak mutlak menentukan hasil karya. Lagipula… yang menikmati keindahan dan terinspirasi kan bukan kamu, ngapain dipikirin? hahaha ya kan?”

“Dasar kamu, semua hal jadi sederhana di kepalamu ya… aku jadi iriiii~ hahaha”

“Hus, sudah sana lanjut lagi.” Katanya tersenyum sambil mengelus kepalaku. Lalu aku mengangkat kuasku dan mulai melukis, melukis, dan melukis lagi.

…LUKISKISMIAIKILYU. (Penulis ngantuk udahan dulu. Baidewei si Bone namanya dibacanya bon ya bukan bonek. Kalo ada usul nama lain boleh, ai ga terlalu nganu sama nama… Maap nganu. KTHXBAI )

[carlpass]

Kamu tidak akan bersih dari candu

Candu merekat di setiap gelagat manusia, dan ia paling setia menemani dan mengayomimu sejak kau menghisap puting ibumu, atau ibu jarimu. Ia bisa merubah bentuk tapi tidak akan hilang darimu. Banyak yang bisa melihat candu orang lain, dan menakar kebaikan atau keburukan dari candu itu, menghakimi candu orang lain tanpa menyadari candunya sendiri adalah menghakimi. Ada juga yang bersikeras melepas diri dari candu candu yang menggerogoti kehidupannya, lalu mencoba menghentikan candu yang dimiliki orang-orang kesayangannya agar tidak lagi merasa dibudaki. Tapi ia tidak akan bisa, karena ketika semua candu yang ia lihat telah terlepas, ia tak lebih dari seorang pecandu kebebasan.

Pilihlah candumu dengan bijak, dan bantulah mereka yang terjebak.

[carlpass]

The kindest people aren't always pure inside

Their soft words were made by an enough amount of sickening words they heard. Their sensitivity is a gift they grasp from others mean demeanor. Their empathy runs from the wound that sticks over their lifetime. Their selfless attitude is a cry of desperation.

And yet, others are always hoping for more. But no one realizes how much darkness they swallow, and possibly throw up someday.

[carlpass]

Thinking at night is dangerous

I heard too many noises that I forgot my own voice. It’s a typical day for me. Probably not a bad thing, since I got almost everything I asked for when I was young. Honestly it’s a miracle, and I don’t feel like I deserve it. But maybe life is about what we bargained for, not what we deserve. Sometimes I thought about “what if I was different when I was young, maybe being less reckless and a lot more… I don’t know, disciplined?” It doesn’t feel right when I thought about it twice. You might think this will sounded like an excuse, but I wouldn’t have seen these miracles if I was able to work it off. It’s as if the price of a miracle is a sense of failure. Or maybe it’s just an ingredient. But who knows? Things I failed in life causes regrets, and they are under my denial, buried deep by the sense of gratefulness. For it to be gone needs another miracle. Or just a simple twist in this brain. This is why I shouldn’t write in the middle of the night. It ends with wanting to tweak my brain, resulting in a mess within. It usually occurs before I sleep, but to know where I’ll bring this mess next I’ll try to write it tonight, and re-read it someday near. So bear with me. PS: this post is just some sort of my method of lullaby so my head will be clear and I can go to sleep. Plus, I miss writing. Writing anything.

[carlpass]

Sometimes we just have to face the truth and stop wasting energy on the wrong people.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[carlpass]

Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness.

Katherine Henson (via onlinecounsellingcollege)