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[carycarycary]

I am posting this here because I seriously have no idea what's going on.

I have always considered myself to be an atheist, but something changed for a while, about 4 or 5 years ago.

It all started from the small things. A teacher at school bringing up a subject instead of another, the songs from my youtube algorithm, the stickers I saw on the streets... Everything led me to Dionysus. Everything.

I live in Italy, so I haven't thought much about it. Getting drunk on wine, having good sex and appreciating art is part of the culture, right?? Yes, it was weird that for weeks everywhere I went people talked about Dionysus, but I honestly didn't even notice until I started seeing pine cones on my front door every time I went outside.

Fast-forward to a few days after, when I started having dreams about a GORGEOUS man with the longest and healthiest hair I have ever seen. He was beautiful, but he was mad at me, in all my dreams he was filled with rage. When I opened google, i didn't even know what to search. "Am I going insane?" "Who is this man I dreamt of? Why is he angry at me?"?? That's what I did honestly. The description of the dream made me find some pages online, where a high-priestess (?) talked about Dionysus and how he becomes very, very angry when someone denies his divine nature and refuses to worship him. But hey, I was an atheist and all this pagan thing was bullshit to me. But as I was thinking, I said out loud as a joke "Okay, you whore. You out there? You want me? Tell what should I give you. An altar? Wine?", and I shit you not my ears started ringing and I felt a specific taste in my mouth. Like apple, but much sweeter. I thought it had something to do with me, but as I got to the kitchen, the ringing came and went. I spread some honey an a slice of apple and my ears started ringing again, but this time I felt the ringing shift from both ears to one, and from one ear to a specific point in the room, like if the sound came from outside my ear. I followed the hypothetical line with my eyes and I saw my step-dad's 3d printer, covered with a cloth like usual. I got closer because the ringing got louder, and when I removed the cloth there was a small vase in terracotta with fucking grapes painted on it. (He later told me it was a present from his aunt, but he didn't like it so he put it there to avoid looking at it lmao)

Anyway, it was weird, because I didn't know the vase was there, yet, something told me to go check. Stuff like this happened for days, even outside. Something like going out drinking with friends, getting a ring in my right ear, turning and seeing a giant print of a panther, and similar stuff.

The even weirder thing? Half of these things I had no idea were sacred to Dionysus. I had no idea big cats were his thing, I didn't know he liked apples, didn't know he fancied honey. It was after days of ringing and stuff that I opened google and started my researches, this time for real.

At this point it got creepy, I didn't know what was going on. When I decided to see the effects of having an altar in my room, I still tried to be rational. "It is not an altar, it is a... liking spot.. Like when you hyper-fixate on a band and you buy their cds, their posters n stuff and throw everything together in the same corner" I tried to think. After my "Liking spot" was up, my step-dad's mom came to my room saying she had a present for me. She wasn't my real grandma and she didn't treat me as a granddaughter: on Christmas there were no presents for me, only for my cousins. When she crocheted fluffy socks, they were never for me, they were just for her son. So when she came to me saying she had made me new curtains, I was overjoyed. Now, imagine my face when this old lady gave me my new curtains, and there were maenads on it. Like.. girls dancing half naked. With wine cups in their hands and grapes in their hair... and imagine my face when the shadows casted by the embroidery landed EXACTLY on the altar when the sun hit my window...

Yeah weird. I thought I was going crazy. I obviously only talked about this with two or three people, those being my two best friends and my boyfriend of the time. They all thought I was going insane. Now, the weirdest part was the jealousy. I loved my boyfriend with my whole heart, he was the light of my eyes and I was his, we were all over each other. At one point tho, it felt like a weird energy came between us, from the dreams I had, from the sensations etc etc, I felt like something was trying to distance us. Not in a harmful way, but like in a "Hey hey you you, I don't like your girlfriend" way. Strangely, he felt the same. I remember him saying that he sometimes felt like he was third-wheeling and he wasn't even sure why or who this jealousy was directed to.

Then everything stopped. The ringing disappeared from one day to another, and from one day to another I couldn't feel Dionysus' presence around the altar anymore. I kept up the offerings, I prayed, I painted his portrait and tried everything on the book, but I felt like he was gone, so I figured out he wasn't interested in working with me anymore.

From there, a lot of stuff happened, but every year, from December to February, something happens and he comes back in my life again. Not Dionysus as a real deity, but the idea of Him. Much, much softer than the first time, like His name constantly popping out in conversations around me, or my books referencing Him, or a song coming on and the title is His name . I'd think that it IS Him, reaching out to me in a chiller way, but I have bad feelings everytime this happens. I go for a drink with a friend? The first sip goes on the ground with a little prayer to Dionysus, for example. But everytime I do this, I end up being sick from everything I drink and offer him. I don't get drunk easily, but every time I offer him the first sip, I end up pale, sweaty, throwing up from only half a glass of wine. Same thing goes for the dreams: when I feel like he is reaching out to me again, I ask him to let me know in a dream (people online recommended it), but I always end up having nightmares I don't remember the next day.

So.. anyone knows what's going on?? I tried asking the cards, and the hierophant came out.

These days I feel like He is reaching out again, and I just found out it is the period of anthesteria, but I am not really feeling His presence... What should I do??