cassysmind

[cassysmind]

January 6, 2024

One of the worst nights of my life. Full of hurt, betrayal, tears, anxiety. I don’t know how to cope

[cassysmind]

January 5, 2024

My day was up and down. Plans changed and that really triggered me. It hasn’t been the worst day, but not the best.

[cassysmind]

January 5, 2024

My jealousy issues are taking over. I’m so beyond insecure and jealous, idk how to fix it. My boyfriend have never EVER given me a reason to worry. He reassures me every time, but I still get so jealous.

[cassysmind]

January 4, 2024

Feeling tired today. A little drained. All I wanted to do was lay around and nap. Had an okay gym sesh. I didn’t really wanna do it, but I didn’t wanna break routine. Feeling meh as of current.

[cassysmind]

January 3, 2024

Today I’m feeling good! I had a good gym sesh, had a nice lunch with a friend and watched my favourite show. I’m hoping to continue with these good days.

[cassysmind]

My life- trigger warning *SA*

My life… oh boy where do I start. I had a really unfair childhood, although I like to convince myself all was fine because I had things. Growing up, I got everything I wanted. All the toys, video games, vacations etc.. I like to use these things to cancel out the shitty parts and convince myself I don’t get to be sad. I grew up with an extremely narcissistic bio mom. She screamed at me and then cried to my dad and brother that it was all me. She used to throw me in my bedroom and tie the door shut for hours. She used to hit me in my room and then tell everyone I was lying. No one ever believed me. They still don’t. My parents quickly became friends with our neighbours across the street, who had 2 teenaged sons. Every Friday night, they would go across the street and the oldest son would come to our house to babysit my brother and I. I thought maybe my nightmares were over. I was 6 and I was very wrong. My brother, being 8 sat playing his PlayStation and didn’t care too much about what I would do- which was watch tv. Our babysitter would sit on our computer and look at naked pictures of women, and always made me look too. Obviously uncomfortable, I started saying I was tired and wanted to go to bed. Upon bringing me to my room and getting me into bed, he began rubbing my back, which made me feel unsettled. My back quickly turned into spots he shouldn’t have been touching, but I didn’t know what to do or say. I laid there frozen and scared. This carried on for a few weeks. I dreaded Fridays. The touching escalated to oral sex, to me being forced to touch him and then to full on rape. I never said anything, because my family never believed me for anything anyway. I used to beg for sleepovers with my cousin, which spared me sometimes. But those were rare. This was my life until I was about 11 years old and it was decided my brother could be in charge. I would go to school and do anything to avoid sitting at my desk because of the pain. This led to me getting an ADHD diagnosis. Although not incorrect, it was a false situation to get diagnosed. I started getting rebellious as a tween and even worse into my teenage years. At 14, I started using drugs, drinking and having consensual sex. For the first time, I felt control. Like I had a choice, I could control my body and what happens to it. I spiraled. At 16, I was locked out of my house. Upon asking my neighbours for a key, he said I had to work for it. My past creeping up and feeling out of control. It was the dead of winter and I just wanted to go home. Once I got inside, I sat in the shower for 2 hours. No matter how much I scrubbed, how much soap I used, I felt disgusting. I felt dirty. I felt so defeated. From then on, I tried to ignore everything. I suppressed it all, I pushed it to the back of my head. This lead to a suicide attempt. I couldn’t take it anymore. Upon finishing my 72 hour hold, I was told how pathetic I was and how embarrassing this was for my bio mother. I was told to “stop looking for attention” and to enter the real world. I never left my room. I started skipping school, my grades slipped. Desperate to get away, I worked hard to graduate high school with honours so I could move away to university. I spent half my program on campus and then moved back home due to the cost of living on campus. There for me was my mom- not my bio mother, but the woman I called mom. She had been there my entire life, I was always at her house, she helped me. My world came crashing down when she was diagnosed with a rare, stage 4 breast cancer in 2019. She was so determined to fight, but lost her battle. I’ve never been the same. I’ve been so lost ever since. After spiraling again and entering an inpatient program, I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, PTSD and a mild OCD. Unable to afford therapy, I’ve been struggling since. I felt like there was still something there, so I sought more diagnosis, and over the summer I was diagnosed with ASD and a mild sensory processing disorder. I’m still struggling, but I’m taking my life back.

[cassysmind]

Hi 👋

My name is Cassy and this is my first post on this blog. My intentions are to share my story, my life, my mental health etc.. my hopes are to help myself as well as others. I want to be able to talk about how I feel rather than keeping it all in, and my hopes are that others can relate and realize they’re not alone.