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Brace for impact

Well we do know he doesn’t love you anymore. We know that now you feel calm, but that is only because this is the eye of the hurricane.

The last strike is coming and you know what it is. When he call you it will be because he will give you the instructions of the storage place where he put all your stuff.

And to ask where to see your friend to deliver your important documents.

Please remain calm. You are doing this great. You are strong and awesome.

You will be fine.

This is the last pain he gives you. I will take care of you. I promise.

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Love has an expiration date

So, he doesn’t love me anymore. My heart broke but I needed to hear it from his mouth. He felt so sorry to say it aloud. I told him that it was ok, that he shouldn’t feel bad, that the truth was less painful. As painful as it is. Than hope.

You know the problem with hope is that it is the last thing you let go, and because of that, you can’t move on.

It is hard to let hope go. It is hard for me to let him go. But as my last act of love, I will.

Emma said that I should let him go out of love for myself. But that I can’t do. So, here is the deal. I let him go out of my love for him, and I will recover out of love for myself.

I will schedule time for swimming, time for studying, and time to embrace my sadness.

[catalina-daza-blog]

Time of death

Time of Death August 25th. After 14 years 5 months 24 days. Our relationship ended. We said goodbye with lots of hugs. Love and good wishes we let each other go.

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Last call

So, if the last call is a no go. I will take an apartment, probably the one near to Emma.

Without car.

I am imagining my self

I can do it

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Las relaciones son mucho trabajo

Las relaciones requieren mucho trabajo. Pero si uno ya no quiere, ni aunque te mueras va a salir.

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A place called home

I have a vacancy for a home. Some people call home to the bricks, the rooms, the space within the walls.

For me home is that place where you want to go back. Let’s say it is the 0,0 coordinate. The reference of your life.

For me, the space between you and our cat was home. So, I am not loosing a boyfriend and a cat. I am loosing my home.

I know you did not ask for it. But that’s the way it is... for now.

I am finding the courage to stop calling you home.

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Faith

So after all this days running away and covering my sadness with faith, it is finally time to accept that it is over.

That I wasn’t your one after all.

I would like to start writing endless love letters to you. But I can’t. What could I write to the man that loves me but can’t be with me?

Solve your puzzles and come back? Should you be confused you wouldn’t have decided anything but you did. You are not confused, you just don’t want to be with me.

What can I write to the man I love but can’t be with me? I gave you all my love and what is left I do need for me.

I won’t stop loving you. But I need space and time to get away

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Miss Sadness

There is a pain in my chest that doesn’t go away. I might be that reckless guy in vanilla sky, crying my eyes out because I couldn’t hold my perfect little love.

And I really love him so much. I just hope I will find him in an other life when we are both cats

The unrealistic idea of him coming back is fading away and my fear of being abandoned feeds my sadness.

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I want to be ok

I know I am not perfect. In fact I don’t know a human so human as me. I made so many mistakes in that relationship that he could choose from any of those mistakes.

Instead he choose to leave me for no reason.

I want to get better. I do not want to take all this garbage with me. I want to be a better version of me for myself.

And then one day, I might be able to have a family. If I choose to. And I won’t make any of those silly mistakes again. I want to stop making this to myself. Falling for narcissistic stupid guys. Suffering and being reckless.

I will stop running.

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How to be brave

I want to surrender. I want to stop the pain, I want to have your uniqueness back.

Not calling you is the bravest thing I can do now, because I would beg for you to change your mind.

I’ve been thinking in that hug that you gave me back. So caring! How do you love me? How do you love me that you push me back?

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Sadness and bitterness

I can be upset with you. I just can’t. I would still laugh at your jokes. I love you when you know everything and also when you do not.

I would love you forever. And I know you love me, I feel you care. Am I like a little sister?

What am I to you, that you can’t be with me?

I hate this situation, but the only thing I can do is to keep moving

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So, be in love is not enough?

What is enough? If love is not enough to inspire a protect of life with your partner in life. What is it?

I used to think that love was all we needed. Apparently not.

Commitment? Values? Aligned expectations?

I really do not know.

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He loves you, he just can’t be with you

That simple statement from the mouth of my therapist made me feel relaxed. Feeling that he cared was so confusing. He loves me. That single phrase make me stronger. Even for the next one. He just can’t.

It might be stupid but it is what it is.

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The third day

So, on the third day I dared to ask. Was it that important to you? And It just wasn’t me? Was this discussion purely over a piece of paper?

According to you, there is nothing when it comes to your desires and dreams on a family. Or a couple, or settle down.

I dared to ask, if there is nothing why not trying. And I realized that you tried, you did try, it is just that you do not want to. And it is ok, no one rules on the heart.

I kind of felt better when I realized that you tried to internalize it but it did not grow. Your brain made a model and you could not behave according to it. So here is the root cause, you are not that into me.

Anxiety decrease and I hope I can go ahead

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Hangover

Today is almost the day after. I managed to get some sleep, which is wonderful. Specially since last night I could not sleep.

I feel sad and anxious, not as much as the self made hell I were at yesterday. But still pretty uncomfortable.

Friends helped. Allan words were as always, exact, sincere, to the mattresses. Without apologies he wrote the dots at the i’s and made me feel strong again. Because I was indeed mumbling and on the edge of crawling back.

Luis friendship is something special, his talk was not small talk, it literally helped me to “be there” so many amazing details and creativity. But he also knows how to listen, how to ask the relevant questions, how to give perspective.

Raúl, he gave me something different to do. Another task. He made me feel useful. And worthy, without even knowing that he was doing it. Bless him.

Amy gave me her strength and success to stare at, a warm bed with two amazing beautiful cats. And the patience I do not have for my self for not knowing what to do next.

What is next?

Once and again I will say it to myself as my friends so kindly pointed out:

-Now, at least, you have clarity. That is something you did not had before. You are in a better position now. This is an improvement.

-Do not worry, you do not need to know what you want. You will find out. It might not be something you want, but something you feel curious about, something you find worthy at that point.

-You do not need to figure it out right now.

Gosh I am so thankful for my friends. I am so thankful that they are so mature amazing human beings. And that they share that wisdom with me.

I am also so thankful for his civility. He went above and beyond making this easier for me. Now I understand that he cares, maybe not in the way I would have wanted, but in the way he can.

I am grateful for being surrounded of such mature amazing people. And I would like to make a promise to myself that only mature people will be around me. Because that is the kind of people I want to be around forever.

[catalina-daza-blog]

Sadness

I thought the next post would be “brace for impact”, however, I didn’t see this coming. He loves me and I love him, why isn’t it enough ? He cares for me, I do care for him. Why doesn’t it matter anymore?.

My heart is broken, the wise thing to do might be to tie myself up, otherwise I would be begging for him to take me back, under any conditions he might say. Even apologizing for complaining about anything in the first place.

How coward and week do I feel on the edge of disaster. And yet, my body warmed up my chest, to remind me that I do love me too. That if love is needed I am here for me.

Today when he mumbled the sad news I took my hand as a sign of solidarity and support. I know I have friends like Amy that are here for me, but right now I am my most important ally.

It is up to me to keep me on track. So I am writing to talk to myself.

Dear Me:

I am sorry that you have to go through this difficult moment. I am deeply sorry.

I know that it hurts, and I know how afraid you are of sadness. I do know because I am feeling this with you. You are not alone.

I know that you feel tempted to do anything to stop the pain. Including neglecting yourself. Begging and crying for a deal no matter how unfair it is in the long run. Please do not. I am here with you and I want you to be happy.

I know that right now you feel like happiness is slipping between your fingers, that you will never ever ever find a man as amazing as he is.

Please bear in mind that his greater defect is not wanting you by his side. And that my dear IS a deal breaker. You are not his one, and I know that you think he is yours. Please do not worry, he is not.

That pain in your heart ( literally) is sadness, don’t be afraid, you are not a child anymore. I will take care of you and fill that gap.

Please go to sleep, you need to go to your job tomorrow. Work hard, go to the gym, study and love yourself ... please I beg you, love yourself we are the only thing that we got.

Life will be as great as we imagine it would be. This is not the end of our story, perhaps the end of a chapter. A very loved one, that we have a lot of trouble letting go. But I promise, that is it.

Be thankful because your brain works, your lungs work, your body works.

Be thankful for Amy, that loves you as a sister. For your cat that, you will get back. For your mom that loves you. For your job and your colleagues. Be thankful for life itself.

There are many things you want to do, such as get fit, get certified, live in another country. Maybe even get a business of your own. You are complete. We are complete, we are one: you and me, two sides of the same brain.

I love you. I love you so much. And I am here for you.

[catalina-daza-blog]

The waiting room.

I’ve been waiting for a long time now. Days became months, months years and soon enough I will need lustrums to count the time on the bench. I always knew you were my one true love.

So, what am I waiting for? A kind miracle from a god I no not believe in? A change of heart? There is only one thing more powerful than love, and that is frustration. It starts dripping from you heart and lungs until it becomes a lake.

I’ve been staring at that lake for a while, and I started to wonder what is on the other side; would it be possible for me to move on? Or will I drown in my own bitterness? Do I really stand a chance? I have no utter justification for myself to remain. It is becoming a matter of when rather than if.