caughtred90 - Tumblr blog

[caughtred90]

There's a bunch of snow this year. I sent my kids with my ex for the holidays. I'm out of money and there's no presents again this year. I've been realizing how far gone I am. I have to pull it together. Get my life together. I'm a mess. Idk how though.

I've been on a dating app that also has a friends only option. I had been on it for over a year but hadn't really met anyone. A few weeks ago I decided to flip it over to dating because I really needed someone to talk to. I got more than I was bargaining for.

Currently there's a guy I met who I've been talking to for not even two weeks. Just talking to mind you, via text. That's it. He's already telling me he loves me. Idk how to handle it. I don't say it back and it seems like it's annoying him. He wants to meet but I just can't.

I'm getting desperate for money and I've been thinking about starting and OF. Like, seriously. Ughh. Idk though. I'm really not porn star material. Thinking about it though made me start a new IG. One I wouldn't have my kids on, for the OF. It made me go through my regular IG. I.... I have a pretty life. Even though there were things happening at the times those pics were taken... Terrible things... I remember feeling hope. A lot of hope.

I wonder if I can get back to that place.

[caughtred90]

Tis' the season, storm season. The power's out. I'm lying in bed deciding what to do since I can't sleep. I can never sleep. I thought about driving into town so I can get enough service to download a book. I have books though. Plenty of books. I'm sure I could find something I haven't read.... Maybe. I don't know what I would want to read though. I've been ok booktok and everything that sounds interesting there has ended up disappointing.

There's been times I've thought about writing a story. I have good story ideas but my writing and grammar skills are crap. I suppose if I had made it past 6th grade I could have gotten better. Probably not though.

I could take one of the freshly charged flashlights and do chores in the dark. I'm definitely behind on those. Doing dishes and wiping counters in the dark during a storm... Just saying that makes me tired though. Not tired enough to sleep.

My best friend and I are still aren't really talking. She started having an affair on her husband, then somehow shifted that into having an open relationship with her husband's permission. She's always had this thing about dating men with girlfriends. It doesn't seem to bother her, quite the opposite. Usually she's faithful to them though. It's always the same. She picks the biggest fuckboy. Nothing to offer her and usually seeing at least one other person. She swears it's purely sexual. Then almost immediately she gets possessive. Then she catches feelings. After that it's a long procession of her getting her heart broken by the fact they don't care about her. She goes back to saying it's just sex and she's happy. Then she's devastated again.

I'm not sure why I can't watch that kind of shit show and just be supportive. It's too emotionally draining for me. I hate seeing her hurt, then I'm frustrated when she lies to herself and refuses to see the facts, disappointed when she goes back to him, then even more upset to see her get hurt again. I suppose it's better off if we aren't talking.

Heard some rancid rumors about my family. My sister (the youngest I'm not talking to over the bird incident), my cousin (my sister's best frienemey), and my cousins sister in law are all basically banging the same dude. Add that to they're all married to other men and he's my cousins sister in laws ex/baby daddy.

I would say I'm shocked but the sexual overlap on that side of the family is insane. I've lost count of the amount of lovers they've swapped. My cousin banged my aunt's husband. My grandmother married my aunt's baby daddy's dad. Effectively making them sibling in laws with a child in common.

I guess this is me being a judgy bitch about it. I guess it would be worse of me if they were all happy and ok with it. It doesn't sound like they are though. I know it's cause many fights and issues. They're all pissed off at each other now because apparently they all weren't in the loop they were banging the same guy.

[caughtred90]

Life's been really tough recently. I've been so sad. I cry all the time. I don't really know how to fix all of this. It seems like the last seven or eight years I've spent all of my time and energy trying to "right the ship." Get things on track.

As a child our life was constantly in a state of chaos. My mom, a drug addict and alcoholic, would get us in terrible situations. Then she would pull it together for awhile. She would tell me "baby steps." I hated hearing that every single time. When I got older I told her no, it's not baby steps! It's one step forward and two steps back! We never really get anywhere.

That's how it feels like my life is right now. Just caught in a shitty loop and never really moving forward to something better. Can't get financially stable, can't keep up with the house work, can't keep up with my workload, can't keep up with my daily responsibilities. Just failing at everything all the time. Also, doing it alone.

I've been a single mom very nearly the entire time. My oldest daughter's father was never around. My ex-husband and I split when my youngest daughter was 3. He's still there for them in certain ways. As far as parenting goes though that's on me. We got into a fight recently about it. I told him the stress of having everything on my shoulders was difficult for me. That it would help if he shared some of the parenting responsibilities. He more or less just shrugged it off.

My best friend and I have... I guess we aren't really talking anymore. We've been friends for over 20 years, but the last year or so she's been distant. I've been doing most of the texting and recently I would text her 7 or 8 times a day and maybe get one message back. Maybe no reply at all. She would say she's just busy, this or that. But, I would see her on Facebook or Instagram. I guess it takes a while for me to take a hint. Anyway, I just stopped texting her.

I still haven't spoken to my sister since our "fight". My oldest daughter is very upset with me about it. She thinks I should just apologize to her. I told her I'm sorry but not this time. I've been trying to develop a closer relationship with my sister for years now. I worked really hard to make time, be supportive, go out of my way ect. It was never reciprocated. She would still not invite us to gatherings, or not include pics of my kids in her family photos. We got in a few arguments and every time I would just swallow my pride and apologize for whatever to keep the peace. If my sister cared she would be putting in the effort as well. She isn't. Sometimes it just is what it is.

Of course, that's created even more tension between my oldest daughter and me. It seems like she's always had a bone to pick with me, even when she was little. Years ago, when she was giving me an especially hard time, I called my ex husband sobbing. I told him I don't understand why she's so cruel to me sometimes. He said that her real dad was never around and he himself left, the only one she had to take it out on was me. I don't know if that's true but I try to keep that in mind. Especially when things get really hard.

[caughtred90]

My sister, the one whose dog tore her birds apart, has gotten a kitten. It seems crazy since she's had so many kittens that she's gotten rid of because she doesn't like cats. Not to mention that her dog is dangerous around small animals. I don't understand her thought process.

[caughtred90]

Some days are not as bad as most. I've been full of anxiety all week. Having panic attacks everyday. Being unmedicated, I'm really going through it. Everyday tasks seem impossible. Today's task was getting food for the goats. I usually drive out of town to a chain store. That way I can order the food online and have them bring it out to my car. I need to save gas though so I pulled up to the local feed store where I actually have to go in and ask for a load out. I sat outside in my hot car fighting myself to go in. Trying to justify going farther so I didn't have to interact with anyone. In a state of despair I was almost in tears. Trust me, it seems just as ridiculous to me as it does to you.

I didn't have makeup on and my skin was a mess. My hair was a dirty mess. I was wearing old shabby clothes. I didn't want anyone to see me. I sat in my car with all that running in my head. Knowing I would see *that look* in their eyes when I walk in. Knowing I would fumble over my words. That when I went for the load out I would tell them to put it in the backseat and they would seem annoyed. Then my car's a mess and they would see. Plus all the other things that might go wrong.

I sat there overwhelmed. Then something creeped into my head. "It's ok." Not even just the words but I felt it. Like, it's ok. It's ok you're a mess, it's even a little... Funny. Imagining myself walking in looking rough and ordering goat food almost made me laugh. I just held onto that while I walked into the store. It was like a glimmer of hope inside of me. It's ok.

I remembered that was how I used to live back when my heart was lighter. I could hold onto something like it's ok. Idk how long I can hold onto it today, but I'm going to try for as long as I can.

[caughtred90]

After a long fight with myself I'm sitting here watching something I've seen over... and over.... and over again. As desperately bored as I am, I can't handle watching or reading something that would make me feel anything. Even though that's usually the point of a good story. When I try to watch something new an old familiar anxiety wraps itself around me. A panic attack tries to take over.

A panic attack is ugly anytime, but for me, it's especially nasty at night. My worn out body and mind suddenly flooded with adrenaline and irrational fears. Then I have to use all the strength I have to contain myself so it seems like nothing's wrong. When all I wanna do is sleep.

I've been anxious and overwhelmed all day. My chest is sore from my heart pounding and then fluttering. Normally I can ignore when my anxious skin crawls. Today, I couldn't stop myself from scratching and grabbing at it. I'm so tired. Having something wrong with you is exhausting.

Lately I've been absorbed by remembering a time when I was in a better place mentally and emotionally. Comparing myself then and now. Trying to figure out what's so off. What's different? What's missing? I think I used to feel like I was filled with love. I could be patient and understanding and all the things I needed to be because I felt so much love inside of me. I don't know what to do with that though.

[caughtred90]

I hate waking up sad.

[caughtred90]

I'm so tired. Physically this time. My body's drained and sore. Work's taking a toll on me physically AND mentally now. Bills keep coming, kids keep "needing."

It becomes overwhelming to work and work but never get ahead of anything. I must be getting old because many years ago this wouldn't have seemed daunting. Now I have to convince myself everyday not to give up. That somehow I'll figure this out.

Still not speaking to my sister. That's not very upsetting to me. We've never been close. I miss the kids though. That's hard. It's summer and I wish the nieces and nephews could come over.

My oldest is back though. She was babysitting for my sister while she got on her feet. She is splitting from her husband and couldn't afford daycare. My oldest stayed there for months babysitting. Suddenly my sister was posting pics of her partying and going out to dinner, getting ready for a trip to Mexico. I found out she started getting state assistance so had extra money now. I brought my daughter home, which in my opinion, my sister should have done when she started getting money.

Well, I gotta start getting ready. We're out of toilet paper, paper towels ECT. I have to go shopping before I go to work. Even getting ready seems overwhelming. I don't want to wash my face and get changed. Why bother putting makeup on? To try to hide the pervasive despair on my face? It's to make everyone else more comfortable. I make myself less comfortable to make everyone else more comfortable. A gesture that's like a small apology for them having to look at me.

[caughtred90]

I wish I could say I'm now in a better position. Mentally, emotionally, financially. I'm not. It's all still a struggle.

I'm not on speaking terms with my sister again. It seems like we're never on good terms though. A few years ago she stole a purebred German shepherd from a breeder in eastern Washington. She said it was because he was being starved and neglected. I thought it was strange though, he didn't look or seem like it. He was skinny, but he didn't seem to put on any weight in my sister's care. We'll call him Bear. Even now we're supposed to pretend Bear is related to my cousin's (who's also a breeder) dogs. That tells me she's afraid someone is still looking for him.

Why she wanted that dog I really don't understand. She already had two dogs in a small house. Bear is huge, long coated, has no manners and listens to no one. Even worse my sister lets her dogs do whatever. At some point my sister decided she also wanted birds. She bought a conure, Bo, at the same shop I got my conure from. She also got a parakeet called Lib, and a cockatiel named Misty. She "rescued" (I assume the same way she did with Bear) two large Amazon parrots.

It was so stressful every time I went to her house. She let all her birds out free flying around the house as Bear would jump up snapping at them. He would try to snatch them out of the air. When I said something to my sister she just told me "ya, he does that" and went about her business. On top of that the parakeet would fly into and onto the Amazon parrot's cage. The Amazons would lung at him and try to grab him. Apparently that also wasn't a big deal to her because she never stopped it.

She got herself another parakeet who wasn't as quick as lib I suppose because something punctured and pulled one of its wings out of the socket. First she told me it was Bear, then she told me it was the Amazon parrots. Either way, she didn't take it to the vet or seemingly do anything for it because it died after a few days of suffering.

Then a few days ago my daughter told me my sister called her asking her to look for Lib because "she thinks Bear ate him." After a while of looking she found him, but Bear had ripped one of his toes off. I was horrified. Not only that it happened but my sister didn't seem too worried about it. I decided I would ask her if we could take at least Lib to keep him safe. By then it was too late. A couple days after Bear tore Libs toe off they found the torn up remains of Lib and Misty.

I told my sister what happened was cruel and irresponsibility bordering on negligence. She said it was a tragic accident and that I was harshly and unfairly judging her. She said the birds got out of their cage and got into the dogs kennels. Well, her dogs don't have kennels. She keeps them in the breezeway of her house where she decided to also keep the birds cages. Basically, even if the birds actually got out of their cages, they shouldn't have been locked in the same room as the dogs. As far as I'm concerned anyway. She could have kept them in the main part of the house or any of the rooms but didn't. That was the last time we spoke.

I've spent the last few years really trying to get closer to my sister and cousin. Be more involved in the family. I think I'm just spent on it though. It's exhausting and there's not much payoff. I try, I get nowhere, I try again, we fight.

[caughtred90]

Sometimes I wonder where all this sadness comes from inside me. Well, not where it comes from. I know that. I wonder where the energy comes from to keep it going. How do I just have this deep crippling pain inside me everyday? Sitting there beneath the surface waiting for when everyone isn't looking. To just stare me in the eye. Reminding me of everything. I wonder how.... How to make it go away? Can I even exist without it? It's such a deep part of me.

[caughtred90]

I'm really depressed today. I just don't know what to do.

[caughtred90]

I'm still exhausted and depressed. I was caught off guard when a property management company called me. They called because my ex SO listed me as a rental reference. I didn't answer the call and haven't called back. I'm not sure what he wants. To lie for him? He was terrible to have living here. He basically refused to pay bills. He has a violent temper. Did he think he could treat me like crap and I would lie for him? Idk. I didn't message him.

I got into a car accident a few weeks ago. A truck hit me. Basically t-boned me on the driver's door. The guy said he wasn't paying attention but I think he was asleep. It really messed me up mentally. I just haven't been present since then. Making a lot of mistakes at work, not thinking clearly. I don't have time to be unfit.

Sometimes I want to scream out for help. Like, god please someone help me. It feels like drowning sometimes. Fighting so hard to keep my head above water. Fighting not to accept there's no hope. Trying to believe I can right everything if I just try harder.

[caughtred90]

It snowed on Christmas here. I sent my kids with their dad because I was worried about being able to feed them. Plus, at least there they had a Christmas. I've never had a Christmas without presents under the tree. Not even when I was a kid. I've failed more than my mother I guess. I'm so tired. I've been trying to fix the broken garage door. I think the tension spring is the problem. I have to get the door up to work on my car. Idk, I'm just exhausted. I'm friends with my ex SO's mom on Facebook. I'm scared I'll see Christmas photos she posts and I'll see my ex has a new girl. Part of me doesn't want to know, the other has to know. I don't even know how I'll feel about it. Part of me happy because maybe he'll finally be happy. I guess I've never actually been alone on Christmas before. Even if the kids weren't here my ex was. The new normal.

[caughtred90]

The engagement ring my ex SO gave me sold at auction today. He paid $4000, it sold for a little over $500. I've been so depressed about it. Idk why. It was a symbol of a lie. It was a very happy lie though. At the time anyway. I guess even then I knew it wouldn't ever work. I knew he would never act right, never be right. I loved him though, and you know how that effects your sight .

[caughtred90]

It's been a really hard month financially. I've been working as much as I can just to keep up with bills. There's no Christmas this year.

My ex SO's birthday was on the first of December so, I waited until the second to drop off a gift for his mother. It was an advent calendar with different jams and honeys for everyday. She lost her husband this past summer. I made her a card and wrote a poem about lost loved ones and holidays.

Later that week was my oldest daughter's birthday. My ex SO showed up early in the morning and dropped Christmas and birthday presents for both my daughters. I didn't see him. He didn't knock or anything.

Today, he called. I had been sleeping because I worked late. I actually had a dream that I was talking on the phone with him when the phone woke me up.

The convo:

Me: hey, what's up?

Him: nothing, you called me.

Me: no.... I was working late and have been asleep.

Him: oh... Does (my oldest daughter) have a car?

Me: no remember? She's in trouble?

Him: oh well, idk her status.

Me: why did you block me?

Him: I didn't.

Me: ya you did! I know because none of my messages get read and you never respond.

Him: ya, I get them.

He hesitated for a few seconds

Him: You're not blocked. I didn't block you. You're messages come through.

Me: so you just don't want to talk to me?

He kinda mumbled

Him: Idk, what's there to talk about?

I was quite for a sec.

Me: oh, idk

I was silent

Him: well, I'm at work.

Me: ok bye.

Him: well, what are you doing later.

Me: um... Idk. I gotta pick up the kids.

Him: well I'm at the VFW. I volunteered my time.

I was still silent

Him: I just came to the car to get tools, I gotta get back.

Me: ok.

Him: I'll talk to you later.

Me:ok, bye.

I text him "it's alright, you don't need to call."

I'm not even going to pretend I didn't burst into tears. It was a strenuous moment for my mind. Having to understand that after all those years, all the ups and downs, all the effort, struggle, and tears... I meant so little. I had always known he didn't really love me. To actually see and hear it in a way though....

It was both heartbreaking and a relief. It broke my heart actually knowing someone I had cared for, and spent a chunk of my life with, didn't care. It also felt like well, now you know. Now you KNOW he didn't love you. That he didn't care. That he DOESN'T care. You have closure. You never have to look back and wonder. I was overwhelmed with sadness and ease.

[caughtred90]

My mental and emotional health have been a mess. My ex SO has been gone since August. At the end of September I felt like I was over it. I hadn't been thinking about him. Then one evening I get a call. My oldest daughter was with family so without thinking I answered the phone, worried it was her. It was my ex. He was clearly incredibly drunk. He started spouting out that he had gotten into a physical fight with my neighbor. A man he had gone fishing with the year before and apparently had gone fishing with again this year. He was telling me not to believe anything he says, that he can explain. That he's sorry. That if my neighbor causes any problems let him know and he'll deal with it. None of it made a lot of sense but I said ok....

He then asked what I was doing? I said sleeping and hung up. He called right back and I answered. He said are you still sleeping? I said well, no.... The rest of the conversation was hard. For me anyway. He was telling me the things I had always wanted to hear from him. That he missed me, loved me, loved my kids, wanted to come home. He said he had already bought my kids Christmas presents and was going to bring them to him if I liked it or not. I told him my youngest was the tallest in her grade now and he couldn't believe it. He asked to talk to her and they said hi to each other. He told me that he had wanted to call me this whole time and now had an excuse. I was sobbing but hiding it from him. I kept telling him that stuff wasn't true he was just drunk. He kept swearing it wasn't because he was drunk. He said he was going to drive to my house right then. I sat telling him no. Begging him not to drive drunk. I told him he could come over tomorrow if he didn't drive tonight. He said he was. He said I was the only person he could turn to in his life. He also said I could always count on him. No matter what. No matter what I had done, all I had to do is call. I talked to him until he fell asleep.

The next day I waited. I wasn't sure for what. Did I want him to show up? No. Did I want him not to show up?..... Idk. Still, I waited. Eventually that evening my neighbor who my ex said he assaulted made it home. He didn't say anything to me. I knew if he was home my ex was probably home, unless he wasn't ok. I text him "did you make it?" I was left on read. I text him the next day saying hey, even if you don't want to talk you could have let me know you were ok. He responded sorry. Long drive. Hung over. I responded I'm glad he's ok. I think it was two days later I finally text him if he was going to explain, sober, what happened and why I shouldn't listen to my neighbor. I was left on read. Later I sent him a pic I had of my youngest towering over the rest of the kids in her class. He read it. I said "she's grown!" The message was only delivered. I sent a few more texts, only delivered. It stayed that way. I realized he blocked me..... He... Blocked... Me....

I wish that didn't hurt. I really do. It crushed me. It felt like he was abandonment. What had I possibly done that he didn't ever want to talk to me again? Why? Was everything he said really complete bullshit? I guess I can add always relying on him to the list of his broken promises.

A few weeks later I got on Facebook and saw a post by his mother. She had said she had the honor to work beside both her daughter in laws and now gets to work beside her granddaughter. The first part gave me pause. Both daughter in laws? My ex had always sworn he was never married. He said he used to refer to his baby momma as his wife because they had been together so long (which in reality they weren't together very long.) I had even found a pic of his baby momma in a church wearing a white dress walking down the aisle with my ex's and her son. I had asked him about it and he said he didn't know what it was. I knew my ex's brother had only been married once.... I shouldn't have been shocked he lied. That's what he did. He's a compulsive liar. For some reason though, it did hurt. I did feel betrayed.

I wish I could find that bad bitch energy inside me. I haven't been able to though. I just feel empty and sad.

[caughtred90]

I haven't been writing because life's been a mess. Money's tight. No money is..... Well, no money. No one's fault but mine. A few years back I had told my cousin (who was starting a kennel) that when she had puppies we would take one. My youngest daughter had always wanted a German shepherd "dogmeat" of her own. My cousin warned me the puppies would be expensive, but money was good then and I said no worries. Well, she called a few months back and I decided to make good on my word. I ponied up $2500 for a puppy. I figured no biggie, we'll just have to go easy on money for a month of two.

That probably would have been true if a bird breeder hadn't called me right after paying for the pup. I had been on a waiting list for my dream. Bird for years. Literally about 4 years. He called out of the blue saying I had a chance to get my dream bird. I just had to put down the $2000 deposit... Right now! I should have said no. I should have passed it up. I didn't though. I hussled together the money. Even then everything might have been ok if the bird breeder wasn't nuts.

I had paid my deposit, and wanted to pay off the rest of the $22xx I owed. However, things were getting sketchy. I knew this guy was a real breeder. He's well known as basically the only guy who breeds this species in the United States. Him living in Florida, I knew he'd be weird but I wasn't prepared. He was perfectly pleasant as I paid the deposit. I signed the bird agreement that was very standard. Spelling out what I was getting and what I was paying and when. That's it. I thought it was odd though how hard he was pushing his merch. He kept emailing everyone on the list saying they need to have a cage and the only person who can get them right now is him. That he would sell us cages at basically no profit. Ect. Oh, and only be can get bird stands, and bird food ect. All these things he would sell to us.

I already had bird cages being unused. I had a bird stand too. I just politely declined the offers. Then I got an email that he had found out one of the people had planned on putting the bird in a "finch" cage. He considered this neglect and as such this person had forfeited her deposit and wouldn't be getting a bird. He now wanted pics of the cages we planned on putting the birds in. I was wary because the cage I had was technically a flight cage. I had a gut feeling that's what he meant by "finch" cage. Sure enough when sent the pic he had a fit.

He said it was unfit for any parrot. That it wasn't wrought iron (which it is), and it didn't have feeding bowls attached to doors. That it was completely unacceptable. I took a pic of another smaller cage. It was definitely wrought iron and he had said a small cage isn't a problem. He exed that one out too. He said it didn't have food bowls attached to the door. That without food bowls attached to the door that were AT LEAST 20 oz it was unacceptable. He started "documenting" our convos and was getting ready to do the same to me he had done to the other customer.

I ordered a cage that was exactly like the ones he sold (not from him.) I also ordered four 20 oz clamp on bowls and two 30 oz clamp on bowls. I ordered all the food he demanded we have or be considered neglectful. All of this he offered to sell us but I wouldn't buy from him. Even though I had ordered the cage he wanted pics *now.* I knew my sister had a similar cage and asked her to take a pic of it because I wasn't trying to lose my deposit. I sent him the pic of my sister's cage saying it was mine. He said he believed I had found that pic online and wanted a pic of the same cage holding a peace sign in front of it.

At this point I was freaking out. Not only was I putting a lot of money out for the bird, but had to shell out a bunch for all the stuff he demanded I have. I got a pic of my sister's cage holding a peace sign and sent it to him. I also included a pic of my new cage saying I had changed my mind and was going with this cage. I was convinced he would have nothing else to gripe about.

Well, now he started in on the bird stand. It needed to be a specific type of bird stand. Not like the one I had. It had to be a parrot stand that held 20 oz food bowls. My parrot stand already held 20oz bowls but I was over it. I found a stand almost identical to the ones he sold. The ones "only he could get a hold of." I ordered it. I paid the rest of the balance on the bird. At this point he could really only nit pick that I need to stock up on Pedialyte and frozen veggies.

Well, now I'm broke as a joke and my credit card companies are hounding me. I got $20 to last me this last week until pay day. Even then though, I have to catch up on my credit cards. That's not good news for Christmas. I told my ex he could have the kids for Thanksgiving. Mostly because I don't have any money for a dinner. We'll see how this last week goes.