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celestenicolegarcia · 3 years

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Bad Days

Today was one of those days where I just needed to be alone. Have you ever felt that way? The day's where it feels like there is no end to your suffering and no matter who talks to you about the "good life" it just seems pointless or annoying? That is me today. Leading up to feeling this way I personally have been feeling attacked by the enemy. Having panic attacks almost every single night before I go to bed and depression on most days for multiple reasons. I haven't felt this bad in a very long time, but quarantine definitely made it worse on my mental health.

You know when you make big moves in your life when the enemy tries to attack you head on and its always right when you think you got your life all together. I feel this is not a subject that is talked about very much in the church community. People going through real life struggles as everyone seems to put on a brave face when we see each other on Sunday morning. Luckily, I belong to a church and community that is very open about their struggles and even have a pastor who embraces his own. But for me today, I just wanted to vent on how my life has been going currently. Ever since I started placing God in every single part of my life was when I started to feel more pain. I left my band of 6 years who were a mix of heavy metal and punk talking about serial killers and zombies for my church worship team. If you read the Bible you know that the enemy hates when we worship Him in song. Not only that but I have my Sundays with my women's bible study followed by church at 1pm. I left my job almost a year ago to pursue school full time to be a faith based psychologist. And to add to that, I am working part time doing hair and giving drum lessons at the same time trying to make my car payments. What I want people to get out of this blog today is that I want people to know that mental health and God go together more than they think. The Bible has answered so many questions that I've had saved in my head from being a previous unbeliever before. Spiritual attack is definitely real, take a look at Ephesians 6:12 that says “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

But saying all these things today I definitely had a trigger to make me want to write this blog. Have you ever had someone say some hurtful words to you? Words that you can't seem to get out of your head? Words that seem to cut like a knife and you think "maybe they're right about me"? If so, know that you aren't the only one. I had someone that I've known for quite a bit of time tell me some hurtful things today and reading the texts that they sent over and over just brought me down from having an okay day to having a horrible day. I don't know if anyone else gets like this but whenever I have bad news, an inconvenience, any bit of drama it completely ruins my day and I have to shut myself in my room to just cope with my feelings.

Being a human being can honestly be so exhausting sometimes. The way that we deal with the bullets that come toward us in everyday life can be hard. Sometimes it's hard because you don't know who you can trust or who will surprise you in a negative way. In times like these I can't help but think of what God thinks about me and what goes on in my life. Sometimes I wonder if He just sits here next to me while I'm crying and hugs me even though I can't feel it. Sometimes I wonder if He tries to get my attention and whisper in my ear that it's going to be okay. The closest I have felt to God have only been through a handful of times. The day that I was saved from committing suicide is one I remember the most.

Sometimes when I get depressed, I think about those times of when I wanted to die and think of how easy it would be to die. I think about who would miss me and who wouldn't. I tend to think I am a pretty dramatic person, but I can't help it. Like I said, I can be up one minute and down the next. I try not to diagnose myself because that is one thing they tell you to not do when you are a psychology major. But of what I do know about me is I have been diagnosed with having depression, anxiety, ocd, and add. I've known about having these since I was 15 years old. I will explain in my testimony in a later blog post. I don't let those disorders define me though, because that isn't who God says that I am.

This blog that I am writing is meant to be a venting session and you are my friend just taking it all in and maybe you can relate to some of it. I realize that even though the enemy is attacking me during this time, doesn't mean that he will take advantage of me forever. I have the ability just like any other christian to cast out the devil from my life because God is my protector and comforter and nothing will harm His children. We live in an imperfect world and we are bound to experience so many emotions and trials in our lives. We are not exempt because we have God, we can only make it through it because of God.

If you feel like you are in a rut like me, even if it's for a season or a few days, know that you are not alone. You have a God that is listening to you and is holding you even if you can't feel Him. Even when I feel like I wanna go back to that place of deep depression and give up on my life, I have the Holy Spirit remind me of who I am. I remember that God has kept me in this world for a reason, a reason sometimes I may not understand sometimes but will be explained later on.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul. Psalm 94:19

Thank you for taking the time to read this today. I pray that whatever season you are going through that you feel the love of God comfort you during these hard times.

Much love,

Celeste

#faith #mental health #God #Jesus #vent session

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celestenicolegarcia · 4 years

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Valentines Day

Valentines Day. A day where people celebrate being in love or having someone to love on. Usually when we think of Valentines Day, we think of spending time with our significant other and having sweet treats and great food. People that are alone however, tend to either be on the spectrum of hating Valentines Day or not even caring about it because it's a government holiday. The annoyed single people hate it because of the sappy couple postings, cheesy romantic comedies, stalking their ex’s profiles to see what they're doing, and themselves spending it alone.

As a single person myself I can honestly say that I am not upset that I am single this Valentines Day. Maybe its just me getting older and not caring about having someone or maybe I’ve just been tired of the men I have been dating that I don’t feel the need to date anymore. Most of my life I have been in relationships that have the length of 6 months to 3 years being the longest. As far as being in love, I can recall myself truly being in love with a man twice in my lifetime. One was my high school sweetheart and the other was a guy I dated a few years ago, neither shall I say were something I want today, A Godly man.

I don’t know about you but I have had my fair share of men throughout my life. Before I came to know Christ, I was in and out of relationships faster than you could imagine. Some weren’t even real relationships and they were mostly hookups. I did sleep around for money, food, drugs, or just simply wanted the affection. Don’t get it twisted though, even when I found Christ when I was 24 years old I did have a few slip-ups. I still had sex but this time it was within a relationship so I thought it was “okay” since we were together. I just look back at that girl and think man... why didn’t you just run to Jesus when you were lonely? why a warm body? what was going on at home that you had to run off? why did you disobey your parents and screw up your friendships?

A lot of these questions were hard to think of at the time but I simply didn’t care. I just thought since I believed and gave my life to Jesus I was okay and going to heaven. But I was wrong now looking back. Talk about someone who was lost and just wanting a quick fix of affection but not wanting to go to the source. I would always tell myself that I was perfect and that it was the men always screwing up, now I look back at that girl and say get off your high horse and look in the mirror because you are no saint. You are a lukewarm christian trying to make it in the world and not even looking up at the father, only looking at yourself. And that was the breaking point for me to start turning my life around and taking my life more seriously as well as my relationship with God. Attending bible study, going to church, having accountability partners, and managing my own mental health with therapy. Believe me, when I started looking at Jesus and not of the worldly standards my life got clearer but harder at the same time. When you give your life up for Jesus its not always going to be easy, the more you reach up to Him the more the devil is going to wanna block you from your blessings.

Would you believe me if I told you that I said I’ve never been proposed to? I’m 28 now about to be 29 and I just think to myself sometimes ...why? I’m a good looking woman, attending school online to get my masters degree for psychology, attending church and bible studies, working a part time job doing my hair business since I have my cosmetology license, and I am pretty nice and shall I say funny. Let me tell you, the thoughts of feeling not good enough have come into my mind but I know those are not pure or the right thoughts that Jesus wants me to be thinking. Don’t even get me started on my family members asking me when I’m going to have a baby or pressuring me to adopt. Before you start thinking let me stop you right there and say I love children. I think they are the cutest little people in the world but right now kids are the very last thing on my mind!

I want to encourage you and encourage myself as I feel the Holy Spirit is within me typing up this blog to let you know that you don’t need to be swooped up like in those Disney movies to be truly happy. Let me also say that if you are married or in a relationship am I by no means trying to knock down your union with your spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend. the Bible says in Ecclesiastes 4:9 “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep war,. But how can one keep warm alone?” Marriage is a union and should be sacred. Honor your husband and honor your wife, you both are a team made in the image of our Holy Father.

God created us to love one another no matter what. Even if someone else is having what you wish you had, let them be happy in their life. Love them and support them. Be a good friend and helping hand. Whenever you get angry or jealous of someone else's success remember that God isn't finished with you yet! He has more blessings coming your way and just because you aren’t happy yourself does not mean you take out your personal feelings on others. If someone is mean to you or belittling you because you express how you don’t wanna be alone or hurt because you and your boyfriend/girlfriend broke up, take the high road. Don’t let anyone steal your joy because joy can only come from the Lord and no one else. He is after all the one who created happiness!

I remember when I would take things so personally and I would want to hurt the people who have hurt me. Even if they did deserve to be punished, I know the one who has that power to give me justice. I have yet to type down my testimony on here but I will when I have the time because its pretty lengthy but you will see why I think the way that I do now. Before I used to hold grudges really badly towards the people who have hurt me. When I tell you I have been through the wringer, I mean it. I have been sexually abused by people who I thought would never hurt me, I have been verbally abused by people who I thought would never hurt me and last by not least I have both been verbally and sexually abused from people I hardly even knew. I have been told I am scum of the earth and no one will want me and I have also been told that no one is going to want leftover goods. I have been sexually assaulted in a place of work. I have been raped by a few men in my past. Some I knew and some I didn’t. All those things have stuck with me but they do not define me. The only one who defines me is Jesus Christ and thank God I have a savior because I can’t live this life all by myself, If I try I would probably would have died by now. I have in the past held these situations in my heart and it has caused me so much pain. Trust me, I wanted revenge but I never got it. Then God really brought me down to a place where I forgave them and myself. My anger cannot bring justice for what they have done, only God can. One movie that really sticks out to me is The Shack, now that is a good movie to watch about forgiveness. If you have time, check it out because you won't regret it.

Another verse comes to mind for me is Luke 6 27-33 “But to you who are willing to listen I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, offer the other cheek also. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also.Give to anyone who asks; and when things are taken away from. you, don’t try to get them back. Do to others as you would like them to do to you. If you only love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them! And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you get credit? Even sinners do that much!”

Jesus said that when we love people even when they have hurt us. We have to be the ones that rise up from the earthy things going on in the world. I know I tended to go a little off topic but days like this remind me of my past and it brings me to the present. I want to let you know that you aren't alone today. You do have a valentine and his name is Jesus Christ. He will always be perfect. He will never leave you. He will always be there for you no matter what time of the day or night it is. He will never call you names or do things to hurt you, only help you become the best version of yourself. Valentines Day is a fun holiday but it does not define who love truly is. Love is a person and His name is Jesus. I encourage you to reach out to someone today, even if you aren’t feeling like it. Tell someone you love them today and you are there for them. Tell them that you are thinking of them. Jesus loves you and He will never let you go. I remember when my pastor said this line and ill never forget it. “Once you let Him in, He won't move out!” and I firmly believe that til the day I die.

If you haven’t already and you would like to give your life to Jesus today repeat after me. Jesus, I need you. I’m not perfect and I don’t claim to be. But I need a savior and I’m ready for my life to change for the better. Take me out of myself and let me live the life you promised for me. I love you. I accept you into my life. I welcome you. Amen.

Thank you for taking the time to read my second blog post! I really enjoy doing these posts. They help me vent what I feel and I want to let someone know that they are loved today!

Much love,

Celeste

#christian #christianblog #jesus #God #love #valentinesday #lonely #mentalhealth

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celestenicolegarcia · 4 years

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it's about time you started a blog

I'm not sure who this is but thank you! I think posting on Facebook enough has prepared me for this moment! lol

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celestenicolegarcia · 4 years

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New Year, Same me. Where is God?

Have you ever felt like you couldn’t get out of a rut? Like anything that you do that usually makes you feel better... doesn't? Yeah, that is me right now. Not for the past few days, weeks, or months. It has been going on for about a year now. It has officially be a year of Covid-19 this March. I can't even tell you how much my faith has been tested from March 2020 to now.

So much has happened in my life in-between that time. Losing family and friends to covid, leaving my band to pursue my own ministry, having a boyfriend I thought was different from the rest of the men I have pursued in the past to only break up with him because of his lies and past trauma, gaining about 50 pounds from stuffing my face, to not eating at all as in going on a perfectly tragic binge episode. Let me tell you, it’s been a wild year. People think automatically that this new year of 2021 is going to change it all and most of our issues will magically go away, but they don’t.

Times like these a lot of people are asking ...”where is God?” “why won't He help us?” or as my atheist friends say “why won’t your daddy God help us that is in the sky like you claim he always does?”. Let me tell you straight up, I don’t sugar coat anything that I say. When people ask me such questions as these I straight up tell them, “God is not to be seen, but to be experienced.” “You can't expect God to make miracles if you don’t have a relationship?” How do you expect to hear from God if you don’t talk to Him?

Let me put this in a more simpler way. In a relationship, ...that requires so much commitment right? As you would with someone you are wanting to get to know, You would ask them questions, Read things that they post about online, Listen to music or watch movies that they like to watch, just so you know what you are getting into by being friends with that person. All in all, you are building a relationship with them. Let me tell you, God is wanting a relationship with all of us, Yes, even those who don’t even know who He is or don’t even believe in Him.

He is waiting patiently by your door, knocking. Not once, not twice, but it could be a thousand times. Sometimes He shows up in our dreams, other times He shows up in the Holy Spirit when you are listening to a friend give you good advice. He is not going to pressure us to have a relationship with Him, He is waiting to be invited in our home, in our life, in our mess.

Don’t get me wrong, I have had my days to where I have straight up said “Where are you God? Why are you doing this to me? Why am I hurting so badly? Why must I suffer?” and then I think why not me? I can think of a countless amount of times where God has saved me from major events. Almost dying in a car crash. Almost getting pregnant. Almost killing myself but He stopped me. My story and what I have been through has all been and turned out for the greater good of God.

God doesn’t make these bad things happen to us, the devil does. He has free reign on the world because we are all sinners. We all sin every single day, there is no way to get out of it. Why you may ask? Because we are human. We were created in the image of God but, we have sinned because of the apple. Read Genesis and you’ll learn more about the lessons of good and evil. Now for someone who isn’t a Christian you might be thinking... The devil Celeste...really? Yes! The devil has free reign on the world that we live in. You have no idea what powerful things are going on in the supernatural realm but there are many things. Of course, God has the say anytime and any place to make something change. It is His world after all. But He can’t change everything in the world and make it perfect. Why? because then if everything was perfect, we wouldn’t NEED a God, a savior, a messiah. Thats why we are here on earth to learn and grow and to see what it means to be one of His children.

When you were a child do you remember that song “He’s got the whole world in His hands?” I know I do. I always thought it was a silly song growing up because I was like how does God have the whole world in His hands? That is too big! God would have to be a giant to do that and it freaked me out so I stopped thinking about it.

It wasn’t until my mid twenties I was born again. That is a whole other story I will get to later on. But the point of what I’m getting here is that yes the world is going crazy right now. There are all of these riots. People killing other people. Racial injustice. LGBTQ injustice. People idolizing presidents and hoping they will change the world like they are our God, but they are not. They are humans just like you and I.

The world is not going to change and it is only going to get worse like the Bible tells us in Revelation 6: 3-4. But there is hope, there is happiness, there is peace, and His name is Jesus Christ. He is there waiting for you. He loves you. He wants to get to know you. He is what happiness is, not your phone, not your money, not your boyfriend or girlfriend, not your husband or wife, not your drugs or alcohol. It is Jesus. He is someone who died to know you and love you.

If you ever get sad about the world or why your life is so tough, I want you to think of something greater we will get to experience. in Revelation 21:4 it is said “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

Whoever is reading this today I want you to take this home with you, Talk to Jesus. Tell him what’s going on in your life. He wants to hear from you! He is a parent after all, He wants to hear about your day. Good and bad. Maybe you haven’t done it in a while, thats okay! it's never too late. Just tell him “Whats up Jesus, I know it's been a good minute since we’ve spoke but I wanted to tell you that I need you in my life. I need your love, your reassurance, I want you to show me you are real, prove it to me. Give me a sign. Know I am trying to get to know you.”

That is a great start. Just start talking to Him, if you wanna know more about Him, read about Him in the Bible. Jesus is everywhere in the Bible from the book of Genesis all the way to Revelation! I recommend if you are new to the Bible, get the Bible app. It is free and they have a million versions you can do. I suggest NLT or MSG version if you are doing the Bible app. Those are the easiest to understand.

I hope this message today encouraged you, I hope it would let you know that no matter what hardships you are going through in your life, Jesus hasn’t forgotten about you. I know that, even though I deal with an eating disorder I am trying to beat, heartache from losing people I love, dealing with anxiety and depression, nothing is too powerful to keep me from loving my God and my God loving me. If it wasn’t for Him, I wouldn’t be here typing this today.

Much Love,

Celeste

#Christian #Faith #Blog #New #Jesus #Doubt #Trouble #Pain #Suicide #Mentalhealth

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