cerissy

[cerissy]

the next best thing

giving into these

inelegant feelings

is the next best thing

daydreams so dirty

wouldn’t want you to see

what’s stirring within

my dark and icy heart

it’s a work of art

the way i straddle

the boundaries

it’s a grand performance

this pretend romance

i dont love you

i just love what i see

let me play with you baby

it’s just between you and me

(inspired by a dream ☁)

[cerissy]

being seen

i am not quite sure what it means to be seen. how much of myself am i willing to expose? how deep can i allow the public to go? sharing what i write is difficult because it is, in a sense, a granting of permission. and not everyone is careful. not everyone will understand. and i write so that people understand. so that people understand me: why i am such a bitch, and why i am not really a bitch but actually very kind. and i want people to understand the reason why i am kind, and who taught me how to be kind, and how i much i fantasize of a world that is kind.

[cerissy]

“no matter who i’m in love with, you’re my only hero nana” 💔

[cerissy]

sometimes tsunami

sometimes my emotions vibrate into a tsunami

something deep emerges, erupts, consumes

and suddenly i no longer understand what it means to offend

and i no longer have what it takes to forgive

and when i am offered words meant for comfort

they become sharp blades against my naked throat

sometimes i feel like i've lost the battle

sometimes i am not sure if these feelings are justified

sometimes it is as if i did not learn the lesson

but sometimes i just have to ride the waves

sometimes i have to surrender to water

sometimes i just have to breathe, or gasp for air

sometimes i simply must remember again

because the grief is here to stay

because love is alive in me everyday.

[cerissy]

I am constantly haunted by the ghosts of my lost friendships. These relationships always find a way into the deepest parts of my soul, wrapping my heart in a clingy film of joy and warmth, nearly impossible to break away from once you're fully encased in it, until it breaks on its own. Until it is no longer there and still feel the hurt. The phantom pain from a severed connection is such a great mystery.

There is a fear that emerges here: the fear that the connections I have made are merely imagined. That someone is always watching my every move--plotting, strategizing, praying for my downfall, hexing me. I am afraid that all of my connections have never been genuine, only born out of politeness and courtesy. I never have been truly sure of who my people were, but it is of course never helpful to doubt the people around me. Placing any amount of trust into anybody is terrifying. The price of love and friendship can be steep, and I wonder if it is something I can afford. However, I wonder if the price of loving less is steeper. Maybe living life without love is a bad investment, like living in hell before you're due to go there.

Perhaps I should move through this night gently, with a certain slowness to acknowledge the hurt and the damage, to respectfully grieve the loss of these lost friendships. I must remember that I am a wonderful person with so much love to give. I hope that all can see me in the same rosy, sparkly light in which I see myself, illuminating the side of me who has grown, who has learned great love and great loss, who has been finally made aware of her magic.

[cerissy]

praise be to pink

no one will remember this, only your body. sink into your softness, not into shame. no matter what, you deserve all especially love. no matter what, you belong to you and not anyone else.

go out to the world with sparkle on your eyelids, gloss on your lips, a relaxed arch on your brows and a gentle smile lifting your cheeks. a day is a day; we paint them however we want. so for this day, this hour, this minute: let it be pink.

praise be to pink--a flush of joy peeking underneath my skin. it is effort. it is emotion. it is eros. a subtle smile, a secret story, a sweet scandal. praise be.

melt the monochrome away and blush into brazen being. blush into your goddess self. blush into pink.

~cerisse 1.24.2023

note: i had an upsetting, embarrassing day hence the piece about blushing. this is an attempt to reframe the pink blush of embarrassment. pink is for girl power, not for girl shame 💗

[cerissy]

Beach/ocean request🌟

[cerissy]

it's my graduation day on friday

damn :)

i ordered gold-filled jewelry and low heeled shoes from amazon (sorry, not to be a traitor, but i am in a rush lol) for my graduation day on friday. i didn't even have the time to get a new dress. im going to wear my favourite floral one, which i've only worn once. i really would have preferred not to wear a floral one but alas, there was just no time. i hope the shoes that i ordered would fit because i wouldnt have any time to get a new one if it doesn't fit me comfortably.

im hoping to get some cardio in at least twice before friday so that my blood is circulating properly before this occasion 😂 that may sound weird, but when i dont exercise i actually become a little crazier and more anxious. big gatherings and celebrations can really overwhelm me so i usually need to take care of myself really well before a big day.

i got my hair/highlights refreshed this weekend, and im being gentle on my skin this week, and im trying to practice makeup and hair looks. but im probably going to keep things really simple. i like simple; it's familiar and comfortable and easy. im booking my favourite local italian restaurant for friday dinner with my partner and my family after the grad reception with my grad cohort members. it's too bad my dad is gone, but im sure he is around celebrating with us. not like in a ghost way, but in a peaceful, spiritual way lol.

i dont really know what this graduation day means to me. my grad program was special, but for me personally, it wasn't an academic journey in a way that most people think. it was very much a personal inner work, almost like a 2-year long therapy session, but then again in my master's, ive learned to consider that in itself as a form of academic learning. why not? in my grad program, ive learned to respect art and artists and myself as an artist and finding place for art in "academic" spaces. ive learned what it means to think in a non-dual way, to accept multiple truths, to see academics as something more than grades and evaluation. ive learned to honour different ways of thinking and being. ive learned to acknowledge the body as an infinite source of wisdom. oftentimes when we think of academics, we think of the brain, but not the torso, the stomach, the shoulders. why not? the body is a source of information, and dancing can be a form of academic research.

im excited to walk the stage not because of the credentials, but because im proud to have completed the program despite the death of my father in 2021 while i was deep in this grad program. it was a challenge and a blessing at the same time. i want to celebrate with my family, despite our tense relationships, because i want to show them that we are capable of achieving things without my dad and that we can move forward and celebrate special occasions without him. my siblings never did go to my undergraduate graduation in 2016, but it's kind of sweet that they are doing their best to make it on friday. very uncharacteristic of them, but that's my family. it's very complicated but there's love among us.

[cerissy]

[cerissy]

something about yesterday

i like errand days, sometimes.

yesterday, my partner cory and i went to have brunch at the neighborhood pancake house. he was making it up to me for sleeping in until 5:30 pm the day before (yes it was ridiculous - we didn't get any chores done). the clouds that hung over the city gave a constant threat of a rainy day. when we got to the restaurant, it was busy, and the food was mid, but the coffee was just how i like it. something about that was so comforting. it was about finding comfort in simple things amidst the general discomfort and inconvenience of it all. one of my profs in grad school once said that the mundane can be a portal to the sacred. and it's true. magic is everywhere, even in your morning coffee.

after that, we went to a japanese cosmetics store (tokyo no beauty). this was unplanned. yesterday was supposed to be about brunch and grocery shopping, but i asked to go to tokyo no beauty on a whim. cory agreed to drive us there, and there i got an oil cleanser, vitamin c essence, and hair mask that were all over tiktok 😋 the impulse shop gave me a dopamine hit and cory commented on how i became so much more energetic after the stop at the cosmetics store lol

we also happened to walk by a complex which was supposed to have a hidden coffee shop. we tried looking for a secret entrance but could not find it. it was like a side quest that hadn't been unlocked! i found amusement in being unable to locate a secret coffee shop, because if it was a secret coffee shop, it should stay a secret. at least from me, at this time.

we headed to the asian grocery store for some kimchi, soba noodle dip, and some kitchen supplies. i was frustrated and overwhelmed as usual because it was so crowded and i could not find furikake. i ALWAYS get overwhelmed at asian grocery stores. it gets very crowded and the shelves are often too close together. after being unable to find furikake and fuji salad dressing, i gave up, we paid, and left.

after expressing my frustration with asian grocery stores, cory calmed me down by holding my hand and suggesting that we check out the korean bakery near where we parked. they sell pastry that i really like, something they call mammoth bread. we ended up getting matcha donuts instead of that, and then we drove to the grocery store where we did most of our shopping.

the grocery store was as normal as it could be, which is perfect. normal is good, familiar, comforting. no surprises. we got what we needed for dinner (beef stew). cory wanted milk tea after shopping, but i didn't, so he went to order milk tea while i walked around the pharamacy and bought drugstore makeup. i accidentally spent more on that than actual groceries 😐

apparently cory's bestfriend was waving at us somewhere sometime during the day. we did not see him, and cory thought it was funny. his friend said "i didn't say hi because i didn't want to interrupt your date" to which cory replied, "dude we were just grocery shopping!"

we got home, put the groceries away, and then we ate our donuts. it was cory's turn to cook so he started making beef stew, so i went into the bedroom to watch a korean drama (celebrity) while waiting. soon after that, it was dinner time, then i cleaned the kitchen, and then i binged the kdrama until 2 am 🤭

something about yesterday was perfect. it wasn't perfect, but it was. it probably wasnt the same for cory because i know he would rather stay home or hang out with his friends. i just like slow days with the right amount of adventure and disappointments and surprises. there was no rush, and we could afford to stop and be curious about a hidden coffee shop or a bakery. we safely returned home, stocked up the fridge, had a comfortable bed waiting for me. it's a reminder of a simple and safe privileged life that i will always be grateful for.

i could go on and on. as simple as my life may be, simple is extravagant these days, and life is never guaranteed. i hold onto these things right now while i am still alive 💖

[cerissy]

this week: never back to square one

this week, i started taking exercise more seriously again :)

i always get discouraged when i take breaks from working out. it's always been an on/off journey for me. my commitment to it is always being challenged. first was money (gym + personal training fees are expensive, and being an anxious newbie i needed extra support at the gym), then when i had the money, i got a gym membership and a personal trainer, then i got injured. then i returned, but then my father got sick and died so i was too depressed to go back. then, after some time away, i came back but moved to a new place far from my gym. i didnt have access to anything again until now, in our little apartment condo with a small resources gym. it's perfect because i rarely see anyone around so i can be alone with my thoughts when i work out lol

i wish there was a squat rack. i just try to make do...

i usually feel some shame around being stagnant for too long, gaining weight, being a weak nerd, and also just feeling like all my hard work in the past went to nothing. but it's never back to square one. my time at the gym before helped me practice how to lift, how to listen to my body, and how to find movements that feel good to me vs those that feel like punishment. there is also nothing wrong with being fat, that fat people can be fit. being a weak nerd is okay because we all start somewhere, and i love being a nerd. for me, i just want to be strong enough to go hiking one day and be with nature, and maybe be able to punch horrible people in the face one day if the need should arise.

as usual i love good food :p I don't have time to take pics of all of my food anymore. i eat vegetables i promise, i just dont take pics of them because theyre not as fun to look at 😂

the other day i went to see my doctor and theres cheap AMAZING indian food there that my bf and i always go to. they have the BEST butter chicken (and garlic naan, but we didn't get garlic naan this week 😑. also, since it's starting to be a bit autumn-y, i made chili! chili is such a comforting dish. one of my fall favourites for sure.

i also went to see my family and we had jollibee together because pinoys.

sometimes i dont really remember what ive been doing throughout the whole week. it's just work and work and fill the remaining time with games and books and food and self care.

next week i look forward to:

my hair appointment

graduation dress shopping? (do i care enough about graduation? unclear)

idk it's going to be my period week so prepare for some emotional posts. i cry everytime LOL

[cerissy]

game backlog + fall tbr

videogame backlog:

like a dragon gaiden

strange horticulture

paranormasight

smt strange journey redux

ys 9

piofiore 1926

the wandering sword

papers please

hypnospace outlaw

...whatever im in the mood for

tbr:

days at the morisaki bookshop

stoner

pachinko

tokyo ueno station

bliss montage

legends & lattes

on earth we're briefly gorgeous

...whatever im in the mood for

[cerissy]

blog beginnings: skincare + makeup

currently in the mood to try blogging again. today is my day off, and i promised myself that i will let boredom takeover my life more often. i cherish boring days because this is the time when i embrace doing random things and completely abandon any type of planning.

today i feel like talking about makeup and skincare. im not an expert though, just an enthusiast.

for skincare, i usually wear makeup and sunscreen (laneige hydro UV defense), so i like to take it off using the farmacy green clean cleansing balm. i ran out of this product recently, and sephora canada stopped carrying them (honestly RUDE), so i got a small size of the clinique take the day off charcoal cleansing balm just to try it out. i am not sure if im a fan of the clinique one... it doesn't do the job as good as the farmacy one 😐 after that i cleanse my face with the inkey list salicylic acid cleanser cause im a double cleanse girlie.

im on the hunt for a new toner so that's coming soon, and i recently got the needly daily toner pads which are so popular in korea right now. i tried it and i found that it already made me skin so soft and balanced after just 1 day of use 😮 of course im going to keep using this. after this i would use serums but im also out of the ordinary niacinamide serum so it's not in the photo. then i use a moisturizer (innisfree green tea hyaluronic acid cream).

sometimes i do masks too!

i enjoy using makeup but im not as interested in it as i am with skincare for some reason 😋 i like to change up the products i use but the ones i have been using for a long time are these ones:

tarte face tape foundation (not pictured because im trying sephora's best skin ever foundation as i heard it's a dupe. it's not. maybe in the first hour? it doesn't last as long as the face tape foundation. listen, i know it can cost your kidneys, but the tarte foundation is amazing unfortunately 🤠)

tarte shape tape concealer (using a mini one right now because im looking for a dupe… again, this shit is expensive.)

glossier boy brow (i cannot find any good dupes either. love love love this product)

glossier pro-tip eyeliner (i love this because ive been in countless situations where i cried: went to therapy sessions where i cried, i was wearing this to the hospital when my dad was sick and i cried, i went to class and talked about heavy issues and i cried... and it never smudged. no racoon eyes. thank you glossier.)

kat von d everlasting liquid lipstick (which has been discontinued apparently. i love the lolita ii shade though. oh well)

kissme heroine make mascara (the only mascara for me. dont sleep on jbeauty! in the pic i also have the maybelline sky high mascara but i find that it doesn't last as long as kissme)

tarte aquaflash foundation brush (mermaid vibes, but also reeeaallly great when im using liquid products)

rare beauty liquid touch foundation brush (im starting to really like rare beauty)

newer ones im trying:

lys no limits cream bronzer stick (it's okay. very creamy and blendable!)

colorgram fruity glass tint (ummm no. the packaging is so cute but the product itself is a pass for me)

i use two eyeshadow palettes: colourpop smoke & roses and huda beauty rose quartz because i love pink shades and subtle glitter

colourpop sailormoon pink powder blush (i mean it's pink. and it's sailormoon.)

anastasia beverly hills translucent setting powder (i really want the charlotte tilbury one)

i have no setting spray at the moment but usually it's the nyx dewy finish setting spray. i also want the charlotte tilbury one...

as you may have noticed, i need to go shopping to restock 😋 i hope this entertained you a little bit, or even picked up some useful recommendations and ideas for your own skincare and makeup routine 😊 haircare, on the other hand, is a whole other beast.

[cerissy]

some books on my tbr:

on earth we're briefly gorgeous - ocean vuong

i who have never known men - jacqueline harpman

beijing sprawl - zechen xu

bestiary - k-ming chang

hit parade of tears - izumi suzuki

tokyo ueno station - yu miri

[cerissy]

City Hunter (1987)

[cerissy]

Haven’t read manga in a while, but I will make some time for it this week  ♡

[cerissy]

Finished the Piofiore no Banshou finale. Yang still has my heart :eyes: I was saving the short stories and 1926 prologue so now it’s time for me to read those!!!