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If she cared enough see me she would agree. Pero ayaw naman niya nawalan ako ng lakas ng loob. Kaya nga nagpaplano eh, na kahit ako na lang ang pumunta, ang magbayad ang gumastos, pero ayaw niya pa rin.

Inuna niya hiya niya, inuna niya yung walang pera problema niya palagi pera. Kingina niya, being present is what I need pinagkait niya.

Sabi niya kahit sa karton na lang matulog, tatawa tawa pa siya. Nung sineryoso ko ayaw naman niya panindigan. Ang lakas ng loob niya magjoke pero kung totohanin na ayaw na niya. DUWAG! Nakakainis. Ako na nga yung nagawa ng paraan ayaw niya pa leche.

Hays, this hurts. Consider this consider that has she ask ask anything first?? Tangina ano ba priority niya??? Maghintay?? Eh talking stage kami? Slowburn ang gusto ko oo pero it’s almost a year na. Paabutin niya ng 2 years talking stage with 0 dates?? Pota. Tapos di pa niya ginagawa best niya. It’s really a fucking waste of time. Ang pait na lang ng panlasa ko sa kanya.🤮🤮🤮

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Grabe ngayon ko ba narealize yung feeling ng tumatawa pero hindi ko maramdaman yung saya.

Hindi ko alam kasi feeling ko na pinepeke ko lang yung saya ko, yunng tawa ko kahit totoo naman na nakakatawa yung joke.

Ewan ko like palagi naman ako natawa kahit hindi nakakatuwa.

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You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do.

Carl Jung

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Spilled thoughts ulit at 2am

What in the actual fuck? Alam mo ba habang tinatapye ko yung truth letter kay Jorg naiisip ko si Emjay?! Like wtf?

First of all hindi ko siya crush. Hindi ko rin siya bati 🤣 joke lang hindi naman kami nag away pero like namisinterpret ko lang kasi na love yung atensyon na binigay niya sa akin, and yet heto ako ngayon after 5 years iniisip siya habang tinatype yon is like wtf? I was imagining her, na nagrarant ako sa kanya like the “old times”, which I forgot about na dati yung mga pinagkukwentohan ko sa kanya yung mga pent up feelings ko and for the first time in forever may someone na nakinig sa akin and I feel so much love unlike kay Jorgie 😭😭😭 sobrang simple lang ang gusto ko sa tao pero sa sobrang daming tao na nakilala si Emjay lang ang may kakayahan na 1. Makinig 2. Magbigay ng space to hear my thoughts 3. and hold my emotions. She also share mga few experiences niya pero hindi ba siya nagbibigay ng advice, and that is what I love about her, she just let me cry, di siya nagsosolve ng rants ko, nor dismiss my feelings, she just sits there and hold me. Yun lang kailangan ko 😭😭 and then I treat her somewhere na masarap para gumaan loob niya after my rant. 😖 I miss that feeling kaya I miss Emjay so much 😭😭

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A lost letter to Jeo Mnsan

First of all, sorry for all the things that I’ve done.

1. I am sorry for cursing you when I got mad.

I have no excuse on this mean behaviour of mine and I should be wiser, handling my emotions and not lashing out and cursing you when i have negative emotion. Next time I will always watch my words esp when I am angry.

2. I am sorry for noticing every detail of your wrong doings just to make a valid point. I should just be more forgiving to small doings that shouldn’t be a big deal.

3. I am sorry for projecting my fears instead of talking with you. I should be more vulnerable with you and open to convo instead of pushing you out.

There you go.

But also, I can’t help to say that I feel hurt whenever I am with you. Maybe because of I’ve been lying to myself for so long.

I honestly want to tell you that I don’t like you, romantically. I find you likeable, in the sense of curiosity. I was fascinated by how you tell stories and adventures of your life, and how entertaining it was to hear in my ears. I am curious how you do it. I found myself lack of enthusiasm in sharing my OA side with people in general and I want to do how you do it. That is why I get close to you. But I found myself spiraling down into despair of finding things I like on a person romantically in you, when in the first place I really really don’t. I should be more honest with you. And I also blame myself for being so fake, and easily drag with sales-talk and peer pressure. I still have to find out what happen to me these past years of isolation. I always drag myself into situations i barely think if this benefits me or not. Idk maybe I am too tired thinking and now i am in this phase of just do it. To which I personally think/judge is out of character.

That is not me tho, so I feel like I am trying hard to fit in. Now I realize that during my workdays, na I feel so “lutang” in a sense like out of body experience during my work days. It feels like I am not here, I am not me, I am not real. Para akong multo. Kaya siguro nag bebreakdown ako palagi sa bus pauwi. I feel so lost! I hate that feeling. I used to love the sunlight, I used to love walking, but during those times, I hate everything. Just like back in high school. I should be ok now and adjusting pero maybe I shouldn’t. I should know what I really want and don’t want, so that I create my confidence. If I know who I am then I will be confident. Pero often times I don’t so I just go with the flow. Anyway geting back to the truth, I lost track of my true goals, and I dragged you down to my lost roads. I am sorry trully.

But all that I have said to you was 100 truth. I love you as who you are and the way you are, it’s just our love style don’t fit in really. Truth is, I have a high standard, maybe because, I have been trying hard to comprehend, analyze and make sense of love that really does not fit the logic that I wanted, or maybe I am still figuring out at this point and that is the point of dating. According to some, love is easy, but maintaining it is the hard part and yet inlove, it shouldn’t feel hard when you really love someone. And this is why I failed, I failed you. I failed because I don’t love you the way you love me. I don’t love you not because I have attachment issue but, I really don’t feel it. I tried so hard to feel it but I don’t. I tried so hard to find it in you, but it never grows. That is why I stayed, hoping it will grow, but no. I failed and I am sorry. I do really like your company, and maybe that is what I need at the moment but not I want. Thank you for being there with me during my confusion times but just so you know, and I still feel, you didn’t listen, all I want from you is to listen and comprehend, and this hurts me a nth folds that you don’t, even as a friend. I am sorry for I decieved you. I let you fall and trust me. But it was a good run. 🙂

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two lovely cutiepie 🤏

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We do have reputations

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stellefly ※If you like this artwork please support the artist by visiting the source!

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Grabe pala kapag ako pa mismo yung na-fall out of love.

I am the one who always love the person na ayaw sa akin, tapos ngayon nandito naman ako sa pwesto na kung saan, ako ang gusto niya at hindi ko siya gusto.

Reasons are, I tried to look for any qualities that I like about her besides sa funny, pero I notice na wala siyang hobbies, wala rin siyang interest talking about politics, even sa favorite shows ko na GL, lack luster ang kanyang opinion. If ever, ako lang palagi nagbibigay ng insights, then she just agrees. I want to see her mind pero hindi siya nag-oopen up. Kahit sa gaming, when we should suppose to have fun medyo nakaka frustrate siya kasama, she can't jump on obbies, or even simple instruction from me hindi niya masunod. At kahit nahirapan lang siya ng konti ayaw na niya. Hindi siya nagtatry or gumagawa ng paraan, kung hindi ko pa siya ipupush, hindi siya magpupursigi. Ayaw niya rin sumama sa akin sa difficult puzzles na I really like, I mean okay lang pero the way she says it like "ayoko diyan mahirap," is like di niya ba kaya harapin kapag mahirap. Pwede naman sabihin niya na "hindi na kaya ng abilities ko toh" is much better. I feel discourage lang kasi, nahahawa ako kapag ganyan ang thinking.

Grabe pala kapag ako pa mismo yung na-fall out of love.

I am the one who always love the person na ayaw sa akin, tapos ngayon nandito naman ako sa pwesto na kung saan, hindi ko na siya gusto.

Reasons are, I tried to look for any qualities that I like about her besides sa funny, pero I notice na wala siyang hobbies, wala rin siyang interest talking about politics, even sa favorite shows ko na GL, lack luster ang kanyang opinion. If ever, ako lang palagi nagbibigay ng insights, then she just agrees. I want to see her mind pero hindi siya nag-oopen up. Kahit sa gaming, when we should suppose to have fun medyo nakaka frustrate siya kasama, she can't jump on obbies, or even simple instruction from me hindi niya masunod. At kahit nahirapan lang siya ng konti ayaw na niya. Hindi siya nagtatry or gumagawa ng paraan, kung hindi ko pa siya ipupush, hindi siya magpupursigi. Ayaw niya rin sumama sa akin sa difficult puzzles na I really like, I mean okay lang pero the way she says it like "ayoko diyan mahirap," is like di niya ba kaya harapin kapag mahirap. Pwede naman sabihin niya na "hindi na kaya ng abilities ko toh" is much better. I feel discourage lang kasi, nahahawa ako kapag ganyan ang thinking.

I also see dishonesty sa kanya, the way she chats ba, always incomplete or there's an excuse, at puro siya akala. Hindi naman parehas utak namin bakit niya ba inaasume yung nasa isip niya yung sinabi ko? For example: "I find this show boring because, it's not my taste", then she would say na, "maganda naman ah" like I just told her na i just don't like the show doesn't mean na pangit siya, this is just my preference at hindi siya negative. It's like you like tapa, but I prefer chop suey. It doesn't mean that tapa is bad, it's not my taste or like. Ganun mga concept hindi niya ba magets, and assumes. Kaya nafufrustrate ako sa kanya na she assumes agad, and does not ask questions.

Another thing that I don't like about her is the way she talks behind people's back. She attacks the person instead sa actions niya, or sa mga choice of words. I could not handle that kind ba. She is even racist, making fun of other people's color tapos she would agree naman after na ayaw niya na hinuhusgahan siya ng ibang tao, then she would lose confidence kapag judge niya rin sarili niya. Naiitiman na siya sa sarili niya sa akin okay lang naman skin tone niya dahil natural na filipina siya. I am also not that white. Ang dami rin namin iniiwasan na topic, she doesn't like politics, doesn't like deep talks, at nanghihingi ako opinion niya pero, palaging neutral. I don't get any satisfaction from her. Only she agrees then says something na nagaagree sa statements ko, like paraphrasing, and I feel manipulated lang din lol. She agrees kahit negative na sinasabi ko na sa kanya, I don't want that. I want someone who will not be afraid na kontrahin ako, and be gentle with disagreements. Ayun lang sobra lang ako naturn off ako sa level of understanding niya, at hindi niya mafuel yung intellectual hunger ko. It's me, na palaging nagbibigay ng info, at ang nakukuha ko lang sa kanya ay tsismis. Which I honestly rarely care about.

One of the hardest at pinakamasakit ay, hindi niya ako maintindihan. When we were talking pa kasi akala ko gets niya ako, pero ang ginagawa lang niya is umo-oo lang siya pero ng hinihingi ko feedback niya, super layo sa sinabi ko. She does not comprehend what I say sa chat. Chat na nga yun ha. Pero Kahit na nagcall pa kami, wala parin, I don't feel seen, I tried naman, to understand her, pero she does not. Communication is the key daw pero I'd say comprehension. Hindi ko na kayang sakyan ang ganiyang tao. Not aligned with my values and dismisses my feelings, at nasasaktan ako. Naadress ko nanaman sa kanya pero she keeps saying the reason kung bakit niya ginawa, not even acknowledging na nasaktan ako sa ginawa niya. Overtime I've built resentment. I have to end it because it hurts lang for me and I am suffering. I've been thinking about it for days na rin kasi how I feel frustrated and hurt pero di nya makita yun.

Kahit mahal ko siya, but I don't feel love from her. Her language is simple and mine isn't. I feel hurt. I think love is really not enough, but effort to understand and adjusting to your lover's language is.

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Okay night shift isn’t for me.

I just love the thought of pretty nights where I could walk in the dark, with stars and silent roads I could take, a slow time I could peacefully think.

But in truth, night in the city is troublesome, in a hurried steps where darkness creeps, with fake stars on the streets called lamps, clashing voices of calls in my ears, time I need to guard for it fleets fast I couldn’t even think well. I’d feel drunk without alcohol for staying awake. It feels groggy in a worst way.

This shift, I couldn’t feel myself, my thoughts, my words, my brains splits into two.

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Why do I complicate things when I am suppose to be contented and happy.

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confessions

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