chaosinthematrix

[chaosinthematrix]

Putting this here because it’s truly the only platform I feel able to speak freely on.

Monster (noun) : one who deviates from normal or acceptable behavior or character

*gasp* you’re a monster!

………

How many times have I been called a monster by those who should love and care for me the most? I’ve lost count. I thought it was going to end when I made the change last summer. For a little while I thought it was different. But how naive, how unaware I was. I tricked myself into thinking I’d found the change I so desperately sought out.Honeymoon periods always end. Congratulations, you win.

You perceive my “selfishness” as an attack on you personally or an attempt to undermine. When in reality, I had to care for myself by myself to survive. Ulterior motive? How dare she desire someone to validate her feelings for once in her life. To give her the same care or allowances everyone else around her has received for far less extenuating circumstances. How dare she, someone who has given and given and given want to get even a fraction of what she’s owed. How dare she want to finally be understood.

But she found it, and it wasn’t with you. It was with the people who never really left, or the ones she didn’t find until much later when she went searching for herself away from your hovering hands. Finally out on her own, she blossomed. You wish you had a part in it and you try to claim it as your own, but it isn’t. And it never will be.

I’m done proving to them I’m not a monster. I could move heaven and earth, I could cure cancer, I could solve world hunger. It’ll never matter. It will never be good enough.

Today it ends. You have no hold on me, no part of me any longer.

I’m giving into temptation to become the “monster” you’ve labeled me as.

From now on, it’s me, my husband, and the few people that matter against the world. They know who they are. They’ve never doubted me or left me. In reality, it’s always been that way. And that’s okay.

If I’m really the black sheep, then you’re the shepherd who cast me into the shadows of the pasture.

If I’m a monster, then you’re Dr. Frankenstein.

[chaosinthematrix]

me drinking green tea: this is gonna fix Everything

[chaosinthematrix]

when your friend is lying but you know the truth 

[chaosinthematrix]

*it starts raining*

me: yes

*lighting appears*

me: yES

*thunders explode*

me: YES

*raining intensifies*

me: YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS

[chaosinthematrix]

White couples that adopt non-white kids

[chaosinthematrix]

*sticks my leg in the air* give me attention

[chaosinthematrix]

goals: getting as fucked up as christine is in this video

[chaosinthematrix]

do you ever have like a breakdown but your logical brain is still active just thinking “ok this is annoying can we wrap this up so we can go back to bottling these feelings and like going to work or whatever” lol

[chaosinthematrix]

me, yelling at my anxiety: heart palpitations are UNNECESSARY!!! nothing is happening you melodramatic fool!!!

my anxiety, shouting through a megaphone and ignoring me like a petulant child: 🎶 you better watch out 🎶 you better watch out  🎶 you better wATCH OUT  🎶 YOU BETTER WATCH OUT  🎶 yOu BeTTeR wAtCh oUt  🎶

[chaosinthematrix]

When you tell your friend a really bad pun;

[chaosinthematrix]

i hate when people call their grandparents weird names instead of grandma and grandpa like babooshka or salami

[chaosinthematrix]

[chaosinthematrix]

My mom in the front seat of the car rapping to Snoop Dogg : 💁🏻‍♀️

Her boyfriend in the passenger seat watching some old boxing video on Facebook: 🥊 🙅🏽‍♂️

Me in the back having a panic attack:

👁👄👁

[chaosinthematrix]

no meme caption this is just me

[chaosinthematrix]

We have a Youtube Channel if you would like to support us there as well!

YOUTUBE

[chaosinthematrix]

This is why I do what I do. So this hopefully never happens to another child. So glad to hear justice has been served today, thanks to the hard work of all the investigators, prosecutors and their staff.

There is NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE.

If you see something, SAY SOMETHING.

Each and every one of these heroes worked damn hard to get today's verdict. Thank you to them for the incredible work they do every single day protecting our children.

[chaosinthematrix]

I have not touched my fiancée or my dog in over two weeks because of Covid

Just a couple more days of quarantine to go