chaoticpluto366

[chaoticpluto366]

Queer Dating Diary - Chapter 1

So two things I have learned this evening.

The universe wants me to date a woman next because the only dating app I could get set up on my phone was HER.

Apparently I have next to no standards when it comes to women. I'm swiping right as much as a college frat boy in the cafeteria.

Women are amazing. I'm so gay.

[chaoticpluto366]

Cis men are trying to deflect and deny their manifest sexual abuse of women by creating the fictional 'trans women offender'.

Don't trust cis rape culture to protect women.

[chaoticpluto366]

Turning the page

Today I made the decision to leave my found family. These are the people that I met as I was trying to find my way out of an extremely difficult situation with my blood family. They helped me, supported me, loved me for several years. It has changed a little over time, a few people leaving, a few people joining.

The current group merged together to try to survive the late stage capitalist hellscape that was America. To homeschool the kids so they didn't end up victims of a school shooting. We started researching options of how to leave the country in a few years. And then Trump was elected and we knew we had to GTFO.

So we did - we left in January and it has been an unbelievably difficult process. The quality of my relationships inside the group have diminished significantly, with one person in particular. We have both hurt and damaged each other. Their behavior towards me in the aftermath has become increasingly toxic. And I can't do it anymore.

I'm about to be on my own, in a foreign country. I'm scared to death. No one on the internet is going to see this. I'm invisible in the ocean of posts on this site every day. But my god am I scared.

I've never been on my own. I've always had people. But unfortunately all of those people have been pretty unhealthy in different ways. An abusive mother, a manipulative ex boyfriend, and now a family of well meaning but horrifically traumatized people that aren't always capable of living up to the standards they would like. Myself included.

Today I chose to close a major chapter of my life. One that has done more to shape me in the past 3 years than the 25 that came before it. Tomorrow new choices will be made that lead me in entirely new directions.

[chaoticpluto366]

Another journaling update:

I have struggled with not having any physical books with me after my move. I wish so badly I had been able to keep just a few.

But now I look at the one journal as a book of me. Something that I write a little more of every day.

It brings me immense gratification to see that now I'm not so scared to take up space in the pages. After years of being obsessed with minimalist layouts, now I'm willing to use color and sketch tiny drawings in the margins. I am willing to use every corner of space to catalog who I am at the current moment.

Now I see beauty in the mess and the chaos rather than striving for perfection. I am proud of myself, of the work I have done to get to this place of joy, flow, and creativity.

[chaoticpluto366]

I have journaled almost all my life. Stream of consciousness, bullet journaling, digital methods like Notion - you name it, I've done it. Always in pursuit of the best, most perfect method. An outlet for the rampant perfectionism that has had control over me most of my life.

In my ever evolving process of deconstructing my perfectionism, I've turned my attention to my journaling practice. And I've learned a few things.

My need to change systems so often was not a failure. It was me looking for the tool that suited where I was at in life and what my needs were. Needs that change over time.

My systems support me, not the other way around. Now, my practice is largely decentralized. I have a paper notebook that I use however I need to. I use Google Keep as my digital dumping ground. Brain dumps, how to videos, projects, you name it. My tags are chaotic and I don't have a regularly scheduled review time where I clean it up. I just do it when I want to.

A perfect, coherent, consistent record of every moment of my life is not necessary. Or even helpful. I lugged every journal I had ever had from childhood to adulthood with me through 2 moves. But then came time for a major life change - a move to Europe - and I couldn't bring them with me. I had to burn every single page and didn't even have time to read them all first.

But the traumas and heartaches are still with me. My mind, my body still remembers them. And if it's been that way for almost 30 years, then it will continue to be that way for at least another 30. That's good enough for me.

Becoming consumed with how I'm organizing and documenting my life has always kept me from actually living it. Journaling is incredibly useful. It is calming, it can help you connect with how you are using your time and energy, and it is a powerful processing tool. But as with all things, especially if you are obsessive and compulsive like me, there a balance.

[chaoticpluto366]

The best part about having no money and no access to streaming services right now is that I get to explore all of the free corners of the internet.

I LOVE Star Wars. I always have, ever since I watched the original trilogy with my dad on Spike TV on Memorial Day weekend. But I was such a mainstream consumer. I watched the movies, binge watched the shows on Disney+, read a few novels.

But now if I want to connect with something that has been a part of my life for so long, I can't just open up an app and watch a few episodes. Instead I get to explore fanfics and edits and reviewers - I get to enjoy being part of a community that I never really acknowledged before. I get to enjoy the work of other creatives who have taken their passion projects and shared their enthusiasm with the rest of us.

And I just think that is super cool.