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A Start.

I am going to find a new place to pour my thoughts. This blog has done enough of my needs for now. I broke another promise, I know, but I think it's time to move on to something new.

Brace yourself, Gal.

Have a day.

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every single morning

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Problematic

I need to book a therapy session.

I have been feel like shit these past weeks and deep inside I know that I need help, however the courage I have always given to people who are afraid to fulfill their need to heal is none when it comes to my own self. Hypocrite indeed.

So yesterday I decided to talk to two friends of mine for support. As much as I know you owe no expectation to any form of beings, but I just needed to listen (or read) to some encouragement from someone nearby. Me being a validation seeker is an old news.

In any ways, the responses I got from my dear folks were on point, yet suddenly I remember Taylor Swift recent song which lyrics goes by:

It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero.

Yup. Guess I am the problem. 

Have a day.

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Alight

Poetry Comics Month, Day 2

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Ode To the Acorn

An ode is a celebration or appreciation of something worth admiring. Some of my favorite odes are by Pablo Neruda, who wrote poems for everything from socks to tomatoes. What would you celebrate today?

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Critical Eleven

What do you do when your brain is on auto-pilot mode?

I have not been able to feel present for the past days ever since I got laid off from my latest company. Winter came early in edu-tech business and not-so-surprisingly, they have to cut off for over 40% of their employees. Unfortunately despite I have worked for almost a year there, I just got into probation for the past two-months, so I am fired. 

Weirdly enough when my supervisor told me that I don’t make it to continue further, I got relieved. 

It is strange... Most of my coworkers cried and depressed when they got the news, meanwhile I kind of looking forward to it? Not necessarily means I hate working there or I dislike the job. I am more than grateful, honest. That’s why I’m weirded out. 

Why do I feel... calm?

I have been trying to figure out my own feelings, because I’m afraid if it’s just my brain’s way to defend myself from getting into an emotional breakout. I mean, I’d rather get ‘ugly’ now than immerse myself in dreadful revenge later. Yet I have come barely closest to the answer. 

I don’t know, well, I guess the recent event is somewhat a reminder to force me get back into journaling my thoughts here, maybe? Who knows?

Have a day.

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“I am a child with an old soul. I see magic in everything. But at the same time , everything tires me because I feel everything so very deeply.”

–Juansendizon

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㋡🥀

I love it because what I see makes me happy..

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Ma Xiaowei（马小伟 Chinese）

pen and watercolour   via    ins@maxiaowei_artist

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painted by; TF Simon, David Hettinger, Henry Mattise, Erin de Burca

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さくら

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The Shire

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— Frodo, The Shadow of the Past

Paintings by Alan Lee, Ted Nasmith, Weta Workshop, and Aza Mazieva

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(via)

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Lupa

Memang kalau ada ide yang tidak segera dituangkan, pasti ujung-ujungnya tidak sreg lagi buat menuliskannya. Moodnya sudah hilang dan biasanya malas untuk mengingat atau membangun suasananya kembali. Mungkin itu alasan kenapa banyak penulis yang kemana-mana selalu membawa alat tulis yang mudah dibawa; antisipasi menyalurkan inspirasi. 

Tadinya hari ini saya mau bahas tentang kalelawar yang saya temukan saat jalan pagi dan bagaimana hal itu membuat saya tertegun cukup lama karena hey, jarang melihat kalelawar terbang secara langsung di kota ini! Namun, saat sampai di rumah, saya melupakan itu semua dan baru ingat belum sempat membuat jurnal ketika sudah memasuki jam bekerja, alhasil saya tunda.

Cuman... yah... sekarang sudah nggak mood lagi. 

Ketika ada waktu luang tadi pun saya pakai untuk menggambar atau membaca cerita online. Benar-benar tidak terbersit rutinitas untuk menuangkan isi pikiran! 

Yah, sudahlah... Mungkin memang takdirnya saya hanya meracau tidak jelas untuk hari ini. 

Have a day.

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Midnight Prayer #9

Dear Lord,

I have just realized that as I'm getting older, I can't feel sadness the same as I used to.

I recall my youth was indeed full of pain and a lot of cries... there were so much pitch black and bloody red all over the places, as if I was covered in them. Sometimes, there were screams involved and I could feel how intense every sessions were. Most of the reasons why I have to let it out my system with bold highlights and paints on walls.

I do not feel as "extreme" now. Maybe it has something to do with age and Your decisions, but sadness now is a lot more like blue palette. It was not as overwhelming, but I can taste knives now every time I breathe. I can also hear my heavy breathe clearly. I feel my head is sinking in the raging waves.

It is indeed much more calm, but not necessarily better. Well, I no longer have to be so expressive with it like before...

Though, I wonder if it meant something else... like, am I getting good at lying? Or you know, my heart just goes completely numb?

I do not want that. I want to be more honest even in my lowest point with my ownself.

With You.

With the last night of Your Holy Month.

I want to be able to deliver my grieve in a better way, so that You know what is in my heart as real as it can be. I hope You listen to this one prayer too.

In the name of Allah, the most merciful and kind. May You bless us with forgiveness and peace here-after.