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Read Full Article Here: 8 Signs You’re a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) - Psych2Go

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Hooked. 😍

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Humid

Shortly after satisfying myself,

I realized I was sweating so bad.

Calmness then turned to discomfort,

Like humid has gotten its way to reign.

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Today, I have learned that I can satisfy myself... As much as others can. I think even better. I should've tried this before. I couldn't be dependent to someone's love if I've done this before.

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“I want to cry.” she said, “But there isn’t a single tear that runs out of my eyes. And I don’t even know what to call this feeling. It seems that my heart is hurting, and I just hold it and stare at it, until it breaks. I can’t even show how much pain I feel. It seems like I’m drowning even if I know how to swim.” she looked down, and continued, “Why? It is one of the saddest emotions that I’ve ever felt. And I want to cry this feeling so loud. I just wanted to let it all out.”

Bring Me Back My Tears // ma.c.a

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Tagaytay, Philippines.

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2018. The century is currently in its teen years. Which might explain why everyone is so edgy and sensitive about everything.

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Starting anew. Resetting my phone, removing social media apps (except for Tumblr), and later on I will start deleting photos and videos, too.

The past few months have been very toxic. I have tried to walk away from it, which only created more problems, conflicts, name it. I am so desperate to be okay, I am so desperate to escape from all this. But I have no direction at all. I can't plan. I can't do anything. I am stuck in this life. With these people. In this place. In this situation. How can I get out of it?

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“Yes, be patient with me. My heart is heavy.”

— Albert Camus

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I wasn’t scared to tell you I loved you. I was scared to hear you didn’t love me back.

-those confessions in may

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Tagaytay, 4th of June, 2018.

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“I like sleep. My life has a tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?”

— Ernest Hemingway

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My head is swirling after drinking whisky and beer, my eyes are swollen after crying my heart out, and I even managed to post one in Tumblr... And I have to attend a meeting tomorrow with my manager. I guess I can be called strong if I can appear at the meeting.

I blindly walked from Olivarez to Our Lady of Lourdes Church at around 2:45PM. I have no plans of dropping by that place because of the memories I had in it, but there I was, sitting on one side of the church, reminiscing how happy I was with him. I wanted to cry but no tears were falling. I asked God, why? What should I do? Where did I go wrong? What happened? What should I do? And I got nothing but complete silence. And after that, a miracle.

I watched Sid & Aya all by myself.

It was a good movie, though.

I would have to draft this for now. My head is seriously aching. 12:16AM

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Cigarette

I smoked. For the first time in my entire fucking life. The vendor even laughed at me for I do not know how to light a cigarette. He asked me, "you don't smoke, do you?" and I said I smoke. HAHAHA too embarassed to admit that I am a fucking ignorant. I even returned to the vendor because the cigarette butt won't put on. And for the fucking first time, I feel... Like a stupid girl trying to look cool. I just don't know how to do it. I tried to imitate how the others in the smoking area are doing it. I inhaled, I swallowed the smoke... Until the cigarette is out. As I was walking back to the office, I thought I will collapse. I felt nauseous, I felt like throwing up. Good thing I made it until the 2f, and feeling like I just can't walk anymore, I sat down on one of the couches outside, and felt. Fucked up. I guess I would have to do this again. I've read some articles and blogs on how it felt smoking for the first time, and I realized that these are pretty normal. But fuck it. I can't stand up now hahahaha. I was just worried if I smell. If the smoked is stinging in my clothes. But fuck this shit, huh? Hahaha.

(I'm still trembling as I create this post)

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Tiktok

I have just decided (finally) to install the Tiktok app on my phone because I need something to be busy with (aside from looking after my daughter) and I was hooked with Hashtags Zeus' and James' videos actually. 😂 I'll see if I can create a video today. I'd like to do the Akwaaba dance.

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3 O' Clock Thoughts

I've been awake even before my alarm rang. I really hate staying up late, but here I am, knowing I will regret it later but doing it anyway.

What really sucks when you stay up late is that your thoughts are much, much awake than you are. They begin to do throwbacks, back from the darkest pasts that you've had, to the saddest stories you've been in, to the craziest things you've done. It will not stop until you bleed. From all the pain, from all the sadness, from all the hatred. It will not stop until your pillow becomes wet from all the tears you've shed. It will not stop until you let out that sound you've been trying to swallow in, so no one knows what's going on.

I've tried telling anyone how I felt. Why I felt this way. But people care too much about themselves, they will not understand a word you say, especially if it's not about them.

I don't know how to end this, but as I glance to the window, realising the sun's coming up (and beatin' it because I'm up before it can/is), I understand that this will be another fucked up day in my already fucked up life. Would that make it any better?

Maybe better, if I could just have the courage to end it.

I know I need to go to work, but my body doesn't want to. It wants to go somewhere. Somewhere peaceful. Somewhere no one knows. I wonder.

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I think I am in a relationship with a mentally ill person. Syempre I have nothing against that. I, myself, have a certain mental illness. Pero he has signs of depression. And I am not ready for this situation. I am thinking maybe because ako mismo mentally struggling, that I feel I am incapable of helping out other people fight the battle. All I can do is cry, and conceal my fears with forms of nagging, irritations, aggressive behaviors, and such.

We had an argument last night, na wala na namang closure kasi nakatulog siya, and no one initiated to resume talking about today. Sabi niya, nahihirapan na daw siyang mag-open sakin. Nung una, hindi ko maintindihan saan siya nanggagaling. Then he told me, there was this time na he asked for my understanding nung araw na yun dahil he's not okay, pero I refused. Medyo naaalala ko yung araw na yun, na may issues din ako kaya I can't give him my full understanding of his situation. I said, "ayoko", and that made a big impact to him. Wrong choice of words, indeed, kasi hindi naman ako ganung klase ng tao na ayaw umintindi. I could've just told him, sorry but please give me time to compose myself para mas maintindihan kita, kasi may problema din ako. Damage has been done. Dahil daw sa akin, nasusuppress na yung emotions niya, parang lahat daw bawal na niyang maramdaman. I blame myself for not being able to explain myself to him. He always ask me, "hindi ba ako pwedeng magalit?", and I just answer, edi magalit ka. He would follow it up with, "oh tapos pano pag galit na ako?" and I would just tell him, edi galit ka. And ang intindi niya dun is, wala akong pakelam kung magalit siya, when I am actually lost pag galit na siya. I don't know what to do. I can't think clearly. I will just cry out of frustration. Ganun yung impact niya sakin. And I can't verbalize that enough to him for him to understand. I wanted to tell him, I always acknowledge his emotions. I am always lost when he's angry, when he's sick, when he's not okay. I don't know what to do.

I seriously don't know what to do now.