charlesiscoolerthanyou

[charlesiscoolerthanyou]

Your own path

You’re not living that life and you need to accept it!

Be excited for your own life. You can be!

Let the wind take you to your destination.

Mother natures wind not from some fan that let’s you to believe in lies.

Close your eyes and listen to what she whispers in your ear.

Her voice is calm and soft like the comforting touch of a loved one.

„It will all work out. You will find your path.“

It’s not a statement. An exclamation.

She’s not pushing you down with fury in her eyes, screaming in your face.

Listen to the warmth in her voice, she’s telling the truth. Something that could never leave your lips.

She gives you spring. Hope.

So believe her, feel her trust.

If you do, you will find out that longing for a life that is not yours won’t make you strive for happiness.

It crushes you. Leaving behind useless yearning.

You are such a wonderful, unique person with love in every vein of your body.

Don’t let that love go to waste by giving it all to a life in your head.

[charlesiscoolerthanyou]

Lovergirl

Every time I do something for the first time I expect to be perfect at it.

Every time I like someone I expect them to be the love of my life.

I do everything halfway, but pray to commit to it till the day I die.

My sister says my heart is too big.

Too much space for yearning, falling, doubting.

What does one do with a heart that’s beating louder than any rational thoughts?

I wouldn’t know.

I can’t stop my loving ways.

I think it is as much of a burden and a curse as it is a strength and a blessing.

And I do love my heart to death.

I can’t be thankful enough for it to be there hidden in my chest.

Yet sometimes I am so scared of my own heartbeat.

It makes me sick.

[charlesiscoolerthanyou]

My mother asked me to write something for her. She told me this on the phone after I told her about my daydreaming. So I wrote down the words that felt stuck in my throat while I wanted to say them. I promise that next time I write something for you it will be more cheerful. I swear that I actually can write happy thoughts. Anyway I used a line from a Tom Odell song, because I know how much you love him <3

„I am imagining how good it would be if you kissed me“

I sometimes fear that I dream too much. I always have been that kind of person prone to living in their head and although I do love it, I think I should live out of my head more. I have all these dreams and scenarios spinning around my mind tuning out any rational thoughts. Often they are so loud that I cling onto them, only listening to them. I hold onto them like a kid would onto their mothers hand and just like a mothers hand these thoughts give me happinesses and warmth. But when do I know if it’s too much? Maybe when dreaming is the one thing of the day I’m most excited about, when I can’t wait to finally fall asleep or maybe when I imagine people acting in a way they would never act.

I worry that if I keep on daydreaming I will end up heartbroken. How miserable is it to have your heart torn into pieces by your own two hands. I don’t think I could trust my hands enough to piece it together again. I just keep in hoping that those dreams will finally turn into my reality.

A reality which I don’t have to dissociate from to feel loving hands.

[charlesiscoolerthanyou]

.. ._.. _ _ _ …_ . _._ _ _ _ _ .._

I search for sings in everything.

Sings that could turn my life into a movie.

I search for 42 yellow cars or the letter S.

I search for a distant light flashing at me, three short one long, or that one specific song.

I search for a hand to hold.

For a welcoming smile.

For my bones to show.

A destination for my wandering heart.

So I sit infront of the ocean on a cold rock.

Listening to what the wind has to tell me.

Reading into anything that might be different than normal.

Different than what I see every day.

The things I can’t stand to see anymore.

Maybe the universe or God or anyone will give me those sings soon.

[charlesiscoolerthanyou]

I wrote this some time ago. After I watched videos of my siblings and I being very small and cute and silly. It made me sad. I want to be a kid again so badly. Especially now that I work with kids. They just live in their own world and it’s okay that they do. If I do that I miss everything important around me.

What do you do with nostalgia? Should I be sad or happy that I’m quite frankly a different person now? I don’t know…

Anyway here’s the text :)

I watched videos of my childhood

I don’t know if it’s just nostalgia talking, but I want nothing more than to be a kid again.

Back then you only cried because you fell or your parents told you off, back then you didn’t see the things keeping you alive as your enemy, back when others weren’t competition but Team players, back then death was something you didn’t even know the definition of.

I think it was somewhat of a mistake to watch those videos. Suddenly I’m aware of time moving, moving out of my sight.

Now I’m even more scared for what’s going to come. Who I’m going to loose.

I just need to accept that time has passed. I need to accept that the girl playing in the hallway or the girl dancing with her sister is now way taller. She can now set the shower head higher. And honestly that is all she ever wanted. To be able to stay up past twelve without being scared of being the last one awake, to buy the things she wanted, to kiss people on the mouth (and obviously marry them afterwards. That’s how that works!)

All she wanted was to grow up. That was the goal.

Weird how she now hates everything about it.

[charlesiscoolerthanyou]

Love, me

I think right now I can confidently say that I like myself. Not particularly the way I look or the way I eat, but the way I am.

I like my wit, my energy, my empathy and most of the time my thinking.

I know that some day I have to also like what’s on the outside, but don’t people always say it’s what’s on the inside that counts.

I like me. I like me very much. Other should do so too.

[charlesiscoolerthanyou]

The things I think about

Today I went on a walk all alone. To clear the fog in my head. At first it made me nervous.

What if I forget the way home?

What if I get hurt?

But when my eyes stretched upon the sea, turquoise water glimmering beneath my feet, all of the fog cleared and the what ifs felt silly.

After the fog was gone I walked back and as I passed other wandering people I didn’t stare at the ground, trying to avoid their eyes, instead I smiled at their kind faces. And looking back at them I realize they don’t seem like the killing type.

Then I stared at the hills beside me. I saw the small cars. They looked like ants. With every passing car I asked myself what they might be doing. What they look forward to. What their what ifs are and if they also feel like sometimes their head can be an old dark forest.

I already feel a bit different.

I should go on walks more often!

[charlesiscoolerthanyou]

Honey

My nose is running

My eyes are tearing

I feel like falling

Even though I’m standing

I can’t stop coughing

It hurts my throat

I eat pure honey

To make it go away

I know soon I will be me again

But right now being sick is all I feel

[charlesiscoolerthanyou]

Picking and choosing

Yesterday I had lentil soup for lunch.

It made me think of my father.

He would love it.

I imagine him calling me from downstairs asking if I want to have lunch with him and my mother.

He would probably ask me how my day at school was, even though I just graduated.

Then we would laugh and I would say

I’m an adult now!

Today I had spinach lasagne.

It made me think of my brother.

He would love it.

I wouldn’t.

I imagine him eating it with such joy

while a grimace sits on my face.

He would probably say

You have to like spinach!

You’re an adult now!

I wonder what I will have for lunch tomorrow.

[charlesiscoolerthanyou]

Missing Home

Since the day I came to life, living with my parents was all I knew. Since I was about six years old I decided sleeping anywhere else than in my bed, which was only ten steps away from my sisters arms, made my stomach fill with dread and my eyes with tears. Since the fourth grade leaving for any school trip left me wanting to call my parents for them to pick me up.

Now I’m three hours away from my mother and father and five hours from my siblings. In a few days I will be on the opposite side of the world. Then it would take them one day to just hold my hand.

It feels so weird knowing that right now they could drive here so easily. I call them every night crying about how much I miss them and how much I want them to come get me so I can hold them in my arms whenever I want to. I dream of somehow finding a way to not leave for a whole year. And even though everything in my body yearns for them to stop me from going away, I know that I have to leave.

In four days I will enter a plane then another and then another. I will leave Germany, my family, my friends, my old habits and everything I called my routine for majority of my life.

I don’t know how I will manage all my thoughts when I can’t even manage them in my mothers arms. But I know that this is the right decision for me to make.

They are the most important people in my life, but distance does not separate people from another. Silence does. And I will never ever keep them quiet!