chefbarry

[chefbarry]

The Foodie Files, The Final Chapter, Zucchini Bellpepper, Writer of Wrongdoing, Takes a Knee

My last case almost did me in. I was still having nightmares about it and my left big toe was broken for some reason I cannot recall. I don’t really want to get into it here, as I’m trying to move past it, or some other gobbledygook my therapist calls it, but it involved a large shipment of oysters that were way past their prime, the Reno chapter of the Chicago mob (more on that later), and an underage health inspector working his way through community college.

I’ve been thinking it’s time to retire, or whatever retired people do, when they go back into the workforce — run a sketchy private eye firm that moves offices every six months due to questionable arson and fake subpoenas and overdue bills that keep showing up in the mail — and then try to retire again. Take my gal, Raspberry Cardamom, on a long trip around southeast Asia, maybe even open up another office there in some old abandoned warehouse on the edge of sketch, but I’m digressing, and daydreaming again, or what my therapist calls, “dis-projecting”. My lady. She saves me from myself, I’m thrilled to know her — yet disturbed why she wants to hang with me — but I’m trying not to ask too many questions anymore.  

So, I had to move to Reno after the previous warehouse incident. I wasn’t even there at the time, but am being sued by my landlord now. I’m trying to work off the damages by helping his college dropout son get into the business. Another reason to skip town, more like skip country, close up shop, maybe write my memoirs, or at least eat a good taco. Plus, the Chicago mob has their eye on me for some reason. Maybe it’s that old hot dog case I never solved. I know it stirred things up back in the day when I was first getting gum on my shoe.

I had to leave before another fire broke out. My landlord would be happy to see me go anyway. There was a clause in the lease about maximum undesirables on the property in a given day, something my lawyer couldn’t even explain. I was packing up my things, and getting ready to seal the envelope with my office key, when they waltzed in. Three of them. Long multi-colored hair, nose rings, Crocs, and “the ‘tude”.

I said, “Sorry, I was just leaving, actually leaving for good, I don’t take any new appointments.  “Are you Zucchini Bell-something?”, one of the somber ones said. “Yes, I am”, I said, not bothering to correct her. “Who are you?” She spoke up, obviously taking the lead, “I’m Kite, these are my friends, Vikan and Paolo. We heard about you from Avocado Toast. She says you straightened things out for her, saved her from the paparazzi, and such.” Avocado used to be my secretary, and was best friends with Raspberry. If she recommended these stragglers, I could at least hear what they had to say.

The taller one, Vikan I think, spoke up. “We’re all from California, Orange County. Our parents all went to high school together, and we sort of all grew up together. Lately, we have been having some real problems with all the actors, musicians, fitness instructors, so-called nutrition experts, and models out there. We came here to get away, but we have to keep moving. We think they are following us. You’re our last hope, Zucchini!”

I sat down. “OK, what’s the problem?” I asked. Vikan continued, “So we all sort of are in this band, play small clubs from time to time, so a lot of people know us, but lately it’s been getting out of hand. After a set we get bombarded with crazed and scary-looking folks. They’re obviously not fans. They look hungry and angry.” “Describe them to me”, I said, getting intrigued. He said, “Well, they talk really fast, are not in the clubs to drink any alcohol, and don’t even snack on the free pretzels at the bar. They come over to us and start blaming us for waking up hungry, having nightmares, and one of them said on time, that she stared at her cats for too long one time, whatever that means.

“We’ve never seen these people before, and the celebrities started to have their people call our people, really our parents, to complain about something called self-cannibalism, cravings for Cuban food, and the boredom of lettuce wraps. We have no idea what they are talking about. We’re trying to put out some good music, and, sure we all eat at different restaurants, which we’ve always done, but...”

“Wait a minute!”, I said seeing where this was going, “I think I know what’s going on. Why don’t you all have a seat?” Paolo spoke up, “Do you really think you can help us? I mean, we have to get back to California, we have shows lined up, but are kind of scared to go back there.” I said, “Here’s what’s happening. I don’t think you know what kind of effect you have on the world at large.” Vikan got excited, “Do you mean our latest record? I know it’s just a demo, but wow!” “No”, I said, “This has nothing to do with music. It’s your names and what they are causing. Do you know why your parents gave you those names?” Paolo replied, “I mean they said they wanted to name us after something special that happened in their lives, but never really told us about it. They seem like normal names to us I guess.”

I went on, “You see there are these food fads that have been out for some time, and though they might help people at first, they aren’t sustainable, and can actually do some damage. Paolo, you were named after the Paleo Diet, which your parents probably were on at the time you were born. It’s very confusing, it’s supposed to mimic what humans ate during caveman times. It makes some good points about how agriculture wasn’t developed yet, and food was hunted and gathered for survival. But we have adapted since then, our digestive system has developed, our DNA has evolved, and there weren’t any food processors back then, so how did they make orange sesame sauce or zucchini noodles? Plus, there can be many vitamin deficiencies related to this diet, and high levels of saturated fat and protein, which can be toxic. Plus, I don’t trust any diets that say you can’t have hummus and pita chips.”

I turned to Kite next and said, “You have it a little harder, toots. Imagine being on a Paleo Diet, then being forced to live inside a garbage bag with no air circulation. You were named after the Keto Diet, sadly. This diet has everyone turning into zombies. It’s even more restrictive with higher levels of saturated fat and protein, and only the lowest-carbohydrate vegetables like lettuces, greens and broccoli. It forces your body to lose weight artificially from not only stored fat being used as fuel, but your body losing muscle and tissue mass as well. So, you think you are losing weight, but some of the weight is actually part of your body. After a couple weeks there could also be permanent liver and other organ damage. 

“A lot of these diets were created by “nutrition experts” that were trying to sell books and supplement programs, and not really concerned with an overall healthy lifestyle eating program. Plus, I don’t trust any diets that say you can’t have your morning oatmeal with blueberries, c’mon! I gotta keep regular ya know?!”

Vikan turned to me and said, “What about me, Zucchini? I mean my parents seem like they eat normally, we just don’t eat any meat or fish or seafood or turkey or dairy or eggs or anything fun. We seem to have a lot of potlucks, though, with foods that come in oval-shaped ceramic baking dishes. I love me a rockin’ scrambled tofu!”

I had texted my squeeze, Raspberry, after these scoundrels first walked in, and had her stand in line for a couple of hours at one of these joints that sells chicken sandwiches. I knew we’d be here awhile. I said to the group, “Well, certainly she was named after the Vegan Diet, which is virtually the opposite of both Paleo and Keto Diets, so I’m not sure how all your parents got along back in the day. While there is certainly nothing wrong with eating a mostly plant-based diet, with foods from every kingdom, including mushrooms, vegetables, fruits, legumes like lentils and peas, beans, sea vegetables, and whole grains, which I call “smart carbs”. These are slow-burning foods that don’t raise your blood sugar, and take a long time to digest, so your body uses the calories as fuel in a sensible and sustainable manner. 

“The problem is most people don’t eat all of these foods, or know where to buy them or how to cook them so that they taste really good. Plus, you have to eat complete proteins like quinoa, wild rice, and other grains mixed in with legumes, seeds, nuts, and beans to get a complete nutrition profile. Most vegans or vegetarians simply don’t eat any meat or other animal products, but are not necessarily making good food choices, like eating organic, local and sustainable whenever possible, or eating plant-based proteins, and a wide variety of foods.

I like to eat this way, but after a day’s work, I don’t have the time to cook for hours. I like to eat like a vegetarian, but with meat on top! And Raspberry, well, she tries, but we try to at least eat organic and so on. And... oh, look, here she is now!”

We were all starving at that point and dug into those controversial chicken sandwiches, even Vikan. I made a mental note to have a really good walnut salad for dinner. I looked around and thought, I know how we can get these kids back to California without anyone bothering them anymore. We made a plan. We called up all the agents and fitness instructors, and got them to agree to put these chicken sandwiches in everyone’s trailers, green rooms and lockers. This way, the aroma attacks them when they come back from training or performing, and they can’t resist. Afterwards, they’ll rethink their fad diets and come to their senses, fire their nutritionists, and even the vegans will have a cup of bone broth once in a while maybe.

I closed up the office for good this time for real. Said goodbye to our guests, and refused payment. I was good, clear-headed and ready for my next adventure. A couple days later I got a check in the mail from one of these chicken franchises thanking me for increasing their stock valuation. Raspberry and I took the money and, well, I can’t tell you where we’re going, because I think the nutritionists’ union is after me.

[chefbarry]

The Foodie Files, Chapter Two: The Misadventures of Zucchini Bellpepper, Righter of Wrongdoing, “Slappin’ Pappy in His Nappy”

I was relaxing on one of those oversized lounge chairs with the wide plastic bars that somehow get stuck in your undershorts every time you get up for another drink. I was on an unnamed island in the Caribbean (it actually has no name) drinking whiskey sours at ten in the morning, thinking about my future. I was in witness protection, of sorts—I mean the federal government had nothing to do with it—I just had a run-in with a bad seed from the neighborhood, too long of a story to tell here in my normal rantings. But anyways, it happened in the alley after hours. It was a case of he said, he cried, he fell, he sued, but I escaped just in time, and practically shut down the office. The federal government was after me for other things, which I can’t get into here, and they suggested I leave town for awhile anyway. My Uncle Vincenzo worked for one of their clandestine branches, and he said he’d try to sort things out.

Speaking of the office, well the burned-down-abandoned-warehouse-turned-trendy-lofts that burned down again, and was now abandoned, except for my office on the second floor rear, that surprisingly was still intact, (I had nothing to do with it!) burned down again, so I had to move this time for real. I found a back room in an old Danish factory, where my on-again-off-again girlfriend, Raspberry Cardamom, worked as a pastry girl. She used to tour with the Allman Brothers as their concierge/handler/caterer until one day she served an unripe fruit and stinky cheese Danish and was banished from the road. She was the youngest student to ever graduate from the Johnson and Wales Pastry and Pudding Academy in Bismarck, ND. I met her through mutual friends of mutual friends and she actually helped me solve a couple cases back in the day, when girls actually liked to be called dames, didn’t mind earning pennies on the dollah, wore a too-short skirt and knickers now and then, and enjoyed an occasional slap on the patootie, when they got out of line! I actually paid her wage and a half, respected her opinion on world events, and enjoyed her company quite a bit. We were taking a break, but I got a good deal on the Danish back office. It was close to the back alley where I could come and go when I pleased, and I had my own landline.

So, after I moved offices, I hired Avocado Toast to run things in my absence until I figured things out, and felt safe returning to the neighborhood. Raspberry and Avocado got on well, and became fast friends, and probably enjoyed me being out of town for the while. I was returning to my uncomfortable lounge chair with another drink when my phone rang. I didn’t answer and let it go to voicemail. I needed to think. That incident from the alley really got to me, I don’t like to fight and I don’t like confrontation too much. I like to solve puzzles in life. I like simple things like watchin’ the Lone Ranger TV show, baked beans from a can, and Saturday nights at the drive-in, when a dame would bring you a sody-pop and ask you questions while chewing gum.

My phone rang again, I pulled the plastic bar from my tush out, and readjusted myself to a sittin’ up position more or less. It was from my office landline, so I answered. Avocado sez to me, “Zucchini, you gotta come back! Things are getting out of hand here!” I was having Avocado handle the occasional walk in customer, someone who might need simple private detection services like finding a lost child at the mall or needing help writing a fake resume. She continued, “I know you said to not be disturbed, but I gotta disturbs you! It’s my friend, Kali. Kali Flower.” I sat up straight and tossed my drink, straightened my cap (that was made of recycled gumshoe) and put the phone on speaker. “Talk to me”, I said.

She went on for about fifteen minutes, and I gotta tell ya, the case was compelling. It seems that Kali, a friend of Avocado’s, was in deep trouble. They met at the local San Antonio AFTER chapter meeting a few months ago. AFTER was a national organization founded three years ago in southern California by a couple tech dropouts. It stood for Annoying Food Trends Eroding Restaurants. People like Avocado Toast, Kale Smoothie, Bone Broth, and Goji Berry felt at home here—no judgement, no questions, no paparazzi. They could speak their minds without feeling threatened by society at large, having to answer to the latest health craze, angry vegans, or inquiring sous chefs. Kali was the newest member, and boy did she have it bad.

She came from a long and rich family of brassicas, going back to the old country. People used to walk into an apartment building and know right away that someone was cooking cabbage on the top floor. The only excitement she ever got was a good steaming or a puree into a nice warming soup. The only other characters she ever encountered outside her sulfurous community was a shallot, maybe some cream, a little salt, maybe on a crazy weekend night, some white pepper or a green onion. No one sent her family any junk mail, they were respected members of the community, and lived quietly among all the normal guys at the farmer’s markets. Once in awhile she would go up on the speakeasy stage and do a little stand-up or spoken word, but life was pretty simple.

Now all hell was breaking loose at restaurants and country clubs across the globe. The chefs and food trenders were going nuts trying to turn everything cauliflower. Pizzas, buffalo tenders, steaks, risotto, purees, fake potatoes, flour, tortillas, you name it, any food out there was game. If you needed it, it became cauliflower. If you weren’t gluten-intolerant (don’t even get me started), well, the cauliflower craze was going to scare you into being. And Kali was furious. She couldn’t go anywhere anymore. The food bloggers alone were giving her grief. They asked about her quiet Eastern European family. “Hey, what about Kale Fritters? Or Cabbage Pizza? Have you heard they’re trying to come up with Broccoli Lasagna Noodles? Did you see what Romesco is up to? Did you see Brussels is hooking up with Bacon?! Hey, how ‘bout a little slow dance when you’re done shaving on salad?” It was meddlesome and preposterous. I had to get to the bottom of this.

I took the first direct flight from my unnamed island to New York. My uncle Vincenzo met me there, and had me sign some cryptic looking document that cleared my name and settled out of court with that lowlife from the alley. It seems I would owe them one day, but for now, I could return to San Antonio in peace. First, we had to meet with the Apple Butcher. He was in New York on business. There was a small hands food purveyors convention and he was the keynote speaker. We went to meet up with The Vegetable. The V, as he was known back in Romania, had a strange mafia-esque tone to his voice. When he spoke, it felt like you were in trouble, even when he said hello. He was a fixer back in the old country, and he happened to be visiting his nephew, who was actually my uncle Vincenzo, long story, don’t want to get into it. I talked him through my case and asked if he could help.

V said, “What we gotta do is this. First, we bring back the pasta. Pasta makes everyone feel better. No matter this gluten thing, what the hell?, we eat pasta, we drink wine, we smoke a cigar, then we go to sleep. That’s how we do it back at home, and no one tries to change.” I said, Uncle V, can I call you that?” “No, it’s just V, Zucchini!”, he said. “Ok, V”, I said, “But cauliflower is taking over every menu item, you can’t order a rice pilaf without the pesky waiter asking if you’d like cauliflower rice instead, it’s pretty annoying, I mean, what’s the big problem with rice?” The Vegetable stood back and thought for a moment and then whispered a few things in my ear so the cauliflower food truck vendor standing nearby wouldn’t hear us. I knew what I had to do.

I met the vegetable purveyors after the convention in their hotel and we made plans to spray all the cauliflower fields in North America with gluten. Slowly patrons of cauliflower delicacies would start to realize that cauliflower isn’t the answer to the world’s digestive problems, and that you might as well eat pasta. Maybe everyone would start bothering butternut squash and his family and give the brassicas a much-needed break. We might be seeing acorn squash dumpling dough, or butternut squash crackers soon. I decided to go to the next AFTER meeting to see if I could drum up any new business.

[chefbarry]

The Almost New Adventures of Zucchini Bellpepper, Righter of Wrongdoing, Volume 12—Tropical Madness

It was an unusually cold day in San Antonio, where I had recently moved my offices to kind of start over after a long journey through the Vietnam Wilderness. I had brought back some kind of stomach thing after eating what Andrew Zimmern calls on his show “Edible Spirits” during a ritual secret ceremony where only the town elders, a local fisherman, a visiting ex-caberet dancer from the 1960’s, mute orphaned triplets from Siberia, myself and my guide where allowed to participate. It had gone on long into the night and into the next morning, when I woke up with someone else’s underwear on my head, and my own missing, a fuzzy taste in my mouth, but my wallet and backpack intact. My guide was nowhere to be seen and I couldn’t pee. I couldn’t even stand. I think there was moonshine and karaoke involved and some kind of local delicacy that we all had to ingest for the ceremony. It was supposed to awaken the inner mind and free old inhibitions, but make you able to run an eight minute mile in seven minutes. Andrew tried it, why couldn’t I?

Anyway I was frowning in the mirror at my reflection, the worst was over, but still had some residual crampiness and discomfort. The pills my doctor gave me yesterday hadn’t kicked in yet, but I was hoping for a normal day of cleaning house, binge-watching the new “One Day at a Time” (I still had a childhood crush on Valerie Bertanelli, and just the thought of the show’s title gave me a warm feeling all over), and maybe going through some old files to maybe strike up some new business. Things have been slow since I moved here. I had to distance myself from my old life, old neighborhood and old habits. Word of mouth that a progressive-thinking private eye had moved into the abandoned warehouse district (that used to be trendy new lofts, until they burned down a year ago, and now back to being a ghost town, but the rent was cheap!) hadn’t taken off yet, so business was super slow.

I was taking out the trash to the dumpster, which was really a large plastic trash bag that the landlord would eventually pick up, when she stormed in. She was wearing a white pantsuit with a purple ascot, ruby red lipstick, and converse sneakers. She was loud to look at.  I said, “Hi, can I help you?” She replied breathlessly, “Are you Zucchini?” “Yes”, I replied, turning off the TV. “Please sit down anywhere.”

There really was nowhere to sit except my desk at the moment, as I was still unpacking, and had no furniture. She sat on my desk, took out a business card out of her purse, and said, “ my name’s Toast, Adriana Toast, and I got your name from the Apple Butcher in the Valley.” I lived in Los Angeles previously, and had gotten a lot of business through the Apple Butcher. “I’m traveling through Texas to visit my sister and thought I’d look you up. Ya see I got a real problem at home. It’s my daughter, Avocado.”

“Avocado?” I asked, “Is that a nickname?” “No, she replied, “It’s a family name. My husband’s uncle from Veracruz wuz named Avocado Tequila Manuel Dilacente, and he was very present at her birth. In fact, he was our doula, my birth coach, her godfather and overall midhusband, since his nephew, Mr. Toast, was out of town at the time.” “What’s a midhusband?” I asked, sensing I was talking to the matriarch of a family of gypsies. “It’s like a midwife”, she said, “but when it’s a guy.  He’s very artistic and where he comes from, he’s as popular as the local Pastor. Anyway, my daughter is only 16, but everywhere she goes, she get’s the paparazzi, folks hassling her, strangers asking for her autograph, boy’s making the eyes at her, and people just giving her free stuff all the time. She’s just a quiet sweet girl, and she just wants to have normal troubles, like algebra and pool parties, and such. She didn’t ask for any of this, but in LA, they serve Avocado Toast everywhere and it’s taking over our lives!”

I could understand this, as it was becoming a national fiasco, not just centered around southern California. Chefs everywhere were taking advantage of their patrons by tricking them into thinking that Avocado Toast was something special. A dish you couldn’t make at home in 60 seconds, something so falsely elevated you would order some just to see what the fuss was, and then after eating would be too embarrassed to say anything, so you would convince yourself you just had a complete meal, then go home and Instagram all your friends about it, thereby repeating the cycle. Since when did toast become a vehicle for anything? Toast is a side, an afterthought, a bread basket giveaway, something you might need if you were having a brothy soup. Avocados? Well they’re great, obviously, but so are tomatoes, mushrooms, goat cheese and hummus. Should we start making a thing out of hummus toast? What about chicken toast? How about grape jelly on Ritz crackers? Maybe start overcharging customers for a spoonful of peanut butter? I had to do something about this.

It was time to pay a visit to the Apple Butcher.  He was a large man with small hands, too small to work in a real butcher shop, so he specialized in the dissecting of fruit. The lines around his shop in south central LA were long; folks waited for hours to get his special blend of small cut fruit in large cups with a variety of syrups, condiments and secret delicacies. Celebrities sent their PA’s there to stand in the sweltering heat for a low cal lunch. He was an old friend from back in the days when liquor was cheap and the girls wore short pants. We used to pal around like war buddies, without ever spending any time in the military. He was a man who knew how to make things disappear.

I packed my duffle bag and dop kit and hit the road for reunion. Later that night I caught him taking out the last of his trash (he had a real dumpster) and getting ready to close shop. “Zucchini!”, he shouted when he saw me, “How long has it been?” I replied, “Too long my old scoundrel! I need your help with a case, that smokey joe dame ya sent to me, Adriana…it’s too much.” So I explained the dilemma and we went out for tacos. Small tacos.

The plan turned out to be simple. Since he was a fruitmonger, he had access to underground tropical shipping channels you only hear about in whispered mob tones. He had an old war buddy (don’t ask) that owed him a big favor. The Butcher was able to make a huge pineapple conspiracy disappear, before the government got wind of what was happening, and saved his buddy a ton of money in storage fees. He asked his buddy to drop a toxic gas from low-flying airplanes over the avocado orchards throughout central California. People on the ground would think it was weather control, and the government would be none the wiser. The avocados would fall off the trees and die, and the desperate restauranteurs would have to resort to using those large green Mexican avocados that no one likes. Everyone would eventually stop ordering avocado toast and they would go back to using them as an occasional salad topping next year, when the avocado toast craze was over. Maybe a new trend would take over like savory ice cream sandwiches (think red pepper and truffle ice cream in a rosemary walnut shortbread cookie).

I thanked my old friend and offered to pay him, but he refused, saying it was a pleasure and his business would somehow benefit from this too. I returned to my office and summoned Mrs. Toast. She came in the next day, paid my humble fee, plus a huge bonus, which allowed me to sort of decorate my office. I received a postcard a couple weeks later from the Toast family, Adriana, Avocado, the dad, Altamont, and the crazy uncle midhusband, also named Avocado. They were beside themselves with glee. They took a trip and no one seemed to bother them or ask them any questions. Another case closed! I went out for a well-deserved breakfast of chicken toast.

[chefbarry]

Vegan Zucchini Fritters

I made this the other night for a private family which has been requested over and over again as an appetizer for dinner parties. I serve it with a yogurt sauce made with capers, dill and lemon,but you can use a coconut or soy yogurt to keep the integrity of the dish vegan. Enjoy!

Vegan Zucchini and Green Onion Fritters

Ingredients:

4 Medium Zucchini

1 Tbsp. Sea Salt

¾ tsp. Black Pepper, freshly ground

½ cup Green Onions, finely minced

6  leaves of Green Kale, large stems removed

1 Tbsp. Fresh Oregano, minced

2 tsp. Fresh Rosemary, minced

6 Tbsp. Warm Filtered Water

2 Tbsp. Ground Chia Seeds

½ cup Potato or Tapioca Starch

Vegetable Oil for frying

  Directions:

Shred the Zucchini in Food Processer using the shredding disc. Place in a large bowl with a Tbsp. of Sea Salt, course is better, but fine works too, don’t worry most of the salt will drain out. Mix well using your hands and place grated Zucchini over a large strainer sitting over the bowl for 30 minutes. Press down on the Zucchini in the strainer with a large spatula then transfer to a tea towel and over the bowl or the sink twist the towel and squeeze several times to remove as much of the water as possible. You want to end up with dry shreds of Zucchini to keep the fritters crisp.

Meanwhile steam the Kale for five minutes, then allow to cool, squeeze the leaves to remove any excess liquid, and finely chop. Mix the Chia Seeds with the Water, this creates a Gel Egg that is Vegan, but if you prefer, you can substitute 2 large Eggs here. In a large bowl place the Gel Egg with the Green Onion, Herbs, Pepper and Kale.

When the Zucchini has been drained of its water, transfer to the bowl with the remaining ingredients, being careful to add the Potato Starch last. Mix well and refrigerate for two hours. Then form into small patties, about the size of a meatball. Heat a large skillet with Vegetable Oil, enough to more than just coat the bottom of the skillet, about 1/3 cup or so. When the oil is hot enough place about eight or nine of the patties in the pan being careful not to touch each other.

Fry for about four minutes on each side, checking to make sure they are not burning. You want them to brown not blacken. Repeat with the remaining patties. You should end up with about 20-25, depending on how you form them. You can also press down on them a little bit while they are frying to cook them all the way through faster.

Serve immediately or keep in a 200 degree oven. These make great appetizers. I serve them with a yogurt sauce (you can use coconut or soy yogurt to keep the vegan integrity) with a little minced dill, lemon juice, salt and pepper and some chopped capers. Delicious!

[chefbarry]

The Foodie Files, Zucchini Bellpepper, Private Eye takes the case and gets some sleep, episode 1

Zucchini Bellpepper was cleaning up his office again after a last minute party crash at his new digs. His last office was ransacked by a bunch of vigilant vegan protesters after a bad tip they got at PeaceNut Headquarters stating that there was a bunch of nogoodniks sneaking around the docks and planting marinated Seitan C4 explosives on the newly arrived containers of beaks, lips, hoofs, feathers and radiated beaver glands destined for the local Hot Dog processing plant. According to a tip from an inebriated crossdresser at the track, Zucchini was working the case.

Quoting Jim Zamboni, head of PeaceNut, “Look we’re all for distancing ourselves from the hotdog––we don’t even want to tell you what’s in the SmartDog. But look, we can’t have our Seitan get any bad press, we need to lobby Capitol Hill for more Seitan legislature, and while Michelle’s still in office.”

Zucchini was fed up with the quality of the case loads lately, and wanted a fresh start. His new office was behind a used gasoline container store behind another paper shredding machine recycling center, where laid off corporate execs could come and turn their old shredders in for aluminum cans or something like that. His college buddies dropped by unexpectedly last night with Sangria, Crab Rangoons, and topless dancers and there was no way out…I mean how do you turn down a Crab Rangoon?

As Zucchini was taking out the trash and trying to open the door with his foot, she waltzed in. She was all shoe. Sandal straps everywhere, and a see through winter sock. “Mr. Bellpepper, I heard you waz the best, ya gotta help me!”, she said. Zucchini looked her over, put the trash down and said, “Have a seat, can I get you some cold water? And please call me Zucchini, we’re all friends here!” She replied, “Sure, sure Mr., I mean Zucchini, that would be great.” And then she told me her story.

A few months ago the letters started arriving, first one week at a time, then every day, except Mondays. Each letter got more and more threatening, first just asking for some family recipes, then wanting her favorite spatula, and finally culminating in a violent request demanding her heirloom tomato seeds. You see, she was a foodie, and there was no sanctuary for her anywhere anymore, not even her own home.

Everywhere she went she was hounded by grandmothers wanting to squeeze her cheeks and slip an Apple Pie recipe down her tennis skort. Newspaper reporters dying for a scoop hid behind her building until she departed for the farmer’s market, wanting to know what was on the menu for this evening? Was she hosting a pop up dinner? A chef’s table? Workin’ a food truck? Reinventing the Banh Mi again? Entering the Sutter Home Burger sweepstakes? Was she a Mystery Diner? Was she going Gluten-free? Something was certainly happening and it was news. If she went to the apple butcher, or the napkin outlet on the way home from work (she sold shoes by the seashore), it was going to involve a camera in her face, a nosy young features editor, or Guy Fieri questioning her culinary motives, or perhaps Bobby Flay challenging her to a throwdown.

“Zucchini I just want to relax when I get home, I don’t need the press, my shoe business is going well, and I don’t want to be published. Can’t I just make a nice Pecan-crusted Snapper over some Lemongrass Butter Beans without the world wanting in? It’s just good food, nutrition, real food I am making, and sometimes I throw some mint in my ice cube trays, why is it anyone’s business? Is the world so interested in what other people are eating that they have to feed themselves with flashy jargon and cheffy sensationalism that by the time they are finished gabbing about it––it’s way after dinner time and they wind up eating a bowl of cereal anyway? You’ve got to stop this hounding, I’m just a simple girl with big shoes and a ravenous appetite.”

Zucchini thought about it a long time, he even have dozed off a little, because when he woke up she was gone. He took out the trash finished cleaning up the new office. And he took a good look at the letters. There was something fishy about them, he couldn’t put his finger on it, but the wheels were turning. They must be hand delivered by someone local, as there were no stamps, and no Monday delivery, that must mean something. Hmmmm.

Zucchini thought long and hard the next morning, after a simple breakfast of chopped salmon skin salad with truffle dressing and port wine infused goji berry scones. Hey he was just as much a foodie as the next guy and breakfast is the time to indulge. Something was fishy here with the letters and Ms. Shoe, what was her name again, so distracting with the party and the move, maybe it was time to take a vacation…

He called the local newspaper where he still had some friends he hadn’t burned yet. He got the features department intern on the phone––he could just hear the pimples through the receiver. “Oh hiya Mr. Bellpepper, it’s quite an honor,” he squeaked, “Mr. Bass isn’t here right now, he always crawls the seafood markets on Mondays.”

Lake Bass was known for his palate, and his frugalness. He would go to the finest restaurants to write that review, knowing the meal would most certainly be on the house. But on Mondays, he was sometimes spotted carousing around the backdoors of the town’s best seafood joints looking for a handout of anything leftover from the weekend. No one orders fish on Monday, not here in the big city, where the fish and seafood come in on Saturday and not again until Tuesday, it’s a known fact.

So Lake was out on Mondays and the letters don’t arrive on Mondays, and he is a food columnist at heart, that’s gotta be our man, thought Zucchini. He gathered together a late night meeting at his new office all cleaned up now and ready for business. Lake Bass, the intern, his college friends, the topless dancer for good measure, and boy was she, and Ms. Shoe, or whatever her name was. He told his story with conviction and suspicion, and everyone had a good laugh––even Bass and Shoe seemed to hit it off.

He decided to take the rest of night off, leaving his friends behind to socialize––there was a new Iron Chef on TV he didn’t want to miss, and a new Pizza place serving crustless Pizza he heard was good.

[chefbarry]

The Adventures of Zucchini Bellpepper, Private Investigator, Righter of Wrongdoing, Culinary Attache Part III—Spheres of Joy

It all started one late afternoon, while readin’ the funnies in my lazy chair. I had just gotten off a case involving overnight oatmeal, and whether it should bother bringing a small knapsack along. I just moved into a new office in the vegetable-packing district, in a knish factory. I was on the second floor where it smelled a little like chopped liver, but I was getting a good rate, when she walked in.

She was short, round, a little meaty, but in a svelte sort of way, big cloggy sandals that made this chewing gum popping sound when she walked. I was just finishing up a good Nancy and Sluggo fest, when she extended her hand and gave me her card. Hi, I’m Mary. Mary Marinara from the CSS. Her card read President, Culinary Sphere Society. You come highly recommended, and we’re in big trouble down at the CSS. 

What seems to be the problem? I said, folding up the funnies, and pouring her a cup of coffee. Well, we’re sort of involved in a global media problem. It’s the ball. We can’t get any work done, pass any new laws, sample out trays at a movie opening, without some wisecracker making a joke about the ball. Ball? I said, What kind of ball? You know the meatball, the fishball, the matzoball, the chicken nugget, even a slightly rounded potato pancake can’t make it onto a plate or menu, without a snicker. Times are tough, and we gotta keep making everything into balls to keep our costs down. It’s the fillers, ya know, and everyone thinks he’s an original when he says, I didn’t even know fish had…

OK, I get it, I said, I think I know what’s going on. Your company needs a marketing campaign, some good publicity, we have to change its image, dress it up, make it work! First I have to do a little research as to where the ball came from, how it got its shape, its name, worldwide appeal.

Let me tell ya a little history lesson, boychick! It all resulted from way back in the Roman times, ya know, when they had that grape shortage? Anyways, there was chaos and conundrum in those bath houses, ‘cause those ladies in the togas had to dangle a fruity substitute over the bathing emperors and tax collectors, and what have you, just to keep the peace. So they carved balls out of melons and then Cassius Clay invented proscuitto, and the melon ball was born. 

Wait a minute Mary, said Zucchini, I think you might have your facts mixed up. There was no grape shortage and those ladies weren’t exactly ladies. The fruity substitute wasn’t actually any kind of fruit, and I don’t think they even took baths in those houses. What I think happened is when Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt and they were in kind of hurry to get to the Promised Land, they didn’t have enough time for their meatloaf to rise, so they made their mixture into little balls, added some matzo meal, and carried it on their backs in the hot sun. When it was time to camp for the night, they all had a feast and the meatball was born. 

Mary replied, well, whatever the case, Zucchini, the ball needs your help—a turn-around in the double entendre that’s been going on for centuries. The ball needs a makeover—can you do it? 

I thought for awhile, my mind going back to Olive Oil and Bluto making a joke when it hit me. I know, we’ll launch a campaign of new recipes featuring new ways to shape your meat filling into cylinders or triangles, and vegetarian versions as well. And when someone does make a spherical treat, we’ll send bicycle messengers around to all the ritzy parties, newspapers and magazines, and the train station with free samples, and we’ll fine anyone that makes a joke with long hours of community service or having to clean the knish factory. And we’ll call them dots! Or cakes, or babies, or something like that. What do you think, Mary?

Zucchini, you’re a genius! I knew you could help the CSS! Now what can you do about the Donut?

Now here’s a tasty vegan recipe I developed when I had too many cooked grains and wanted to make a snack. 

Multi-grain Spinach Balls

Ingredients:

3 ½ cups cooked grains (Sweet Brown Rice, Quinoa, Millet, or any combination)

½ cup Oat Bran

¼ cup Ground Chia or Flax Seeds

3 Tbsp. Nutritional Yeast

2 Tbsp. White Miso

1 cup Yellow Onion, medium dice

¾ cup Red Bell Pepper, medium dice

¾ cup Celery, small dice

8 oz. Cremini Mushrooms, sliced

¾ tsp. Sea Salt

½ tsp. freshly ground White or Black Pepper

½ tsp. freshly grated Nutmeg (optional)

4 cloves Garlic, chopped

3 Tbsp. Olive Oil, plus extra for baking

1 ½ 12 oz. bags frozen spinach (18 oz. total)

¾ tsp. Sherry Vinegar

1 cup chopped Walnuts

Directions:

Thaw out the spinach in the refrigerator in a large bowl the night before and drain well, squeezing out any extra liquid. If using straight from the freezer, you can add it to the sauté pan after you sauté the vegetables just to warm it through, then drain well.

In a large sauté pan over medium high heat, add the Oil with the Salt and Pepper, coating the pan, heat for 30 seconds, then add the Onions, Celery, Peppers and Garlic, and sauté for about eight minutes until the onions are translucent. Then add the mushrooms, vinegar and nutmeg, and continue cooking until the mushrooms have released some of their liquid, but are still firm. Allow to cool a bit.

Place the cooked grains, drained spinach, yeast, miso and the cooked vegetables in a food processor, you may have to do this in two stages. Pulse in the chopped nuts, the chia seeds and oat bran, and transfer to a large mixing bowl. Fold together with a large spatula until all ingredients are well incorporated. Refrigerate for two hours or overnight. 

Preheat an oven to 375. Take a large baking sheet and line with parchment paper or a silpat. In a large mixing bowl add some all purpose flour, about ½ cup or so and make medium-size balls with the mixture in your hands and toss gently in the flour to lightly coat. Place all your floured balls onto the sheet pan without them touching. Drizzle some Olive Oil onto each ball with your finger over the spout of the Oil bottle. Bake for 20 minutes then flip each ball with a spatula and bake for another 20 minutes. They should be crispy on the outside and soft on the inside. Enjoy as a snack as is, or bake in a casserole dish with some marinara sauce, and top with Parmesan or Asiago Cheese for a vegetarian meal.

[chefbarry]

How to be a Meat-eating Vegetarian (and look good doing it!)

I was a strict Vegetarian and Vegan for over seven years and boy was I hungry! I don’t mean I didn’t have enough food on my plate or enough choices, I was just always hungry—I stayed up way too late playing music, worked during the day delivering juices and lunches around to fabulous hairstylists and sedentary office workers in Atlanta, Buckhead, and the suburbs—and was always busy and hungry.

I decided to become a vegetarian because I had wanted to eat a cleaner and more healthful diet and know where my food came from and all that propaganda. I bought into the myth, I was now “in the know”, and my weight and cholesterol levels were better, and I became one of those people that thought everyone else just didn’t get it. I became judgmental, pious and walked around in a semi-lucid dream state most of the time.

I did however delve into studying food and nutrition and taught myself how to cook everything I could think of from scratch, made tremendous mistakes, and got back on the horse (made out of carrot sticks). I read every book on natural foods cooking, macrobiotics, Mediterranean and Japanese cooking techniques, health, spirituality—hey, I was in my twenties and realized after college that I really wanted to learn something and choose my own course of study without having to take a test.

So I became a very devoted and somewhat knowledgeable Vegetarian and Vegan Cook, then a Sous Chef in an Organic Vegetarian Café, then became a Personal Chef when someone asked me to cook for them—I fell in love with personal and private cooking, that I started my own business and started developing menus and recipes for my clients.

I realized that for myself and my clients that you had to offer protein in almost every dish. In the vegetable kingdom there are numerous choices, you just have to work harder to make them tasty and attractive. Sure you can grill a Portobello Mushroom and stuff it with other vegetables, bread crumbs and cheeses, to give that entrée feeling, but you still have to supplement with ingredients like nuts, seeds, nutritional yeast (high in B Vitamins), wild mushrooms like shiitake and maiitake (contain B-12), soy products (in moderation), vitamin and mineral supplements, green vegetables (protein and vitamin-rich), and so on. Just to replace that juicy grilled steak.

Let’s back up. I am not saying that if you take a basic vegetarian diet and add a steak on top then all your problems are solved. Most vegetarians and meat-eaters make so many mistakes that by adding a scallop to one or a kale to another is not the fix. I have known vegetarians that live on potato chips, twinkies, refined fruit juice, bread, cheese, cereal, and the occasional salad. One might become a vegetarian by giving up meat for any number of reasons without actually improving their already unbalanced diet. The meat in the bad diet didn’t actually make the diet any better or worse. On the other hand you have the standard American diet which is meat and potatoes or some starch, a tiny amount of overcooked vegetable and a salad made with iceberg lettuce and a sugar-rich processed salad dressing. Nothing made from scratch really, just thrown together in probably old or rancid processed vegetable oil, or microwaved. No super foods, no vitamins, no real food.

Regardless of your diet it is probably a good idea to supplement with good quality food-based vitamins and minerals, drink filtered water and limit sugar and bad fats.

There is a thought in making a gourmet vegan or vegetarian plate that if you stack up enough grilled vegetables on top of a polenta or risotto cake, and serve a microgreen salad with pomegranate dressing and crumbled goats milk feta that you have solved the world’s problems once and for all and have finally replaced the Tandoori Chicken.

Actually both meals sound really good to me, and I think you can enjoy and benefit from both. The trick is to have variety and make good solid choices at the market. If you are a vegetarian, eat a variety of vegetables of every color, some raw, some cooked, make salad dressings from scratch, enjoy low-fat dairy products like raw milk cheeses, aged cheeses, Greek yogurt, and goats milk or cheese. Use all kinds of nuts and seeds, berries, unsweetened chocolate, teas, vegetable juices, broths, and good fats like avocados, coconut oil, olive oil, any nut oil, and lots of citrus and vinegar to make everything taste good.

If you are a meat eater or seafood eater, do the same as above. It is so important to eat a mostly plant-based diet, but to do it with elegance and knowledge. Spend more money on organic produce when it makes sense, buy vegetables in season, buy locally grown produce, eat lots of greens, juice vegetables, and enjoy making vegetables with lots of herbs, seasonings, broths, oils, and garlic, but don’t overcook them. When you choose meat products, buy leaner cuts like chicken breast and sirloin or New York Strip, any fish or seafood you like, and sustainable, organic, hormone-free, grass-fed, and other eco-friendly choices make your body’s DNA reproduce itself more efficiently.

I started to eat some meat after seven years of piety, when I had recurring dreams about lamb and actually tasting it in my sleep. I listened to my body and started to eat some meat and decided to always make smart choices for myself and my clients. I continuously eat a predominately vegan diet with meat on top. I limit my dairy intake, sugar intake, and don’t count calories or limit good fats. I eat a lot of raw food, and it could be several days in a row that I don’t have any animal protein except for a couple eggs. Then I’ll have the scrap of turkey breast on my son’s plate that he left and put in on my 15 vegetable salad that could last me a trip to Mars. My prediction for the next dietary fad: you can only eat what you can draw with a green crayon with one eye closed.   Chef Barry Kraemer, Miami Beach, 27 June 2013

[chefbarry]

The Fable of the Three Sauces

One day I was glazing a salmon with a chili and garlic sauce, by that I mean pan searing the top in skillet on the stove then turning it over, shutting off the heat then brushing the tops of each filet with a thick, red and sweet sauce that would thicken up while under the broiler. My brother-in-law, Jesse, who owns Ten, a neighborhood bistro, was over and said this sauce would make a great flavor base for a pasta dish, kind of like a Buerre Blanc sauce. So I said it would be good and a little healthier if we added some orange to bring all the flavors together. So I made the dish and he featured it on the menu a week later for a night.

I have made the finished dish, which is Sweet Chili-glazed Salmon with Julienned Stir-Fry Vegetables over Udon Noodles in an Orange-Chili Buerre Blanc Sauce for my private client and his family several times to accolades, and am including the process here. It is a labor of love to make three different sauces, but each one has many uses, so I hope you will enjoy each one’s benefits and flavor!

First I make a Chili-Garlic Sauce, which can be used in dishes where you need a concentrated flavor from a paste, need a chili profile, but not too much heat. Think Hot and Sour Soup, Roasted Tomato Salsa, or Ranchero Sauce (which is like a Latin Marinara). You can add this Chili-Garlic Sauce to your soup or sauce as it is simmering. This will add the flavor you need from the chilis and garlic, that you wouldn’t get from using them at the beginning of cooking the dish.

As a sauce simmers or a soup broth cooks, the flavors mellow and combine with the other ingredients that help build your individual cooking style. Adding a sauce like this Chili-Garlic Sauce adds a bold flavor back into the dish towards the end of cooking. However, if you are like me, I just like to spoon some of the Chili-Garlic Sauce on to my scrambled eggs or burgers!

Chili-Garlic Sauce

 Ingredients: 

1/3 cup dried chopped chilis (New Mexico, Ancho, Pasilla, Arbol or combination)

1 T coconut or grape seed oil

½ cup + 1 Tbsp. natural sugar

½ cup red wine vinegar

1 tsp. sea salt

5 cloves garlic

½ cup boiling water

¼ cup chili soaking water

Directions:

Fry the dried chilis in a cast iron skillet with the oil for two minutes on each side on a medium heat. Then reconstitute the dried whole chilis in the boiling water and let sit for 15 minutes until softened. Carefully remove all the seeds and stems and discard and save the soaking water. Chop the chilis and measure out 1/3 cup for this recipe. If there are extra chopped chilis, save them for another use, such as in a salsa, soup or curry paste. They will freeze very well for many months. 

Strain the soaking water and reserve. In a small blender place the chilis, garlic, sugar, salt and vinegar and puree until smooth. Add ¼ cup of the reserved chili water to thin. You can use the remaining chili soaking water in a soup broth or for cooking beans, it won’t add that much heat. This sauce will keep refrigerated for two months and freezes very well.      Yields approx. 1 ½ cups. 

Now that you have the Chili-Garlic Sauce, which is the base of the next sauce, we will go ahead and make this very versatile sauce. This recipe is similar to the “Duck Sauce” you would get on the side or in to go packets from your neighborhood Chinese Take-out. I added ginger to make it a more balanced and flavorful sauce, but you can leave the ginger out to make it taste more like a “Duck Sauce”. This quick and easy sauce has a nice balance of spice and sweetness and can be used in many recipes, not just those with an Asian profile.

Try also using this sauce as a finishing sauce on grilled fish or chicken, or as a dipping sauce for egg rolls, sushi or pot stickers. Alternatively, use it as part of a braising liquid for tempeh, duck or turkey breast by adding it to chicken or vegetable broth, with some white wine or sake.

* Note about Agave Nectar—This syrup comes in light and dark varieties and I use both for different applications. Agave is a low-glycemic alternative to honey or sugar cane, and has a wonderful neutral flavor. 

Sweet Chili-Garlic “Duck” and Glazing Sauce                              

Ingredients:

3 Tbsp. sake

1 heaping Tbsp. garlic or shallot, minced

1 ½ Tbsp. ginger, grated

1 ½ tsp. orange zest

3 Tbsp. Chili-Garlic Sauce

1/3 cup + 3 Tbsp. filtered water

½ cup   agave nectar, light

½ cup + 1 Tbsp. rice vinegar

1 ½ Tbsp. corn starch or arrowroot 

Directions:

Cook the sake with the garlic and ginger on medium heat for five minutes in a small sauce pan, then add the chili-garlic sauce, orange zest, 1/3 cup of the water, the agave and rice vinegar and continue cooking another 4 minutes;

In a small bowl whisk together the 3 Tbsp. of the water with the cornstarch to make a slurry. Turn the heat in the sauce pot to medium high to reach a boil, then take the slurry and add to boiling liquid. Whisk sauce and cook for 30 seconds. Turn off heat and transfer the sauce to a bowl and let it rest for 15 minutes before serving as a dipping sauce, or refrigerate for a later use.    Yields approx. 2 cups.  

Now you have two very versatile sauces. Next we are going to transform the Duck Sauce into the finished sauce for the dish. This is like a real Buerre Blanc sauce with less saturated fat, and the addition of citrus, chili and ginger. It would be great on top of brown rice, or possibly on top of a turkey meatloaf! 

Chili-Orange Buerre Blanc Sauce                                            

Ingredients:

6 Tbsp. shallots, minced

½ cup   olive oil

1 ½ tsp. sea salt

½ tsp.   ground black pepper

2 tsp. dried chili flakes (optional)

1 cup orange juice

1 ¼ cups white wine

1 cup Sweet Chili-Garlic “Duck” and Glazing Sauce

4 Tbsp. unsalted butter

4 Tbsp. toasted sesame seeds

Directions:

Heat the olive oil and shallots in a large sauté pan on medium heat and sauté for four minutes, until the shallots start to brown, then add the salt, pepper, chili flakes (if using), orange juice and white wine. Once the sauce reaches a low boil, turn down the heat to simmer and reduce for five minutes. Add in the chili-garlic duck and glazing sauce, butter and sesame seeds and cook for one minute more. Turn off the heat and reserve until ready to toss with your noodles (udon or linguini) and sauteed vegetables.

Now I simply cook udon noodles, drain them and toss them with enough of this final sauce to coat evenly. I also like to heat a wok on high heat and stir fry julienned (cut into thick matchstick size pieces) vegetables like red cabbage, red or green onion, shiitake mushroom, bell pepper of any color, carrot and celery. I cook these in a little peanut or sesame oil, and a little sherry and soy sauce,  just enough to coat them while cooking. After a couple minutes on high heat the vegetables are crisp. Transfer them into a large mixing bowl and coat them evenly with the Chili-Orange Buerre Blanc Sauce. Reserve both the pasta and veggies.

I broil some salmon after pan-searing each filet in a cast iron skillet with a little salt and pepper and a touch of peanut oil—top side only. Flip over each filet and brush with the Sweet Chili-Garlic “Duck” and Glazing Sauce and broil for four minutes. The sauce will thicken on top of the filets so you can be generous. Remove the pan from the oven and brush each filet again with more of the Duck Sauce. Seve each plate with some of the udon noodles top with a filet of salmon and serve the veggies alongside. You can sprinkle some toasted sesame seeds over the whole plate if you wish.

Best of luck with trying any of these sauces, and I believe that this entry will be my most complicated sauce combination recipe. I will be making more entries  and welcome your suggestions or requests!

All the best, Chef Barry Kraemer

[chefbarry]

Gluten-free "Breaded Halibut" with Herb-Pepito Crust

I am now cooking in an area where I am staring at water a good part of the day—so naturally I start thinking about new ways to cook fish. I recently interviewed with a client in Palm Beach for a private chef position and they are gluten-free.

I always think it is nice to present a fish dish for the first time to a new client with either a composed sauce like a salsa, chutney or relish, or perhaps some kind of breading or coating, as it keeps the fish very moist inside and adds a lovely texture.

So when faced with a gluten-free dietary restriction I needed to come up with an idea that would work, look appetizing and taste great! So I took raw pumpkin seeds (also known as pepitos), and blended them in the food processor with some fresh herbs—cilantro, basil and parsley, along with a touch of olive oil, salt, black pepper and that’s it.

Blending it until it was a thick paste, kind of like a pesto, but with only enough oil to stick everything together, and no cheese or garlic. Since the herbs and pumpkin seeds are raw, when they cook in a skillet they brown nicely and take on a toasted flavor that pairs with the fish very well.

I used a thick piece of halibut and first seasoned both sides with a little salt and white pepper, then brushed on a think layer of Dijon mustard mixed with prepared Wasabi. This helps the fish stick to the “breading” much like an egg would. It also adds just a touch of tanginess and a little spice, which is good since there is no acid in the sauce, such as lemon juice.

I press on the pumpkin seed-herb paste to each side of each fish filet and then put it on a plate lined with parchment paper and refrigerate for at least an hour. This allows all the flavors to absorb into the fish a little and helps to stick it together more when cooking. Then I heat up a non-stick ceramic skillet with a little olive oil and butter, and cook the filets on each side for about three minutes on medium high heat. Then I let it sit in the oven for about five minutes more, depending on how thick the fish is. Then I make a quick pan sauce with shallots, butter, white wine, and a little mustard and lemon juice and white pepper to spoon over each fish filet—not at all needed since the breading has so much flavor!

I serve it with sauteed green beans or asparagus and wild rice pilaf or roasted potatoes. This is a gluten-free meal that is healthy, packed with good Omega 3 fatty acids great for any dinner party. Enjoy! Chef Barry—Palm Beach, Florida

[chefbarry]

Deconstructed Greek Salad

I love Greek Salads! They are so satisfying that I eat them as a main course some of the time. My version has a Greek Lemon-Oregano Vinaigrette that I serve on the side so my client can drizzle as little or as much as he likes on the varietal plate of Cucumber, Tomato, Kalamata Olives, Peperocini, Bell Peppers, Feta (sheep's milk from Bulgaria is my favorite and very briny and salty), Pickled Onion, and Radish. I also serve a bowl of mixed greens, usually Romaine, Radicchio and sometimes Arugula or Spinach, but you can just serve Romaine or Green Leaf Lettuce. You could also make an entree out of it with some grilled Halibut or Salmon.

Here is my recipe for the dressing, which I blend together after marinating for 30 minutes in a small food processor (I use the Magic Bullet):

1 ½ tsp. Garlic, minced

2 ½ tsp. Shallot, minced

¼ cup Parsley, chopped, packed tightly

2 Tbsp. fresh Oregano, chopped

¼ cup Lemon Juice

½ tsp. Sea Salt

¼ tsp. ground Black Pepper

1 tsp. Dijon Mustard

½ cup Olive Oil

Mix the Garlic, Shallots, Salt, Pepper and Lemon Juice in a small bowl and whisk. Let sit for 30 minutes to allow all the flavors to incorporate. Transfer to a small food processor, and add the remaining ingredients. Chill and use for a Greek Salad or to marinate and broil fish. It will keep in the refrigerator for up to two weeks.

Enjoy and Go Greek!

[chefbarry]

The Adventures of Zucchini Bellpepper, Episode Two: Oil on Acid

She walked into my office, an old pickle warehouse, the second floor all the way in the back, a place where time forgot...an 8-track player on my desk, a box of Bubble Yum, and a strobe light on the wall flickering on a blacklight Jimi Hendrix profile. "Hi Mr. Bellpepper, my name is Mayonaisse, I'm in real trouble ya see, and you're the only one who can help!"

  She had on a cute lid, I don't mean a hat, she actually had a lid on, she's a jar, you know?

  "I don't know what to do, I keep getting these strange phone messages from these spicy characters I've never met, Curry, Ginger, Chipotle, and someone named Aioli keeps calling and hanging up on me, I've never been so scared in my life!" I said, "Calm down a bit and lay down on this old couch." "It looks like a loaf of bread!", she said. "Yeah, well everything here is from a thrift shop, just make yerself comfortable"

  "Zucchini ya gotta help me, I don't know what to do, I used to have a simple life, I lived on a shelf in the refrigerator, and made a life there for my sons, Relish and Grape Jam, no one ever bothered us, just used us--as is--with no fuss! Now everything is different--People Magazine and Bon Appetit are trying to interview me..ya know, we're simple folk, born in the south and only came up to the city for a better life."

  "Anyway, ya see, I used to be a shy girl, no one really paid any attention to me, 'cept when it was time for lunch. I'd see the same characters day in and day out--Bread, Cheese, Turkey, Tomato, Lettuce, and on Friday nights maybe some fish, I used to get tickled when I got spread on a piece of Flounder and set to broil, it changed me, kind of like a psychedelic experience."

  "OK", I said, "I see what's going on here, let me take a moment to discuss your personal history:"

  Mayonaisse was always a staple ingredient--a go to food whenever you needed a little flavor, something creamy, a touch of mositure in your salad. You could always count on Mayonaisse. A simple base of Egg Whites or Whole Eggs, neutral flavored oil (like Grape Seed, Walnut or Safflower), and some acid like Red Wine Vinegar, Apple Cider Vinegar or Lemon Juice. Some Sea Salt, and a touch of Mustard (maybe) and a bit of sweetness from Honey or Sugar. I love to make Mayonaisse from scratch. It's really the only time at work I get to use the microwave, since I pasteurize the Eggs with a little Lemon Juice first before blending. Then it's just a matter of emusification--a powerful scientific thing that happens when you blend Oil, Eggs and a touch of acidity. It turns white when none of these ingredients raw were white to begin with. In fact most people think Mayonaisse is Dairy, even I used to, until a few years ago when I started making it. There is no cream or butter or milk product in it, but it sure looks like dairy!

  "Yeah," she says, "My cousin Cool Whip and I go out to the mall sometimes and folks can't tell us apart!" I said, "Look I don't want to burst your bubble but Cool Whip is not really dairy, probably not even really food." She started crying and them her phone rang. "Hello? Who's this? What? You want to do what with me? Please don't call me again!" And she hung up and flopped back on the bread couch. "Who was that?", I asked. "Some crazy guy named Mr. Wasabi. This is exactly what I am talking about Zucchini, they just won't leave me alone. I just want to live a simple life and spread joy by...well, spreading. I don't understand all this fusion business anyway."

  So I told her I'd make some calls and see if I could get the gourmet markets and spice traders to put the word out to leave Mayonnaise alone for awhile. She seemed to cool down a bit and put her lid back on. I think if we keep her next to Mustard and Ketchup, maybe all the chefs and foodies will ignore her and start fussing around with Chutney and Chimmichurri instead. I can see my phone ringing off the hook in the near future. But as far as Mayonaisse, I'm not worried about her, she's shelf-stable, she'll be OK.

  She got up to leave and started to glisten. She paid me in eight track tapes. I got the Monkees first album, Earth Wind and Fire's Greatest Hits and a Linda Ronstadt that I'll prebably use as a coaster. "Anyway, Zucchini, if you're not doing anything later, maybe we could go for a dip, if ya know what I'm sayin?! I said, "Hey, wait just a second there, missy, I'm a taken man, my wife, Yellow Squash Blossom, is my secretary, she just stepped out for a minute, and besides, you're not my type, I'm into Greek Yogurt!"

[chefbarry]

The Eggplant Files--Episode One

There used to be this place in Buckhead called Eatzi's, but is now closed. I would go there while delivering juices to local business back in the day, and get this vegetable sandwich that I loved! I have been trying to duplicate it for years and I finally broke the code. This was a marketplace with stations serving different options so you could get fish from one, chicken or deli from another, cheeses from another, breads and pastries from another and so on, it was great.

  Back at the deli where you could get a mile high pastrami sandwich on good rye bread, they used to take these vegetables and run them through the meat slicer and get them paper thin and lightly grill them. I'm talking the holy trinity of summer--Eggplant, Zucchini and Bell Peppers. They would take this house made pesto and maybe some cheese and stack the veggies and press the sandwich panini style. It was heaven and I have been trying to duplicate this flavor for years.

  I have tried everything from grilling to roasting to sauteing and could never get it quite right. Then I discovered the Terrine. An age old French trick of lightly cooking vegetables and even using some raw and pressing them overnight wrapped like a mummy in a loaf pan with plastic and then weighted down with cans. I have been wanting to try this terrine technique for awhile, knowing that it would be at least interesting.

  Let me tell you it is wonderful and so easy I should have been making this dish all along! herre's what I do: Thinly slice eggplant lengthwise (I leave the skin on) and salt them on both sides for half an hour. This tenderizes them and takes out any bitterness. Rinse them in cold water and pat them dry with a towel. Then lightly oil a sheet pan and turn the oven to 375. Place the eggplant side by side and sprinkle with olive oil and spread around with your fingers to coat. I add some mixed Italian dried herbs, but you can just use oregano or thyme if you wish. Roast them for only eight to ten minutes. You just want to soften them and not brown them too much. Let them cool.

  Slice zucchinis lengthwise as thin as possible and reserve. Roast some red or yellow bell peppers and take off their skins and slice them once cooled into strips. Take some fresh basil and a pinch of salt and pepper and about half a cup of olive oil and blend it to make a thick basil oil.

  Then take a loaf pan and line it with plastic wrap so it is hanging off all the edges. Layer the eggplant side by side so they start to come up the sides. Drizzle some basil oil on it, not too much as a little goes a long way. Then layer the zucchinis on top of the eggplant, repeat with the basil oil, then the red peppers, basil oil, and repeat with the same layers until you run out of vegetables. The more vegetables you have the thicker the terrine will be.

  Then layer plastic wrap lengthwise and widthwise over the top to cover the vegetables completely and press down to get rid of any air bubbles. Place some cans on top and let it rest in the refrigerator overnight.

  The next day turn the whole thing over onto a cutting board. If there is any extra liquid or oil seeping out from the sides, wipe it away and cut the terrine into one inch slices. You can serve this as a vegetable side dish alongside some fish or chicken, but I take some whole grain bread, layer the terrine slices on one side and top with fresh mozzarella cheese, then press it in a panini press with just a little oil on the outside of the bread. This is my old favorite sandwich memory all jazzed up, give it a try!

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[chefbarry]

Mate Madness

If you haven't tried Yerba Mate, an antioxidant-rich green tea from South America, you have to make it a priority! This delicious drink is grassy and slightly bitter in flavor, but can be blended with other ingredients to make flavorful beverages. I prefer it straight up. It has some caffeine, but less than coffee and black teas, and has been shown to be a muscle relaxant, a stimulant to aid in weight loss, has anti-carcinogenic properties and can help lower your bad cholesterol (LDL).

  You buy it loose and steep it in hot (not boiling) water for about seven minutes, then enjoy. I use a french press. Some ideas that I have used to make drinks are: Sweet Mate--I use stevia and agave, as they are a great combination, where stevia by itself is a little off-putting. Agave has a low-glycemic index, which means in some cases, safe for diabetics, but overall, a great alternative to using natural cane sugar. Stevia has no calories. I take 4 cups of brewed mate and mix while hot four teaspoons of stevia, and two tablespoons of agave nectar (I prefer the raw or amber variety, but any will do). You can buy stevia in bulk at your regular supermarket now (Stevia in the Raw). So this is like a Sweet Tea you would find in any southern restaurant but pumped up with health-giving benefits, and low in sugars.

  Another drink I have made for my clients is called Iced Mate Latte and has unsweetened coconut milk (a brand called So Delicious, again found at most supermarkets now, and is coconut beverage, not canned coconut milk, you would use for soups), cardamom and cinnamon, and the stevia/agave combination. The recipe is: 2 cups brewed Mate, cooled, 1 cup So Delicious Coconut Beverage, unsweetened, 2 1/2 teaspoons Stevia, 4 teaspoons Agave Nectar, 1 cup ice, 3/4 teaspoon. Cardamom, 1 teaspoon Cinnamon, and two pinches of Sea Salt. Put all ingredients in a blender and blend, serve immediately.

  I made a new drink this week that was inspired by these expensive drinks you get at Whole Foods called Amazake, which are fermented rice or almond beverages, and are really delicious. I take almonds and simmer them, blend and let sit in the refrigerator for a day to get that slightly fermented component, which I believe helps to promote good intestinal flora, and blend it with the Sweet Mate and some frozen mango. I call this drink Ama-Mate Mango Shake, because it is a tea, but is thick like a smoothie.

  The recipe for Ama-Mate Mango Shake is: take 1/2 cup whole Raw Almonds and 1/2 cup filtered water and bring to a boil in a saucepan, then turn heat to low and simmer for ten minutes. Let it cool and add to a blender with another 1/2 cup of filtered water. Blend then pour into a container and refrigerate overnight. The next day pour this Almond mixture back into the blender and add one cup of frozen Mango chunks, one tablespoon of Agave, 1 teaspoon of Stevia, a pinch of Sea Salt, and 2 cups of brewed Mate, cooled. Blend and serve. Delicious.

  Try making your own Mate drinks, or try drinking it straight, it is really enjoyable!

In a blender add the following:

2 cups cooled or room temp Mate

1 cups So Delicious Coconut Beverage (unsweetened)

2 1/2 tsp. Stevia Powder

4 tsp. Agave Nectar

1 cup ice

3/4 tsp. Cardamom

1 tsp. Cinnamon

2 pinches Sea Salt

[chefbarry]

The Adventures of Zucchini Bellpepper

I get asked everyday at the market (usually by a cashier or produce concierge, or someone waiting in line behind me), "So chef, what are you making today?" Let me set the scene here first: I am running behind, trying to get to work through a bunch of traffic, usually having to stop off at two different markets for organic produce and grass fed or sustainable meats, or specialty items, and may have to prepare three different meals, plus snacks, drinks and sometimes desserts.

  I am not in the mood to chit chat, I am running recipes and techniques through my brain for the day, sipping on coffee or mate tea, and trying to get in and out of there. What other people see: A very tall chef, all dressed in black, like a culinary ninja rock star dude buying that strange looking vegetable, and of course I must ask him a question! "How do you cook that salmon?", "What do you do with quinoa?", and, my staple, "Chef, what are you making today?!"

  Listen, I want to be a nice guy, a part of the community, a go to guide for everything strange and unknown at the market, but if I tell you I will have to chill you! I just don't have that kind of time. I feel kind of like a culinary spy, all dressed in black, not talking to anyone, and trying to slip out of there without anyone noticing me. Kind of like a private eye with multiple whole foods and trader joes reusable grocery sacks under my arm, instead of a camera. Just call me Zucchini Bellpepper for now (my clandestine  monicker).

  The other thing that happens to me is that they see on my chef coat, Barry Kraemer, Private Chef above my pocket. Gears start turning, smoke starts to come out of their ears, and I get asked in the nicest way, "So what restaurant do you work at?"

  I am thinking, hey, I want to eat at this fairytale restaurant that can afford a 75% food cost and only serves organic whole foods cuisine! I usually say, "I actually work for a private family or client." Well you can imagine that next barrage of inquiries: "Well, I am sure he is someone famous!", "Does he eat like this everyday?", "He must have a sophisticated palate"...and so on, none of which I can actually answer. I work for a private client. This means I can't talk about him to anyone, and it kind of makes me a private kind of person myself.

  I have been cooking for people privately in their homes for over eleven years now, and I am learing something new about my craft everyday. It is a great job, I am my own boss, and it is not easy--I have to do every single job by myself that takes place in a restaurant or other foodservice operation. I am still trying to figure out how to do everything better and to constantly come up with new ideas, recipes, and techniques. It is fun and enjoyable, and wouldn't want to do anything else.

  But I can't talk to you at the market, I am in another state of conciousness, like a lucid dream. I really want to be friendly, I just don't have the time to invest. I am running late! This is Zucchini Bellpepper signing off until next time, when we uncover the case of the missing deodorant in "The Vegan Diaries, one sprout at a time".

[chefbarry]

A Pho Phinish

 There is nothing like a bowl of soup, simply put. Hot broth made from vegetables or meat bones, maybe some noodles, some vegetables, long-cooked like roasting or braising, or quickly-sauteed in a wok, and something raw on top like fresh herbs, grated root vegetables like carrots or daikon radish or maybe some slivered snow peas, or some chopped green onions or chilis--this is comfort food at its best.

  Pho, a dish native to Vietnam, began as a street food then became a popular restuarant dish, whereas some restuarants became pho restaurants, featuring it as the house specialty. It is still sold as a street food today, and has made its way through Europe and North America.

  I tried my hand at making it the other day for my private client. I had only seen it on TV on the travel channel, probably Tony Bourdain slurping some with his camera crew and having a moment. Well, I wanted that moment too! It does look delicious, and I do love brothy soups.

  Since I haven't written my own recipe yet, (I usually have to make something a couple times first), here is the basic idea: First you roast some onions and ginger in a light sesame oil until they caramelize and darken in color. You also boil some inexpensive cuts of meat like bottom round (stew meat) or bones from short ribs, whatever you can get with some salt and bay leaves for about an hour and 15 minutes. Drain the broth into the roasted onion pan and bring this mixture to a boil and simmer for ten more minutes. Drain this into another pot for the actual broth you will now use.

  Dry toast in a skillet some star anise, cinnamon and cardamom, then grind in a spice grinder, then add to the broth. Add a little coconut palm sugar (or date sugar or organic brown sugar) and a little fish sauce and a touch of soy sauce to the broth. Taste the broth for seasoning and add white pepper or salt to your desire. Then it is simply a matter of putting the pho together.

  You can thinly slice some grass-fed sirloin steak into strips, shred some green cabbage, chop some cilantro, chilis, green onions, sprouts, and grate some carrots or daikon. All these will be put into a bowl along with some rice noodles that you cook, and you pour over a very hot broth, which cooks the raw meat slightly, and when you slurp this soup, you have this taste sensation that covers sweet, salty, umami, a little spicy, crunchy, cooked, raw, pungent (ted neugent?), savory, and so on. This is really a soup worth the effort, and with all the raw ingredients helping to digest the rich flavors, you will certainly feel great after eating--a true Pho Phinish!

[chefbarry]

Say Goodbye to Gourmet

Whatever happened to our girl, "Gourmet"? She used to be so cute in those tight Calvin Klein jeans, sports bra, fake oyster pearl necklace and dirty blond hair with the roots showing. I think I saw her on a milk carton recently saying she was last seen in 1993 summering in the Hamptons eating a Vegemite and Peanut Butter sandwich.

  Gourmet used to be such a cool monicker to label our dining experience, talk about a restaurant or a particular chef, or the groceries we were paying too much for with the shiny gold foil wrapping. Let's look at the word for a minute. Gourmet comes from the word gourmand, kind of like gourmand's little sister, meaning to overexcessively enjoy food or drink. Some define gourmand to directly mean glutton.

So how did gourmet get so cute? She used to wander around from bistro to bistro, a little hungover from too much Jagermeister, sprinkling her little fairy dust of pink peppercorns, shaved truffles, or grains of paradise on anything from risotto to salads, maybe a hunk of goat cheese, or maybe she'd spoon out a little cranberry chutney on your burger for good measure. It turns out that gourmet just became more passe than, well, the word passe, for instance. Nobody really cared anymore that something was gourmet, they wanted a new fix, a new plateau to measure all other inferior dining experiences by, something they could write on their T-shirts. We came up with "Nouveau"--to satisfy our Frenchi-ness; we liked "Fusion" for a while, which basically meant anything tossed with an Asian ingredient; some settled for "Swanky", or even better, "Chic". Any of these words in front of a dish means you could now charge an extra eight dollars.

  Gourmet was like the word natural, it just lost its meaning over time, due to overuse, over publication, and overindulgence. Natural used to mean that something was actually natural, in a state of nature, unprocessed, unfettered, un-messed with. But then slowly you would see things like "made with all natural ingredients", and those would include things like organic high fructose corn syrup and natural flavors (which are neurotoxic flavor enhancers, and the same as artificial flavors, just with the fancy word natural in front if them). You would start to see things like "made from beef raised on a natural diet", and further down the list you would see preservatives and sodium nitrate added for freshness! Then we started to realize that natural meant that we didn't really want to know what was really happening in that farm's processing plant or in that factory, cause Nature certainly wasn't invited. We realized that we could walk by someone in the street who might be out on his luck and hasn't had much to eat or showered for a week, and we'd say something like "He sure smells natural". So natural was out.

  I think what happened to Gourmet was late one night in 1993 in a back parking lot of what used to be Studio 54 in lower Manhattan, a raised White tent was put up and a hundred influential chefs wearing their White coats were in attendance to schmooze with Wolfgang Puck, as he brought out a hundred White Pizzas with White Sauce, White Asparagus, White Truffles, White Anchovies and White Cheese, and they all rejoiced one last time drink Weisbeer from Belgium, and said a glorious goodbye to Gourmet. She was never seen again.

  In fact I still refer to one of my favorite cookbooks by Annemarie Colbin, called "The Natural Gourmet", whenever I have a need to make something vegan or macrobiotic-ish for a client. This book was published in 1989, and probably one of the last times you ever saw those two words printed next to each other.

  The truth is that you could always take a simple peasant dish and turn it into a gourmet dish by adding a twist, not always a fancy one either. Take macaroni and cheese and toss in anything from smoked trout to hot dogs, and you have now wowed the judges on "Said Addictive Cooking Competition Show". Sorry mom, but I did love the Chicken Ala King when I was eleven, I really did, I even had seconds--but there is nothing you could do to that dish to make it gourmet. You can't put a TV dinner into the food processor with blood orange syrup and pour it into the ice cream maker to win the dessert round on "Said Addictive Cooking Competition Show". Gourmet meant it had to make sense and elevate you a little bit. And make you feel a little guilty. You could have just ordered the burger.

  Now they call it inventive, or good technique, with flair, when one of the sweaty chefs decides to add bacon into any dish on "Said Addictive Cooking Competition Show", when it wasn't in the basket. "Wow, says the chunky judge, wiping the drool off her face, I haven't had bacon since 10 am, he is a wizard with that frying pan. This is truly fusion gourmet!"

  Poor Gourmet, I hope she ended up on a nice farm out in the country where she can play with her nice friends, Fusion and Natural, and they can have picnics and play frisbee and tye-dye their Calvin Klein jeans and eat corn just picked that morning with a little truffle butter when no one is looking.

[chefbarry]

I had a bad date last night

I was in my car going to the market for a dinner party two nights later, when I got a little hungry. I saw next to me on my passenger car seat a cute little plastic container that had about eight dried dates in it. Yum, I thought, instant sugar rush and good nutrition to boot!

  Little did I know that those dates had something else in mind...they were out to get me! They had been conforming in the past couple of months since I had left them all alone on that seat in the hot sun reflecting through my windshield on a daily basis. Chef, what were you thinking? Just because they were already dried in the sun, that more sun wouldn't confuse them and change their chemistry? Turn them into date wine, but not in a good way?

  Later that night my stomach started to dance--not the boogie-woogie or the crazy chicken, as I am known to do in front of my children, sometimes known affectionately as the cheese dance--but a whirly twirly type of dance like my stomach wanted to leave my body. Let's just say I had a bad night, and the dates won. No more snack fermentation experiment in my car, I think I'll stick to a bag of cashews.

  Well, I had my private dinner party last night, and it went better than expected, I was a little weak from not sleeping the night before (and losing 5% of my body weight), they licked their plates clean, all five courses! They offered me a little wine to drink, and I had to refuse, saying I was fasting or something like that.

  I wonder what is for lunch today?