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It’s not love that hurts us, it’s our expectations.

(via mypenleaksiridescence)

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:(

Dear mom, I’m sorry.

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Und irgendwann bemerkt man, dass man nur noch aus Körper besteht und die Seele längst gestorben ist.

cheirra

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What depression is really like:

•caring about your grades but not enough to do anything about them

•thinking about suicide more than graduating

•considering suicide whenever any problem arises

•tired

•no motivation

•no energy

•walking is so hard

•sometimes even talking is too much work because you’re so god damn tired

•laying in bed for hours because you’re too tired to move

•feeling nothing but sometimes everything

•knowing you’re not alone but still feeling alone

•that constant mindset of, “Who cares? I wont be around much longer anyways.”

•wishing to be left alone, while also wishing for people to stay

•never believing you’re good enough

•always putting yourself down

•never planning to far ahead in time

•fake smiles, fake laughs

•long showers because that’s you’re little moment of escape

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Anyone else get into that mood where you wanna talk to people and share stuff about yourself but you don’t want to spend the energy to actually seek people out?

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The only reason I won’t let go of what is making me sad is because it was the only thing that made me happy.

(via leohearts)

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Seems legitim

#sad #depression

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Just have a bad night..

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It would be beautiful, if we meet again someday and then - everything will be okay

R.

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Day 1 -  Dear R. ,

Hey guys, my real name is Sophia and I’m 19 years old, and I’m born in Germany, but I would never call it my home. Because this guys is my home. Yeah and now I want to show you my daily life in something like a diary. The reason? I don’t know the reasons at all maybe I think this could help me to survive. But I think all of you will understand me better after some days. That’s now the first day without him and I don’t know where I am. Yesterday, the worst day (12th April 2017)  I think I will ever have, was the day, he left me. And I’m not even at this point where I can say that I experienced the breakdown and the depressing phases. In that case I’m in the phase where I live on, I’m looking forward to the future and all the “everything will be okay”-people are asking questions why he broke up with me. And every time they ask this they say I’m just a very strong person with attitude, that they would breaking down on the ground and cry the whole day, if they would be in my position. That I’m a beauty and a kind person who is just lovely. In fact no one ever really loved me but that’s just another background detail. And at any time I answer that I will be okay. And that it is okay. I think I said the word “okay” too much than it could be true. Because it is NOT true. That’s the reason for this blog. I think I can’t go on living without him. We had a perfect relationship in my opinion and that’s the point, it was just my opinion. Moreover it’s very similar with my family (excluded my sister). They are pissed off when I’m just sad and when I’m only starring on the ground without a little breeze of a smile. And if I smile it’s fake. I opened this blog to cure my soul. Just to tell people what I’m thinking and what I’m feeling. I’m not very alone at all, yeah maybe my family isn’t very interested in listening to my problems but I have many friends. And I really think they are good friends, but this doesn’t solve the problem that he isn’t there anymore. I can’t even tell you how I feel because I don’t know it too. I think that sounds maybe very dramatic to you, because many people got the opinion that a guys who isn’t appreciating me, shouldn’t be in the position to rule my life expectancy. But I think you can’t generalize everyone’s mind. Because if I look back, I never could be compared with other persons.. Do you know the feeling when it doesn’t matter which place you are, with every person, you just feel strange and different? You just think, that’s not the place where you could be happy? And then, one day, you meet a person who brings light into you life. My man, R. Just think you sat the whole life in darkness, without any sense to live, without any perspectives because you never got the chance to feel what true love is like and everyone around you tells you every fucking day how beautiful you are, and such a friendly and honest person and then at the end of the day you realize that all these things are bullshit. Like: “Oh nice, thank you, I’ve never got a single person who really loves me but uuuuuhm, yea I must be beautiful.”. I was feeling the true emptiness and I would never wish somebody that feeling. But I survived. Everyday was a fight to survive in this world. Every night the panic attacks are hunting me and my world is just filled with grey tones. And then, this person came into my life. And I’m crying writing this, he is the most beautiful man I ever got known, He was kind, caring, a truly gentleman like in the old 60′s films. I always have to think of James Dean when I think about him, because he looks similar, his behavior is similar and the girls always revolve him at any place he is and he didn’t even noticed it, he never noticed it and I always said to him that he is a dullard (in a friendly way). We’ve got the same humor, in so many characteristics we are exactly the same. In so many ways we had a perfect relationship. R. is my hero. My english isn’t very advanced and even in German I just have problems to explain how much he means to me. He is my whole life. My whole life and soul. I gave him my whole heart without any conditions, I did almost everything for him. One year, seven months and seven days. I would, even if it is not right, change my whole personality for him, if he wants that. I would follow him to the end of the world if he would let me stand by his side. The sense of my life was to make him happy. No other conditions. We fought a lot in this relationship. Most of the time when we were at some parties and when we were drunk. And everytime this wall is on the way to fall down, we builded it up again and were proud of it. I was so proud to have him. He was my future. My one and only sense to live. And then the most terrible, exhausting and destroying day came. It was yesterday. Nah, the expectance of him to break up came one day ago. We were together in a big city because I had an important appointment for my future. We had so much fun walking down the streets and after the appointment drinking coffee in a bar. We talked about god and the world, like we ever did. We talked about everything with  harmony I could even not describe if I tried it. And then we drove home with his car. 15 minutes before we arrived my house, he told me that he has some troubles with our relationship. Before he said that, I told him about my future plans. Having children in future, but before that I really want to marry. I looked at him in the car and I saw that he is really pissed off about this issue. Then I asked him why, and after that he told me that he is not sure about the future of our relationship. I asked why because I was afraid of what he said and what he is on the way to do.”Because I think we have no future, Sophia” he said. Suddenly my brain, all my thoughts were confused in a big net of “why questions”. “I think I don’t love you anymore”.. was the other heartbreaking message. I broke down in myself, in the seat of his car and his facial expressions were cold as ice. Then he said he wants to think all these thinks at home, till tomorrow. The next day we met at 6 pm at my old school in my hometown. He told me that we never have the same opinions to things, we are too different in this time and that he just not love me anymore. He wants to look like an asshole, but that wasn’t him. I told him I want to hear the truth. Then he turned with his back to me and began to cry. At this point I didn’t believe anymore that he wasn’t love me anymore. I asked him why he do this, and he said he wants that I hate him, it would be easier for me. He was silent most of the time. I just cried as a child and tried to tell him that we have such a great kind of relationship. That we always think the same about most of the stuff. But then I realized the true reason. Hes just not ready for a serious realtionship, he is 22 years old and he wants to make party, he doesn’t want to bind himself to a person he doesn’t know if it could last forever. He said: “We just met too early” with tears in his eyes. This whole moment was just awful, terrible, not real. And it still is not. He knows what he means to me, so he said I should promise that I won’t do something to myself, that I don’t hurt myself and stay happy. And I would have never promised that, if he didn’t said that it would be beautiful, if we meet some day, and then everything is right, with a perfect relationship. Then we are happy. I asked him if he could promise me, that one day we will be happy together. He said “yes, I promise it.” I saw in his eyes that he was suffering from all this pain. And no way, no matter what will come, I never believe that he doesn’t love me. Because I know it. I know that because of his behavior.. Open the door of his car for me, preventing me from the dudes on parties who starre at me, when I philosophize was he just starring at me with a cute smile and glassy eyes. Also he was paying all kind of stuff for me and at his first birthday I was in a relationship with him, I bought him a Zippo (a kind of a lighter) with a picture of us on it. And the day he wanted to broke up, he reloaded it with gas and took it with him. That’s just unreal and unnormal. And I think I can’t survive this shit.. And I would not survive this when he did not promised me that we will see each other again. I will hardly survive and this demons, this emptiness is eating my soul and I’m back in darkness. I can’t even cry because I’m just broken, not to fix anymore. That was my first day. And there will follow much harder days, weeks, months, years, till we meet again. And my world fall apart when my love left me. 

In Love, Sophia