cheseuka

[cheseuka]

nothing's been going my way these past few months, sucks to be me ig ¯\(°_°)/¯ ridiculous things have been happening simultaneously, as if that's all there is to my luck, i mean fr??? just because i'm involved it had to turn out that way?? i just wanted the best for the people i support. all my expectations falling off short, when it wasn't even that much. my goodness. and we aren't even halfway through the year yet.

[cheseuka]

I have less than a month left at work, I'm quitting y'all. I haven't felt as lighthearted for the past few months. Though this wasn't an easy decision but it felt like I have been compromising a lot especially with myself for this job. I have been worrying every single day, I've been crying every other day, I feel nauseated and sick for the past month and it's been unbearable lately. It felt like my world revolves around this job, I decide on everything based on it. I have to adjust with my schedule every week and everything became uncomfortable. I wasn't comfortable waking up, sleeping, talking to people, I wasn't comfortable with going out, making plans, because I'll have to end up associating my work with it. It wasn't easy to come up with this conclusion because I have to make a living anyway, but I wanted to rest, I knew I needed rest. I haven't been this sure of anything ever since, but I knew I had to quit. That became my motivation to get up and work, because maybe, soon, I will have to courage to hand over my resignation, and I did, that took a lot of effort to execute.

[cheseuka]

it feels a lot like i don't deserve to enjoy lately. i have to remind myself of that every single time i realize i am smiling. it's been two sad weeks for me. i didn't deserve to go out to see my friends and treat myself, i didn't deserve coffee or a good night's sleep, i didn't deserve to laugh, i went out today and had a cheesecake but looking back at it now, i still didn't deserve it. i can't find a way out.

[cheseuka]

traveler thinking that it's astonishing how xiao closed his eyes and seem to be resting (since he's around people) and wondering if a yaksha who's always on guard capable of dreaming and then loid forger waking up on the sofa with anya and being on guard thinking he can't believe he fell asleep with someone around sends me the biggest heartbreak </3

[cheseuka]

"i'll try but i can't promise you" goodness. was that supposed to mean i am asking you a favor when that is actually my right? i've been very considerate of the people around me because i might be on that situation one day but you will only 'try'? screw people. this is why i hate people. how come i am surrounded by a bigger percentage of people who are selfish and inconsiderate and less of those who aren't. i guess you won't even do me a little favor knowing you don't even give me my right. this is why i keep cutting people off. i hope you feel what i've been feeling, i hope people turn their backs on you until you're helpless. and if you think you have it much worse then i'm not any better either. you just became part of the hundred reasons why i think i should stop existing and not wake up from my sleep. even i consider myself a monster so it doesn't matter if you do too.

[cheseuka]

[cheseuka]

the sky is gray for it is sympathizing with me, the birds are chirping for me to hear, the rain is falling to cry with me, the room is quiet so it can hear my thoughts better.

[cheseuka]

i feel bad for myself, knowing i'll never have the chance to run around all day, sweaty, excited and never tired, instead i would constantly run away from life and treat the corner of my room as the safest place, while stuck in the silence and the sound of darkness, i'll never have the courage to walk under the rain, even if i want to, because i have to be an adult, and have to avoid glances from people even when i want to dance in the rain. it feels a lot like getting older took so much of me. i didn't even have that much to begin with. maybe that's why i refuse to live longer.

[cheseuka]

no, but srsly i need no man to tell me tae moo's line "do u know what my love for you and this credit card have in common? they both have no limit", i want to be the one who says that instead

[cheseuka]

i was hoping to serve thoma a drink tho </3

[cheseuka]

i hope we get a kamisato ayato hangout where he interacts with thoma and sayu and itto, possibly

[cheseuka]

according to my recently watched dramas and movies, i am going to be overly invested with 'twenty-five, twenty-one' just for them to not end up tgt. there goes my feelings </3

[cheseuka]

wow ayato looks so...gentle ♡ or is it just me? like he has a similar impression or vibe with makoto tachibana from free! and kwon eunhyung from the webnovel inso's law

the "i'm a nice guy but if u hurt someone close to me consider yourself to suffer for the next 3 years"

[cheseuka]

what are the chances of me seeing your name on a borrowers card from a library?

[cheseuka]

not at me playing windtrace all day...i meanヽ( ᐛ )ノ

[cheseuka]

xiao, zhongli, shenhe and yunjin on the same ver update :( i'm crying ಥ_ಥ

[cheseuka]

ha ha. ha. i got itto ♡♡