chi-ppp

[chi-ppp]

Oh, how my life could be resumed In the tooth gap that only appears when you smile.

You can only see it from the side That's why i made it my religion To always sit to your left

I found myself wanting too see you laugh

Because in those precise moments, I was real My existancce didn't dissapear.

[chi-ppp]

So here i am, one month or some time after .

Alone maybe might be a wrong word. Im not alone but i feel empty. Empty may also be the wrong word. Idk how to really put it. Its like i am there fully liie always but my surrounding is emoty. So empty. Well it does make sense ive changed countries for pursuit of education. If those are the right words. Well since i came here it seems like im out of the right words. Always pronouncing something weirdly or wrong using words not in their right place and that makes me feel like an outsider. Well i am one. But again idk how to put it. I just want my friends and my family back. A place where i didnt have to walk on tiptoes a place where i didnt have to explain i was joking after making a joke a place where i didnt have to put myself in timeout because i want them to have family time together. One day i know i will achieve that point in my life but for niw i'm stuck. Im stuck in this weird place. But i honestly think its for the better. I know i'll have to grow oout of here like be someone they can actually see but right now its a little tough. Im still happy im here though

[chi-ppp]

I want someone to hold me,

Touch my skin so i can finally feel human

[chi-ppp]

Writing seems is the only way i can express myself 100% at least bcz ik no one knows im me right now. I just asked for one thing and that was to be loved and i wanted him to do that. Ik we were an amazing time match i just know it. But what is meant to be is meant to be be and this isnt. And now every hair is spiked with despair and disappointment. I want it to work for me just once literally just once in this life time. Ik that being loved will bring me back to life. Even Though i am trying my best to crawl out of the ground with all my might. Someone loving me would be like someone digging up the whole from the other side. Because thay wanted me. Just me. I. Want to be picked and chosen just once. Thats all im asking for just once i want someone to look at me and be like thats what i need that who i want to be with and spend my time with. Their number one. I wanted to be cared for i want to for one time feel like a girl. I want to be treated nicly seen as elegant and someone to see me truly in aromantic way. (Bcz my friends are amazing).

And i wanted him. I really did he presented everything i had ever wished for in a partner he was so nice u cant even begin to imagine and even if we tease each other he would always be extremely gentle. It melted me. He was good with family and he noticed stuff. Why wasent i good enough once more. I mean who do i even attract at this pont honestly i just need to know. And that is the question to wichh the answer will fill me and make me feel like a human being like everyother

[chi-ppp]

I am deeply into my spirtiual joirney. ell mayne not really deep i'm just there but hes muslim. But may not be the right word sin e thse two things dont really oppose in my mind. I have been finding reading about loobe and it describes us both so well. A meeting between the devine feminine and masculine. And when i describe a man in my head the immages collide. And i get so giggly and so happy at the idea of him liking me back. I'm also so cute. And i love every interaction we have ahhhhhh i love this. Plus i have never been this 'ormal while liking someone. Like were meeting up yalking irl and were so alike yet so dofferent how is that even possible. I am so crazy

[chi-ppp]

I like him. And i like him so much i havent felt this wayfor so long and its so beautiful. He is sso beautiful. His laugh and his care. He is so caring and sweet my knees are literally weak. I catch myself thinking about him when im alone. He has the things i always wanted. But i am leaving. I am leaving to another continent and i havent a clue what i should do... Confessing would be selfish that is if he likes me back, but i dont have the time to wait for him. He likes stability but im liteerally a walking hazard. What do i do??? I cant hurt him but at the same time i dont want to hide. I promised not to hide anymore.....

[chi-ppp]

Littelest thing

You destroyed, every little good thing in me

But here i am still looking for your warmth

Hoping ill find it in you words

But everyone if them cuts my heart a little deeper

To the point where i start to cut myself in littlee pieces

To see wich one fits best

So you can hold it properly

And love me properly

I am so much but you dont konow the littelest thing about me

And here i am waiting for you to say something,

Anything actually

I dont think ive ever had a real conversation with you

I told myself id always love you annd be there for you

But where even are you?

You havent shown me your true self or a fraction of who you may be.

And i find myself not knowing the littelest things about you

[chi-ppp]

So i have just met a guy that made my heart race, and mind u it hasn't for the last 2 years. This was the second time i met him and we were in a groupe setting we spent the whole night laughing and joking and i have not laughed in so long. And he was super caring and had amazing arms he looks manly but not too much exactly how i want it ugh my heart... But the thing that i really felt when i focused on his laugh omfggggg AAAAAAAA hes literythe cutest ever. And he was sooo sweet omfggg. And the day after i spent the whole morning thinking about him giggling and stuff. Hihihihihi i feel like smth inside me changed. And did i mention how cute he was ahhhhhhh

[chi-ppp]

Loving yourself should be your priority

But how am i supposed to know how to love myself if i never received it. I have never felt loved

But then again maybe i should love myself like i love people...

But the ones i loved didnt like my love

Maybe my love is not lovable

Maybe my love is not enough not even for myself

I have this feeling that is always tickling my brain that it will never be.

So how do i love myself enough to feel loved

[chi-ppp]

i want to write all my fears away and get a liittle bit of freedom,

i want for once to be seen as my thaught not by gender or status.

i might be the girliest girl you could ever meet or the girliest boy maybe even the girliest no bianary person you've ever even seen.

i want you to think of me as a resolved mystery. All of myself is here only for you to see clear. i might be a Tree standing tall or a bird standing taller on that tree.

i am here yet nobody can really see

please see me but don't look at me as i might hurroundous for your beautiful eyes to percieve

[chi-ppp]

i want to be happy

but i don't want to hurt you