chigau

[chigau]

(2/2)

I think health anxiety and general anxiety hold me back

I want my drive and tenacity stats to be like a fucking bobcat snowplow navy destroyer ship. I want to be that Scandinavian tanker plowing through ice in the north sea. and despite all of that i want to be kind, and i want to make others happy, and bring positivity. i dont necessarily want to be remembered, but i want to use my gifts and live my aspirations while i am here. i make these baby steps to who ive always wanted to be, even if that person is all over the damn place. i was so assertive as a child, i desperately need that back. i also need the focus too. another baby step from me is writing this blog. thats at least getting up off my ass and doing something. i read a Q&A from a CEO and he said what jobs/companies find very attractive in an employee/leader is someone with accomplishments. he was very nice and down to earth sounding. he mentioned that those accomplishments dont need to be grand. they can be as little as forming a club, or writing and publishing an essay, organizing a donation to charity, winning an award, building something, creating an award to give, anything that shows you went beyond just daily life and did something notable. I think that sounds right. it shows people you are driven and like to work towards goals in creating something, whatever it may be. i think it will be important to work on little projects or something im unsure. he said it looks really good when people did things while in school. so it will be about spending my time in a healthy manner, dreaming big, and replacing my social media time with my own projects and creations. where to start, right? especially as someone looking to go into software, i need to get on that. after finals though. i also need to make a better resume. i used to love doing things. you know how people say "putting out" like in a sexual way? haha. well i used to love "putting out" in like a making creations typew of way. as a child, i wrote an illustrated books. i built things, i also designed all of my own letters to send to people. i used to write songs. i used to sell things, was addicted to having lemonade stands because i loved the rush of sales. i used to love going out and leaving the house. i used to do a lot more.

[chigau]

I think health anxiety and general anxiety hold me back

(1/2) I think I am a very weak person. And I dislike being this weak very much. I've grown up around highly successful people, and I've always felt that I related to them. But my life took a turn on a different path. I used to want to be a doctor. I think it's a blessing that I was scared of gross shit though. In the end, doctors make great money, but not that great compared to CEOs and execs. Doctors also only get to do one thing. The only flexibility is what part of the body you work on. But in the end, doctors need to report to the same hospital, or the same office, unless they switch jobs. I think I may have been saved from that. But my past 6 years have been incredibly stagnant like stale pond water. My constant battle with mental health and health anxiety has made me unable to accomplish much. I also have social media addiction lol. Anyways, I always had this feeling that I would do things, or accomplish things, or put out creations into the world. i think it was some predisposition to narcissism though oof. I have an insanely poor work ethic now. The slightest discomfort can change the course of my whole day and keep me in bed. I also cry very easily, I cry about everything. A good song can make me cry. Call me a freaking empath because watching others cry makes me cry. On one hand though, I think I am a kinder and more understanding person now than I ever was. So sadly, not many people have the ability to put themselves in others' shoes and truly acknowledge what a person is going through. It breaks my heart what so many people go through. But anyways, (great time to leave that last topic eh?) I always thought I was going to be a more callous person. but i am not. and i am fine with that. so anyways, please ignore all the bad grammar in this, this is like a thoughts dump, no editing etc. there are some qualities I am sad to have lost or never gained though. and those are tenacity, great work ethic, determination, mental strength, perseverance, self confidence, undying optimism. and those are traits a lot of business leaders have. i think a lot of business leaders are unable to relate to people without these traits, they are too good at survival and often ignore people who have more trouble surviving. business people also have a use or be used mindset - like they profit off the labors of others since someone was gonna do it - "oh you dont like me owning your company and sucking you dry and underpaying you? go start your own company!" i dont like that stuff. anyways more about me now. I want to get those better traits. i have them deep down. i want to be better at ignoring my anxiety. in any kind of leadership, i think I have the potential to be great and caring. I just have really low energy. and im really sensitive. and i get distracted way too easily. it sucks because at my job, i actually have a great work ethic... but i serve tables.... so um yeah i am not trying to do that forever. i was proud of myself for purposely forcing myself to go to bed early last night, and waking up early this morning since i will have to do it for a test tomorrow. im taking these little baby steps towards the person i want to be. It just sucks right now. I want to be the picture of strength and resilience. I want my mental health and feelings to be like god damn stone wall jackson.

[chigau]

Had Some Anxiety Today

I've been having a little resurgence after a good period of calm. Not 100% calm but just a major improvement from being at my worst. I was doing pretty good. Today and the past few days I've had some small bouts of H.A. HA sucks. I was worrying for like 3 hours that I have something wrong w me cause my legs feel jittery and I don't feel hungry and my pee wasn't clear. Only now have I come to the conclusion that its probably because I was practicing splits and front splits last night. and I literally jumped and landed into the splits. its probably logical that that could make my legs jittery considering I haven't done splits in years and I was so stiff and def stretched my muscles a ton. but no, for three hours i thought i was having vitamin d toxicity because i didn't feel bad, wasn't hungry, and my legs feel a little jittery. ALSO, could it be logical to assume it could also have to do with the major diet that I am on (2 pounds of loss per week according to my calorie app and I've been sticking to it). Damn I have been feeling pretty good despite eating almost half my maintenance every day. And see, these are the logical explanations that my mind completely skips over every time. It took me 3 damn hours to remember the vigorous splits I was doing yesterday and the fact that im eating 1200 calories a day and only ate 770 calories yesterday to make up for the slight overages that totaled in lie 430 or something for the past 7 days (so that my calories per week would be on target). I'm still a bit nervous with myself, and I don't feel 100% secure in myself right now. I need to boost my mood. At least I explained things to myself in a logical manner, that really helps. Another thing that helps is when I acknowledge the somatic symptom disorder that goes along with my HA. I have a hyper awareness of all my bodily sensations and my senses of my own body are like a million times what a normal person's are. I don't think someone else would barely notice how I feel right now. And if so, they'd probably pop an Advil and drink a coffee and not think about it again. I'd like to be like that! Now, I'm trying to get ready for babysitting. My symptoms kick in hard in the hours before a commitment or responsibility. so i need to work on that. i think trying to be a more proactive person who procrastinates less will help. its always among other stressful things in my life like a death of a loved one/pet, school stress, work stress, commitment i made too far in advance stress and is now conflicting with something more important, that i feel stressed. (Oddly specific on that last one since I committed to babysitting too long ago and have finals next week, I guess I didn't assume there would also be a final today and homework due tonight that i haven't started but oh well!!!!! arghhh.

[chigau]

Health Anxiety

I've decided to dedicate this blog to health anxiety and, general anxiety disorder. I've been doing so much better lately and I think that's important to share with others. Last August 24' I was to the point where I could not leave the house alone. I didn't feel safe enough to drive a car. I was having multiple daily panic attacks. I was having palpitations and strange feelings in my heart. I felt really hopeless. It is hard to say this out loud or type, it feels so taboo, but I think those of us with health anxiety can relate to living itself feeling like a chore, and feeling tired, but being too scared to die. I think something inside us all is really holding onto hope. And that's a good thing. We do not have health anxiety without a strong sense of self preservation. I think that is something important to remember. But I would be lying if I said I have not been to the point many times where I didn't feel the need for self preservation. But then I am hit again with a wave of some weird symptoms and my fear of death kicks in. Life was hard then. It was not enjoyable. All my happiness was so short lived, like seconds. I was constantly worried, constantly anxious. Life was miserable. I think it would be such a disservice to sugar coat any of that. It's a scary place to be, and scary to talk about how low I have felt, how low we as humans are able to feel. But I'm lucky that I'm better now. I don't know if it is luck, or something that was inevitable. I think it is something we are all entitled to. I think for a lot of us, we can remember a time when life was easier. Even if it was only from ages 0-4. It existed. and i think we can have that type of peace at any time in our life. And I don't think the path to that is the same for anyone. For me a lot of it was the fact that I was vitamin D deficient. I' also had a lot of trauma in my life so that did not help me at all. I've also had a lot of trauma in my life. There were a lot of factors that contributed to it. Nowadays I'm much better but I still struggle.

[chigau]

Signs U Are Addicted to Your Phone or Scrolling

this includes: reddit, facebook, X(Twitter), Instagram, Tiktok, Snapchat, Youtube, video games used to socialize, and other online platforms used in a similar manner

pooping is too boring to do without your phone

you recheck apps you literally just checked minutes ago to find that, still, nothing has changed

when trying to swear off socials, you check your email or other apps you normally wouldn't A LOT

you have low energy in life and it feels like laying down and scrolling socials and liking vids is all you can really do in the moment

your attention span is actually shit

you get distracted while listening to people talk in conversations

you have incredibly low creativity

you don't feel like you have any real hobbies

you yearn to connect with people, but you're anxious as fuck in public

you dissuade yourself from doing things like exercise because they would leave you with no energy

despite actually having A LOT of downtime for yourself, you feel as if you don't get to relax enough

your dreams (your literal dreams while you sleep) are probably a bit minimal or boring

you don't get any pleasure from things that you used to

you have trouble feeling good about your future and nothing you are doing in life feels like it will lead to happiness

you often don't feel good enough in all aspects of yourself

your feeds may be pleasant and show happy people but you still feel very unhappy when not on social media

you yearn to do something meaningful with your life, but years go by

you can't even sit through reading a book without getting super distracted unless it is especially designed just to please you and probably involves some general plot line you are guaranteed to like

books and movies do not feel as interesting anymore, it's harder to tell if it is bad writing or acting. but it is both, the actors and writers and producers are all on their phones too and things lack the human touch and effort they used to have

you feel as if you used to have so much more time for being a multifaceted individual who could conquer many things in a single day

life doesn't feel as eventful as it used to be

days/weeks/months/years blend together

you have trouble giving yourself direction

despite the fact that great, wonderful things can happen at any point in an individual's life, you feel like you've already missed the bus for all of that

you wish to be content with yourself and your life

you see friends or people you follow online with a green dot near their name whenever you're on and think "dang they're always on here" and really, you're in the same boat

you don't feel like you have a unique identity for yourself in the way that other people do

you want something different for yourself every day and you feel like you cannot nail down a single direction to go in

you lose interest in things quickly

you are met with small bouts of inspiration but have gotten to the point where you quickly shut them down because you know you won't follow through

you feel a bit worried about your income or providing for yourself because you lack any passion for your job or career, especially in positions that involve more mental work. Yet you want very nice things and have a craving for luxury or material possessions like in the lives of individuals you view online.

You're taken aback when strangers talk to you in person while out running errands... though you comment on strangers posts all day, or at the very least read stranger's comments online, and may even argue with strangers online frequently