chikai-kyoki

[chikai-kyoki]

i hate when specific persons tell you they'll be there to help you out but then just start playing fucking video games and only help you for a few small damn minutes. cant even wash a fuckin bottle like i politely asked. Next time if ya know you aint gonna help then dnt even bother sayin youll come with me to fuckin help out!!!! 😡😡😡😡

[chikai-kyoki]

[chikai-kyoki]

[chikai-kyoki]

[chikai-kyoki]

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[chikai-kyoki]

[chikai-kyoki]

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[chikai-kyoki]

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[chikai-kyoki]

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[chikai-kyoki]

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[chikai-kyoki]

this is something i have to get off my chest. this is my reality.

i have bpd, bd, mpd, depression, insomnia, some word i cant pronounce or spell. i hear voices and i see things that are not actually there along with shadows. i over think every single thing, i dont know how to show emotions correctly and worry if im not useful to helping or not. i have anxiety/ social anxiety, i get panic attacks when i least expect it. i get twitchy and start ticking out of nowhere i twitch when im about to have an anxiety attack. my breath gets shorter and shorter and that causes me to panic. i write or draw i read or listen to music sometimes none of that helps but cigarettes always do, i know their bad i know i should stop but i cant stop if its something that helps me at least alittle bit.. i lock myself away from all forms of realities. i think to fast and start to stutter witch causes me to feel as if im going to have a mental break down. i pure pressure myself when it comes to certain basic life style doings. im easily distracted i care for others more then myself cause thats how i am. i try so hard for other people that dont even give a single fuck about me. my family jokes but when they joke i unconsciously take it all into heart and start playing scenarios inside my head where it feels so real that i have to hide my face with my head hung low to avoid anyone seeing the tears forming in my eyes. i choke on my words it doesnt matter if im crying or not i start to lose my mind it sucks so bad i try to deal with it everyday. but everyday it gets worse everyday i have to focus 100% times more to keep from breaking down and losing my mind. when i love i love beyond emotions physical touch ect. i love spiritually some people dont believe when I say "i love you more then you can imagine" they say i lie or im a fake with ym mental issues. i cant ever talk back i dont know how to stand up for myself. but i can when its in my head...but in person count to 3 im dead. i hold back my tears because i dont like to show my fears. to others i may seem like a faker or liar, if they believe me or not its their choice. i know what i fight with every day and night 24/7 awake or asleep. my demons wont leave me alone they can be kind as an angel. but will stab you in the back once you let your guard down in a mila-second. to those out there fighting with mental issues stay strong keep fighting it wont be long just stay breathing dont give up. cause one day i know the fight will be won.

[chikai-kyoki]

why do i feel that im going to get heart broken again...

[chikai-kyoki]

omg

[chikai-kyoki]

X_X

[chikai-kyoki]

Made a gif out of boredom. :P

[chikai-kyoki]

[chikai-kyoki]

why does it always feel like i fuck up everytime...is it to much to ask for a good peaceful day?