chillingchelso

[chillingchelso]

I've been reading The Seven Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle. It could be my obsession, or listening to an array of "Spooky Classical" music, but I've pictured this entire thing as a @flanaganfilm limited series.

Here's my cast - I'm page 260/480

Aiden: Zach Gilford

Anna: Samantha Sloyen

Jon Derby: Igby Rigney (sorry kid, I think you'd do a smashing job.)

Evelyn Hardcastle: Willa Fitzgerald

Michael Hardcastle: Oliver Jackson Cohen

Edward Dance: Mark Hamill

Peter Hardcastle: Bruce Greenwood

Helena Hardcastle: Carla Gugino? Kate Seigal?

Daniel Coleridge: Henry Thomas

Sebastian Bell: Rahul Koli

Ted Stanwin: Michael Trucco

The Butler: Robert Longstreet?

I think Ruth Codd absolutely has a place in here too, maybe as Madeline

[chillingchelso]

Over the last several months, I've gone on a bit of a Taylor Swift adventure.

My partner is a fully blown Swiftie, and while I appreciated her music and thought she was an incredible person, I wasn't a massive fan.

After watching her Eras Tour and Miss Americana, I am absolutely obsessed with her.

Last night, my partner and I went to a Taylor Swift dance party hosted by a local radio station and we got to see the new video for Fortnite as it debuted.

I was initially in love, and couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Now I'm awake and re-watched it and can't stop crying, and figured out why this song got to me so much.

STORY TIME:

I've been with my partner for almost 9 years, but we've known eachother for 17 years. When I met him in high school, I knew he was meant to be in my life. I don't know if that's what people mean when they say love at first sight, but we had this connection.

He started dating this girl and I was heartbroken, but stayed close as I could. They had a baby, and a couple years later broke up.

After they broke up, we got together. And I was so happy. I thought this was it. I was done and the rest of my life was just waiting to be experienced.

And then he got his friend to tell me that he got back together with his ex.

I couldn't fault him for trying to make his family work, but I was absolutely devastated.

More years went by, we both moved forward, but not on.

They broke up again, and low and behold here we are.

END STORY.

I don't know how it's possible, but I haven't actually heard a song that actually encompassed how I felt during that period of time.

It feels silly to be sad over something that happened over 12 years ago, but this song shot an arrow right through my heart.

[chillingchelso]

It's my 10 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

IT SURE IS NOT BUT THANK YOU.

[chillingchelso]

I have reoccurring dreams. This is interesting for a few reasons.

First, I consume, and have consumed, 🍃(still learning the rules) daily for the last decade. Second, people apparently don't typically have the exact same dream over and over again.

I do.

Every.Single.Night.

I don't have THE SAME dream, word for word, but the same themes typically occur.

One dream only happens every so often, and we'll get to that. Here are the re-occuring presences in my dreams:

TW - ABUSE

- I'm always at my exes house, where I temporarily lived. This is the aforementioned ex, who put me through extensive mental and emotional abuse. I'm always stuck there. I'm there, but I know I shouldn't be. Because I know I shouldn't be there, I always start or am in the middle of packing my things up. Sometimes this is in secret, sometimes it's not.

The times it's not, I always go into detail about the things he put me through and that's why I'm leaving. I always just need his mom to say it's okay.

- Sometimes, while this is happening, it turns into a different exes home, and I know I need to get out of there as soon as possible.

- I always end up going out of a window/glass door onto a patio, and the whole scene becomes my grandparents old place outside of Arnprior.

- Sometimes it leads to my first apartment (where I lived when dating ex 1) and I haven't been there in so long, I'm not sure my key even works.

- This always leads to me trying to find the restaurant/bar my coworkers are at. When I find it, I go through a bizarre fantasy-like roulette of challenges, to get to this orb that I go into and brings me to - I still have no idea, but feels like what I imagine what it feels like to be an astronaut adrift in the middle of the universe.

A lot going on for no more than 5 hours of sleep, and even less REM.

The main things I notice are that there are flecks of places and people that caused me a lot of pain. It's always been a lot to unpack, and I never really have.

Let's be honest, therapy is expensive.

[chillingchelso]

I've made a decision.

I'm going to try and do more recreational writing.

When I was in school, it was one of my favourite pastimes. I would spend hours on sites like Livejournal and Quizilla, telling my own story and making up others.

(TW)

In my early 20's I was in a seriously emotionally abusive relationship. This person broke several levels of my trust and hurt me on purpose to make themselves feel better.

One time, we were out with their friends, and they brought up my stories from the aforementioned platorms because they had dug so far into my past that they had found those. He brought them up as a way to have power over me. To show me that there was no secret I could ever have that he wouldn't find out.

And so I stopped writing.

(END TW)

For some time now, I've been feeling the itch. Maybe it's because I've been reading more. Maybe it's because I've spent a lot of time lately trying to be more confident in myself. Either way, I'm gonna give it another go.

This will be my space for my lame podcast ideas, early script writings and book reviews.

I hope you enjoy.

Keep Chilled 👻