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[christmas-shenanigans]

Session 7 definitely the last one Sat 13 Jan 2024

I have a scrunchy lunch. Skabb is feeling better. Valeros will throw himself off something if we don’t finish this fight tonight. Halbrecht goes to get some tea. And we’re off!

Would the old baggage like to maybe fuck off? Has she considered surrendering? She considers, and decides to whack Wee Jock with her spoon instead. Then she’ll hit Halbrecht; and then Grabby Cat (Skabb is outraged). Cries of “that rotten bitch!”

Halbrecht is writing a naughty list of his own. It’s just got the one name on it. Grabby Cat wants to grab something on fire and go on a kamikaze mission up her ass.

Christmas Elves do snowballs, Skabb is nearly dead. Oh wait - she ignores cold damage. “I feel healthy.” Another goes for Half-Brick, he is pleased when it misses - the next is a crit, though. 21 damage to him total. “Excellent. I’m not even dead. Ha.”

Valeros. “Hello.” He gets an attack of opportunity, if he has that ability - he does not. The elf escapes him, marks him as prey, and throws a snowball at him. Another throws one at the back of his head for another 9 damage.

“I’m allergic to Christmas after this,” Halbrecht announces. “You’ve ruined it.”

The Faerie does a Heal; Valeros requests that if he is to die, can he at least be done in by the hot faerie. “No promises.” The DM refuses to tell us who she’s healing.

Psychotic goblin is up. “Well I’m a dying psychotic goblin, so…” She looks at her potions. “1d6? That’s wank, innit.” She casts her own Healing spell instead with her wand - using Overcast. She’ll never need it again, so who cares if it breaks? She does a 2-er, for 15 HP back. “Better than a kick in the pants,” Wee Jock observes. Skabb hides for her last action.

Wee Jock the Ever-Living takes his turn. He is going to give Mrs Claus “a bit of a bonk on the head.” DM, laughing: “Only fair, I suppose.” He does 19 total damage including Rage and Cold Iron damage, and goes for an Intimidating Glare. The number is red. “… Um, hero point?” 17 isn’t super good, but maybe she’ll roll low…? Well, a 32 isn’t low, so. No. He swings his Hammer again, but a 13 misses.

Zorya spots an elf glaring at Valeros through the window of the building opposite from her perch on the roof, and takes advantage of the distraction to shoot it - sneak attack as well will kill it! She shoots Mrs Claus and rolls a 20, petitioning the DM. “She’s exhausted now, right? Her AC is lower now, right? Because it’s Christmas?” Generously, and probably in the interest of not going for a session 8 of the Christmas Special, he agrees and takes 4 off her AC. Zorya’s 20 hits. “But she doesn’t accept my lovingly gift-wrapped sneak attack damage.”

Mialee kills the Christmas Faerie! How de doo dis! “Straight through the eye. Don’t worry Valeros, she didn’t know what hit her.”

Valeros, with no more reason to live, trudges outside and halfheartedly hits something. He isn’t even excited when he gets a howdy doodis. Wee Jock tries to cheer him up with talk of hiring a prostitute in the goblin village, but he’s not interested. He crits against the last bauble bomber as well, but doesn’t kill it. He kind of shrugs, and that’s the end of his turn.

Halbrecht can do Battle Healing for two people. He rolls two Medicine checks, one for himself and one for Wee Jock - he rolls 32 both times! Two critical successes, so 4d8+10 each. Halbrecht: “… Holy shit.” 34 for Wee Jock, and 26 for himself. Not too shabby. That’s his first action. Wee Jock: “Back in the game!” (IRL Wee Jock thanks him, “because the real Wee Jock never would”.) Halbrecht takes a swing with his hammer but misses, and raises his shield.

Mrs Claus takes her attacks at Wee Jock, Halbrecht and Grabby Cat again. She has a really bad round - 19 (crit fail), 18, and 12.

The elf at the window marks Mialee as prey and throws two snowballs at her head, and misses both times. “Cheeky!” “There’s a lady behind you,” Wee Jock warns her. “Well she’s going to get an elbow in the face.” Another elf attacks Valeros but misses. And that’s all the elves, because we’ve killed the others.

A bauble bomber throws some red bombs at Wee Jock. He doesn’t even notice. He notices the 20 to hit, though. Another flings some more at Valeros; he’s too busy staring at his feet to see them.

Skabber is fed up of all the mooching around that’s going on, gets stuck in a door and has to request to be moved. “You can’t get out because you can’t reach the door handle.” She wants to slap Valeros as a free action. “Snap out of it!” She yells. She has discovered that she has a Fireball left and flings it - but rolls a crit fail. She was going to try and hit Mrs Claus, uncaring that she will hit her friends. “Who cares? We’re all dying at the end of this!” For her mercenary attitude, she is awarded a Hero Point, which she immediately uses to re-roll her Fireball. Mrs Claus fails her save! Sadly so do Halbrecht, Wee Jock and Grabby Cat - the latter is off the map now. Skabb turns to Valeros. “This is all your fault.”

Wee Jock says, in a shocked voice, “Warm! Warm!” He pats himself out and attacks Mrs Claus for a 20, which now hits thanks to her reduction in AC. She is no longer flanked, however. But! The DM rules that she is still reeling from the Fireball, so her AC will stay at 20 for the rest of the round. He tries for another Intimidation (14), but she's having none of that.

Zorya tries to determine who looks sicklier, the elf or Mrs Claus, but she is distracted by the latter’s wedding ring which she has just spotted gleaming on her finger. She takes all three attacks at her, and two hit. She’s fixated on the ring now, and makes up her mind that it'll be hers by the end of this fight.

Mialee takes an attack at Mrs Claus and nearly kills her, then crits her next hit! Mrs Claus falls, with the tinkle of sleigh bells, and fades to nothing - taking the ring with her. “Nooo!” Zorya cries from the roof.

Mialee sets her sights on an elf for her last action, but misses. She gets a Hero Point for sleighing Mrs Claus. (Arf arf.)

Valeros kills a bauble bomber. He swings his sword in a Zorro-esque manner, carving a “V” into his chest. He shoots at an elf with his short bow, crits, and rolls 19 crit damage. The elf is down to her last hit point. “Grand. Wait, wait! If you were to watch Robin Hood Prince of Thieves, that bit with Christian Slater where he takes out the arrow, runs his thumb across it and shoots it. That’s what Valeros just did.”

Halbrecht inquires as to the health of two of our enemies. One is looking sickly, the other is fresh as a daisy. “Well we’ll see about that then, won’t we.” He casts Searing Light against the injured one - Howdy doodis! “Turns to ash, and dust, his still very surprised face lands on top of the pile of dust.” He raises his shield for his last action. “I think that might be the first time I’ve hit something in this whole adventure,” he says, and is awarded a Hero Point.

The Christmas elf, having just seen Mrs Claus fall, stops throwing snowballs. She takes her bow off her back and takes aim at Halbrecht. Her bow refuses to work so she does snowballs after all. 27 hits for 5 and 4 Cold, and Halbrecht is down to 5hp. (Skabb: “I feel partly responsible.” Halbrecht: “That’s because you are.”)

She throws some snowballs at Zorya but they miss, and another throws some at Mialee. “Miss, miss, miss,” Wee Jock calls - and they all do! The bomber throws all his bombs at Wee Jock - only the green hits. He takes 1 acid and two persistent. More splash damage, for Halbrecht.

We only have two elves and a bauble bomber left! Skabb cheers. She is told there is one on the roof. “Can I scuttle up the chimmer?” Halbrecht, laughing: “Who talks like that?!” It turns out the one on the roof is Zorya, so she doesn’t do it. She wants to bite the elf’s finger, and then “suck the juice out like a straw.” 28 hits - and how de doo dis! “Really slowly, so I can savour the blood.” There is a house with a table full of baked goods behind her. “Are any of them rotten?” she asks, and is disappointed when they are not. She brightens when Wee Jock tells her he still has some squiggler jelly.

Wee Jock: “Advance… Corner… Then hit in the groin with a - ohhhh, that’s a bad miss.” He swings again and gets a howdedoodis! “Bauble your way out of that one, you dead prick.” He still has a go left. Mialee’s window licker friend is still alive, so he advances, ending up right back where he was. “Hiya,” he says to Halbrecht as he passes. “I’m on my way to murder someone.” (He then remembers he can’t move as he's run out of actions, and takes it back.)

Zorya drops off the roof, sneaks up on Mialee’s friend, and stabs her. With no more movement she will stand there and wait to get smacked. “Don’t worry, I’ll kill her before she gets a go,” Mialee tells her. And then crits her next shot!! The elf is still up - but isn’t she flanked, with Zorya there? That counts, the DM says, and lets her do her sneak attack damage for another 3. Mialee shoots again. Another hit, and more sneak attack and cold iron damage! “Dead?” No, sadly for Zorya. Mialee’s last attack misses so she Hero Points it, but still misses.

Valeros moves down the map looking for Skabb to give her... something, I don't hear what. He zings an arrow over Zorya’s head at the elf. 20 hits, but he only does 1 damage.

Halbrecht finds one! “Aaaaaaaand… Divine Lance! Oh.” 14 misses. “That was a signalling lance.” That was his whole turn. “You’re all very welcome.”

The elf escapes Zorya and moves. “Where’s that bitch gone?”

Skabb has a quick squizz out the door to make sure no-one’s there. (Zorya deletes herself and has to be put back.) The DM turns Skabb around because she’s stuck in the door again. She can’t see anyone, so she prances around the room, “making the wettest, soggiest bread with all this jelly” (so that’s what Valeros gave her!). She wants to know if there are bugs she can add in; there are not. “In that case,” she says with glee, “I have a spell slot left. Vomit Swarm!” She pukes up a load of bugs, stamps on them, scrapes them up and spreads them on her toast. “Valeros does a full retch,” he announces. “Have a disgusting Hero Point,” says the DM.

Wee Jock vaults over some barrels, but can’t see any targets. Disappointed, he uses all his movement to get to the Christmas tree fire to warm his toes. He spots the elf, who is cowering in a house. “She’s here!” he yells.

Zorya moves up, spots her, and shoots - pinning her to the wall and killing her, taking out the last opponent. “You have successfully booted in the door of Christmas Land, and murdered all the inhabitants,” the DM tells us, to general cheering. Skabb makes us something disgusting as a treat to celebrate; Valeros and Zorya both lose their lunch at the mere sight of it.

Halbrecht does a big Heal. Valeros: “You are the best goddamn Cleric.” Mialee doesn’t need it as no-one has managed to so much as scratch her.

We’ve got some powder to find. Zorya finds some presents in the northernmost building and immediately forgets the powder. Skabb joins her and starts smashing presents. Wee Jock and Halbrecht actually look for the powders. They find hundreds of notes with names on, each with either a smiley or frowny face next to them. Skabb, Zorya and Mialee don’t care to find their own names; they already know.

Halbrecht, Valeros and Mialee make Perception checks (Skabb finds some whiskey). Halbrecht finds our names - Skabb, Wee Jock, Zorya are all naughty and the rest are nice - except Valeros, who has both a smiley and a frowny face next to his name. (We thought Mialee would be naughty; but if we refer to her character sheet it specifically says: “flaws: none.”)

Mialee and Valeros see that the reindeer stalls are empty but they find a bunch of bottles. We are looking for a powder (Skabb and Valeros are messing around with the sleigh). Skabb and Mialee both spot a bottle of iridescent powder - Mialee snatches it before Skabb can get it, but she tips a bit out into Skabb outstretched paw. Skabb licks it up and starts to float!

(Zorya has been investigating the presents - she finds three that she believes are of considerable value, and squirrels them away before anyone knows she has them.)

To the magic item vote! Only Skabb voted silently, the rest of us forgot to send the DM messages so we have to do it out loud. Wee Jock is torn between Mialee and Valeros, voting for the latter in the end because he stayed most in character. Mialee votes for Zorya, because she got some great kills. Halbrecht votes for Valeros because he needs cheering up. Valeros and Zorya both vote for themselves, because of course they do.

(Skabb picks Zorya up with her new flying ability and flies her around the room.)

We have two tie-breakers! Tied in first are Mialee and Skabb, who both roll a d20 - Skabb rolls a 3, and Mialee a 4. The second tie break is between Zorya and Valeros - Zorya rolls a 14, and Valeros an 18.

Mialee wins overall, with Skabb second, Valeros third and Zorya as a runner up. It was close; we all were within 1 or 2 points of each other, the DM tells us.

We take the powder back to the village and are awarded with the magic items by Tallywhacker (Skabb hides a poo in his office). These will be converted into magic items for our main campaign, and Zorya wins a potion as a runner-up prize. The talk turns a bit scatological after that, but we have saved the day! And maybe done really good things for the gnomes. Yay!

The DM tells us that it is our duty to remind him to Keep It Simple, Stupid, for next year so we don’t end up with another two month Christmas Special. I don’t know… I kinda like it. :)

[christmas-shenanigans]

Session 6: 6 Jan 2024!!

Skabb may or may not join us as she’s not feeling well this week. She will give it a try! We start with a delightful conversation about the links between having all your teeth pulled out and heart disease. I’m sure that’ll help Skabb feel better. (Actually it probably would.)

Wee Jock wants to grab Santa by the beard and punch him in the face. Skabb: “Did you not get what you wanted for Christmas?”

The DM says this will be the last session, because we’re too far away from Christmas for his liking now. Fair.

Off we go then! An Elf does this at Valeros:

“I will not be hunted,” Valeros announces. It flings a snowball at him. The faerie Heals something. Mialee: “We’re going to have to kill her first, aren’t we.”

A gnome steps into the house where Zorya has scattered her caltrops, much to her delight. It whacks her with its candy cane sword. Well, it tries, but misses. Another goes for Skabb and also misses. DM: “Well that’s just embarrassing.”

Can Skabb curl herself across the ice, as Halbrecht says, “When they bowl that big cheese and then sweep up after it like on the Olympics”? No, but she can smash the thin decorative windows as part of her movement. She jumps into Valeros’ building, and bites one of the gnomes.

Wee Jock wants to know the range on a javelin. 30 feet, it turns out. In that case he will take a running jump through a window and into another building. We’re in twee Christmas world, so the windows are probably sugar. (They are not, we are told. They would, if sampled, taste ‘owwy and bleedy’.)

Zorya stabs at a gnome and jumps through the window; as she does, the gnome slashes back at her and misses. She cackles at him as she escapes and hides.

Mialee wants to shoot, but wants to know if shooting it through the burning Christmas tree will set it alight. “It’s Christmas, so yes.” She takes aim at a bauble bomber, singing “Ding Dong Merrily You Die,” helpfully narrated by Wee Jock. Crit hit! She rolls a D4 for the fire damage, a 2, and then crits her Crit Damage:

All of us: “Dead? Dead, DM? Dead???”

DM: “No, but she gets another point toward her magic item score.”

Mialee attacks again, and crits again. “How about now?”

DM: “… Yes, alright, dead.”

Valeros strikes at the gnome in front of him. He gets a howdedoodis! He holds the gnome up and slices its head off, handing it to Skabb as a gift. Sadly, it disappears.

He wants to run and tackle the faerie to the ground, but he doesn’t have enough actions and has no ability that will let him do both as part of one action. He runs away and eats some pies he finds in the next house instead.

It’s like an episode of Shameless, with all of us running around all over the shop. Halbrecht looks around to see if he can see where we all are; sadly a lot of us are hidden from view. He decides to save his spell slots for healing, and moves toward the Christmas tree. “Instead of barrelling through windows like everyone else seems to be doing, I’m just going to go through the door. Like a normal person. I’m old, I can’t, like… my knees!” He casts Guidance on Wee Jock, and then he’s got one more action. He will Recall Knowledge on the hot ginger, as she seems to be in charge. He does a Nature check for 17. She is the Christmas Faerie, and has powerful healing spells and protective magic. She’s not one for attacking. He shouts something to that effect to the rest of us.

Does 25 hit Zorya? It does, no matter how indignant she is about it. She takes 25 Wooden Spoon damage from Mrs Claus:

Plus sneak attack, which really pisses her off.

Skabb should consider herself Hunted; she says she considers herself nonchalant about this fact. Which lasts until she is hit with a snowball. She can ignore the Cold damage, as she is an ice goblin. She gets hit again.

A Christmas Elf punches Valeros but misses, as he has cover. Another elf Hunts Halbrecht. “Can you tell him to not.” He is then hit with a snowball. Resignedly: “… okay.”

More throw snowballs at Valeros. “Ladies… calm down.” Then a bauble bomber hits him with a red bauble, a green (acid, which misses) and then a blue (cold, also misses). Another can see Halbrecht. “I beg to differ,” he says, and raises his shield. One of each colour, “just for balance,” the DM adds cheerfully. The green one hits him, meaning he takes 5 persistent acid damage every round unless he cleans it off.

One throws a red bauble at Skabb. “Does 24 hit you?” “… Fuck you.”

The faerie moves away from Valeros. Valeros: “She’s not allowed.”

A gnome flanks Zorya with Mrs Claus. “What? Wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on…” It hits her for 8 damage with its candy cane.

17 candy cane attack misses Skabb. “Haha, no!”

She is up. “Oh, I had such plans, and now look at these fuckers, they’ve tracked me.” She bites “this gnomey bastard” for 10 damage, and then bites him again, Hero Points it and still misses. “Myeeehhhhh. Then I would like to… hmm…” She gives her last action to give Grabby Cat two, and wants her to join Skabb in the room on the other side of the gnome so he’s flanked, and pull his hat down over his eyes. Sleight of Paw check - well, Thievery, because she’s stealing his dignity - of 18. He has to take an action to pull his hat back up or take a penalty on attacks, yay!

Wee Jock drops his elixirs of life on the floor toward Halbrecht - “Your first unselfish act! You’re growing as a person!” the DM tells him, and gives him a Hero Point. He uses his Bracelet of Dashing to get more movement, and then uses something called Sudden Charge. He can stride twice and attack as an action, so he does, through a window, and “in traditional Wee Jock style, start killing my way through these people.” Screaming the whole way. 28 hits and he’s raging, so that’s six more bludgeoning damage on top of the weapon for 20 total. While still screaming.

Zorya, not a fan of this flanking business, scuttles up a drainpipe (taking 13 more damage on the way), across the roof, drops down on the other side and hides. 22 is a better roll; she’s more confident that she’s hidden.

Mialee can see Wee Jock, a fighting elf and a bomber, and two more elves. “I wish I’d killed that goddamn faerie.” She is hidden, so she’ll get sneak attack. 19 damage on something, I don’t hear what. She shoots again but 21 is a miss because it has partial cover. She hides with a 28 sneak roll.

Valeros busts through a window “Crotch first”, and gets stabby. 26 hits. He explains to Skabb that he can’t hit her again. “That’s your problem. You’ve got a long sword but no staying power.” Valeros: “… I have no retort for that.”

Halbrecht takes his acid damage, wipes it off, and runs to scoop up Wee Jock’s elixirs. He uses his last bit of movement to follow Wee Jock. He has no actions left so he will stand there looking heroic as he adds the elixirs “to… my nonsense.”

Mrs Claus hides, and goes on a sniff looking for people to wallop with her spoon. She doesn’t attack again, so presumably she hasn’t found anyone.

Zorya has found herself close to an elf, but luckily she’s too busy throwing snowballs at Skabb to notice a sneaky halfling dropping down off a roof. All the snowballs miss. Skabb: “Up your bum, lady!”

Valeros might be mutually hunting the elf that is hunting him, and he thinks this is very sexy. Wee Jock: “This episode is… erotically charged.”

Something runs past Wee Jock, and he has to take a second to check if he can hit it as it goes by. Long pause, then: “… oh, excellent. I have this thing - and she’s more than welcome to run - but it’s called No Escape.” He just follows her.

DM, laughing: “You little pest!”

“I pursue. With great glee.”

Valeros is hit by the elf ladies that have him flanked. “This is still the best day ever, by the way.”

Bauble bombers, and Skabb decides that 20 and 25 don’t hit her, but hit the bomber’s friends. She does take some damage, but it’s very reluctant. Another takes aim at Halbrecht. “That’s who I am! Stop it!” he shouts. Then Wee Jock and Valeros, but all of them miss.

Something stabs Skabb through the window. She has four whole hit points left afterwa- no, she’s dead. “Bye!” She doesn’t fade from existence, but makes a Death - no, she’s going to use her Hero Points. She wants to use her Wand of Healing, but there’s no description - the DM tells her to roll a D4. She rolls a 4, so it’s a fourth level wand! She can cast Heal at fourth level - if the DM decides she can use her actions after reviving. It’s Christmas so he does. She is warned that if she moves, the elves will get attacks of opportunity. “Maybe I’ll start selling cheese, if all I can do is heal.” Halbrecht, drily: “Wow.”

Skabb does some biting instead. crit! and how de doo dis! “With as much mess as I can make!”

Halbrecht, genuinely impressed: “I didn’t know you could eat that much gnome in six seconds!”

Wee Jock is fond of fighting next to the princess (Valeros, I assume). “She seems to know how to handle herself.” He strikes, Hero Points it and gets a howdy doodis! “I smash it in the head with a hammer, and the hammer hits the floor. I cut it in half with the hammer.” Valeros is the only thing nearby, but there appear to be things through the window so Wee Jock leaps through it after them. He whiffs the last attack. “This guy’s on my list.”

Zorya shoots the elf in front of her, then repeats the drainpipe trick but remains on the roof, and boshes a potion.

Mialee shoots something with deadly precision, I assume, I was busy writing up my attack. She scans around her and makes a Perception check - 17. She doesn’t spot her quarry (I assume, Mrs Claus). She Hero Points it and crits! She spots Mrs Claus, sneaking into the building with Skabb.

Skabb, annoyed: “Why is everyone coming to play in my room?”

Valeros is heading to the boudoir. He walks right into a snowball, as one of the elves had a readied action. 30 hits for 8 damage. DM: “He’s being a pest! They’re allowed to defend themselves.” He finds the faerie and hits her for 15 slashing damage, and slams a potion.

Halbrecht’s connection to the server is disrupted, but he takes a potion when it comes back. He will then “run up to the little fucker in front of me and hit him with my hammer.” DM: “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather heal him?” “… I’m going to say no this time.” The DM rolls for him as he’s still having internet issues, but rolls badly, so Halbrecht asks to use a Hero point. 20 hits! 10 damage total. Then he drops off Discord as well.

Wee Jock finds himself face to face with Mrs Claus, who wallops him with her spoon and calls him a “Nasty little scamp!” He spits in her mouth as she speaks, like a llama.

An elf throws a snowball at Grabby Cat, and hits. (Halbrecht rejoins, yeah!) It then Hunts Prey at Mialee and starts slinging snowballs at her but they all miss. “Hurrah!” They start slinging them at Valeros as well. “Er, ouch.” Then the bauble bombers start.

“Does a 20 hit you, Halbrecht?” “N- yes!” More baubles at Wee Jock but they all miss except the fire one.

Does Valeros have any attacks of opportunity? “No, but I will give her the eye,” says Valeros as the faerie takes her leave of him and goes and heals herself.

The last standing gnome makes his attacks at Mialee, “on the rare occasion that she’s visible.” 24 and 22 both hit. “It’s only 30 little damage,” says the DM, pleased with himself, and then, even more pleased with himself, “I might kill your death goddess!”

Skabbo’s turn. She’s been stabbed but she doesn’t know where from. She moves. “I’m gonna bite this bitch. Feel my cold grill!” 18 misses. “I think she must have not heard, so I repeat my invitation.” The elf declines again, and Skabb is out of actions. “I’m just going to stand there and await my beating.”

Wee Jock swings at Mrs Claus. 32 will definitely hit. 23, including cold iron damage. Nice! Oh, wait - “Oh, come on!” But it’s okay, she can’t reduce the roll enough to make him miss. Skabb, chanting: “Smash her again!” This one misses. He Hero Points it and still misses. Last attack is a ten. Groaning all around. “Well… that’s me.”

Zorya shoots at Mrs Claus and hits, discovering that she can’t be sneak attacked. Furious, she throws her grappling hook at her instead, Hero Pointing until she hits. Wee Jock, OOC: “Are we about to bear witness to a Christmas lynching?” (Zorya gets a Hero Point for skewering Mrs Claus.)

Mialee gets a howdedoodis! “Yeah! I cut him in half. He’s gone.” She makes her save versus Zorya’s caltrops, fortunately. ("Oh, were those mine? Sorry!") She was going to hide to shoot Mrs Claus, but since it doesn’t make a difference if she’s hidden or not, she just shoots. It misses. “Rats.” She Hero Points it but still misses.

Valeros slams a potion and sees the faerie through a broken window but can’t follow; dejected, he drinks another potion.

Halbrecht assesses Wee Jock’s health, but it’s hard to tell under all the scar tissue. He sees Zorya up on the roof, she looks a bit more ropey, but Wee Jock is closer and more likely to get hit. He wants to avoid ending his turn “standing in the open like a benny,” so he uses the 2-actioner and saves his last action to run away. Wee Jock’s HP is now in the 90s, he tells us.

Mrs Claus will try to pull Zorya off the roof using the rope attached to the grappling hook. “... Yeah. Did not think that through.” (Halbrecht: “Why don’t you just let go of the rope?” Zorya: “Well that would negate the whole point of doing it in the first place.”) Zorya fails the contested Strength check and falls off the roof onto the bauble bomber below. Mrs Claus then pulls out the grappling hook from her leg, taking 3 damage in the process, and turns back to Wee Jock with her spoon. “I’ll take it,” he says. “I’ll give a little chuckle while I do.”

The bomber who just got a surprise halfling in the head takes a swing at her with his staff and misses. More elves take potshots at Valeros. “That hurts me.”

A bomber throws a red bauble at Zorya and hits, and the last one throws all his at Wee Jock. One hits, two miss.

Skabb. “That’s me,” she says, sounding faintly surprised. Wee Jock: “Find the healer, eat her face!” She wants to do a cone spell, but wants to make sure she won’t hit Zorya who is now on the ground in front of Skabb’s window. Sadly she rolls poorly on her Vomit Swarm attack, and they just kind of pile up at her feet. “It’s like having a little bowl of nibbles. I’ll just sit here and crunch up the nasties.” (Pained groaning from everyone else.)

Wee Jock goes for an Intimidating Glare on Mrs Claus. She gets a Will save but biffs it, yeah! Wee Jock goes for another one and she fails again - Frightened 2! He does a third one - she rolls a 30 this time. Frightened 2 should lower her stats a bit. Wee Jock wins a Hero Point.

Zorya spies the faerie through a window, shoots her through it, then scuttles up onto her roof.

Mialee ducks into a doorway and shoots Mrs Claus. DM: “Elder abuse!” Mialee: “One of my favourite targets.” 31 hits, but isn’t a crit in spite of Wee Jock’s intimidation success. She shoots again but 22 is a miss. “Rats!”

Valeros strides across the room and does a complicated acrobatic move out of his building and into the faerie’s. His Powerful Leap gives him an extra five feet. It’ll take two actions. “Yes. But it’ll look fucking cool.” 25 Athletics will do it, and he lands on the table. In slow motion. Gracefully. To musical accompaniment; something orchestral. Or the Baywatch music. DM, laughing: “Have a Hero Point.” For his last action he would like to hit her with his sword, with a single tear. A Manly tear. For what might have been.

Halbrecht wipes off the acid again, and runs up to Mrs Claus “wielding my mighty hammer! Oho, twenty three!” It misses, so he Hero Points it. 21 is even more of a miss. “I look sad.”

We debate for a minute, and decide that in spite of the DM’s reluctance to carry on the Christmas Special into the second week of January, that’s what we’ll do. We ask the sick one and the pregnant one if they can manage another round; consensus is yes so we continue on for a bit.

Mrs Claus wallops Halbrecht with her spoon, rolling exactly his AC and annoying him. Luckily she’s Frightened still, so actually she just misses. 35 (down to 34) still hits Wee Jock though.

An elf throws some snowballs at Valeros, who announces with each attack that they miss without waiting to see what the numbers are. Lucky for him, he’s right. Another throws snowballs at Wee Jock, a hit and a miss.

Zorya takes one in the face. “… I’m not having a good day, lads.” Wee Jock: “But you did fishhook Mrs Claus.”

More bombs, at Wee Jock and Halbrecht, then Valeros. The faerie moves away from Valeros. “Fuck sake!” (Halbrecht: “I’ve figured it out… You’re Pepe LePew!”)

Skabb’s turn. She casts Goblin Song, “Christmas time! Something Gross and Slime!”, and gets a Hero Point. She uses her Loud Singer feat on top:

She uses an action to give Grabby Cat two, and has her fly toward Mrs Claus and sit on her shoulder. She gives her two more actions to have her play cute and be a distraction, maybe even try and get Mrs Claus to follow her away from the fight. Grabby Cat must make a Performance check and has to crit in order for this to work. She rolls an 8.

Wee Jock goes for more Intimidation but Mrs Claus ain’t having none of it. He hits her with his hammer instead, “loosen the lid a little bit.” Skabb: “Just batter her! Make old lady jam!” He tries one more intimidation attempt, but it fails.

Zorya shoots at the bauble bomber that hit her last round, and after adding up all her damage bit by bit (crit hit, fire arrow, cold iron bow, sneak attack) does actually kill him in one shot. She knocks his corpse through the window behind him, where he lands in a crumpled heap at Mialee’s feet. She shoots at Mrs Claus “Because I don’t like her,” but misses.

Valeros goes back out his window and in through another, finding himself in bed with two ladies. “Let’s slay some ladies!” He crits his attack for 31 damage but doesn’t kill her. He attacks again. “How about now? Oh - How about a Hero Point? How about now?” The second attack is still a miss, sadly.

Halbrecht only has 18 hit points so he’ll have to use some of his healing on himself. “Now I’m going to administer the hammer.” 18 misses. “With predictably poor results.” He stares at the hammer as if it’s affronted him purposely.

Well, that’s the round. Do we want to see Santa…? Well, he’ll be a broken man after we kill Mrs Claus, so if he escapes it’ll set him up for a revenge arc next year. Also, we get a vote on the magic item competition, which may or may not sway the DM’s decision. We are to vote as our characters; Valeros immediately decides to vote for himself. Natch.

[christmas-shenanigans]

Session 5 Thu 28 Dec 2023

We get a message from Halbrecht; “I’m not as late as last time.” As evidence, he sends a picture of his speed blur:

Oh shit Goose fight! The first thing that happens is that Bosley and Guts both disappear… :(

Wee Jock has just taken his turn, so we move on to Halbrecht. Is anyone hurt? Valeros has taken some damage. He casts Guidance on himself and makes an attack - Searing Light. 14 misses, so he Hero Points it for 13. Balls. Meemoo is unimpressed with his pathetic attempt. (Her words, not mine.) He looks embarrassed as a free action and hopes no-one saw.

It’s the munchkin’s turn. The DM magnanimously decides that she won’t turn invisible again, and instead casts Heal on the Goose since it’s her only purpose in life. (Only a 2-actioner; Zorya is disappointed.)

Valeros shouts to Wee Jock - “How sturdy are you?” From next to the giant Goose, Wee Jock plants his feet and nods. “Sturdy.” Valeros runs at him and leaps, using Wee Jock as a stepping stone (Wee Jock does not move an inch) - he makes an Acrobatics check, a 24 - and strikes with his cold iron sword! And… misses. He Hero Points it and turns it into a hit! (He wants to pat Wee Jock on the head and say “good lad”, though he is warned against it.)

Zorya has three things she wants to do - hide, stab, and run away, but she is conflicted as to the order. Mialee points out that the Goose is flanked, so she will get her sneak attack damage regardless - so she stabs it, crits, runs away and hides. In that order.

Skabb isn’t sure what she wants to do. She does some measuring, while there is an in-depth discussion about Dirty Dancing in the background. (The eventual outcome is that it’s not that Dirty, but it is in fact, Seedy.) “Have you decided what you want to do yet,” Valeros asks her after a minute. “Well,” she says uncertainly, and the next thing I hear is the unmistakable sound of a cork being pulled from a whiskey bottle. She decides to run up to the munchkin and grapple it. Athletics check - Nat 20 for a 27! The munchkin is restrained until the end of Skabb’s next turn, so she bites it in the neck. 26 to attack, for 6 bitey damage and 14 cold iron damage!

The Goose, absent a Zorya to chew on, turns to Valeros and Wee Jock; the latter lets out a roar. It hisses, unleashing a breath weapon in a cone at them. They get a reflex save; they just need a 29 or more, the DM adds casually. Valeros rolls a 15 and announces, “I am dead.” Wee Jock rolls a 10. There is a dead princess and a small boy now lying unconscious at its feet. WJ: “I will be striking Valeros as soon as I wake up.”

Grabby Cat must make a Reflex save, as the Goose is on the move. 26! She only takes 8 Cold damage from the Goose Chill ability. It can’t see Zorya, even though she’s right there, because she rolled a 30 stealth. (Heh heh heh.)

Skabb points out that Grabby Cat is higher in the air than the Goose Chill can technically reach, and the DM retracts the damage.

Wee Jock says he wants to beat Valeros to wellness with his health truncheon. (Retching noises, from I think Skabb.) They both ask me specifically to add this to the blog, so there we go.

(There is talk of shotting something, I don’t hear what, but the DM says it’s too early in the evening. I tell them I’m day drinking over here, whiskey and eggnog coffee to be exact, and earn myself a Hero Point! In honour of me, they do shots. Yeah. Now we’re playing some D& fuckin’ D!)

Mialee will stab the munchkin, 30 to attack! Cries of, “Is it dead?!” She gets her Sneak attack and crit damage, and the DM adds it up. “Howdedoodis!” We all cheer. Mialee thinks for a moment. “I’m just going to cut off her head, so that it’s still in Skabb’s mouth.” She decides to hide for her last action, as that Goose is bloody deadly. She crits her Stealth check and just fuckin vanishes.

“She turns, she beheads, she vanishes into the night. That’s pretty cool,” says the DM, allowing an edge of admiration to creep into his voice.

Does WJ come back with a hit point, if he uses a Hero Point? It’s Christmas, so why not. He wants to come back and punch Valeros in the crotch for the pat on the head. So he does. 14 to attack, and his fist bounces off Valeros’ armour. Wee Jock stands, and hits the Goose. 12 misses.

Halbrecht can’t see Wee Jock or Valeros to heal them both, so he’s told to hit the ruddy Goose. He asks if he can move to do the 3-Actioner, as it’s Christmas... He uses the 3 actioner to heal Valeros for 13.

It’s Valeros’ turn - he picks himself up and dust himself off, noticing the pain in his groin and ignoring it - it’s not the first time he’s woken up with a pain down there. He and Wee Jock both have to take some ice damage, from something the Goose did last round, but they get saving throws. He moves, ties a rope around the Goose’s legs, and tries to trip it. “Just a very gobshitey trip action, basically,” the DM sums up. The Goose makes a Reflex save of 19, and Valeros rolls 25 Athletics - the Goose trips and falls prone! For his third action, Valeros steals its hat and strikes a pose. “It’s not all about stabbing the Goose, you know.” Skabb: “You just died. Maybe it IS all about stabbing the Goose.”

Zorya shoots at the Goose, misses, Hero Points it and hits, climbs the tree next to her and hides. “You could shoot it again!” Skabb tells her. “Listen, Zorya cares about Zorya and that’s it,” she is told.

Skabb has a question; when we recalled knowledge, did we find out that it was immune to cold? It is, in fact, she is informed. Not everything here will be, we are warned. “Talk amongst yourselves,” Skabb says as she re-examines her plan. Is it immune to water, she asks, stretching her luck and the DM’s Christmas generosity. No, she is told, so she casts Elemental Betrayal to make water damage hurt it more, and then Hydraulic Push. 27 to hit, and it does. Nice.

The Goose takes an action to stand up, and another to attempt to free itself from its binds. It’s less Christmassy now that Valeros has its hat, so that makes it weaker, right? Right? Valeros makes a Dex check as the Goose pulls on the rope; a 12. Yikes. He slips off the Goose and tumbles to the ground. Does it make a Godzilla scream, Wee Jock wants to know, cueing everyone to do their best Godzilla impression. The Goose rolls a 31 Althetics, beating Valeros. It turns and bites him for 21 damage plus 1 cold. “Is there a reduction in damage because of the Christmas hat I am now wearing,” Valeros asks. We all argue with the DM, who will give him an offer - he can drop to 1hp if he will accept a magic item point reduction. He chooses to drop dead.

Mialee takes a shot at the Goose - 26 hits and she crits her damage roll for a total of 22 including Sneak and Cold Iron damage. She is revealed, however. She shoots again but misses. She Hero Points it and gets a 28 for 9 damage plus 5 sneak attack (the Goose is flanked by Grabby Cat) and gets the Howdy Doodis!

“My arrow goes through its eyes.”

All the corpses on the floor disappear and we hear the sound of Christmas bells and we get all our hit points and spell slots back! The spellcasters can pick new spells if they want. On the bad side, we hear a ‘Christmas-based alarm’…

There is a long tangent about ugly little Spanish guys in general, and Loghain from WoT in particular. (Sorry Skabb. He’s got kwonky little eyes.)

The DM can look at fun things on the map now, that we can’t see yet. The barrier to the village is down, hence the alarm (which the DM can’t be arsed to decide precisely what it is, which, fair). We look around as the DM asks for a marching order. Wee Jock messes up Skabb’s barn. “He hit me in my hair,” she complains.

New map new map new map! (Rosamund Pike tangent.) (Valeros: “Uhhhhh… Yeah, no, not for me.”)

We are warned that the DM intends to kill us before this is over, so we are to prepare all our best shit. The spellcasters shuffle some things around, while the rogues and fighters just sort of look at each other. Long pause, during which I make another drink and find my Christmas chocolates, and the others discuss spells and start playing bad Christmas songs in the background.

The DM throws us a bone and tells Mialee and Zorya to go scouting. Anything we see is preparing for the fight to come, we are told. We are shown several images of the creatures we see:

(Halbrecht doesn’t want to kill the ‘hot’ ones, in which category he is including the Bauble Bombers.) There are a lot, our scouts report. We are not equipped for a siege, Wee Jock points out.

We’ve got to be strategic. Wee Jock thinks we could use the buildings and shoot from the windows. Halbrecht will hang back and do healing. Valeros’ only plan is to, quote, “Drown in a sea of redheads”. If we can use the buildings we can maybe funnel them out towards us.

Zorya breaks into a building, and we discuss using the furniture as a barricade. We need a healer in each house, Skabb says, so she should go in one and Cheese Boy in the other. Mialee sneaks into the other house from Zorya, and Halbrecht and Wee Jock join her. The others join Zorya.

We spend another five minutes planning until Valeros says, “I am leaving.” He’s spotted the redhead in the second rank. Skabb tells him to think of his bruised dick, give it a rest for the day. We all dissolve into dick jokes until Skabb threatens to bust out her Vomit Swarm spell, at which point the DM abandons us to our madness and goes and gets another beer.

Skabb wants to Grease the ground. She could prepare Vomit Swarm instead…? She decides on Grease, as Zorya wants to set the huge tree on fire. (Wee Jock asks her to shout ‘Acid Splash’ in a Gideon voice as she does it. Inside joke.)

Turn order for surprise round -

Skabb & Grabby Cat

Wee Jock

Zorya

Mialee

Valeros

Halbrecht

Well, here we go!

Skabb casts Grease, and draws the area on the map, aiming for the front row of Gnome Guards. They fail their Dexterity saves! She has an action left - she gives Grabby Cat two actions. GC will take Skabb’s torch and fly out the chimney (lighting it on the fire on the way) and drop it on the Greasy Gnomes. They light up!

Wee Jock writes a one-word letter: “Surendereee” (sic), ties it to the back of a javelin, and throws it into one of the gnomes. 20 to attack - misses. Cries of “WHAT!” He does an Intimidating Glare instead and growls, “Read the letter.” 12 Intimidation versus their Will DC which is 10 - he wins. He is Frightened 1! He has another go at another of the elves. 27, woof. Critical success! Frightened 2, and he has heavied his knickers.

Zorya shoots an Oil of Fire arrow at the tree and sets it alight, and the DM unleashes an awesome Fire animatic, which heats up the bottom of Halbrecht’s computer. She shoots at one of the barrels in the barrier behind the gnomes, and the flaming arrow sizzles and goes out. She takes aim at one of the bauble bombers and hits with her third attack. Pleased to be the Best One, she ducks down behind the window. “Second best,” Valeros ‘corrects’ her.

Mialee does some stuff that I don’t hear because they’re all talking at once lol. She gets sneak attack damage though! She doesn’t need to hide as she’s out of their eye line.

Valeros has a question. His shirt is off, his resistance is lowered, if he were to jump through a window, if he is Greased will he catch fire? If he goes in a fire, yeah, he is told. He wants to jump out of our window and in through the window of another building. He can, but it’ll take two of his actions. He does, and peers out of another window at the gnomes and faeries arrayed against us. “There’s so much stuff in my way,” he says. He posts up in a corner and raises his shield.

Halbrecht. “Hi there. I got fuckin’ nothing.” He could go outside and aggro - we squash that idea. He moves up to a window and readies a healing spell for the first person he sees who needs it. (It is a cheese-based healing spell, we are told.)

Now the other side start rolling Intitative…

The elves go first. The back line opt to do nothing, which is… worrying. The flaming gnomes pat themselves out and come into the house where Valeros is cowering, alone. “Let’s not forget, I’ve raised my shield.” They start using their candy canes on him. Skabb: “I think you’re gonna die, my love.” The only one with enough actions left to attack, misses him.

Skabb gets a turn. She does Vomit Swarm, yeah! She chooses scorpions. Wee Jock, proudly: “arachno-chunder.” One of her targets fails his save and is Sickened. She then casts Clinging Ice on the gnome outside Valeros’ door. It fails the save and takes full damage - a whopping one, but also gets a speed penalty.

Wee Jock moves to the door of his building and strikes the Gnome on the other side of it. 18 damage, and he goes again but misses. Then he will obstruct the doorway with his physical being. He can insta-rage if one of them hits him.

Zorya goes God-mode and crits TWICE, killing the gnome outside hers and Skabb’s building (she pins it to the floor, like in the Omen with the church spire), and shoots at the one outside Valeros’ door. She misses, Hero Points it and hits! “Who’s the best now, Valeros?? Still me.”

Mialee hits one with a 28 for 9 damage but no sneak attack. She stabs one and crits, then crits her damage roll and gets a howdedoodis! “He somehow blocks the door with his corpse.” She gets a Hero Point.

Valeros notices the gentlemen who have joined him in the room. He does 30 damage, but the gnome is still kicking in spite of Halbrecht asking the DM to check his maths. He crits his next attack! “Is he dead NOW, DM?” Valeros wins a Hero Point. The gnome “turns into viscera. Just… just viscera.” He bashes another with his shield and does another 9 damage.

(Something about Mexican queefing? There have been a lot of shots this evening.)

Wee Jock, OOC: “I never thought the day would come when we are sitting around playing dungeons and dragons and eating budget Ferrero Rocher, and arguing about who can queef and who cannot.”

Halbrecht will throw out a Divine Lance. Skabb: “We’ve all heard about your Divine Lance.” He will “administer my Divine Lance at this bearded gentleman here. Don’t make it weird.” 23 hits! Eyyyy! One damage! He does add his Spellcasting modifier though, which brings it to four. (It would not have hit at all, but for the token the Kayak gave him.) He has an action left. Should he use it to make cheese…? He casts Guidance on Wee Jock instead; the gnome is already flexing and roaring.

The Christmas elves take a turn. None of them move. The bauble bombers also stay where they are. Skabb shouts that they are trying to draw us out, and we shouldn’t fall for it. The gnome guards attack Valeros but miss. A gnome busts down Skabb and Zorya’s door. Zorya: “No!”

Wee Jock is attacked - 32 probably hits. But - he is now raging. “What’s 88 minus 15?” he asks. Does 28 hit Halbrecht? It does, and he takes 9 piercing damage.

Skabb’s turn, and she will sustain her Vomit Swarm. She rolls again, and they re-roll their saves. One crit-fails and takes 24 damage. Skabb casts Fireball at the Christmas Faerie at the back! She rolls 26 Reflex save… boo. The Bauble Bombers fail their saves, and the Christmas Elf crits hers. Skabb gets a Hero Point! (Halbrecht sings: “ohhhhhh… Your gnome is on fiiiiiire…”)

Wee Jock takes some swings with his hammer - 32 to hit will do the job. In fact, that’s a crit! He rolls his crit damage and adds six Rage and five for cold damage. Howdedoodis! He hits it “in the top of the head and it splashes into an explosion of bits. It’s suuuuuuper gross.” He grabs the next one by the scruff and pulls it into the room. Athletics check versus the Gnome’s Fortitude - Wee Jock crit fails and still beats the DC. He pulls the gnome through the window and punches him in the chops. He screams “SURENDA!” in its face, using the gnomish spelling.

Zorya stabs at the gnome in front of her through the window but misses, so she scatters her caltrops just inside the door instead.

Mialee reaches around a door and stabs a gnome with her rapier. It’s flat-footed so 19 hits, and she gets sneak attack as well! 27 also hits, but she only does 2 damage - but she also gets sneak attack again as her target is being garrotted by Wee Jock.

Valeros Valeros! He strikes with a 30 and crits his damage for 20! Seconds strike for 25 and more critical damage! Howdedoodis! “My oiled chest reflects - hold on - you can see the pain in the gnomes eyes as I cut him in half. And then I - yes, he’s dead.” He gets a third strike against another gnome and hits for 13.

Halbrecht swings his hammer. “I drag the old hammer out, I blow off the cobwebs - ” He can’t use it two handed, because he’s only got one hand. (“How do you shape your cheese,” Mialee asks offhandedly.) 18 wouldn’t normally hit but it’s flanked so he does 14 damage! 22 also hits - Howdedoodis!

“I did a murder! That’s the first murder I done in ages!” Valeros gives him a thumbs up through the window. “I’m glad that it can’t hurt my friends any more.”

On that momentous occasion, in the glow of a burning Christmas tree, we end there as it’s past Mialee’s bedtime. :)

[christmas-shenanigans]

Session 4: Fri 22 Dec 2023

Last session before Christmas! I was out last week so let’s see if I can catch up. Halbrecht is late; we get a WhatsApp message: “I am late.” We are joined this week by Bosley, and his pseudodragon Guts!

(Apologies if I have misheard some of the following...)

We need to speak to the Kayak to get access to the fey world, in order to locate a potion of flying from that place. (I know it's Cailleach. I can't be bothered typing that every time.) This is the final ingredient needed by Cuthwulf Toggleswock, who is trying to make a cure for the Bleaching, a condition that afflicts gnomes who have been away from the fey realm for too long.

We have a key, which we can try to offer the Kayak as payment:

Who is most diplomatic? Valeros has a plus 8, so we shove him forward. He tosses his hair and looks nonchalant as he holds up the key. The Kayak raises an eyebrow. “Careful with that, boy.”

Wee Jock bangs his hammer on the ground and demands that she “show us the way to Christmas Land, hag!” He gets kicked from Roll20 before he can roll Diplomacy. He rejoins and rolls a 5. Valeros slaps a hand over his mouth, and they roll contested Dex checks; Valeros wins, so Wee Jock drops his hammer on Valeros’ foot.

The Kayak looks at Skabb and says that she bears the mark of her sisters. She says that if the goblins wanted to know something from her, they would have sent their wisdom. We call the ugly goblin forward - she’s a Wisdom! Skabb produces the little pet things as well and exhibits them. Mini Wise One!

You haven’t come here on behalf of Pinereek, the Kayak says. No, but we’re here because of Tallywhacker! Wangledong! We’re here to help save the gnomes! Skabb makes a Diplomacy check. 20!

The Kayak points at the Key. “Bring it here.” Skabb brings Valeros forward. He is holding the key between his tensed pecs; he jiggles them. She snatches the Key. How many of us have been to the Fey world? The Kayak points at Half-Brick. “Your Gods have no sway in the First World.” His magic will be patchy over there... She gives him a token to make his magic work when we get there.

Nothing we kill will stay dead, and no damage we do will be fatal, we are warned.

She gives Skabb a scroll to help her open the gateway. We will need to perform a ritual. She has given Klipp Klopp the knowledge of the location. Perform the ritual there and the gate will open.

There is a guard that will attempt to prevent entry to Christmas Land; the only way in is to defeat him.

We head back to Pinereek for a rest. (Before we go, Valeros just wants to check - she doesn’t find him at all attractive, does she? He receives a flat ‘no’ for an answer.)

The goblins are still working their way through the gert squiggler. (Skabb stuffs some in Zorya’s mouth; she spits it out. Skabb waits until no-one is looking to scoop up the discarded squiggler and put it back in her pocket.)

We rest, and get back all hit points, spell slots, and focus points. (Not normally allowed in Pathfinder, but it’s Christmas. Yay!)

Valeros drinks heavily when we get back, staring into a mirror and wondering why the hag doesn’t think he’s the sexiest thing she’s ever laid eyes on. He begins crying uncontrollably. Skabb offers him a paper bag “so you don’t have to worry about how hideous you are!” Mialee pats him half-heartedly on the shoulder, and Halbrecht offers him some cheese.

While we are drinking the door opens and Rokmoxa appears looking angry. “Where is she?” Skabb tries to scrabble away, but she grabs her by the ankle. She’s looking for Zorya. “Where are my herbs?” Zorya plays innocent and starts turning out her pockets. Skabb wants to know what she has and starts sniffing her. There is a faint smell of herbs about her, but we’ve just been in the Kayak’s cave. Rokmoxa warns Zorya to watch her back if she ever comes back to this village. Zorya, laughing: “Okay!”

We must follow Klipp Klopp the following morning, to the place where we are to perform the ritual to open the gate to Christmas Land. Skabb spends the journey trying to convince Klipp Klopp to come with her after this adventure, to no avail. We traipse through the forest for quite some time before we see this:

In the woods near the portal is a half orc and a pseudodragon, eating cheese. It’s Bosley and Guts!

He knows some of us, so he puts his cheese down and joins us.

We take out the scroll. Skabb will need help casting the ritual - we have an arcane trickster and a cleric who might be able to do the job. Cheese Boy 1 and the Tricksome Elf step forward.

Arcana check from Mialee - nat 1 for a 14 total but that’s enough. Zorya notices low-grade magic appear as Mialee sprinkles powders, but nothing has changed yet. Halbrecht nat 20’s his Religion check! Some of the snowflakes on the portal start to glimmer and shine. Skabb is next with her Primal magic. 14 Nature check, and that’s enough after Halbrecht’s crit.

The portal opens and we go through…

Bosley mentions that he saw someone else come along and try to open the portal earlier, but they apparently failed.

Skabb looks down at her pocket full of squiggler to see Guts trying to get a bite; she feeds him some.

Zorya finds some bugs for Skabb; they are shiny and not gross at all. She waits until the others are occupied to give them to her and quietly apologise for spiting out the squiggler. Skabb is very pleased and squishes them to make them gross enough to be palatable. They tinkle as she crushes them. (And scream, I think?)

We remember about the Guardian; Wee Jock readies his hammer and farts in preparation. Skabb scuttles up a tree and readies a fireball. Mialee and Zorya also scale trees. Bosley readies his crossbow. Valeros scouts ahead, with Wee Jock following.

The snow gets heavier, almost blizzard-ish. (Valeros is still depressed. Wee Jock: "Would a prostitute help?" Valeros: “I shouldn’t have to pay.” WJ: "Don’t worry, I’ll pay." V, cheering up instantly: "Goddammit, I’m in!")

We hear an awful noise and coming up the path is this:

We make Will saves, some of us re-rolling with Hero Points. Even so, most of us are Frightened…

The Goose attacks Valeros, as he has found himself face to face with it. He makes a Reflex save against its Goose Chill, but fails and takes the damage. It makes a multi-attack against him as well.

Zorya shoots, but even a 22 doesn’t hit. She hides again.

Skabb had a fireball readied, so she is allowed to use it before she takes her turn.

(This Goose is a re-skinned regular D&D creature; Mialee guesses an adult white dragon and she’s right.)

Bosley uses his readied action to mark the Goose as his prey:

Skabb casts Elemental Betrayal, choosing to amplify Fire damage. She then casts Fireball. The Goose steps neatly out of the way. DM, smug: “He will take none of the damage, thank you.”

The Goose moves and does a Goose Chill, hitting Wee Jock:

It then does its Breath Weapon attack, hitting everyone but Valeros and Zorya:

Mialee is hidden, so can sneak attack - if she hits. 25 will do it! It takes 15 damage, which is more than she rolled… Cold iron weapon, likely. 12 is a miss, and she uses her last action to hide.

Wee Jock can rage as a reaction so he is already there. He has Titan Wrestler, so he has a go at tripping it. Athletics check against the Goose’s Reflex DC - he rolls a 24. That’s a fail… He swings at it with his hammer instead, and does an extra 6 Rage damage on top of the 10 he rolls for the weapon. It takes 21! Those are good numbers. He will grapple it! “I’ll grab it by the neck. That’s how you grapple a goose,” he says, knowledgeably. 28 Athletics this time. Can he scream at it as a free action?

Halbrecht heals Skabb for 27 HP. He casts Guidance on Wee Jock as well, by using an obscene gesture.

Valeros and Wee Jock make Perception checks; 12 and 17 respectively. Wounds start to heal over on the Goose… (Skabb asks Zorya how she would feel about stealing a heart out of a chest…)

Skabb and Mialee make Perception checks, as does Halbrecht - Mialee sees that some sort of magic has been cast on the Goose. Halbrecht can see it was healing magic, and Skabb sees that it came from behind the Goose.

Valeros scales the Goose - 26 Athletics. “Time to get slashy.” He stabs the Goose with a 32, which hits for 18 damage, and it takes 23. The Goose sprays some freezing blood on him, doing him 7 cold damage and slowing him for 1 round.

Bosley has never played Pathfinder before, he’s a D&D kind of half-orc, so there is a lot of sorting out that happens while he grapples with the mechanics of the game. He shoots the Goose first of all, 25 hits for 9 piercing! He moves over to a tree, and uses his last action to give Guts two actions. Guts flies up into the Goose’s face. He dazzles the Goose, meaning we are all Concealed!

Zorya crits her next attack doing 33 damage total! She hits twice more, earning herself two Hero Points and a new epithet - Goosebane. (She doesn’t bother hiding…)

Skabb tracks the source of the healing of the Goose. She uses an action to give Grabby Cat two actions and has her fly 25 feet straight up to look around for whatever is working against us. 21 Perception, but she doesn’t see anything. (Wee Jock, OOC: “Do you remember when 21 was a good roll…”) Skabb shouts “There’s a magic bastard healing this Goose!” She wants to vomit bugs at the Goose, but it will hurt her friends so she runs up and starts gnashing its legs with her cold iron teeth!

The Goose does a Ground Slam attack, forcing a Reflex save from everyone on the ground within 10 feet. It then does a multi attack at Valeros, Skabb and Wee Jock. It is dazzled, so it must roll a d20 before it can attack.

Mialee attacks for 13 piercing plus cold iron damage, then misses twice. Wee Jock swings his hammer and misses, all three actions.

Halbrecht wants to know who’s looking poorly. He could heal us all, but that would heal the Goose as well. He Heals Valeros instead, and casts Guidance on him.

The Goose’s wounds heal up again…

Skabb makes a Perception check - behind the Goose and to the north.

Valeros’ turn, and he would like to swing around the goose with a rope and tie its legs like an AT-AT. DM, dubiously: “… That’s going to be a hell of an Athletics check.” Valeros rolls; “… let me Hero Point that.” He rolls a second 11. “You are dangling there like a limp scrotum.”

He wants to get into its mouth and try to use his own body to choke it to death. He decides to swing to the ground and slash at its knees. 35 crit! 27 damage plus cold iron! He’s just undone most of the healing that our mysterious adversary has bestowed on it. He takes some Freezing Blood damage and is slowed.

Bosley slams a healing potion, regaining 15 hp. (There is a plus 1; he can add that to various saving throws.) His crossbow isn’t loaded. Can he throw it at the Goose? He uses an action to give Guts two, and has him do some damage. 27 hits! Guts does 1 piercing damage. 23 hits as well, as it’s flanked! Another 1 piercing damage.

Zorya shoots three more arrows; only 1 hits but she gets Sneak Attack because it’s flanked.

Skabb has a spell that sends out helpful wood spirits; can she have them search using her Perception modifier? She could, but Grabby Cat rolled really well and couldn’t see the source of the mysterious healing. The DM generously hints that she could use Detect Magic instead. She does that and rolls a Perception check. She gets a ping! She shouts to Mialee and Zorya to tell them where it is.

The Goose has spotted Zorya and flies over to attack her. 27 damage total… Ouch.

Mialee’s turn. She drops out of her tree, and hides in a bush behind the Goose-healer and starts stabbing it. “Stab!” She selects a square to attack as the healer is hidden - and gets the right one. It appears. It may count as a munchkin, and might be roastable:

(Bosley is very excited at the prospect of roast munchkin.)

Wee Jock runs up to the Goose and takes a couple of swings at it - his first attack hits but the second misses.

Everyone is tired, so we call it there…

[christmas-shenanigans]

Session 3: Sat 16 Dec 2023

This week's entry is written by Skabb, as I was unable to attend due to family commitments. With deepest thanks for such a detailed write-up!

"We all cobble together a recap for a hero point each! We’ve all been healed to full HP and Valeros has no lasting eye issues, nor is his ego remotely dented by last week’s shenanigans.

Wise Rokmoxa tells us there is a delicacy in the forest, cornered in a mushroom cave. The Gert Squiggler is big enough to feed the whole village. Halbrecht asks about the mushrooms- they are ‘sacred’ -we suspect that the whole village brews tea and gets shitfaceded!

Skabb recalls knowledge about the squiggler and learns that salt will hurt it. She also knows to keep distance as it has spiked radula that do a lot of damage up close.

We decide to salt our weapons and we collect as much salt as we can off of the gobbo villagers, which isn’t v much at all.

Rokmoxa says she’s keeping our halfling to work off her debt. “Can’t be trusted. No help you”. Skabb runs and hugs Zorya and shouts “byeeeeeee” in her ear.

We go to fight the gert beastie…they weren’t lying…He’s big

Initiative. Squiggler rolls 33 and goes first. Disgorged mucous. Hits weejock - 13 damage and covers everyone in the party, except Skabb who is out of range, with mucous: This means 4 persistent splash damage, -5 to movement speed and it will take 1 action to wash the filth off.

Weejocks turn. He uses 1 action to move behind cover, another to wash off mucus and a third to recall knowledge on the gert squiggler. A 24 means he knows that the creature is resistant to acid damage, has no particular weak spot and can squeeze through 5 ft space, which doesn’t slow it down.

Valeros is up. -4 persistent damage. First he heads to cover. Then washes off all of the slime apart from some which makes his hair look great. Then he leans around the cover and looses his shortbow: 29 hits for 5 piercing damage.

Halfbrick is next. “I’m not even gonna wipe” “He’s going in viscous” He heads to cover. Casts Searing Light, which hits (26) for 17 fire damage The Squiggler lets out the equivalent of a roar. He did not like that.

Mialee, who is hiding in the shadows, is up next. She dutifully takes her persistant damage (splash). Then she salts her arrows for one action. Shoots at it and rolls a 26, which hits, she rolls 3 damage plus sneak damage of 7. It takes 15 meaning salt=1.5 x damage She cleans the slime off of herself.

Skabb goes last. She casts elemental betrayal giving an extra two water damage to any subsequent spell. Then she casts hydraulic push which takes her final two actions. 28 is a hit and does 24 bludgeoning damage, making a total of 26 damage.

Girt boy Tramples weejock and Halfbrick. Both do reflex saving throws. Halfbrick gets a crit and takes no damage Weejock isn’t as lucky, he rolls a 20 and takes 23 bludgeoning damage

Weejock’s turn. He goes into a rage…and then attacks with his salty warhammer. 24 would miss but it is flanked by HB so it takes 22 bludgeoning damage. He hits it again but 20 is a miss, so no more damage.

Valeros swaggers into the fray. He sweeps his hair back with the slime, strides over, uses combat climber to climb up the slug with one hand free and then “gets stabby”. The DM asks for an athletics check -31 - he’s on its head holding on to its eye stalks. He stabs it with his Striking Long Sword, 25 is a hit, for 9 Slashing damage. Majestic.

Halbrecht’s turn He takes his persistent damage -4hp. “I’m going to unleash the warhammer” - 22 misses despite it being flanked. Next he casts Spiritual Weapon, which “just hits”, 9 force damage. The DM explains that its a constant spell so it can be sustained for up to a minute with one action each turn. HB just has to roll damage again next time.

Mialee’s up… She makes a diplomacy check to see if all of her arrows are salted after arguing that they were sticky from slime and she salted the quiver… 20 means all her arrows are definitely salty.

She fires an arrow, 20 misses, she tries again…number 2 attack for 19, which also misses. She rerolls with a hero point but again, 16 misses, she disappears back into the shadows.

Skabb’s turn, She uses one action to give grabby 2. Grabby picks up the salt Skabb is carrying, flies above the gert one and sprinkles… the slug takes 5 damage Then she casts Helpful Wood Spirits to distract the slug by crawling all over it - it fails its saving throw and is off guard (although this doesn’t stack with being flanked and achieves bugger all)

Gert uses its nasty radula on Halbrecht, 28 hits and it does 20 slashing damage, but luckily does not disrupt his continuous spell or his ability to sustain it. Next it turns it radula on Weejock, 39 is a crit and deals 20 bludgeoning damage. Now its attention turns to Skabb. It hurls Disgorged Mucous at her. 26 hits. 15 damage and 4 persistent damage from next turn.

Weejock’s up. He takes -4 from mucus as was squished with its nasty foot. The DM asks for a Diplomacy check -16 - the salt on his warhammer lasts for another hit. Warhammer misses at 16. He re rolls with hero point but also misses at 21. “I should just give up”, but he has another go with his warhammer and this time 26 hits for 15 bludgeoning damage.

Valeros’s turn from atop the beastie… He grabs the eye stalk with one hand, takes his Striking Long Sword to its eye, 25 hits and for 13 slashing chops it off. He slides to the ground, eye in hand. Next he combat climbs again (athletics check of 21) and is back up on its head. He attacks with his longsword again, but 21 misses. He uses a hero point to re roll and hits with a 23. It takes 8 slashing damage.

The slug looks poorly.

Halfbrick: “I’m going to begin by getting spiritual on it” - casts Spritual Weapon for 8 damage. (Valeros: “you are a spiritual weapon”) Then, “I will strike it roughly with a warhammer.” 25 hits. 11 bludgeoning damage. In shock “I hit it,I had the words hero point in my mouth” He tries to hit again but 14 misses. A hero point reroll still misses at 10. “My arms tired now!”

Mialee rolls a 28 and hits with her striking shortbow, delivering 4 damage. Howdedoodis!!! “Whumpf, it hits the deck”

Weejock drags the giant corpse back to the village. The Gobbos are delighted and break into song about squiggler jellies. We watch as the flesh is pulverised by teensie little gobbos with their stamps to create squiggler jelly. This delicacy has a very…unique…texture. Skabb, HB, Valeros and weejock all dig in. Skabb takes some squiggler jelly for Zorya (“sister”), she’s currently washing up filthy gobbo pots and pans, but will join us when we see the cailleach.

We are all healed by the tribe. Full HP. But we do not rest so don,t refill our spell slots.

Wise Rokmoxa tells us that Guardians were made by cailleach to keep her safe. They are magical and will reappear after we destroy them. She warns us that they are very beautiful and we may struggle to hurt them for this reason, so we should steel ourselves. She insists that we take hideous Lilly, klip klop and latlu.

Rokmoxa grabs skabb by the ear and informs her that she can seee through yaklee …”I will see if you do well. Go wild daughter….”

The DM confirms that for killing the squiggler each of us will be given a cold iron weapon…they should be ready when we return from the cailleach’s lair…⁃ Weejock and Halbrecht will each get a warhammer ⁃ There will be a sword for Valeros ⁃ Arrows for Mialee and Zorya ⁃ Skabb is going to get a cold iron grill for biting (bite attack). She is beyond excited about this.

We head off to find the cailleach’s cave and to fight the Guardians that stand between us and her…

All roll stealth. Joes kindly lets us do our own. Weejock gets a crit. Others all roll fairly well…we think!?

Skabb crit fails so runs up a tree and readies a level 3 fireball. She gets a hero point for ballsiness.

Mialee readies an attack with her bow.

There are gobbo offerings at the entrance to the cave. Weejock rolls a perception check to see what he makes of the offerings.. he crit fails…he can’t make head nor tails of them.

Valeros swaggers up, whistling a shanty. Before he reaches the mouth of the cave, the snow starts to shake and move. Two, 10-15 ft tall Icey guardians (Golems) appear.

They’re flat footed as emerging… Mialee looses readied attack - Shortbow hits one on left, for 14 damage of which it takes only 9. Skabb casts her readied fireball at the guardian on the right. It deals 20 damage. The guardian rolls its saving throw and takes half damage. The DM asks skabb to roll a further 4d6, for 18 fire damage = 28 fire damage total taken

We all roll initiative

Mialee rolls a 25 with her shortbow. It hits and does 9+3 sneak damage Attack 2, 27 hits, 6+2 damage. Finally she hides. The guardian takes half damage (10 less damage due to resistances).

It’s the ice guardian’s turn. It uses Breath Weapon on Valeros who fails a reflex save and takes 24 cold damage

Valeros is up next. “Let’s see this one physically resist this piece of man-meat”…19 misses…”He resisted” “When in doubt I’d like to climb on its back. Can I mount him?!” (“Valeros has problems with rejection. No means no”) Athletics check of 28 means he’s up.He takes 7 persistent cold damage for as long as he is atop the guardian.

Skabb’s go… She aims for the one Valeros isn’t riding and casts Elemental betrayal, which gives +2 to fire damage. Then she casts fireball again, which does 24 damage, it rolls 29 on its reflex save so takes half damage plus 4d6 (16) takes 30 damage total.

Halbrecht’s next… He uses 1 action to cast guidance on Weejock. Next he makes an arcana check and has a good think about what these things are. Is distracted by a snow pigeon and has no bloody idea what these things are!!

The 2nd guardian tries to bash the Valeros off of its friends back… Valeros “ you have to ask my permission before you bash me off” Valeros takes 17 bludgeoning and 3 cold damage and is knocked off.

The guardian has another go at Valeros, but misses. Phew

Weejock… Wanted to demoralise the guardian, but it Is a little too far. So he runs up to furthest one. Glances at his mate to demoralise. Then hits him with his hammer. The DM asks for an Intimidation check against the guardians will dc. 17 beats 11. Weejock calls him “icicle prick”…It is frightened 1! Weejock hits its mate with a hammer; 32 hits for 16 bludgeoning damage. It takes all 16. (Weejock notes that he has wounded rage- as soon as one of them hits him he will rage)

Mialee’s up… She points out that we should all attack the same one. We decide the frighted one is the weakest right now. She lights arrows off of her torch. 27 to hit with short bow, 12 piercing damage, 4d6 =10, 11 sneak damage. It takes 23 total

Guardian hits Valeros: 29 hits for 18 damage …And again but misses at 20 …aaand once more misses at 19

Valeros… …Is gonna try magic! He lights his torch.p for 1 action. Then he busts out his lynx Africa and flame throwers the guardian. Obviously this gets a hero point and Valeros rolls 4d6 to deal 12 fire damage. For his third action he disengages and runs away behind a rock.

Skabb is up next. She uses 1 action to light her torch. For her 2nd action, she gives Grabby Cat two actions 1. picks up the torch 2 travels towards golem Skabb gives grabby two more actions. 1. Moves up to golem. 2. Drops torch in it eye (all whilst Mialee hums flights of the Valkyrie). 4d6 does 13 fire damage.

Halfbrick Moves for 1 action. Heals Valeros for 13 hps (he was at 9/78 hp) For his last action, HB raises his shield.

The guardian/Golem fella’s up next and uses Breath Weapon. Grabby fails her save but rerolls with a Skabb hero point, gets 26 and takes half damage (13) Weejock critically fails and takes 52 damage (!!) and is in a rage (understandably!

The guardian hits (26) Weejock with its fists and he takes 18 bludgeoning and 4 cold damage. It’s lucky he is weejock the ever living!

Weejocks turn now… He wants to trip a guardian with titan wrestler. The DM asks for an Athletics check against targets dc of 23. Weejock rolls 26. It is prone. Flat footed. Can only crawl or stand. Weejock does the same to its mate, 31 knocks it on its arse. -2 to dc as prone. He then smashes the second one with warhammer (25 hits) for 8 damage and he’s raging so it does 6 additional bludgeoning damage….HOWDEEDODIS…it shatters into tiny pieces.

As it dies it triggers icy demise and explodes shooting ice all over the place. Weejock gets a saving throw, 15 means he takes 11 more damage.

Mialee’s up… She looses her shortbow; 22 hits. It is flat footed so she gets sneak attack plus fire 4d6 damage, so it takes total 21 damage.

Second attack hits (25) and does a total of 33 damage which was exactly his number of remaining hit points…and its dead…this one explodes too - icy demise, but this time Weejock critically succeeds at his saving throw (29) so takes no damage. All the others hear an audible crack of his neck.

Valeros tries to give Weejock a neck rub. He is met with a bite. He is still raging. Valeros finds this charming and hilarious.

Wiseling latlu hands Weejock part of broken finger from remnants. “This is lucky. It will never melt”. Can use to chill things. It’s like a perpetually frozen ice cube.

Halbrecht heals everyone for 18 hit points. Yum.

Latlu takes a rabbit out of her provisions. She opens it up and put as an offering at the mouth of the cave and says “you can all go in…”

As we are about to go in we realise that Zorya has been watching us fight and not helping. She saunters over and joins us to pile into the cave to go and meet the calliaech…

Next session is on Fri 22nd and the uk dwelling folk will be IRL because Christmas!"

[christmas-shenanigans]

Session 2: Sat 9 December 2023

Slightly late start due to Yours Truly sitting here waiting for their phone to ring instead of checking Discord. Lol. And off we go!

Cheese jokes and then some WhatsApp mute button japery. And now we’re off for real this time. Mialee and Wee Jock catch us up, yay! They had a much nicer journey than we did, possibly thanks to us clearing a path for them.

“Who’s the new girl? And the goblin?” Wee Jock asks as they arrive. Valeros is walking off to the north as they arrive. Skabb grabs his ankles. It is early morning by this point, and we see this off in the trees, which is clearly what Valeros is looking at:

She sees him looking at her and runs off; he follows and so do we. We think he might have been entranced. There is a flash of light - and Valeros stops. The nymph steps into a tree and disappears. Valeros announces that he can’t see. Halbrecht will give him a look over to see if there’s anything he can do about the blindness. We all wrack our brains to see if we know anything about nymphs; they can do an ability called Blinding Beauty. Well, that tracks.

Halbrecht casts Restoration on Valeros.

“Get out of our woods!” someone shouts in Sylvan. Rude. Wee Jock pretends to knock down a tree with his hammer. Something appears…

Skabb tells them we are just passing through. Wee Jock asks where the goblin village is.

Why so angry, friend? asks Skabb.

These are our woods, we don’t want you here.

We’re trying to go north to the gobbo village.

Leave now, we are told. We’re trying to!

We scooch past, keeping an eye on the thing as we go. They apparently don’t attack.

The rest of the day is uneventful. As evening draws in we hear wolves howling in the distance. We make camp, in spite of the wolves seeming closer to us. Wee Jock suggests we stay bunched together. We do that, and ready attacks. Valeros can’t see, but he’s happy because the cold ‘makes him look taut’.

The wolves approach, and Skabb sees these two:

Halbrecht and Zorya ready actions, and Zorya recalls knowledge about wolves. They could be a number of things (barghests, dire wolves…) but she’s not sure.

(There’s a lot of Gloucestershire accented “‘Ello my love!” but I miss the context.)

A wolf appears - Halbrecht looses his Divine Lance and Zorya crits with her composite shortbow for 17 damage!

The wolf lunges at Halbrecht and tries to get him in its jaws. He takes 8 piercing damage from its teeth as it snatches him up. The other wolf appears…

It attacks Wee Jock with a 26; he doesn’t need to check his character sheet for that. Oh fuck there’s a third! It grabs Skabb in its mouth. And another giant wolf…

This one takes an action to seek out Zorya, but she crits her stealth check. Not today, bitch! (She forgot about her sneak attack damage… she rolls it now for another 8 damage. “Howdy doodis?” she asks optimistically, but is disappointed.)

Skabb makes an escape attempt, rolling a 14. She wants to cast Pummeling Rubble down the neck of the wolf holding her:

It is ruled that she can’t aim it down its neck, even though a wolf full of rocks would be hilarious, so she retracts the spell. She does Burning Hands instead. It crits its save. Skabb just sort of… settles in.

We hear a voice in our heads. We are heading for the goblin village, yes? “Ow,” we reply. If we bring them the head of the chief goblin they will spare us.

Zorya tries to reply to one of them to tell it that we don’t negotiate with terrorists, but the wolf just seems confused. So they’re being controlled…? Another wolf, this one with glowing eyes, approaches and says “You can have a minute to think.”

Mialee takes a shot for a 31. She gets sneak attack damage, too! She makes a Stealth check; dirty 20.

Wee Jock is being gently chewed. He considers sliding down the wolf’s throat and doing damage with his warhammer. He Rages, but there’s no button on his character sheet for that. He has the Titan Wrestler feat though, he realises, and sets about beating the wolf around the head. (I am told to tell him off; I do, even though I’m not sure why. There must be a reason.)

Halbrecht does Searing Light, quote, “because it’s exciting”. He casts it into the mouth of the wolf holding him. There’s a discussion about flanking and whether Wee Jock can do that from inside the mouth of another wolf. The wolf drops Halbrecht and he uses his last action to hit it with his hammer. There are a lot of red numbers.

Zorya makes a break for it and climbs a tree, taking a shot at one of the wolves from in the branches. Luckily none of them are able to attack her as she goes. Halbrecht’s wolf attacks him again and gets him back in its mouth. It then shakes the fuck out of him:

He rolls too low on his save, tries to insist that he adds 12 to everything he rolls, is universally disbelieved and takes his 9 damage.

Skabb’s wolf does the same thing; she rolls a 28 and only takes half damage. The wolf shakes her twice more, and she fails the next two saves. Wee Jock’s wolf does the same, but it rolls low damage so the little sack of scar tissue probably doesn’t even notice.

A wolf goes over to Zorya’s tree and leaps - snatching her up into its jaws. “Ah shit.”

Skabb casts Vomit Swarm and crits:

Then Grabby Cat flies into the ear of the wolf with the glowing eyes. She asks it why it wants to eat the gobbo.

Nasty goblin chief killed lots and lots of my kin, she is told. She has a little chat with it, tries to persuade it that it doesn’t want to continue this attack. It responds by running up to the wolf holding Wee Jock in its jaws and attacking the gnome. And again.

Mialee wants to shoot the one with the gold eyes, but goes for the one holding Wee Jock instead. It drops him! She shoots it again, and kills it! She re-hides. DM: “Wise.”

Wee Jock, still raging, moves on to the next closest enemy as is his tradition. He will continue in this vein until they are dead or he is. The next closest happens to be the golden-eyed one. Does Rage add five to his attack at all? No, but the next attack is better. His third is also bad. He asks for a Hero Point to re-roll it. Then asks for a Hero Point for having the ballsiness to ask for a Hero Point, and gets one! He uses it to attack again, but rolls even worse. Next turn he is going to grapple it by the legs.

Halbrecht has to put his cheese down for his turn. He’s used a lot of his spells now. He does Spiritual Weapon. If it hits it will do 6 damage. “My spells are rubbish, [DM].” It does apparently just hit, though, there is no attack roll or saving throw. He uses his last action to Heal himself.

Zorya wriggles out of her wolf’s mouth, shimmies back up the tree and hides. “Acrobatics? I’m good at that.” She rolls a 26. Skabb: “She’s a cocky little shit, this girl.”

A wolf bites at Wee Jock and grabs hold, and shakes him. He fails the save, but only takes half damage. (He’s still not even close to his favourite hit point.)

Grabby Cat tells the glowy-eyed wolf that we have a magic acorn… She makes a Diplomacy check of 16. It tells her to show it the acorn; She flies over to Skabb to take it, then flies back to the wolf and show it. The wolf howls, and the rest of them drop those of us who are in their mouths. If they see us again, they will eat us. They are bound to honour this, but only once.

We do some healing, and make camp. Wee Jock wants to sacrifice some trees. So he does. He hadn’t finished.

We consult the map and continue on. Skabb smells something delicious; the rest of us smell something disgusting. We hear terrible, tone-deaf singing as well as we approach Pinereek:

The goblins catch sight of us and start scurrying around the town and pulling up ladders; we hear a gong sound and a balcony opens, and this gentleman appears:

“Well, daughter, what do you bring to my village?” he says to Skabb in goblin.

“Ugly friends!” she replies.

He points at Wee Jock. “Scouts say this one a hiss-fittler.” He points at the rest of us, expressing various concerns about our behaviour. We promise (lying) to behave.

He will let us go and see the witch. He points to a hut, out of which purple smoke is pouring from the chimney. Skabb offers Zorya and Mialee a silver piece each to behave. They reluctantly agree.

Wee Jock displays a middle finger, as evidence that they aren’t crossed as he also promises to behave.

The door swings open as we approach, and this appears:

She addresses Skabb as daughter, as well! She calls for her “ugly apprentice”, who also appears:

They insult Zorya for a while and nearly get stabbed, but then Skabb changes the subject to ask them to help cure Valeros’ blindness. (Zorya makes up her mind to steal at least one thing from here before they leave.)

They take out some foul-smelling gunk and tell him to put it in his eyes. He says it smells like it’s going to make him ugly! They tell him not to worry. Smooth skins (?) couldn’t be uglier if they tried! Skabb finds this hilarious, and slaps the stuff on Valeros’s face.

We ask about the sorceress.

Valeros asks who teaches the wise ones magic. He is too old and too boy to be taught magic. Skabb is small and young and girl. She needs a kayak. (I think?)

She must pass a trial to meet the kayak. We must all do it together. There’s a fun game for us to play!

We take her hideous apprentice with us, she will take us to a cave outside which is a guardian made of ice. Defeat the guardian and we can meet the kayak.

The group is warned to keep an eye on Zorya and make sure she doesn’t steal anything. They are watching her like a hawk; “You are all underestimating how good I am at stealing things.”

What will we need to take with us? Skabb asks her to take us to a good place to get provisions, and we leave it there for tonight. Wee Jock wants to know if he can have something made of cold iron, in case we run into any more fey. “Something blunt. Basically a hammer.” He must find something delicious from the woods as payment.

We must also bring some familiars with us, Klipp Klopp and Yhaaki:

... Okay fine, if we must.

[christmas-shenanigans]

Christmas Special 2023: Session 1, Sat 2 Dec

Zorya Fenya receives the following letter:

Were it not for the promise of gold, she would have thrown it in the fire. She replies in the affirmative, and sets off for Whiterush...

She is joined by Halbrecht:

Skabb:

and Valeros:

We head to Andoran, where Mialee and Wee Jock will join us later:

Whiterush is roughly east of Diggen’s Rest. We were captained here by this fine lady aboard the Kereng’ende. Her name is Captain Aziza:

It is cold and snowy when we arrive. The captain points us toward the Verduran Forest:

Where we catch another boat up the river. Winter Solstice is the festival of the god that both Halbrecht and Valeros worship, The Accidental God. The village of Whiterush is preparing for the festival:

We have been hearing talk of friction surrounding the lumber consortium. The fey of the forest and the druids are angry about activity in the forest. As we approach, we hear raised voices of villagers. There is a roar, and a voice says “Calm down, Popcorn.” We approach and see these three individuals:

!!!

We are pointed to the Wicked Weasel pub:

Many of the villagers seem to be gnomes, we realise as we arrive. Valeros asks if it’s illegal to kick gnomes here.

Valeros asks around for our contact, the man who wrote us the letter, but people don’t seem to have heard of him. Zorya starts casting around for unattended coin purses and Skabb for unattended drinks. (Halbrecht has, on the way over, been testing to see the effects of salt water on the development of cheeses.) Skabb chugs the beer she has swiped; we are all impressed when she manages to keep it down.

The barmaid notices Valeros as we enter the pub, and smiles:

She asks where we’ll be sitting and demands to see Valeros’ coin purse before she'll let us order. She asks if Halbrecht is a priest of the Accidental God; he says he is and she gives him a free beer. Valeros is very annoyed by this; Halbrecht winks at him as he swigs his beer.

Valeros swaggers up to the biggest man in the bar and challenges him to an arm wrestle for his table. Strength check - 15 to the other guy’s 6. Yeah! He offers to buy him a beer but refuses to give up the table.

The barmaid points us up the stairs when we say we’re waiting for… Cuthbert Bobblerock? Dilbert… Crumbledinger? Whatever his name is. Valeros asks her if she would be interested in buying some of Halbrecht’s goat’s cheese; she says we would have to ask the kitchen manager. Halbrecht produces a business card and asks her to pass it on. (He gets a Hero Point.)

There’s a strange, herbal smell as we go up the stairs. Skabb recognises it as a type of ragweed; it comes from the first world in the fey. Spellcasters can enchant the pollen and make magical tea from it. She casts Detect Magic - it’s everywhere. She thinks it might be low level spells or magic items, from all over the pub.

At the top of the stairs is a closed door. We knock on it and it swings open - a little voice tells us to come in. Brewing some glowing purple tea is this fella:

We go in and sit down. “Mr Cuddles Ticklestick, we presume?”

He welcomes us in. Zorya wants to know exactly how considerable the recompense will be for this job. He offers us some tea. Zorya asks what it does; he says it makes everything shinier. Valeros accepts some. Everything feels... nicer, when he drinks it.

Our reward will be dependent on our success, he tells us. How familiar are we with the Bleaching? Zorya knows a bit about gnomes, as does Skabb. People talk about gnomes not having been here for as long as the other races. They are from the fey world, and if they are away from it for too long they start to lose their colour and verve, their skittish nature. They become shadows of their former selves, and can eventually die of it. This is known as the Bleaching.

Cuthwulf has been working on a preventative measure; this is where we come in. He is missing a reagent. He mentioned to Skabb in her letter that she might be acting as an ambassador of sorts...? She didn’t read it, she says, Grabby Cat did. She takes Grabby Cat out of her pocket and allows her to join the conversation. Cuthwulf talks to Grabby Cat in strange clicking noises; they seem to have a conversation. She tells him that Skabb wasn’t raised among her own people, is that right, he asks?

Part of the job involves going through a village of goblins, and we will likely need their help, he tells us. He takes a scroll from his pouch and puts it on the table:

Pine Reek (sp?) - that’s the name of the village we are to find. Reaching this place is the first part of the job. We must get an audience with a powerful mage there, and she will give us the next part of the job. Is she a witch, Skabb asks? Cuthbert looks a bit strained. Is she missing a finger, Skabb demands? Cuthwulf hasn’t had the pleasure of meeting her, he says delicately. Skabb is furious.

He takes out a ‘Key’:

The goblins in Pine Reek revere a powerful sorceress; we must get them to grant us an audience with her. We are to trade the key for information from her, about a place called Christmas Town.

Are any of us familiar with the first world? Do we know about arch-fey? Christmas Town is the realm of a particular arch-fey, and we are to retrieve something of his.

Skabb suddenly feels the urgent need to visit a latrine; she has got her bodyweight in beer swishing around inside her. Valeros escorts her downstairs before she can piss on Cumberbatch's carpet.

Cuthwobble explains that what he wants us to steal is a potion of flight; it isn’t about the flying, per se, but about the origin of the thing. With something made in the first world, he might be able to work on a real cure for the Bleaching.

We are missing two, aren’t we? He will send them after us if they turn up. Zorya says we don’t need a second rogue, as we already have “the best thief in the world. And no-one’s ever needed Wee Jock for anything.” (She gets a Hero point.)

Alright then, we agree to his terms. To the bar!

Skabb thinks the snow-hag (the sorceress) might be the one that raised her. The term is a generic one, however, so it might not be. Halbrecht knows, against all odds, that Winter Witches take the place of rulers in the realms of the frozen north, and are usually revered by goblins. They are put in the position of ruler by something called a Baba Yaga…

We get drunk, and then buy provisions for the journey. Skabb roots through the bins for rotten things. Valeros buys this, earning himself TWO hero points:

(Zorya steals a wineskin, and some wine to put in it; Halbrecht buys some wine to bring with him. Zorya: “Boooooooring.”)

We set off into the woods, in the direction we were sent. The lumber consortium has left some of the trees near the village to make it look nice, but we can see they’ve been logging here. Skabb looks around for dead things and rotting corpses. She guts some dead rabbits and birds and keeps the organs; she’s making ‘organ nutella’.

(No further sign of Tarragon, Popcorn or Mr Pickles; it was just a little cameo.)

Halbrecht cooks, Zorya keeps watch, Valeros does pushups and Skabb does… nothing helpful. In the night we hear strange sounds, that don’t sound anything like animals we know. It’s not alarming or nearby, and seems to pose no threat, it’s just… strange.

We pack up our camp the next day and go to leave; Valeros goes to relieve himself and finds some undergrowth. He is slashed across the back of the calf! He turns but can’t see anything, though he hears giggling. He’s upset because that attack might have damaged his fine trousers, and his genetically superior calves have taken a LOT of work.

“Who the fuck did that??” he shouts in goblin, but gets no answer. He shuffles back to camp and warns the rest of us about the outrageous bastards in these woods. Skabb casts Helpful Wood Spirits, and sends them off to investigate but they can’t find anything. “They’re rubbish,” she announces and stamps on them.

Halbrecht, Skabb and Zorya look around; Halbrecht sees blood on the undergrowth. Something was there, but it’s gone now. Skabb thinks it’s fey. We continue packing up the camp site and begin our second day of travel.

The trees start to thin as we go and there are fewer stumps from logging. There are talismans made of stripped branches and vines hanging from the trees every so often. Valeros makes an Occultism check; he’s not sure what they mean but he thinks either protection, or trail markers. Nothing threatening. He takes two, and ties them around his calves. Skabb takes a look at Valeros’ calf (he tenses it as hard as he can) to make sure there’s nothing that is doing him lasting damage. She jabs her finger in there and tastes it, but doesn’t detect any poison.

Zorya looks around; she sees the air shimmer like a gust of wind blowing past her. She looks down to her horror and sees one of her decoy purses has been cut, the contents spilling on the ground. She scoops the coins back up, furious, and takes out her bow. (Skabb is greatly amused.)

In Sylvan, Skabb asks “Oi, troublemakers, what you up to?” She gets no reply.

The rest of the day passes without event as we draw near our target. We find what we think would be a good place to set up camp as the sky darkens. Three strange lights suddenly blink into existence around Zorya, who is very angry about it. We all hear laughter, and then we roll initiative. (Zorya is horrified to find that she has to use Perception instead of Stealth. She checks her other coin purses; to her relief they all seem to be present and intact.)

Skabb is top of the order, but she doesn’t go first. This does, and it stabs Zorya for 6 damage including sneak attack:

It then runs away with its 100 feet of movement. Skabb wants to pull its arms out of its socketses. They do some more attacks which all miss, and it’s Skabb’s turn. She climbs a tree, and then tries to reach out to our attackers, asking them what they want. One replies from right next to her, and asks her if her blood is blue too? She bites her own finger and holds it out. “No. It’s just blood.”

Halbrecht tries to reason with them, in Common, “I like a jape as much as the next man,” but receives no response. He readies a Divine Lance, with good damage prepared.

Zorya moves to try to get away from the lights, but they move with her. She swears a lot, shoots one of the lights (it does nothing) and looks around for the creatures. She’s fairly certain there aren’t any within 30 feet of her.

One appears, and Halbrecht looses his lance (cries of “Geeeet Yooouuur Lance Out for the Lads!!”). It turns to him and in Common, says “Hiya!” Then it stabs him with its short sword.

“Hiya!” he hears again, just behind him. He takes four sneak attack damage in the kidneys. Another appears and stabs him again. One runs up to Valeros, and he gets to use his attack of opportunity and his readied attack! 34 hits for 11 slashing damage. He attacks - 23 would hit, but it does this:

... Fucker.

It runs up to Zorya, stabs at her and misses. “Pretty one no fun!” it says in Sylvan, which she doesn’t understand. Another one runs up Skabb's tree. “Hiya!” She greets it back, and stabs her.

It grins. “Hiya! Your blood’s not blue.”

“Never said it was,” she replies, and casts Electric Arc at it. It makes the save. She casts Clinging Ice, but it misses so she goes again. 30 ought to do it! It uses its reaction but it still hits. She blows a raspberry at it.

Halbrecht abandons subtlety and takes out his war hammer, and sets about “playing whack-a-mole with the little twiggy bastards”. It dodges nimbly out of the way; he’s starting to lose his rag a little bit now. He would give it the finger but he’s only got one hand.

Zorya hits with her first attack and gets sneak attack damage for 6 total, but misses her other two.

Valeros moves to flank one and swings his sword at it - 22 hits for 11 slashing damage. It uses Can’t Catch Me, and Skabb hears it shriek: “Pretty one no fun at all!”

“Why your friends so boring?” another one asks Skabb, as it scuttles up the tree next to her.

“Human blood,” she says and shrugs. It stabs her.

It slithers out of the tree and slides its sword into Halbrecht, about where his kidneys would be. it runs across the snow and up a tree, then drops down behind Zorya. “Hiya!” Another one comes up behind her. It can’t flank her because she has the Deny Advantage feat, ha! Her cloak is slashed which is extremely annoying, but Valeros offers to fix it for her.

A third appears to slash at her face, but misses.

One comes up to Valeros. “Hiya!” 27 hits him, but he uses Reactive Shield. It still hits him though. In Sylvan, Skabb hears “He no try hard enough! He pretty AND bleedy!”

Skabb casts Ray of Frost at the one next to Zorya, rerolls with a Hero Point and misses again. She shouts at the top of her voice, “HIYA!” Little voices respond from all around her. She whips her sling around and hits one for 9 damage total.

(Zorya deletes herself off the board and has to be re-placed.)

Halbrecht, nothing if not a team player, moves to the middle of us and readies his war hammer.

(We all notice that outside the circle of lights around Zorya, the sun has set.)

Zorya recalls knowledge - they are fey, and weak to cold iron. They are susceptible to the slow spell, and hate it. Though they are fey, they can’t see in the dark. She tells Valeros this, in his head with her Ghostwise telepathy. She readies an attack with her bow.

How cold is Valeros’ iron, he wants to know? If he put his sword in the snow would that count? It might drop off, the DM tells him, but it wouldn’t affect the fey creatures. He swishes his hair about heroically and shares the information Zorya gave him with Halbrecht and Skabb.

Zorya sees one come running out of the trees, trailing its sword behind it. “Hiya!” She shoots at it but misses. It stabs her as it runs past.

Another one stabs Skabb. 22 to hit. “Ooooh, tickles!”

Halbrecht looses his readied attack, but it misses. “Hiya!” 19 doesn’t hit him, fortunately. “Bye!”

Valeros natty 20s his opportunity attack! 20 damage! He sprays slightly luminous green blood everywhere. “Hiya,” he says.

Skabb hears, “Owieeeeee!” It stabs him back and runs away.

Skabb is next. There is one in the tree next to her, swinging its feet. She does the same. “Hiya,” she says to it. “What’s the rules?”

“We stabs and we bleeds. Whoever bleeds most and sleeps least, wins.” (If you fall unconscious, you lose unless we all go unconscious. They want a good show, and a lot of blood, basically.)

Skabb tries a Dispel Magic on Zorya’s lights. It works!

Zorya hears, “Sneaky!” but its in Sylvan, so she doesn’t understand. “Well played,” it says to Skabb. “You win.”

She shakes its little hand. “I had fun.” It gives her a little stone acorn. “This means you win. We leave you alone for a while.” She accepts the stone and gives it a slug - it bites the head off and eats it. They take some of the bloodied snow from around Halbrecht, and scamper into the dark. Zorya checks her coin purses again; they are intact.

Halbrecht uses War Medic to heal us. He can cast Heal 3 times, for 3d10 healing each time!

Valeros asks Zorya what her favourite flower is; she is surprised and a bit embarrassed. “Er… I dunno, a daisy.” He embroiders a perfect daisy over the rip in her cloak. She is very touched, but refuses to show it.