cinoman

[cinoman]

i've been diving into personality stuff again. my favorite highschool teacher got me into MBTI way back when and then I naturally branched out and read about jungian theory and such and such. all i wanted to say was that i find it super cringy when people write about personality types like they're super villains and create a novelty around them. it's like begging for people, specifically young people who want a unique sense of identity, to take on those (often incorrect) characteristics so they're worth something in the personality space

[cinoman]

one thing that kills me about growing up is that i’m not excited about life anymore. as a young kid, young teen, whatever, you’re experiencing everything for the first time. nothing gets old, and you have so much time to make things work for you so you have so much hope.

i feel like i have so little time, all i can see around me is problems and when one problem ends, i sit and feel relief for 5 minutes and figure out a new problem. it’s never ending. for a second, i want to be a kid again who had wide eyes and saw the world for what i wanted it to be. nothing seems beautiful anymore. everything seems old. i think maybe it’s because im not putting myself out there to explore things anymore. man

[cinoman]

pinterest board recently

[cinoman]

i’ve been trying to navigate suffering a lot lately, what’s the meaning of it, what does it mean if there’s no meaning

i haven’t come to a good answer. i try to think about what i’m supposed to learn from this but i end up feeling like, while im becoming more adjusted, im breaking my bones to snap into a box of what it takes to exist on this world

i don’t see it as a worthy challenge because what’s the point? wouldn’t it be easier to give up? sometimes i think dying now would be a shame because dying w/o knowing true happiness would be sad

but on ones guaranteed happiness. i feel so lost and scared right now about the future, id rather just chew a bullet than wait for things to get better

[cinoman]

sometimes i think about how i genuinely do have a prejudice towards men and how i do hold women in higher regard and how that could have been affected by the internet

but honestly, i think all young women should be developing this mindset because realistically centering any form of self-identity and self-worth around straight men who inherently view women as a conquest is always a recipe for a distaster

honestly centering any of your identity around someone romantically interested in you is a disaster. obviously, if you find "the guy", that's nice but so many male centered women's identity is just being constantly embarrassed but feeling ok with it because at least they got chosen

id rather be chosen by people who dont view me as a sex object and at least see my humanity in a way that i also understand my humanity

and weirdly enough, i don't even view my male friends as men. they're just people who happened to be male. it's kinda weird when im reminded that they're also men

[cinoman]

my thoughts on suicide at this point are almost buddhist

it’s not an ending only a new beginning of sorts

[cinoman]

Scans of commonplace book I made when I was in highschool during the height of my depression, thought being more positive was going to fix me (It didn't)

[cinoman]

for how much technology has completely transformed society i’m suprised so many people think divine machinery is a stupid concept

i recently went to a company site visit for a company who manufactures medical equipment (mostly for dealing with blood). im a CS major so i mostly went for the SWE intern positions being offered, but part of the visit was walking around and looking at workers do their jobs with the machines created and it made me think about how these people’s 9-5s are dedicated to creating/maintaining devices to help people’s livelihoods

there’s something oddly divine about our relationship with technology, we live in a time where people have pace makers programmed in C. technological failures can lead to death. life itself is being determined by technology. to a degree, i think knowing more about technology brings you closer to god

because god is all-knowing, and technology provides innovations to know more beyond the scope of our universe. think about how much engineers and computer scientists work to get the first man to space. technological advancement is a holy pursuit, we’re finding out more about the universe created for us

we’re seeing things like organoid intelligence start to make big strides in directions we never could have imagined—brain powered computers. it’s fucking wacky, but at the same time, you feel reverent.

growing up i was always taught that god wasnt human, he was god. thats why allah is never drawn as a man, but (usually) a light. of course the things most divine on earth would never be human

[cinoman]

[cinoman]

i hate how the term office siren turned into wearing sexual, inappropriate outfits (ft. a button up) in professional settings when it was originally abt naturally hot n sexy women with a certain style of glasses (like bayonetta) & combination of office attire elements that didn’t resemble damn near club outfits

[cinoman]

[cinoman]

gonna be real and say that 85% of the hate towards tophiachu is bc she looks the way she does with very little actual, good reasons to hate on someone as much as people do her

[cinoman]

My unorganized pins recently

[cinoman]

my favorite thing about perfumes is that perfume snobs will sit there and say cheap affordable perfumes with universally loved notes (vanilla, florals, citrus, etc.) smell like mothballs and floor cleaner and all this wild shit but will say that 300 dollar perfumes with literal animal shit notes are just peak and you don’t understand ~the complexity of it~

[cinoman]

i’ve thought a lot about relationships and love over the past weeks

i think i’ve really grown disgusted with the idea of romance and relationships in general. nothing bad happened to me, i think it’s really just my brain developing

a couple points:

we’re essentially conditioned from childhood to view romance as non-optional, it’s baked into children’s media (eg. most disney princess movies) ➡️ you see young girls who’s dream is to be a mother, a house wife, etc.

so many young adults identify themselves with their relationships. plastering their partner on all of their social media, putting their name in their bio, when they are gone, who are you? i used to think how cute it would be to be identified as someone’s girlfriend or wife, but now i think that’s the most cringe shit in the world. how can i derive joy from what i mean to someone else?

seeking romantic relationships really only makes sense if you want to start a family. companions come in many shapes, seeking a relationship because you want someone who’s your “person” is sad (imo, only because i feel like finding that kind of fulfillment in a single person is dangerous)

now obviously, everyone is different. i just can’t help but feel like it’s sad that people can’t find this fulfillment in themselves, but rather in the relationships they make. i think it’s sad because it’s like, why do you seek out a relationship in the first place?

it’s kind of like the question of “why did you have kids?”, because the answer is usually something (innocently) selfish. i don’t know, but i feel really good about thinking through this.💤

[cinoman]

i hate when i’m reading anything that resembles a mafia au and they have the “his father is coming/family reunion” arc in the chapter like please stop threatening the integrity of everything we’ve built up to this point i might go crazy

[cinoman]

had a chat with my mentor today and we talked about romance, she’s a married woman and she really confirmed some of the things i’ve been feeling

relationships are like shackles to a person like me, except platonic ones. i think i take pride in loving people purely(?), i love my friends. i love that i can exist outside of them aswell

with a partner i could never imagine that. how can you seperate yourself from someone you love most in the world? the only answer (to me) would be to have them not be that person.

i think the correct answer is you should have your love spread out, with your family friends your partner yourself your hobbies etccc…

but then what’s the point of having a partner? unless you want children or something, i really don’t get it. i think it’s a good thing i don’t get it.

at the end of the day, all relationships “fizzle” out and you’re met with the truth of the person you love. maybe it’s not something horrible but you realize they’re a human and their jokes aren’t all funny and maybe their good looks aren’t really that charming. that’s such a strange thing to experience when you can just be free