cinoman

[cinoman]

sometimes i think about how i genuinely do have a prejudice towards men and how i do hold women in higher regard and how that could have been affected by the internet

but honestly, i think all young women should be developing this mindset because realistically centering any form of self-identity and self-worth around straight men who inherently view women as a conquest is always a recipe for a distaster

honestly centering any of your identity around someone romantically interested in you is a disaster. obviously, if you find "the guy", that's nice but so many male centered women's identity is just being constantly embarrassed but feeling ok with it because at least they got chosen

id rather be chosen by people who dont view me as a sex object and at least see my humanity in a way that i also understand my humanity

and weirdly enough, i don't even view my male friends as men. they're just people who happened to be male. it's kinda weird when im reminded that they're also men

[cinoman]

just learned that skin chemistry plays a role in how perfumes smell on you. if you’re pressing your nose into scents with zero objectively gross notes and you’re picking up grossness, a shower may be in your future

my favorite thing about perfumes is that perfume snobs will sit there and say cheap affordable perfumes with universally loved notes (vanilla, florals, citrus, etc.) smell like mothballs and floor cleaner and all this wild shit but will say that 300 dollar perfumes with literal animal shit notes are just peak and you don’t understand ~the complexity of it~

[cinoman]

my thoughts on suicide at this point are almost buddhist

it’s not an ending only a new beginning of sorts

[cinoman]

Scans of commonplace book I made when I was in highschool during the height of my depression, thought being more positive was going to fix me (It didn't)

[cinoman]

for how much technology has completely transformed society i’m suprised so many people think divine machinery is a stupid concept

i recently went to a company site visit for a company who manufactures medical equipment (mostly for dealing with blood). im a CS major so i mostly went for the SWE intern positions being offered, but part of the visit was walking around and looking at workers do their jobs with the machines created and it made me think about how these people’s 9-5s are dedicated to creating/maintaining devices to help people’s livelihoods

there’s something oddly divine about our relationship with technology, we live in a time where people have pace makers programmed in C. technological failures can lead to death. life itself is being determined by technology. to a degree, i think knowing more about technology brings you closer to god

because god is all-knowing, and technology provides innovations to know more beyond the scope of our universe. think about how much engineers and computer scientists work to get the first man to space. technological advancement is a holy pursuit, we’re finding out more about the universe created for us

we’re seeing things like organoid intelligence start to make big strides in directions we never could have imagined—brain powered computers. it’s fucking wacky, but at the same time, you feel reverent.

growing up i was always taught that god wasnt human, he was god. thats why allah is never drawn as a man, but (usually) a light. of course the things most divine on earth would never be human

[cinoman]

[cinoman]

i hate how the term office siren turned into wearing sexual, inappropriate outfits (ft. a button up) in professional settings when it was originally abt naturally hot n sexy women with a certain style of glasses (like bayonetta) & combination of office attire elements that didn’t resemble damn near club outfits

[cinoman]

[cinoman]

gonna be real and say that 85% of the hate towards tophiachu is bc she looks the way she does with very little actual, good reasons to hate on someone as much as people do her

[cinoman]

My unorganized pins recently

[cinoman]

my favorite thing about perfumes is that perfume snobs will sit there and say cheap affordable perfumes with universally loved notes (vanilla, florals, citrus, etc.) smell like mothballs and floor cleaner and all this wild shit but will say that 300 dollar perfumes with literal animal shit notes are just peak and you don’t understand ~the complexity of it~

[cinoman]

i’ve thought a lot about relationships and love over the past weeks

i think i’ve really grown disgusted with the idea of romance and relationships in general. nothing bad happened to me, i think it’s really just my brain developing

a couple points:

we’re essentially conditioned from childhood to view romance as non-optional, it’s baked into children’s media (eg. most disney princess movies) ➡️ you see young girls who’s dream is to be a mother, a house wife, etc.

so many young adults identify themselves with their relationships. plastering their partner on all of their social media, putting their name in their bio, when they are gone, who are you? i used to think how cute it would be to be identified as someone’s girlfriend or wife, but now i think that’s the most cringe shit in the world. how can i derive joy from what i mean to someone else?

seeking romantic relationships really only makes sense if you want to start a family. companions come in many shapes, seeking a relationship because you want someone who’s your “person” is sad (imo, only because i feel like finding that kind of fulfillment in a single person is dangerous)

now obviously, everyone is different. i just can’t help but feel like it’s sad that people can’t find this fulfillment in themselves, but rather in the relationships they make. i think it’s sad because it’s like, why do you seek out a relationship in the first place?

it’s kind of like the question of “why did you have kids?”, because the answer is usually something (innocently) selfish. i don’t know, but i feel really good about thinking through this.💤

[cinoman]

i hate when i’m reading anything that resembles a mafia au and they have the “his father is coming/family reunion” arc in the chapter like please stop threatening the integrity of everything we’ve built up to this point i might go crazy

[cinoman]

had a chat with my mentor today and we talked about romance, she’s a married woman and she really confirmed some of the things i’ve been feeling

relationships are like shackles to a person like me, except platonic ones. i think i take pride in loving people purely(?), i love my friends. i love that i can exist outside of them aswell

with a partner i could never imagine that. how can you seperate yourself from someone you love most in the world? the only answer (to me) would be to have them not be that person.

i think the correct answer is you should have your love spread out, with your family friends your partner yourself your hobbies etccc…

but then what’s the point of having a partner? unless you want children or something, i really don’t get it. i think it’s a good thing i don’t get it.

at the end of the day, all relationships “fizzle” out and you’re met with the truth of the person you love. maybe it’s not something horrible but you realize they’re a human and their jokes aren’t all funny and maybe their good looks aren’t really that charming. that’s such a strange thing to experience when you can just be free

[cinoman]

at what point does the things you learn in therapy feel less like cope?

it all feels like things you tell yourself to keep yourself sane not the truth

[cinoman]

everytime you recall a memory you alter it

heard about this from tiktok and i recently started crafting a huge boygroup playlist to accompany my girlgroup playlist (proud kpop stan since 2015) i originally stanned BTS, when they started coming up on the news (probably a year or so(?) after i got into them) i completely lost interest, didnt really listen to their music anymore... though the new stuff i was hearing really disagreed with me (every 3rd gen kpop stan knows the difference between old bts and new bts, theyre worlds apart T_T)

anyways, i actually went back and listened to some of the old bts songs i loved. im talking about classics like one more day and older bsides like tomorrow and hold me. all of a sudden i felt transported back to those days when i was walking to middle school and tracing hangeul characters in my jacket pocket so i could remember them this is why i always roll my eyes whenever ppl want to argue that kpop is "just a genre" (besides the fact its an entire industry). kpop is a time belt, it's a centralized way to keeping track of the growth in your life. suddenly you're old, realizing that songs you loved came out 10 years out, and you reminisce on the stupid concept back then and the fact that the people you were such a big fan of were also young at that time. and now, you're both older and different from when you both existed at that time. anyways, back to the song stuff, i really dont want to overwrite the memories ive made with those songs, they bring me back to a place i have barely any documentation of besides some old journals i used to learn korean i feel super disconnected to BTS now, i have other groups that have marked my transition from a small middle schooler to a grown ass college student and honestly i feel like my relationship with 4th gen groups kind of symbolizes how much ive grown up. no matter what, when i listen to older kpop songs, i feel like a little girl again going crazy over some 93-97년생 오빠들 and feeling excited to see what they did next. in a way ill always look at the idols during that period with fresh eyes(?) because i was so ignorant to what being an idol entailed and my heart only remembers the magic of that period. feeling real jealousy and excitement to tears over them was fun while it lasted ive been getting into TXT recently just so i can have some fresh content since the groups i do keep close to my heart are ofc either slowly being inactive/members doing solo stuff/etc. TXT feels more my style compared to a lot of the other boygroups that 4th gen has given us. anyways, yeah, i can never be that little girl again LOL. the maknae is only a year and some months older than me, no matter what, it feels more like im watching my friends fuck around and live their adult life. i hated 4th gen so much when the transition started happening because it marked a time where i felt like i was "forced" to grow up, there was no longer unlimited groups for me to find where i could shamlessly fangirl because people were either 1-2 years older than me, my exact age, or younger. but, i didnt realize that the people i had grown up beside were still gonna be relevant lol anyways, im much more content now.

[cinoman]

you know as a kid you think the idea of love is soooo tantalizing it’s so beautiful to think of someone you’d love and spend your life with

then actually dating around and realizing loving someone is to recognize they’re a human and not a fantasy and having to compromise with them for the rest of your life is… stomach turning

idk why it’s so gross and permanent, i want to experience love but im going to really have to be obsessed with a person and realistically it’s not healthy to be obsessed with anyone tbh

maybe when i’m more mature and adulty i’ll have a different opinion, i guess it’s normal for ppl in their 20s to have commitment issues