classysongnight

[classysongnight]

me when my disabilities disable me:

[classysongnight]

Soo i kind of drove my host parents car into our neighbours wall (like instead of a fence, every house has a small brick wall around.

I was in so much pain that day and was going to go grocery shopping and i drove out of the parking space, turned too early and scaped the side of the car.

(Looking at it now, its really not that bad) but i was in shock of what i just did, sat for a moment, put the car in park the way it was and went inside.

I was shaking and immediately said "i crashed your car" and just started sobbing.

They didnt care. About the car, that is. They just tried to tell me that its okay, looked at the car and fixed what they could.

I just kept apologising and crying. They did their best and i'm so glad they reacted that way.

My host mother, who will get her own post, as weird as she is was trying to comfort me and was like "would raisins make you feel better? They are with watermelon flavour" hahahahha fucking raisins.

Anyway, its been a few days and i feel fine about it now

I guess the moral of the story is, if you're in too much pain, do not drive.

[classysongnight]

Me: I should wait until I’m not actively experiencing intense symptoms before I exert myself again

Also me: Gets as much does as possible whenever I feel even 1% better even though I should still be resting

My body: flares

Me: surprised pikachu face

[classysongnight]

why the fuck did I, in the last days, have to hear my brothers talk disgusing shit about trans ppl, ppl of colour, women in general, rape, etc.?!

My brothers and wife/girlfriend are visiting me, we're a couple hours away from were i live, thank god, and i'm loosing my mind. "How was it?" - "4 days too long!"

Genuinely, seeing them for 2 or 3 days would have been enough, would have been great.

But now, we've had probably 8 fights, 2 of them physical, I've cried 3 times, wondered why I'm doing this to myself everyday at least once and regretted coming here multiple times as well.

I asked them very nicely, in the beginning, if they could just not make "political" (racist, sexist, sex,...) "jokes". And they agreed. It lasted for, i'd say 3 days?

They talked about how disgusting and horrible it would be if they wanted to fuck or were friends with someone and they turned out to be trans. (What a nice thing to hear. Especially if you are trans and they dont and maybe wont know)

I obviously exploded, went out to smoke and when I came back was met by " I wouldn't care if it would be in my family but I wouldn't want a friend like that." Okay awsome. That feels great.

My oldest brother made fun of eating disorders, which me and the other partners girlfriend struggl(-ed) with.

The middle brother tried to make him shut up, hit him after a while, we all screamed, he shoved me out the door on slippery ice, said stuff like "as if you have an eating disorder." And "yeah, well if you're too stupid to eat" and didn't apologise for any of that.

I listened to them talking about someone why raped thousands of women and how impressive that stamina is. About how every women would rather sit in a bus with 10 white men than 10 "other men".

Of course we can't forget about the disgusting where-is- my-perfectly-heated-and-prepared-food-attitude with a generous amount of racism mixed in.

(in comparison very minor but still,) they took pictures the one day i didnt go skiing with them, very nice thank you.

And, of course, generally didnt respect a single thing i asked of them.

Wow what a fun week. I'm so glad i saw them again and spend a lot of money.

But hey, at least i saw northern lights.

[classysongnight]

Maybe hEDS, maybe not but I'm in a lot of pain.

Hello, this is the first time i'm actually trying to reach someone.

I hope to find someone who can help, have ideas that might help, have the same thing or knows who or what might be able to help.

I've been in chronic, more or less constant pain for the last idk, 3 years? I am now 19 years old and I've never had a sport accident, was never overweight,... anything that could be responsible.

It's gotten worse in this time and is now sometimes the only thing I can think of; it consumes me. I was never a sporty person, (I'm just honestly not good at anything and I don't like things when ppl can make me feel bad about it) but I cant even imagine actually doing a sport. Friends and family have always tried to push me, told me to go to a sports club, go exercise, made fun and judge of how I don't. Tbf I have never told anyone how bad my pain is. I always say "hahahah I don't do sports".

But in truth, every inch from my hips down to my ankles feels like they are being crushed, massive nails being pushed and twisted in my hips and knees.

My entire body feels extremely loose, not quite right. My joints are there but not in the exact place they should be. Like someone had me streched out on a medieval torture rack and decided halfway through to let me live. And ironicly, at the same time I feel so unbelivable stiff and tense 24/7.

No matter what I do, I'm in pain. I cannot sleep, I can't sit, lie down, stand, without this crushing feeling. Without wanting to rip out my bodyparts myself, because surely that would relief me of this. Without wondering if this fucking horrible mess I call life is worth it. (However, this it not just because of the pain and more because of, well everything.)

I have been googling, looking for reasons for years and nothing ever felt right. This year I was at an orthopedic the first time. The first time I thought, okay you actually really need professional help. This isn't normal and it wont "just go away with time". They couldn't see anything wrong, wrote me a (recipe?) for a CT, which I never got because I moved to a diffrent country.

And then the pain got even worse so (as I do whenever the pain hits more than usual) I was looking up chronic pain relief and I think I might have found what I have on tik tok. Saying this will alway take away the validity of anything you say but I did my reaserch. (Please, please, if you think it's something else, say you opinion! That's what I'm doing this for. I don't want this diagnose, because honestly, it would be quite shit and I would have to face the rest of my life with this constant pain. I don't want this diagnose, I just want a diagnose.) And so I googled all about hypermobile ehlers-danlos syndrome.

I found that it might be an answer to a lot of things I was wondering about and it feels like the first time a lable fits.

But it honstly doesn't help knowing. I'm still in pain. I now know that I might not be diagnosed at all and it wouldn't even really change anything because doctors have no idea how to help. All I read is "no cure" and "no real way to diagnose". Right, thank you. So how about I just go fuck myself. Because noboby knows what to do about it, nobody can give acutal advice how to handle pain like that because suprise, Ibuprofen doesn't do shit. I can take 3 400mg and I don't know if my body is just fucked (it is) or if they don't even work like that. Like, am I just wasting pills? I need a fucking longterm solution. I can't ruin my stomach lining for stuff that doesn't even work. I am genuinly starting to wonder what about perscription pain meds is so bad. Yeah I would get dependent, so what? I am in pain, it's to make the pain go away.

I don't need someone to fix it. I just need somone to tell me something that makes it less horrible. Please.

[classysongnight]

22.11.24

i'd like to be good at something. Anything

I'd like to play an instrument but i cant read notes for shit, i cont hear the notes and play them.

I'd like to be good at a sport but my body feels to sore and hurt to do anything. I wont be a ballett dancer, i wont be able to run or do gymnastics, i wont ever be a strong person.

I'd like to be smart but i'm neither naturally gifted nor do enjoy studying.

I always say i'm creative but i'm not really. I see something online and want to imitate it, i'm not really creative myself.

I dont really like people. I think most people are annoying and i'm akward in a way that makes me always feel on the outside of everything. I cant even be drunk in a normal way, i dont know how to make friends. I dont know how to love, how to let people know and go.

I say i'm honest but i'm the biggest liar. I lie to feel like i fit in. I say i've kissed people, had something like love or a relationship. I will always give non-answers to avoid being confronted about it. So people think i'm prudish, which i'm not. I just dont want you to think i'm weird, a freak or an outsider. I dont want to be juged for that, i dont want to be pittied. I dont want to be assumed. I dont want a random person to ask me if i'm asexual. Because for one, how dare you ask someone something so personal? You dont go to ppland ask if they're hypersexual either. And secondly, i dont fucking know. I'm probably on that spectrum but who knows.

So no, i cant even be honest. I dont even know who i am.

So what other things can you be good at? What else is there?

[classysongnight]

15.11.24

i think i just found the reason for my chronic pain!!

I was bored in class and in pain and i was looking up pain managment and i rediscovered the hypermobile ehlers syndrome.

I scrolled through tiktok and ppl describing symptoms and i was like ohhhh most of that fits perfectly to what my body does.

So i started looking into it more and googled about it and i'm pretty confident that that is what i have.

And while it sucks, because it would mean there isnt a cure, its awsome to know. And i can try looking into pain relief for eds.

[classysongnight]

12.11.24

I've signed up for a marauders fest. Very excited about it but i'm gonna put my tiktok on there. And before i do that i'm changing my username to this one. I dont even know why i'm so nervous about it, i know my friends and brother wont notice or care to ask about it but IF they do, i'm not really sure what to say. I dont even know who i am. How am i supposed to explain it to someone else?

[classysongnight]

draft (05.11.24)

I made this mainly to make fun of my trauma, parents, family and life. But I am fucking PISSED.

I'm not sad. I'm angry and in pain.

I dont live in America but how fucked is it that the majority of posts I saw today were ppl giving tips about how to survive the next 4 years. How fucked is it that ppl have to stock up on abortion pills, plan b, get IUDs. How fucked is it that ppl are forced to make the desicion to stop having sex.

I'm from Germany. And I'm angry. Because what do you mean everything is going to shit at the same time?!

[classysongnight]

hellooo :)

this is now officially my place to 🌟trauma dump🌟, it will be my diary, kinda. I will post whatever I want. To whoever might read this one day, it's fine, you can judge me, I judge myself too.

Why do I even do this? Great question! I dont really know but I guess to not keep everything bottled up and because I dont want to annoy my friends, I'm nice like that. Or maybe just insecure. We'll never know.