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123124

it's the last day of the year. one of the most surprisingly hectic year of my life. don't know what i did, but i'm glad i'm here right now. i may not be the happiest person out there, but i can proudly say that i'm reaching there. i'm feeling good. i still long for things that i don't have, but isn't that the point of living? to continuously seek for something to have? i don't think it's inherently greed. just people looking forward to living. if we don't have anything to look forward to, then why bother living? what are we living for other than the fact that we look forward to seeing our friends, to obtaining that one collectible, to watch that one movie that's about to be released, or to be in that concert that you bought tickets for. to live is to actively long for something. if i'm not longing, then i'm not living. i aim to have a better mindset this upcoming year. i aim to be one percent better than i was a day before. i aim to be vulnerable and to love whole-heartedly without the fear of rejection. i know the universe will give me the love i deserve this year, and i'm just here waiting with open arms. so let 'em at me. i'm ready for them. i may not be entirely my best, but i'm trying. and that's what matters, doesn't it? that we're all trying in the end?

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072824

does he think of me? does he ever wonder what could have been? does he ever wish we could have done better?

or is it all just me?

wish we could have talked. he seemed happy. i'm glad he's happy. i was so anxious to bump into him. i didn't know how to face him after all these years. it's so weird.

even now i'm wondering what could have happened.

it feels obsessive.

i'm worried that i'm turning into someone i'm not. but i guess this is what happens when there's no closure. i should think this is closure. that whatever happened between us is just... that.

may the world go on its course. whatever happens, happens.

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063024

dreamt about him last night. must be related to the fact my girlfriend recently broke up with me and i'm back to being lonely, or at least, that's what i like to tell myself.

things have not been getting any better. i have been more upset than happy these past few days and i don't know if what i've been doing means anything at all. it feels like i'm just existing for the sake of existing. like i do not matter in the grand scheme of things.

at one point, i broke down thinking all of this is worth nothing. all this pain is for nothing.

why does it have to be me?

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060424

it's weird coming back to this. feels like i'm visiting a graveyard for my emotions. it's been a while, but it feels like i'm still stuck where i was for the past couple of weeks.

it's not that i'm not doing anything, it's just that... i've come into some weird cycle of knowing what i want, spending on what i want, and then getting lost in the grand scheme of things.

i've been looking for comfort in different things; seeking for approval in different people; yet i still feel lacking. that i'm not doing any good. that i'm a lost cause.

i don't fit anywhere and if i ever am around people, i feel like this - weird person. like an odd shape trying to fit into an already solved puzzle. it's the usual 'finding your place in the world' crisis, and i already know i'm not special in that sense.

it's just that sometimes i feel like i take up too much space. laugh too loud. talk too loud. speak too little. speak too much. it's like i have to suffer in carrying the weight of me being an oddity around the people i want to be around with and sometimes, i feel overwhelmed carrying that weight.

i feel overwhelmed in carrying the weight of myself.

and if i feel overwhelmed, how much more would the people around me feel?

i've been trying to avoid in dwelling on that thought, yet talking about it now, i can't seem to stop. am i really too much? will i ever be enough?

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123023

do i miss him? or am i just lonely?

lately i've been thinking a lot about him. or he just comes into mind - in passing. nothing big. just curiosity getting the best of me. my mind sometimes like to think of the past, the could have beens. i know i've said that before already, but i want to let it out as much as i could so i wouldn't bring this energy into the new year.

i'm happy if he's happy. i hope he is.

i hope that this longing isn't because i'm just bored or that he's seeking out closure. because what other closure is there than the fact we no longer talk to each other?

we tried and i think that's what matters.

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090323

thing is, i keep telling myself i miss him, but maybe it's the potential i miss or the presence of having someone to possibly talk to - because despite the days when we were still talking, i did not really have consistent communication with him, and he has only ever sent mixed signals around me.

we needed each other at the time because we were both lonely people. we both did not know what we wanted. at this point, i don't think either of us still know what we want. so maybe fate has other plans and maybe he's not really the one that i kept telling myself he is.

regardless, i still hope for the best for him. still wish him nothing but the best. i hope he continues to prosper. i hope one day he could come back and talk - to tell me that he'd achieved his goals. and maybe then i could feel at peace.

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090223

dreamt about him last night. it was calm. like everything was resolved. that i didn't need any further explanation to whatever it is that's happening. he made me listen to a song. we talked. everything was okay.

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081623

i haven't always associated rain with something good, but my relatives kept reminding me that rain on your birthday means abundance. it rained that day. on his birthday. i kept thinking how life would be abundant for him. kept wishing that his life would be abundant.

he's deserving of it (despite despite despite).

there's really nothing else to put against him. i mocked his lack of emotional maturity when i myself haven't emotionally matured. i wanted comfort and to be comforted - and realizing now, he did bring a kind of comfort that isn't really as obvious as my best friends and soulmate does, but it's there. it's there.

i keep writing about this, wishing the universe sees how much he deserves the happiness he's been craving. i wish for nothing but good things; for good health, for a happy family, for a wonderful life ahead of him.

and as selfish as it sounds, i want to be there for him. through all the ups and downs. highs and lows. the laughter and tears. to pick up the pieces. and i wish, for a moment, he'd give the same energy to me.

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081323

it's his birthday tomorrow. don't know if i have any right to greet him or even just think about greeting him. it feels like i'm also punishing myself for something i should have long moved on from.

but his parents seem happy about the prospect. it's only mildly horrifying to be practically called out in front of a lot of people - to be reminded that it is in fact his birthday.

i don't want to push myself back in his life if he doesn't want me around. it just feels self-serving and selfish. i feel like wallowing in self-pity, but if anything, i really only ever want what's best for him.

i wish nothing but happiness on his end.

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081023

for some reason i dreamt about him. that he's moved on and found someone to take care of him and love him the way i thought i could. that when i tried talking to him and asking him if he wanted to go out, he said he's too busy with his new girl. that from all the messages i've been sending him, he decided it's best to reply to me now because he already has someone.

and that stung.

although i've constantly only ever felt disappointment, fear, and longing in my dreams - it still felt overwhelming when i woke up. so this morning had been a little off for me and i don't know where i stand.

i've watched those silly little videos talking about your future and somewhat telling you positive outcomes from cards that don't really make any sense to me, but at the moment, it made me hope that somehow someday he'd be coming back to me better than ever and knowing what he'd want between us.

it's not like i'm mad, but my thoughts are a garbled mess right now and it's a strange but familiar presence.

my wishes remain for him. i hope wherever he is now, or whatever he's doing, he's happy.

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073023

i've been on a roll lately. i don't know to word it, but somehow it's like circling back to the bitterness of what went wrong, what i did, and what lead me here. it's not so much as blaming anyone for it, but just... looking back at the circumstances or the things i could have done better.

it's always either about him, her, or whoever my mind decides to bring up.

i've been thinking i miss them. i miss his friendship. i miss the idea of her. i miss the possibilities of what we could have done. it's not so much as missing them in the present, but more of just what could have been.

well. i guess he's an exception. i do miss our late night talks. i ruined that. i guess because being emotionally ready doesn't just consist of me trying to open up about my traumas while simultaneously helping him with his, but also consist of being open to communication about what the both of us could do together. or what we could have been together.

i don't know.

if i regret anything, it's always what i did to him.

it's horrible of me to disregard his feelings and run away and hide while i sort myself out without telling him exactly how i feel. now he's all holed up again.

(i'm sorry, really. i shouldn't have dragged you into my mess cause frankly i still need a lot of figuring out and a lot of clearing my thoughts cause i don't even know who i am right now, and needing to figure out who i like is another thing to add to the list.)

i'm not making much sense, but it's early in the morning and we usually talk at this time. it's just nostalgic thinking about him while i'm up this late.

maybe it's because of how cold the night is. or maybe it's because i wish to have that kind of connection again. but it's there again. my thoughts. circling back to him.

i thought i've moved on and figured out - hey, maybe i do like girls only and this is just the comphet talking, but his friendship was really something i treasured, if that's any consolation. i really do miss him, romantic or not. or just his presence. but i know i can't bring back whatever it was that we had. because i made an awful mistake.

i hope whatever he's doing right now, he's happy. that's all i ask of the universe.

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071723.

saw a significant person of my life yesterday. it's incredible how much time changes someone and yet somehow they're still the same person you've met and loved. nothing's changed, yet a lot has.

they've cut their hair. they seem so put together. they're happier, no doubt. and i'm happy for them; happy to see that they're thriving and living their life to the best they can.

it's ridiculous how every single thing i wished for in a person, i just saw in them. didn't even ask for it or wasn't even expecting it, but it's nice to know that the things i'm looking for in someone i want to be in a relationship with are basically just me looking at my best friend.

so maybe all i want in my life is someone similar to my best friend. and maybe then i'd be able to accept the love i've been so adamant on accepting.

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071423.

dreams are tricky. i don't know why all of a sudden i'm dreaming about a person i haven't thought of in ages - and for some reason, it's the same person over and over.

to put it simply, she said she missed me (in my literal dream, of course) and that she wanted to hang out or whatever. but i doubt she would ever harbor those kinds of feelings out of dreamland because in reality, all i've ever heard from her is that we were never close, or that we were never attached.

which i get. i really do. but i think the times i stayed and helped her through some of the hardest moments in her life should count as something right? even as friends? i'd like to think it counted as something - because she at least trusted me enough to show those emotions and be honest with me throughout all that ordeal.

i guess i'm still mourning for something that could have been and i guess it's just my inner thoughts telling me that i missed her. or just the thought of her. but i can barely face her when i was so mad seeing her happy without me.

big red flag, i know.

i'm not really trying to excuse my actions. i just need to learn how to work with it and be better. i see where i'm lacking, but i'm finding it hard to work on it when i can barely address it - or face it.

i don't know... maybe i'm just scared of admitting i have made a mistake? or maybe i'm scared of seeing the disappointment in people knowing i already disappointed them? i don't know.

there's a lot i need to work on. a lot i need to fix. but i'm still stuck in that cycle. i don't even know where to start. and it's scaring me.

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something bout it felt like home somehow (❀)

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(❀).

a personal blog just filled with random vents about things that already happened but i'm too petty to let go of.

ps. occasionally, i might talk about something that i actually like and miss.