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For the first time, 19th bday was good. Most amount of presents and definitely surprises. Good friends good bonds great memories.
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School is really ruining my life.
Every teenager
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JUNE 13TH
Been really busy
2nd out of 5 exams tomorrow
It's 12.36am and have yet to study for it
Was considered either as President or Vice President for my music group
Excited but nervous
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MAY 18TH
My thoughts today:
I want to get out of this country - now
I don't love my parents, or my brothers
I don't like who I am
I feel restricted by my religion
I'm afraid of losing my faith
I want to leave everything, everyone I have right now, get a one way ticket to somewhere far, and start my life over.
I hate my life.
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MAY 10TH
When you said "hello" twice on Facebook msg, and i ignored you, then I said "I'm busy", and then you said "ok" and asked "school work?" (which btw, a question requires an ans & I'm too 'busy' to ans you), so ignored you. Two hours later you said "sorry for disturbing", "are you still busy?" and i said "yes", then you said "I'll talk to you again when you're not busy" and i ignored you AGAIN.
---> Girl terms: I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO TALK YOU. NEVER. EVER. Fucking sucks I have to face you at school.
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MAY 2ND
I'm sorry, don't like me please. I dont like knowing someone has a crush on me. I just want you as my friend, nothing more. I'm sorry both of you. I'm not a mean person but when I knew someone likes me, I usually distance myself from that person. It's just my nature to act cold towards you so you wouldn't like me anymore.
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I feel so guilty everytime i ask my dad for money. I'm sorry. I'll pay u back one day. I'll give u th money frm my production work once i get them. I'm sorry i asked for too much money.
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DAY 42 - APRIL 21ST
So today (technically yesterday, because its 12.55am) was Friday, last day of the 1st week of sch. But i didnt go to sch.
Class starts at 8 and I woke up at around 5.45 after snoozing it for 15 mins. I thought i would get in sch in time. By the time i reached the bus stop, it was already 7+, and it takes an hour to reach sch.
I went to hail a cab. It was impossible to get the cab at my side of the road and theres another woman in front of me waiting for a cab. I crossed to the other side. Luck wasnt on my side cos then theres alot of free cabs on th side I was first on. Sigh.
I was having very slight flu and cough, but still, an excuse to go to my town's polyclinic or pharmacy. After the consultation, i realised I only have $7 and some coins in my wallet. I prayed so hard it would be enough.
Got two kinds of meds and th total fee is.... $7. OH MY LUCK! HAHA Then i went back home to sleep cos Im so sleep deprived. Reached home around 10am + and slept at arounf 8pm +, ate dinner and now, at 1.07am in a Saturday, I'm readt to sleep again. Good night/morning! x
P/S: Oh yeah, and karma, now I truly am sick. Ate meds, making me extra sleepy!
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DAY 38 - APRIL 17TH
THIS GUY IS FUCKING IRRITATING. SRSLY GET AWAY FROM ME. DONT TALK TO ME/DONT CHAT W ME ON FB. Sucks that I know you in real life. Have to be stuck w you for another semester till u go off. Away. Far. Forever. x
Note to self: Talk about 1st day of sch (today) next time when I'm in a better mood.
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DAY 37 - APRIL 15TH
Just finished watchig Juno at 2:15 am on Saturday night (well, Sunday morning actually). Didn't do anything at all really today (technically, yesterday). Ate alot. Fuck getting fucking fat.
I have a photoshoot tmrw with the production people and we have to wear all black, obv. Kinda not looking forward to going there anymore to be honest. Well wtv, seems kinda rude to backout especially since we have about 2 more months before the play. Really hope it wouldn't be on the local papers or something. x
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DAY 35 - APRIL 12TH
Been really busy that I didn't blog for 6 days! Well that and cos I'm too lazy. Hah kinda worried this blog is just gonna end abruptly like my old journals again if I don't blog everyday.
First and foremost.. I'm starting to be happy again. !!!!!!! It's a journey, a long process, but I think I'm willing to take that road. I'm done being in a dark alley with so much self loathe, unhappiness and suicidal a little. All thanks to Andrew and my friends at school. Keeping myself busy definitely helps. Also started being myself w the music club people.
This morning, we had an event at school where all the CCA programmes held booths to entice the year 1 students to join. Although only 49 people signed up, I think it's fine. It's really not about quantity but for them to have a pure interest and commitment in retaining their membership in the club. Last year we had 50 and only 2 stayed. That was before 2 of my friends and I joined. Ikr.
It was really fun talking to the year 1s. This one boy made me happy. Not in an 'Ohmagad he's so cute I'm gonna date him soon' kindof way. But he was just so shy and he was wearing his former school shirt and was so proud of it i guess and I really like that. I hope I'm able to bump into him again soon when school reopens - 5 MORE DAYSSSS OMG REALLY, THAT FAST???!!! Pretty excited though for the first practice to see the year 1s!!!
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Currently on the " You're Irritating Me" list: 3 people
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DAY 29 - APRIL 6TH
So i'm still sick, which sucks. Supposed to meet M today but idk i guess she's still asleep cos she didn't reply my text. And its 2.35 pm.
It was hard trying to sleep ytd. So much tossing and turning. And still nt used to the new bed position, not bside th wall anymore. But i slept quite soundly. I put on my sleep music on haha th sound of th waves frm this app. When i abruptly woke up, i realised th phone batt was flat. Thats how i know i slept so good.
Had some pretty good dreams as well. My classmate who i barely talked to was in my dream. So is jessica alba and her husband. I knowwww so weird! Haha but it was fun. Practice again at 5! x
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I dnt even fuckin wanna know if i have insomnia or not. Oh God i hope not. But its 5.57 am, in th freaking morning, and im awake.
Thank God i dont have any plans in th morning. Set my alarm at 1. I need sleeeep! x
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DAY 25 - APRIL 2ND
Going through depression, i guess. Nobody going through depression would say they're going through depression. Idk, i guess I'm not one of them.
Thank you, Mai, and Andrew. Thank you both so much. The two people who know about my depression. Especially Andrew, gosh, thank youuuu! And I'm sick now, suck on that. x
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DAY 23 - MARCH 31ST
I messaged 4 people, FOUR PEOPLE on tumblr who I'm pretty sure have reblogged the 'i care' post that has been going around on tumblr. None of them replied to me.
I needed someone, badly. Thank God I'm still strong enough. Now, if you don't really care about other people, don't bother pretending like you do. Don't give others false hopes.
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DAY 20, 21, 22 - MARCH 28TH, 29TH, 30TH
MARCH 30TH: Just did some awesome workouts a 13mins and an 18mins workout frm this app. Feels so great cos today was one of th days i woke up feeling fat. Its raining now. Off to meet my 3 bffs later! So psyched!
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MARCH 29TH: I have th whole day to myself today so I cleaned up my room, every corner of it (th ones i could reach ofcourse). My room was wayy to dusty. Organised th whole furniture. Tmrw I’ll prbbly go to daiso to buy some hooks or smthg to hang my necklaces.
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MARCH 28TH: We have no practices today but we played some games one of them was running man, a tradition in th group based on a korean show. I dnt like anything related to korean so… but th game was fun though, tiring but fun!
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