cmtwimagines

[cmtwimagines]

Drifting Apart

AARON HOTCHNER X READER

SUMMARY: You knew Aaron's job took a lot of his time, but you never imagined you would feel so left out of his life.

WARNINGS: insecurities (reader), slight mention of disordered eating/body dysmorphia, oblivious/neglectful hotch

WORD COUNT: 2.8k

The excitement you felt was palpable through the entire apartment. You spent the whole day cleaning, cooking, just overall preparing for Aaron to get home.

While he never went into too much detail about his cases and his job in general, his tone through texts and calls fills you in a bit on how he’s doing, and you know that the case him and the team have been working on was definitely not an easy one. He’s been more blunt and seemingly less interested in keeping the conversation going which you were trying not to take offense by, but hopefully when he comes home to the relaxing atmosphere of your shared apartment he will be back to his normal, loving self.

Just as you were plating both of your dinners you heard the sound of the front door unlocking. The ball in your stomach went crazy, your excitement sky rocketing knowing you are about to finally see Aaron after almost two weeks of him being away.

Moving out of the kitchen and towards the front door you were met with the sight of him slipping his shoes off and setting his briefcase down on the entryway table.

“Hi honey,” you greeted him softly, slowly grabbing his attention from the deep thought he was in. He turned his vision towards you and a small smile graced his face.

“Hi baby,” he replied. He walked towards you and gathered you in a hug, kissing the top of your head as you tucked yourself into his chest. Just the smell of him was sending your body into overdrive. God you missed him.

“I missed you,” you mumbled into his chest before pulling your head back to look up at him. His expression showcased that his brain was clearly somewhere else, not even bothering to look down at you, “dinner is ready, I cooked your favorite!”

That got his attention, but only for him to let out a deep sigh and step away from you. Your heart ached a bit at the motion, but you tried to remind yourself that his nerves are most likely shot and he’s tired.

“I’m not really hungry, I had a late lunch. I have more work I need to do so I’ll be in my office,” he shared, giving your hand a slight squeeze before walking off towards his office.

You really couldn’t help the frown from covering your face. He’s usually so excited to come home and spend time with you, but this time felt different. This time felt like he was almost annoyed that he was having to deal with yet another person (you). You willed yourself not to overthink it and got to covering his plate with tin foil and setting it in the fridge. What’s one more night of eating dinner by yourself, right?

Well, one night turned into two, which turned into four, which turned into an entire week of Aaron shutting down your dinners and overall spending no time with you. It’s like he’s home, but not really. With the way you were feeling, he may as well have still been on a case states away.

You tried to greet him every night when he entered the house, but it was always just a small hug and if you were lucky, a forehead kiss. He hasn’t even given you a full kiss since he’s been home. Most nights you’re asleep in bed hours before he joins you, and he’s up and gone before you’ve awaken.

You couldn’t help but ruminate in your mind that you must be doing something wrong. Maybe you were acting too clingy? Or maybe he came to his senses and realized he could do a lot better than you? Your insecurities ran wild and your days were growing treacherous, even your boss has began to ask you if you were doing alright.

You stood in front of your bathroom mirror taking in the sight of yourself. It took a good year and a half of being with Aaron for him to convince you that you were beautiful and that he’s never been so attracted to someone in his life, but now you weren’t so sure. Maybe if you made some changes he would start noticing you again. Maybe he was growing bored of the relationship or is coming to the realization that he doesn’t need you, and as much as you tried to tell yourself that’s not the kind of guy Aaron is and that it’s most likely his job that’s just stressing him out, your own brain couldn’t fathom that it’s anything but an issue with you.

You stood back and looked over your whole body. You’ve definitely gained what they claim as “happy relationship weight” and you couldn’t help but curse at yourself over that. Maybe he just wasn’t attracted to you anymore and his way of skirting around that is to just claim he has work to do so he can hole up in his office and not have you make advances towards him? Maybe since you stopped putting so much effort into your appearance he just doesn’t feel the same way he did in the beginning of the relationship?

You decided then and there that you would make some changes.

More weeks passed, and Aaron continued to go on multiple more work trips leaving you at home to work on yourself. You were successfully losing weight (logically you knew you weren’t doing it in the smartest of ways but no one was there to notice or stop you). You had your hair lightened, your teeth whitened, and you even went and thrifted a whole new wardrobe.

You rationally knew that you didn’t have to do all of this, that you shouldn’t have to do all of this to keep a relationship going, but your love for Aaron overtook any reasonable thought from your brain.

“Y/N? Where are you?” You heard Aaron call throughout the apartment. Your eyes widened at the sound of his voice. You hurried to hide the scale you were just stepping on and threw your clothes back on right as there was a knock on the bathroom door.

“I’ll be right out Aaron!” You hastily responded, wiping any remaining tears from your eyes and fanning your face, begging your body to cooperate with you.

You took a deep breath as you opened the door and immediately spotted him sitting on the edge of the bed looking right towards you as you stood in the bathroom doorway. His eyes widened a bit as a breath was stolen from him. This made you want to curl in on yourself more than you already were.

“I didn’t expect you home so soon,” you mumbled, stuck in your spot not knowing if you could approach him or not. This was all so weird, things had changed and you couldn’t figure out why. You didn’t know why he grew distant or why it all the sudden seemed like he could live without you. You two were doing really well, you even thought a proposal was in the near future.

“You changed your hair,” he stated. Not a compliment, but definitely not said with any malice.

“Yeah, I thought some change might be good,” you responded, still not being able to meet his eye contact. A soft sigh escaped his mouth as he stood up from the bed and walked towards you. You stiffened up a bit, not knowing what to expect out of this conversation. Was he going to break up with you? Was he going to fix things? Your mind was going crazy. You felt like you were going crazy.

His hand reached up to twirl some of your hair, inspecting it a bit more.

“You look beautiful no matter what color your hair is,” he whispered. This is the most attention he’s given you in weeks and it broke your heart a bit that maybe your suspicions were correct. Maybe he wasn’t attracted to you as you were and now this new look was bringing him back into the relationship.

You finally brought yourself to make eye contact with him, just for your eyes to begin filling with tears. You didn’t want to cry in front of him, in fear that it would chase him away even more, but there was nothing you could do in this moment. He was only a step away with his attention directly on you, and a frown was covering his own face.

“I’m sorry,” you choked out, bringing your hands up to your face to cover the tears that began to fall. The negative feelings you’ve felt over the past weeks surfacing just because of the slightest attention from him.

Deep down you felt angry. Angry that he was able to go day by day without your love and affection while all you wanted was his attention and love right back. Angry that he’s coming out of the woodworks now and suddenly ready to give you his attention. But you mainly felt insecure and sad. Insecure about yourself and that you clearly weren’t living up to what he needed. Sad that all you could think about was him and getting his attention just to never receive it.

“Why are you sorry?” He asks, lightly setting his hands on yours to pull them away from your face. You held your hands tighter against yourself, not quite wanting to face him yet. He retracted his hands but stayed where he was standing, not giving you anymore space, “Are you okay, honey? What’s going on?”

His question was enough for you to pull your hands away from yourself and give him a bewildered look. Does he not realize what he’s done over the past month or so? Does he not feel the separation between the two of you? Did he even miss you like you missed him over this time?

“What do you mean what’s going on?” You asked exasperated, “this is the first time you’ve truly talked to me in like a month, Aaron. I expected to come out of this bathroom and have you break up with me!” You exclaimed, throwing your hands up in the air just to land back at your sides.

“Break up with you?” He quietly repeats, taking a few steps back from you. His brows were furrowed, and he seemed to finally take in your state. You had lost a good amount of weight, the bones in your face a bit more prominent and deep bags formed under your eyes. You were wearing an outfit he had never seen you in, and it overall felt like you were cosplaying someone else.

“Was it something I did? Or the way I look? I promise I can change, just please don’t break up with me. I don’t want to experience this life without you,” you sobbed. You were beginning to panic, letting your insecurities out in fear that this will be one of your last moments with him.

His shocked face turned to a frown as he quickly approached you, pulling you into his chest and tucking your head under his chin.

“Y/N, I need you to believe me when I say I will never break up with you. You are it for me,” he speaks, rubbing your back to try and quell your sobs, “you did nothing wrong, there is nothing wrong with the way you look. you absolutely do not need to change anything about yourself. Is that why you changed your hair? And lost some weight? I am so sorry sweetheart,” he continues. He puts his hands on your arms and peels you apart so he can look you in your eyes, “I am so sorry, Y/N. I am sorry I made you feel this way. Work has just been crazy and I’ve been seemingly ignoring the one thing that matters most to me,” he admits. Your tears begin to slow but the shake throughout your body stayed put.

“You barely talked to me. You wouldn’t eat dinner with me, we haven’t spent time together in over a month. We sleep in the same bed but it feels like we’re worlds apart. Did you even miss me?” You replied, your heart breaking at your own words. He let out a deep sigh and began walking you back to the bed, gently sitting you down on it as he dropped to his knees so he was looking up at you while holding your hands.

“Believe me when I say I think about you all the time. I have missed you, and I have noticed the distance, I just didn’t know how to fix it with what was going on in my work life, but that’s not a good excuse,"

"You're right, Aaron, that's not a good excuse," you interrupted. You couldn't help but let your anger seep through a bit. He had noticed it all but didn't feel the need to change anything?

"I love you so much," you continued, "I love you so much that I've stuck through this, but I somehow blamed it on myself and thought there was something wrong with me. I thought I had done something wrong or you realized you weren't attracted to me, and it's not fair for you to just show back up and apologize like this past month hasn't hurt me to no ends."

He was still looking up at you from his kneeling position on the ground in front of you, his brows furrowed as he thought of a response.

"I should've communicated with you more, I know that," he started, placing his hands on each of your knees and gently rubbing, "I shouldn't have let work distract me so much from you, my sweet girl. I hate that I made you doubt yourself. Please let me make it up to you. You deserve so much better than how I've been treating you."

You couldn't help the tears filling your eyes once more. You hadn't thought about your reconciliation with Aaron throughout all of this. You hadn't thought about how you wanted him to apologize or what it would take for you to feel better about this all. All you know is you are grateful that he's back, and safe, and seemingly still in love with you.

"You still love me?" you ask quietly.

"Of course I do, honey. You are the love of my life. I couldn't even imagine not being in love with you."

He brought up a hand to wipe underneath your eyes before pulling you into a hug, tucking your head into the crook of his neck. You felt your body relax and took in a deep breath, letting the scent of him level your mind out.

"How about we start small?" he asks, bringing your attention back to the conversation and not just the physical comfort he was bringing you, "How about I order dinner in, you pick out a movie and we can get comfy on the couch and have an at home date night?"

"Yeah?" you ask, "you don't have any work to do?" you couldn't help question from falling from your mouth. You didn't want to hurt him or throw things back in his face, but you were still just a bit upset.

"No, baby. I have no work to do, and I have requested the entire weekend off so I can spend more time with you. I'm sorry for everything, sweetheart. I promise it'll never happen again."

He stood up from his kneeling position and grabbed your hands, pulling you up so you were standing face to face.

"I love you, and i'm so grateful for you. Thank you for sticking with me even when i'm hard to be with. Now please let me be here for you."

You couldn't help the small smile from forming on your face before falling into his embrace. He was quick to wrap his arms around you and kiss the top of your head. A deep sigh escaped your mouth, finally feeling the comfort you've been craving. Slowly turning your head up, you caught his attention before leaning in and kissing him. His hand gently carressed your cheek, pulling you deeper into the kiss. As you separated small smiles covered both of your faces, and your breaths mingled as you rested your foreheads together.

"I will never take advantage of your love for me ever again. I am sorry for abandoning you and making you feel like I wasn't in love with you anymore. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you."

You nodded at his words, not having much to say other than acknowledging his apology.

"Now come on, let's decide what you're in the mood for dinner wise. I brought some nice wine home, and we can chat until the food gets here. I want to hear about every little thing that I have missed."

You knew this was a good start. You knew this conversation wasn't fully over and that you would have time to organize your thoughts and say what you really needed to say about the situation, but you didn't need to let them all out now. For now you were going to be thankful that he is back and you get a full weekend with him. For now you were going to bask in the fact that you have your Aaron back, and you two are back on the same page.

A/N - My writing is a little rusty from not writing for years, pls bare with me hahahaha i couldn't get the ending right on this but i was sick of it sitting in my drafts so i'm posting anways

[cmtwimagines]

I'm Back!

Hiiii everyone! It has been quite a few years since I have posted anything, but I am back to writing!

I have a few stories that I am writing for my own selfish reasonings, but feel free to send requests! I will filter through and write what I want, but don't be afraid to request whatever your mind desires! Just understand that I may not do it lol

It's weird coming back on here - the last time I truly sat down to write I was 22, and I'm 26 now, but I need to pick a hobby back up and this is it. I would prefer to only write for Spencer Reid, or Aaron Hotchner, but again, do not be afraid to request for someone else (only in the criminal minds fam though!)

Thank you to anyone who has loved my writing up until now! It's very nice to see that my writing is being loved to this day <3

All the love,

Bea

[cmtwimagines]

Just Another Day

PLATONIC-ISH COWORKER!SEBASTIAN STAN x READER x (TINY BIT OF) PLATONIC COWORKER!MATTHEW GRAY GUBLER 

SUMMARY: You had gotten too comfortable at your old job where no one noticed anything about you and didn’t think about how hard it would be to hide your ongoing secrets from your new coworkers.

WARNINGS: Domestic Abuse, Mentions of Anxiety

WORD COUNT: 4.4k (whew another long one, oopsies!)

You knew with starting a new job that some of your secrets would shine through eventually. You were beyond grateful to have gotten this job, even if it was just retail. You had been struggling financially which had taken a toll on your mental health, so working again and knowing you have consistent paychecks coming your way was relieving.

Compared to your previous job, it only took the first day working at this new company to realize how bad you previously had it and how lucky you were to have landed this one. Your coworkers were all so nice, and while the customers you dealt with continuously acted like they were above you, that was just a part of working in retail.

Your anxiety was heightened during the first few days. You didn’t know anyone and you had to go through the constant motions of introducing yourself to anyone and everyone even though the very last thing you wanted to do was draw attention to yourself. The assistant store manager, Sebastian, was always checking in on you, even going as far as to ask how you were feeling mentally being thrown into such a large environment as the new person. You always responded that you were doing fine, but your anxiety was always creeping around the corner. You struggled with controlling your emotions at your previous job, always feeling so unprofessional and naive to cry or get upset when things got too much so you felt as if you needed to make a pact with yourself to not show as much emotion at this new job. 

You had noticed the pattern of male dominance throughout your new job. A lot of the women worked around the front end, leaving you to be one of the few working the floor with mainly men. You tried not to let your nerves show through each time you had to converse with some of the guys. You knew everyone here was going to be professional, but your guard was still up that one of them could act out.

The feeling of your phone continuously vibrating broke you out of your thoughts as you worked on the task at hand. You knew exactly who it was and fought the urge to roll your eyes, but even when you weren’t with him you didn’t do anything that would get you in trouble if you were in his eyesight. Taking a peek around you, you slyly pulled your phone out of your pocket, reading the texts from your boyfriend, most of them not being important but you knew the rule on texting back. Typing out a quick response with little commentary and answers to each of the texts, you slipped your phone back into your work vest.

“You doing alright over here?” you couldn’t help the small jump your body did out of habit while turning around with your hand over your chest. A small chuckle left Sebastian's mouth as he apologized for sneaking up on you. You could feel the heat rising to your face and neck, embarrassed at the thought of what he just witnessed.

“It’s fine, i’m doing fine,” you replied, nodding your head a bit towards what you were working on as if to prove that you were actually doing something productive, “I should easily be able to finish this all before i’m off today.”

“Oh good, thank you,” he smiled, “Just let me or Matthew know if you’re ever getting too overwhelmed and we’ll back off on giving you so many projects.”

“Oh trust me, compared to what i did at my last job, i am completely happy and not overwhelmed here, but thank you anyways.”

Your conversation lasted a few minutes longer before he had to run off to help out in another part of the store leaving you to get back to your task. 

The day flew by and before you knew it, it was the end of your last shift of your first week. You were overall ecstatic about working again and having such an easy going manager. The entire week went by so fast and luckily hasn’t added any more stress to your already stressful life. 

Waving goodbye to a few of your coworkers, you peeked into Sebastian’s office to see him and Matthew having a conversation. You were about to duck back out, but made eye contact with Matthew and he was quick to halt their conversation, waving you in.

“You heading out for the day?” he asked, a small smile gracing his face. 

Sebastian was the one who initially interviewed you for your job. He brought a comforting presence and was a huge reason why you felt it was a no brainer for you to take the job offer. Everyone else you talked to during the hiring process had nothing but kind things to say about him, and within the past week you understood and agreed with all the compliments that were laid upon him. Matthew was a manager you had met on your first day. You didn’t know what to expect out of him, other than the fact that Sebastian had referred to him as the peace making string bean. You initially laughed at that but upon meeting him, it was an incredibly fitting description. You felt no awkwardness or uncomfortableness around him, and thoroughly enjoyed the times you’ve gotten to work with him over the past week.

“Yeah, i’m sorry, i don’t mean to interrupt, i just wanted to wish you both a good weekend,” you retorted. You hadn’t felt much fear while working around all the men you do, but the possibility that either of them could be annoyed or upset that you just interrupted their conversation stuck in your head.

“No need to apologize, thank you, y/n,” Sebastian cut in, “You go have a great weekend, and we’ll see you bright and early on Monday, yeah?” You nodded, sending one last small wave before heading out of the office and the entire building altogether.  

Your smile faded and your nerves began to pick up on your drive home. You knew better than to talk about your new coworkers with your boyfriend, in fear that he’ll get upset that you spend so much time working with mainly other men. You used to find his jealousy endearing, thinking he was just worried to lose you, but it quickly grew tiring and left you feeling guilty and scared.

Your boyfriend had the tendency to not be able to control his anger. You’d been together for close to four years now, and about halfway through that something snapped in him and changed him for the worst. Any little thing could set him off, and while throwing verbal insults at you was his main technique, he has put his hands on you more than you’d like to admit. You felt so trapped and stupid for still being in love with him. You wanted to blame this all on a rough patch and that he was just stressed out, but it’s been a few years now and you’re worried that this is how it’ll always be. You didn’t have anyone else to turn to, and if you two broke up you didn’t know where you’d even go considering there’s no way you could afford to live on your own.

As you approached and parked near your apartment building, you quickly regain your composure and gave yourself a quick pep talk. You’ve got this, just put a smile on your face and hope he’s in a good mood. This weekend doesn’t have to be horrible.

* * *

By time Monday morning came around, more than half of your body was bruised and your confidence was at an all time low. The words your boyfriend yelled at you swam around in your brain, and the pain of the punches, slaps, and kicks he planted on you were felt over your entire body. He’d never been so ruthless when it came to his beatings before and you knew it was because you didn’t shut up about work and he had figured out about how much you work with other men. You just wanted to share how good things were going, but you should’ve known how fast doing that had the potential to upset him.

He had usually been careful to avoid your face, but this time there was a prominent black eye forming and no amount of makeup would cover it so you made sure you had an excuse to give to anyone who asks what happened. You dreaded the conversations that were bound to happen as you walked into work, your anxiety at an all time high at the thought of facing both Sebastian and Matthew. 

The day started off as good as it was going to get. Every time you bent over or extended your body too far you were reminded of every hit your body took. You felt your anger rising every time you winced or had to deeply exhale. Every time something like this happened you always questioned why you put yourself through it but always come back to the two answers: as horrible as it was, you still loved him. You had such good times together and sometimes he just got angry, and most of the time you could find the blame in yourself for making him angry. Also, you were stuck. Even if you didn’t love him anymore and were actively looking for an escape, you wouldn’t be able to afford anything on your own and you would have nowhere to go.

“Y/n?” You winced at Matthew’s voice behind you. You didn’t want to turn around, but you also knew that you would come off as rude and the last thing you wanted to do was make someone else mad.

“Goodmorning Matthew,” you offered back, slowly turning around to face him. You cringed at the look on his face and quickly avoided eye contact.

“I had a couple people inform me that you had a black eye so I wanted to check for myself and lo and behold you do. Are you okay?” He asks. You wanted to laugh at the question, but instinctually nodded.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” you quickly answered, “I was cleaning this weekend and slipped while mopping the kitchen. Fell right onto the corner of my counter,” you chuckled, hoping your lie sounded realistic. He eyed you for a second longer, not seeming to buy your excuse. You could feel your heart rate spike and habitually began playing with your nails. He looked down towards your movements before looking back up to make eye contact with you which you held for a few seconds before choosing to look anywhere but his eyes. You cursed at yourself for being so obvious, but you didn’t know how else to act in this situation.

“It looks like it hurts, do you need anything?” He continued. You shook your head no, already knowing you’ve taken enough ibuprofen for the day and even that wasn’t helping too much so you just have to work through the pain.

“I’m fine, promise.”

You could tell by his expression that he was uncomfortable with the conversation and that it clearly wasn’t going the way he wanted it too, but he seemed to let it go for now with a simple “let me know if you need anything, mine and sebastian’s doors are always open” to which you thanked him and turned back around to your task. You could feel his eyes linger on you for a second longer before he walked away. You let out a deep breath, leaning your forehead against the shelf in front of you. You knew you were a horrible liar. You had even practiced for conversations exactly like that and still you sucked at lying. It’s like you couldn’t do anything right.

With one last deep sigh you attempted to get back to work, but your mind wouldn’t stop replaying the conversation over in your head. You thought of all the ways it could’ve gone, and all the other things you could’ve said to seem less suspicious. You cursed at yourself for fucking up yet another thing. 

You avoided eye contact with any other coworkers, and customers after that. Keeping your head down was your best option to not bring any more attention to yourself. Your entire body ached, including the splitting headache that was starting to form from either thinking too hard, or the throbbing that was going on around your eye. Potentially both things at the same time.

You jumped a bit at the sound of your work walkie talkie going off in your pocket.

“Hey y/n, can you come to my office when you get a chance?” The familiar sound of Sebastian's voice rang through the area you stood in. Your heart dropped, the idea of being in a small room with a man not seeming like the best idea, but he was also your boss and you couldn’t just say no.

“Yeah, i’ll be there in just a minute,” you responded, quickly starting to clean up the little mess you had created in your work area before taking your sweet time walking to Sebastian’s office. You know it was ridiculous to even think that he was going to hurt you, but after the weekend you had it was going to take a bit of time to not be uncomfortable around anyone and everyone. 

The sound of both Matthew and Sebastian’s voice rang in your ears as you approached the office. You heard the last bit of what Matthew was saying and instantly had the urge to just run out of the building altogether. 

“I’m telling you Seb, this isn’t a slip-in-the-kitchen black eye, this is a black eye you get when someone punches you. I’m surprised her nose isn’t broken or something.”

You squeezed your eyes shut, willing yourself not to cry. You tried to build yourself up, thinking of every excuse you could and practicing every reassuring sentence you could think of that might get them off your back. It wasn’t their business after all, right?

With one last deep breath, you knocked on the cracked open door and slowly stepped through it. Your eyes were instantly drawn to Sebastian and the stern face he held. His eyes scanned your face before unintentionally running down your body as if to look for any other exposed bruises. His face loosened up upon returning back to your frightened gaze.

“Everything okay? Am i in trouble or something?” you asked, looking in between the two men. Your body felt like it was on fire from both the bruises covering it, and the intense gaze you were receiving from both of them. Their gazes softened a bit more at your question as they both shook their heads, shutting down the idea that i was in trouble.

“No, no y/n, you’ve done nothing wrong. I just wanted to check in on you, with this black eye and all. I know Matthew’s already checked in on you, but i just wanted to see how you are doing,” Sebastian spoke up. You looked between the both of them and felt a bit of anger rise at the uncomfortable situation you’ve been put into. You told Matthew you were fine, why couldn’t he have just kept to himself?

“Like i told Matthew earlier, i’m fine, just fell is all,” you retorted, sending a small glance at Matthew hoping he would get the hint that you weren’t too happy about this conversation. 

“Looks like more than a fall,” Sebastian continued to say while standing up to lean against his desk. You unintentionally moved back a bit, not taking much notice of your own actions over your heartbeat being the only thing you could currently hear. Sebastian and Matthew shared a look before Sebastian took a step away from his desk, approaching you a bit more. You flinched and took another step back, accidentally backing right into the doorknob hitting a big bruise that covered your lower back. You couldn’t help the gasp that escaped your lips as you brought a hand back to cover the spot you had just bumped trying to release some of the pain by rubbing it. 

Sebastian was quick to retreat as he watched you fully flinch away from him. He was more than four feet away from you even when he did take a few steps towards you, but your reaction was enough for him to confirm some of his suspicions. 

“Hey Matthew, do you think we could have the room?” Sebastian asked, getting a curt nod from Matthew as he looked back towards you and offered you a sympathetic smile. Honestly you didn’t want that. You didn’t want anyone's sympathetic or pitiful looks. You deserved everything that happened to you. You could feel tears forming in your eyes and instantly felt shameful. You made a pact with yourself to not show weakness and it’s only taken you a week or so and your emotions are already coming through.

You continuously blinked, willing your tears to go away as you scooted away from the door allowing Matthew to leave the room. Sebastian gestured at a chair near him and you hesitated to take it. You knew it would hurt to sit down and that there was no hiding the grimaces, but the look in Sebastian's eyes let you know that he’s already caught on to a lot of what's going on. 

You approached the chair and slowly sat down, trying to hold back how much pain you felt from putting pressure on the bruise on your tailbone and the one on the back of your left thigh.

“Are you safe?” was the first question he asked you, and before you could even think you habitually nodded. You knew it was a lie, and deep down you knew things were just going to get worse. You’d never seen your boyfriend as mad as he was over the weekend. It was like a constant where he’d just see you and see red. You walked on eggshells all weekend, and even before you left for work today you felt as if you weren’t allowed to take up any space. You were the furthest thing from safe. You looked up and made eye contact with Sebastian and instantly regretted it. The tears that you had managed to push back made their way to your eyes quicker than ever and fell before you had the chance to hide them.

“I’m sorry,” you whimpered out, covering your face. You were humiliated that all of this was going on. You had gotten away with covering bruises and hiding emotions from all your coworkers at your previous job. The attention you were receiving now made you think maybe everyone you previously worked with were just assholes, but also that you would rather be ignored than be seen how you are right now. 

“y/n... why are you apologizing?” he breathed out, scooting his chair a bit closer to yours.

“I made a pact not to cry and here i am a week in and already crying in front of you.” 

“Well you’re clearly crying about something important so why don’t you tell me about that,” you shook your head, looking up at him for the first time since you started crying. You could feel a sob escaping your mouth before you could push it back down while shaking your head back and forth. 

“I can’t tell you,” you sobbed out.

“Listen, I know your outside life isn’t any of my business, but I also care about every employee in this building and seeing you come in with a black eye and clearly other bruises on your body, I’m just worried.”

You sat there for a second contemplating all of your choices. You could continue to lie and push everything back stating that he was indeed right, your outside life was none of his business, or you could tell him the truth and let him in on one of your deepest secrets. You could feel your head pounding, and you could hear your heartbeat grow erratic. Your tears had momentarily stopped but now your entire body was in panic mode. You couldn’t continue to make eye contact with him and instead chose to look down at your hands in your lap. 

“I’ll lose everything. It’s either this or nothing, Sebastian. I’m fine, i’ve been fine,” you offered up. You weren’t lying, but even what you said felt wrong coming out. how did you end up like this? How stupid are you to let yourself get this deep in the abuse and the relationship altogether?

“Hey, please look at me,” he scooted even closer, his knees nearly touching your own. His voice was soft, almost pleading so you gave in and lifted your head. You weren’t used to being talked so gently to, “Is your partner the one doing this to you?” he grimaced a bit at the question, almost like he felt bad even suggesting that incase he was wrong, but the way his body tensed up at your eyes quickly averting away from him you knew he got his answer.

“He loves me. I just do and say things that he doesn’t like,” you shrugged as if what you just said wasn’t a major problem. Your eyes began to fill with tears again and you let out an annoyed huff, “I’m sorry Sebastian, i really shouldn’t be telling you any of this. There’s nothing you can do to help me. I’ve grown used to the fact that i am stuck in my relationship.”

“y/n please look at me,” he asked again, seemingly satisfied when you complied, “just that sentence alone is enough to scare me. A grown man, hell even a child knows not to hit other people. There’s nothing normal about this situation and you need to get out of it. I’m not going to sit here and say it’ll be smooth sailing and that you’ll instantly be happy once it’s over, but for your own safety and livelihood i need you to know that it’s not your fault that he’s hurting you. There’s nothing you could do or say to justify the pain you’re in right now.”

You wanted to fight him on that but the look on his face told you to not even try. He seemed genuinely upset, distraught even. 

“What am i supposed to do?” you ask, throwing your hands up to gesture your frustration. 

“Do you have anyone else you can stay with?” you shook your head no, informing him that the only reason you moved up here was so your boyfriend could get you away from your loved ones. He grunted at that, rolling his chair back so he was back near his desk. He started to search something on his computer and the looks of a hotel made your eyes go wide.

“I can’t put anything like that on my card. He’ll see it and freak.”

“I wasn’t expecting you to pay for this. I’ll pay for it so it’ll have no trace to your name. So there’s your living situation for a while until we can get you something better. I will also happily help you with getting any of your belongings out of your current place. My close buddy is a police here in town and can also accompany us to ensure your absolute safety because there’s no guarantee without him that i wouldn’t beat the shit out of your boyfriend,” he talked so casually like what he was saying wasn’t changing your entire life. You shook your head not being able to wrap your mind around this true chance to get away from your boyfriend. There’s so many things that could go wrong, would all of this be worth it when there’s always that possibility that your boyfriend could absolutely lose it and want to actually kill you? There’s so many stories out there of partners exactly like your boyfriend that won’t take a break up seriously and come back to stalk, hurt and kill their exes. would you end up just another one of those damaged ex girlfriends?

The two of you sat in silence for a minute before he finally looked away from his computer screen and looked at your frightened face. He would never understand how your mind works through this terrible situation but he so badly wanted to help. 

“Why are you willing to help me so much?” You manage to ask. You look up at him and see something flash over his expression before it goes back to being soft. 

“You’re worth more than you think. You’re sure as hell worth more than being beaten down by scum. I care, i know matthew cares, even the others who brought up your black eye to both of us care. You just haven't been shown affection like that in who knows how long and think i’m doing something crazy here when really i just want you to be safe and happy. it’s what any decent human wants for everyone else.”

For the first time in years you had the urge to hug. You wanted to throw your arms around Sebastian and say a million thank yous, but you didn’t want to overstep.

“Sebastian i just - i don’t know what to say,” you chuckled out through the few tears that slipped out. 

“You don’t have to say anything, let’s just talk over this a bit, i’ll give my friend a call and we’ll get a plan set up.” you nodded as you both stood up. Your legs felt weak and the pain of standing straight up was overwhelming but you sufficed through. 

He watched how you moved and a deep frown covered his face. Your previous thoughts of overstepped evacuated your mind and without thinking you couldn’t stop yourself from throwing your arms around him. It took a second for him to register what was going on, but he was gentle to wrap his arms around your back. You felt tense, but the second he reciprocated the hug your body loosened up and a small sense of happiness floated throughout your entire being. Everything was going to change. You were actually going to do this. There was so much that was going to happen, but for the first time in forever you felt relieved so for now, you were just going to embrace that.

A/N - please let me know if i should do another part to this! I do have more ideas for the storyline that would involve more of a relationship between the reader and sebastian, but i don’t want to do it if no one else wants that hahah

[cmtwimagines]

Hey love!! I hope you’re feeling better!! I love your post and, please take it easy. Please don’t stress yourself :(

You’re too sweet! I am feeling a bit better, at least enough to get another imagine posted hahah, but thank you for the kind words and concern! I appreciate it so much!

[cmtwimagines]

The Secret

PETER PARKER X READER

SUMMARY: You didn’t even know how to process your own emotions over the situation, what would Peter think?

WARNINGS: None really, a lil self doubt. a bit of angst, but ends fluffy!

WORD COUNT: 2.4k

REQUEST PROMPT: Would you do an angsty one, where reader finds out she's pregnant, and is afraid that peter will break up with her, so a she starts to ghost him, or smth like that, but when peter finds out, he's super happy and they make up - I did age him a bit so the characters are graduated out of high school!

You and Peter took great precaution when it came to having sex. Like any other eighteen year olds, you both weren’t ready to be parents. Especially considering it’s almost a nightly occurrence that Peter puts his life on the line for the sake of helping innocent civilians.

You have never, and you never would ask Peter to give up his crime fighting. You saw the peace and joy it brought him, even when he ends up with black eyes or other bruises scattered across his body. He found any pain that was planted on him was worth saving someone else from death or serious trauma. You would never want to take that away from him. In fact, it’s that selflessness that made you fall in love with him.

Even with all he’s been through, he always comes home to your guys’ shared apartment with a small smile and a kiss. The two of you dated throughout all of high school, before he even turned into “spider-man”

You guys have been through so much more than anyone knows, and the instant you two graduated you were quick to find a nice apartment in the middle of New York City to start your adventure off by yourselves. You loved everything about being in a relationship with Peter. While you sometimes wished he was there more often to fall asleep together, or even that he was there more than fifty percent of the time to wake up to, there wasn’t anything substantial that would ever make you want to leave him.

That was until the positive sign showed up on the pregnancy test you had just taken.

Your mind wracked through any and all of the times you and Peter had sex, and you can’t think of any time where you had forgotten to take your birth control. You had a set schedule every day, and taking your prescribed pills at the same time is a constant that you haven’t forgotten ever. 

Panic started to set in as you began to think about what this means. A literal human was going to be growing inside of you, and your boyfriend was a crime fighter that could die any day. You hated to think like that, but it was the truth. It was the icing on top that you both were so young. You were just about to start your first year of college, and Peter was about to start training with Tony at the Stark Tower. Things were falling together, just for this tiny plus sign to cause everything to fall apart.

What if he leaves you for this? You shook your head at the thought. You knew he wasn’t quite ready to have a kid, but he wasn’t heartless. But what if he gets angry at you? What if he asks you to get an abortion? You were stuck. You fully supported those who wanted to get abortions, not everyone is fit to be a mother, or has the right financial situation, or some people just don’t want to push a baby out of their vagina, but you’ve always dreamt of having your own kid. You’ve wanted to practice your own and better parenting techniques that you knew you naturally had from years of watching your parents do the wrong thing. You were conflicted between despising that you got pregnant, and feeling unbelievably grateful and happy that you were. 

You looked at yourself in the mirror. You still held the pregnancy test in your hands as you stared at your own wide eyes, unable to stop yourself from glancing down at your stomach as if you would even be showing yet. You were snapped out of your thoughts when you heard the front door open and Peter’s signature greeting yelled out to you. You quickly threw the pregnancy test in your makeup bag, zipping it up, and heading out of the bathroom to the kitchen where Peter was pouring himself a glass of water.

When he saw you, a smile popped on his face, and for a split second your mind was at ease. You loved Peter, no doubt about that, but you couldn’t help but wonder if he’ll still love you after this. You can’t help but wonder if the longer you wait to tell him, the more angry and upset he’ll get with you.

“Hello, love. How was your day?” he asks as he walks towards you, giving you a quick kiss. You swayed a bit and licked your lips that had become dry by the question, telling him your day was fine and that you hadn’t done anything that crazy. You technically weren’t lying. 

“How about you? Anything exciting? Are you going out tonight or are you staying home with me?” You ask, trying to turn the conversation away from yourself.

He went on for a bit, talking about what him and Stark had discussed about him starting to train with the Avengers. The thought of him becoming an even bigger, actual superhero freaked you out a bit. You knew the Avengers were constantly traveling, fighting larger scales of crime that terrorize huge cities versus the usual small crimes that Peter fights by himself locally. The fact that you were pregnant popped into your mind and you could feel yourself grow nauseous. He wouldn’t want this. Not when his life was picking up so much, there’s no way he would want a kid right now.

So you stayed quiet. Each day you woke up, you couldn’t tell whether you felt sick because of the pregnancy or because of this huge lie you were hiding from Peter, but either way, you hated this feeling.

On the fourth day of managing to keep conversation short without disturbing the peace between you and Peter, you had a doctors appointment to confirm whether you were actually pregnant. You didn’t doubt that you were, even though it was early on, you could feel it deep in your body that things were changing.

By the end of the appointment you felt numb. You were indeed pregnant, and hearing it come from a doctor with a “congratulations” after the announcement, you felt everything hit you. You were pregnant. At eighteen. You were pregnant and Peter didn’t know. You were pregnant and sad about it because you didn’t know where to go from here.

What do you do? Is it time to tell Peter? You cursed at yourself when you thought about leaving him just to spare him the pain and awkwardness of telling you that he wasn’t ready and that he didn’t want a kid. You didn’t realize you had started crying until you started to tune in on the looks people were giving you while you walked home. You probably looked crazy, but that was the least of your worries at the moment. 

You made a plan in your head to try and stray away from Peter. You knew it would be hard considering you live together, but he was gone a lot of nights and you knew it would be easier to leave him if necessary if he’s gotten used to functioning without you in every situation.

You thought you had been discreet about slowly pushing yourself away from him. Days went on where you would still hold conversation with him, but didn’t feel it was necessary to be in the same room with him all the time anymore. You didn’t cuddle close to him when you felt him get into bed, and most of the time he didn’t bother to pull you any closer to him. You were breaking your own heart, but it was for the better.

“Alright, are you going to tell me whats going on with you?” the question threw you off as you set a plate with dinner on it in front of Peter before turning back to leave the room.  

“What?” You knew exactly what he meant. If anything you felt a bit stupid trying to play it off.

“You’ve been distant. Did i do something to upset you? Because i promise i’m sorry for anything that might have. I’ve been wracking my brain but i can’t think of anything,” he frowned, gesturing with his hands indicating that he was lost in the entire situation. 

You dragged your teeth against your lip, the entire conversation making you uncomfortable. You had spent days planning everything out in your head, and you’ve thought about how to answer questions just like these, but right now all you want to yell out is that you were pregnant. You didn’t want to hide it anymore, but your mouth wouldn’t physically move for you to say the words. You knew that settling with a shrug of your shoulders wouldn’t be a good enough answer for him, and by the deep sigh that he let out while dropping his head a little to look down at his feet, you could tell he didn’t like that. As quickly as he did that, he began to stand up and walk towards you. Your heart rate picked up, but was lessened at the feeling of his arms wrapping around you. You habitually laid your head on his shoulder, breathing in his scent and calming your nerves a bit. 

“I have something big to tell you, but i don’t know how you’ll react,” you whispered out. His hands started to slowly rub along your back, and he pulled away a bit to look down at you. His eyes were soft, and his touch was even softer as he moved his hands to each of your arms to hold you steady. 

“You know you can tell me anything,” he mumbled out while trying to keep eye contact with you. The second tears started to well up in your eyes, you were quick to avoid his eyes. You didn’t want to cry. You cursed yourself in your head. You had imagined the day you would announce your pregnancy to him so many times, but in those situations you were older and further in life and it would be a purely ecstatic moment. This was anything but that.

“I’m-” you paused, shaking your head a bit before looking back at him. You could tell he was growing frantic at seeing you stumble over your words by the crease in his forehead. You wanted to comfort him and tell him nothing was wrong, but until you got your words out and let him know, you couldn’t guarantee that nothing was actually wrong.

“I’m pregnant,” you squeaked out. You clamped your eyes shut for a split second before daring to look at his face. His hands tightened on your arms for a second before releasing you all together while he stood taller. His eyes grew wide and his mouth didn’t budge much, not giving you a definite answer on how he might be feeling. His hand moved up to his mouth, pinching his lip before nervously running it through his hair.

“And you’re positive?” he manages to ask. You felt your heart break a little at the question. You knew that you weren’t going to receive an extremely happy reaction, but you could feel both your self doubt and his doubt seeping into your body.

“Yeah, i went to the doctor about a week ago,” you mumbled out. This time you couldn’t stop the few tears that escaped from your eyes, turning your head to look anywhere but him while waiting for him to say something else. 

“hey,” his voice was gentle, but you still couldn’t get yourself to look at him. He could still very easily say anything but what you want to hear. He could be thinking of his escape plan and still sound like the sweetest person to exist.

“I think it’s great, y/n!” he continues. Your eyes grew wide as you finally pried them from the wall and back towards him. A gleaming smile covered his face, his eyes lighting up just as much, “If i know you, i know why you waited to tell me this news, but i can reassure you that i’m so fucking happy.”

This time your tears fell, but a smile began to form on your own face. You felt like an entire persons body weight had been lifted from your body. His hands found your own and pulled you closer to him, placing your arms to wrap around his neck. 

“I know we’re young and have so many things going on, but i can guarantee that we’ll be great parents. I can easily talk to Stark and he’ll be more lenient with me. I know you have college, but you can still do that while pregnant. Things will be fine, y/n. I need you to know that. I need you to know that i’m not going anywhere and that i’m ready to do this with you,” his words sent waves of comfort through your entire body, the stress of holding the secret in began to dissipate and excitement was starting to take over.

“You mean it?” you ask, still in disbelief that the secret was out and how confident and accepting Peter was being towards being told that he’s going to be a dad.

“Of course i mean it,” he chuckles. He leant down a bit to place a kiss on your lips, pulling you in even tighter, “We’re going to be parents, y/n! That’s crazy! But a good kind of crazy! You’re going to be such a good mom, and i’m going to be a dad!” he exclaims. A smile still covered his face and prompted your own to grow even wider. 

“You’re going to be the best dad, Peter. i’m so sorry for doubting everything and hesitating to tell you. I was just scared, this is huge!” 

“This is huge, but we’ll be fine! You have nothing to worry about anymore, i will be here with you for everything, alright? We’ll get through this and by the end of it we’ll have our own child. I love you,” he quips back. You nodded at his words, pulling him in for one last tight hug before separating yourself. 

The secret was out, and your world didn’t implode. You felt guilty over keeping it to yourself for the few weeks that you did, but now you knew things were going to be just fine. You had the love of your life still by your side, and now you could enjoy your pregnancy knowing things would be alright. You felt like you could breathe again, and your mind could finally wander to the exciting things that being pregnant brought like putting together a nursery and shopping for the baby. 

You couldn’t be more grateful that you ended up with someone like Peter. You knew the first day that you met him in freshman year that you two were meant to be, and this experience definitely solidified that belief.

[cmtwimagines]

Hello!

I promise to those of you that are waiting on your requests that i haven’t forgotten about you! I’m still writing, i’ve just been having to share my laptop with my boyfriend who’s now back to college (so online school for hours at a time!) and i’ve been having a bad few weeks mentally so writing wasn’t my top priority! It also doesn’t help that when i write something and put it in my drafts, i can’t open the draft on my phone to work on without it glitching out lol.

Anyways, thank you for being patient! For my newer followers that have followed me after i closed my requests, just keep an eye out and they’ll be open again soon enough! 

[cmtwimagines]

You Deserve Better

SPENCER REID X READER

SUMMARY: Most coping mechanisms weren’t that healthy, you just couldn’t seem to give yours up.

WARNINGS: Self-Harm, Self-Deprecation, Insecurities/Low Self-Esteem

WORD COUNT: 4.4k

REQUESTED PROMPT: Hey. I was wondering if i could request Spencer Reid x Reader where reader struggles with self harm (cutting mostly) and self esteem issues, half convinced he should leave them for someone more mentally stable? - i changed it up a bit so it’s not that he should leave them, but more so go after someone “better”

You groaned at the sound of your phone ringing, pulling you out of your deep sleep and waking you up in your room that was still only lit by moonlight. 

“This is y/n,” you answered your phone without looking at the caller id.

“Good morning, or rather good night, whatever - it’s three am, either will work,” the bright voice of Garcia sounded out over the speaker. You couldn’t help the chuckle that left your mouth.

“Do we have a case?” you ask, getting her back on track.

“Unfortunately so, can you get into the office soon?” she asks.

“Yeah, i’ll be there in twenty minutes or so,” and with that you both said your goodbyes and you were quickly getting out of bed. 

With your first initial stretch you flinched at the pain that spread through your arm. You lightly soothed the ache you felt on your wrist, refusing to pull up your long sleeve and look at the horrible work you did to yourself last night.

You loved your job. You couldn’t imagine yourself doing anything else, but most of the cases were hard on your mental health. It made it all that much harder that while you’re an official part of the team, you still feel less intelligent and needed as everyone else. They never said anything to indicate that you could be better, or that you were even a bad team member to begin with, it just sat badly with you that you didn’t know as much as Spencer did (although, no one does) and that you weren’t able to piece things together quite as quickly as everyone else on the team. You were the youngest one, and also the newest one having joined just under two years ago. You were always learning and picking up skills to better your ideologies and techniques to catching serial killers, but in your head you could do better.

You knew there were better ways to cope with your stress and feelings of incompetence than taking it out on your own skin with a razor, but it’s what you’ve been doing for years and with your job it was the quickest way to feel any type of peace. 

Luckily for you, your job was also one that made you forget your own emotions and issues, at least during the time of working the cases. There wasn’t much time to dwell on your own problems when you were busy trying to find a murderer. At least your job can remind you that there is worse in the world than the hatred you hold for yourself.

In just under thirty minutes you were dressed, packed and walking into the conference room just as J.J. showed up too, the whole team ready to get a move on with the case. You made eye contact with Spencer and he sent you a gentle smile as you took your usual seat in between him and Rossi.

“Alright team, it’s a doozy,” Garcia chirps, filling us in on the details of the case we were about to set out on. After reading through the files and seeing the pictures, it was a quick “wheels up in thirty” from Hotch that lead everyone out of the conference room to do whatever they needed to do or gather before heading off to the jet. 

“So, did you guys plan on matching, or is that just a soulmate thing?” Derek asked as he drank his coffee and walked backwards in front of you and Spencer leaving the conference room at the same time. You looked at Spencer’s outfit seeing his purple attire and couldn’t help the smile from forming on your face seeing you were wearing a long sleeve shirt about the same shade as his.

“Maybe I felt it in my soul that he was going to wear that so I chose my purple shirt,” you quipped, rolling your eyes at Derek as he winked and turned back around to head to his desk and grab his bag. 

“So how was your day off?” Spence began, “Did you do anything fun?”

Your mind flashed back to the last twenty-four hours, thinking about how you spent it. The burning on your arm became more apparent and you could feel your face flush at the secret you were hiding from him. The two of you were closest on the team. It might have helped that he was only a few years older than you, or that you had the same views on everything, or that you were able to understand a lot of what he says or even just his nerdy jokes. You loved being around Spencer, and if you could have it your way you two would be more than just friends. Within the few seconds after his question the air was silent and you felt yourself go through a range of all your emotions. 

“It was fine. I just laid around, read some books, watched some tv. The usual,” you shrugged, removing your eye line from his, feeling as if he was able to see inside your mind and see the true things you actually did. Like standing in front of your mirror pointing out all the flaws on your body, or working out until you felt like you were going to faint, or not so carefully carving lines into your own flesh. You were a mess, and you knew that, but the less the team knows the better. You were terrified you’d be kicked off the team, and not only did that mean losing your dream job, but also losing the chance to be working alongside the only man you’ve ever felt even the tiniest bit of love for. 

“What about you, did you do anything fun?” you asked, not wanting to give him the chance to question you more about yourself. As you both grabbed your bags and all the way to car that was driving you to the jet he told you about the little things he did, and all the things he learned and read up on. One thing was for sure, you never felt any true resentment towards how knowledgable Spencer was. If anything you were just always astounded that someone could retain as much information as he does. You knew Spencer was an impossible standard to hold yourself to considering he was an actual genius, you just wish you had something as astounding as his intelligence that others looked to you for. Instead you were just the young, average agent on the team. 

You made small chat with the others as you boarded the jet, and after Garcia hopped on the cam to tell us a little more information as we bounced ideas off of each other, we were left to be on our own for an hour long flight. You and Spencer always sat with each other, but just a few minutes into our own personal time he got up and went across the jet to sit with J.J. to talk to her about something. As much as you just wanted to look out the window and space out, you couldn’t take your eyes away from their interaction and see how hard he smiles when he’s with her. It was dumb to think anything of it considering she has Will and Henry so you knew their interactions weren’t romantically intwined, but you still couldn’t help from floating over her frame and seeing all that you were not. You weren’t skinny like her. You didn’t have a beautiful face, and beautiful hair to frame it. You were average, and you hated that.

You quickly stood up and made your way into the bathroom, locking the door and pressing your forehead against it with a big sigh. All you wanted at the moment was your razor, but you knew the only one you had was buried deep in your bag that was still out where you were sitting. You felt ashamed with yourself that you even felt it was necessary considering all that you did last night, but you were hurting. Without thinking, you pulled your sleeve up, wincing at both the sight of your wrist and the feeling of your shirt sleeve running along the lines. You scratched a bit, letting out a sigh of relief when you felt and saw some of the scabs come undone, leaving small beads of blood to sit on your skin. You felt satisfied enough to grab a wet paper towel and clean yourself up some before pulling your sleeve back down and leaving the bathroom again. 

When you got back out, Spencer was back in his seat and awaiting your arrival. 

“You feeling okay? You look a little pale,” he acknowledged, tilting his head a bit as he inspected you. You habitually connected your hands behind your back as you nodded, telling him you just feel a little nauseous from having woken up so early and not ingesting anything other than coffee. You sat back down next to him, not hesitating to close your eyes and lean on his shoulder. You didn’t see it, but he couldn’t stop himself from looking down at you and smiling. You had your feet tucked underneath you, and your arms resting on your lap. 

He would’ve usually felt a bit creepy looking at you so closely, but the sight of the tiniest bit of blood seeping through your shirt cause his brows to furrow and his attention to be stuck on it.

“Hey y/n?” he whispers, gently nudging you with his shoulder enough for you to groggily open your eyes back up. You looked up at him, concern written all over his face.

“What’s wrong?” you asked, sitting yourself up fully so you can take in his entire face. He seemed to be battling with himself on what to say, and for a second you held your breath thinking he was going to say something along the lines of professing his feelings for you, but instead he just offered a “never mind” and shook his head before looking back down to the files on his lap. You couldn’t hide the disappointment from you face, so you simply turned your head the other way and settled in for a short nap, this time not wanting to touch him. 

Throughout the rest of the jet ride, and all the way to the police station Spencer couldn’t get his mind off of your shirt sleeve. He didn’t know whether it was his business to even question you about it, so he backed off, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to just forget about it. 

He watched you while you worked. He couldn’t help it. He did it out of both concern and admiration. He considered you two best-friends. You had never judged him or made fun of the little things he knows. Instead you always laughed at his jokes or asked him more about a topic if you didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. You had been there for him both inside of work and outside of work, helping him cope with tougher cases, and also helping him cope with his sick mother. You know just about everything in his life and have never showed an ounce of judgement, so he’s trying to do the same, but it deems harder the more he sees the signs. You’re constantly pulling on your sleeves, as if they’ve somehow rolled up your arms on their own. Sometimes you’ll squeeze anywhere between your wrist and elbow and display a look of relief. If he looked closely enough, he could still see the little droplet of blood that he saw earlier, but he determined that if there was anything wrong going on with you, you’d tell him. Right?

You hadn’t missed how Spencer was watching you more than usual. During cases you’re used to working closely considering you bounce off of each other so well, but he doesn’t usually spend so much time looking at you when you’re not even talking. Your mind goes on overdrive, your insecurities settling in. While in one sense all you want is for him to see you, like really see you in a romantic way, in another all you wanted was for him to never look at you that way because then he’ll see your flaws. He’ll see your disproportionate body or your anything but clear skin. You hated to think he’d see you how you see yourself. So when you caught him looking at you for the millionth time that day, you escaped to the bathroom to look at yourself. Your reflection showed nothing out of the ordinary. Your clothes hid whats underneath relatively well, and your makeup hadn’t grown splotchy or anything. You looked how you usually did when you were in your professional setting, so you really can’t pinpoint what the hell he could be looking or thinking when looking at you, but it sure as hell made you uneasy. 

The rest of the day working on the case felt like it went on forever, and then the second day, but finally on the third day you were able to locate and arrest the unsub, saving yet another person from being killed. You loved that part of your job, and you tried to embrace the days you get to the unsub before they’re able to kill another innocent person. 

You reminisced on the flight home, and felt a feeling of personal victory. Due to rooming with Prentiss, you didn’t have enough privacy to do anything harmful to yourself, but the entire trip was a bit of a success in the sense that you didn’t feel the need to bring your blade out. 

You sat in your usual spot next to Spencer on the flight and spaced out as you looked out the window. Your focus was disturbed at the feeling of his elbow nudging you. 

“Would you want to have a movie night tonight? I think i’m finally down to watch that one cheesy vampire movie that you’re always going on about,” he suggested. Your eyes widened as you let out a small squeal, sending a small but gentle clap to his arm.

“Yes! I’d love that! It’s really bad and cheesy, but i love it and definitely want to experience making fun of it with you,” you laughed, your cheeks burning red. You knew he had an eidetic memory, but the fact that he wants to spend time with you and watch a movie that you’ve only talked about wanting to watch with him over the span of months made you feel a bit warm inside. You both agreed on going to your apartment right after you get your reports turned into Hotch just in time for the jet to land and you all to head back to the office. 

Time flew and before you know it you were back at your apartment, doing a quick clean of the small messes you created before leaving for the case as you waited for Spencer to show up with the Chinese food he said he’d grab on the way over. You went into your closet, opting to change into a pajama shirt and shorts before turning to your mirror and grimacing. You’ve worn pajamas exactly like this in front of Spencer many of times, but tonight just felt different. You looked bigger than usual, and you couldn’t stop yourself from turning to the side. Did you somehow get fatter over just a few days away?

The sound of knock at the door and it opening alerted you that Spencer was here.

“Hello!” he calls out just as you walk out of your bedroom, trying to forget your previous thoughts. 

“Sorry i took so long, i decided to stop at home real quick to put on comfier clothes,” he commented while setting down and spreading out all the food on the coffee table without looking your way. You gnawed on your lip, thinking about how you weren’t hungry anymore but leaving it be and forcing yourself to be in the mood for Chinese for the sake of not wanting to seem rude.

“It’s fine! Thank you again for picking up dinner,” you mumbled out, walking closer to him and taking a seat on the couch. He didn’t hesitate to sit down right next to you and put his arm on the back of the cushion behind you. 

“So, you have the movie ready?” He asks while looking down at you. Your mind was on overdrive at how close he was and how you could smell his cologne coming off of him. You could feel the warmth of his side on your own and in that moment all you wanted to do was cuddle into him, but you doubt he would want that. 

You cleared your throat, declaring that it was ready, and you quickly leaned forward to grab the remote and hit play. The beginning scenes to Twilight began to play, and Spencer leaned forward with you to begin plating his own plate full of chicken, noodles and rice. You watched to see how much he put on his plate, envious that a man his size could eat so much and not gain any weight. You plated your own, only taking a little of each entree he got, not wanting to seem ungrateful. He didn’t seem to notice, and you both poured all your attention into the movie.

He watched you plate as little as you could of each entree, and a frown settled on his face. He wouldn’t say you’re a big eater, but he knows for a fact that you would usually plate more than you had. He ignored it this once, assuming you just weren’t that hungry and it wasn’t his place to comment on what you eat. He was just happy to be as close to you as he was, and embraced the warmth he felt radiating off of you. 

All throughout the movie, his mind kept floating back to him watching you over the last case. You definitely had something bothering you, and he took notice that you wore long sleeved shirts every day even though the case was in Louisiana in the middle of spring, so it was at the very least short sleeve weather. Even now you opted for a long sleeve pajama shirt.

“Hey y/n, can i ask you something?” Spencer spoke up in a quieter scene of the movie. You took your eyes off of the screen and looked towards him, your brow furrowing a bit. He sighed, and leant forward to grab the remote and pause the movie entirely. He lifted one of his legs up on the couch to face you more, leaving you with a slight tint to your cheeks at even more of his body touching yours.

“I don’t want to overstep my boundaries, but i consider you my best friend so at this point i feel like there aren’t many boundaries,” he started to ramble, as you just nod at his words. He paused to look at your face, and in that moment you felt a bit exposed.

“I’ve just noticed some habits of yours that concern me a bit?” he stated, but it sounded more like a question. Your heart rate picked up, and your eyes grew wide. This conversation could go so many ways, and to be honest you didn’t think there was any one way you wanted it to go. He took your silence as a go to continue what he was saying, even though he could tell by your facial expression that you were a bit uncomfortable. He just wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if he didn’t at least question you about it.

“Can i look at your wrists?” he bluntly asks. You’re taken aback, your entire body physically flinching away at that question, and your eyes grow wider than before. You didn’t know what to say, or if you could even say anything that wouldn’t make you seem guiltier than actually showing him your wrists. You kept opening and closing your mouth like a fish stuck on dry land, and you could tell by the look on Spence’s face that he already knew the truth behind the habits he was taking notice of. Your eyes welled up a bit, before simply laying your hands in his lap and looking away from him. He knew what you meant and you shuddered at the feeling of him rolling your sleeves up. 

You were embarrassed. You were ashamed. You were really fucking scared. What if he thinks less of you now? What if he reports you to Hotch? What if he’s disgusted by you and this ruins everything? Your mind was going crazy, and he still hadn’t said anything even though you know he’s had plenty of time to take in the sight of your cut up wrists. 

“Oh y/n,” he sighs, and the sound of his voice gets you to look at him again. He didn’t hold judgement or pity in his features, simply just concern and something else that you couldn’t pinpoint.

“I know it’s a stupid habit and that i shouldn’t do it. But it helps and no one’s found out so far,” you shrug, a few of you tears falling before you grab your wrist out of his grip to wipe them away. You felt more guilt than sadness building up inside of you, along with a large amount of insecurity. 

“Well i just did, so what are we going to do about that?” He asks. you shrug again, looking away from his face and down to your exposed arms, quickly pulling your sleeves back down.

“How about you tell me why you do it? Or things that make you feel like that’s your last resort.”

You look back up to him, so badly wanting to tell him everything that goes through your mind, but if him finding out about your self harm isn't enough to drastically change your friendship, telling him all about your insecurities sure as hell would.

“I don’t know, Spence. I don’t want to put all of this on you and have it ruin our friendship,” you whispered out, using your sleeve to wipe another escaping tear. 

“I’m telling you right now that nothing you say could change the love i have for you, i can promise you that,” his words struck you. You both have said you love each other, it comes with being best-friends and living a dangerous life where you never know where the next moment could bring you, but this confession of love felt different and made your already faster heart beat raise a bit more.

“I...” you pause, not knowing how to form your thoughts into sentences, “I just get frustrated about- i get upset about everything about myself,” you start off. You looked at him semi expecting him to have something to say but instead he just nods, like to indicate for you to keep speaking. You let out an exasperated sigh, almost in disbelief that you were even in this situation and having this conversation.

“I’m not good enough for you,” you spit out, bringing your hand up to cover your mouth as you just stared at him. His brows furrowed and you knew he was thinking deeply about your confession.

“I’m so in love with you, Spence. I love how smart you are and how you can answer any of my questions. I love the tangents you go on, and how you’re still able to be charming and funny. But you’re also crazy attractive and i feel beyond selfish to even think i deserve to be with someone like you. I’m so average. I’m not skinny, i’m not that pretty, i have fucking cuts lining my entire arm. The only good thing i’ve accomplished in life is graduating college and landing a spot in the team, but even then i feel like i don’t deserve my spot when there are so many others who are smarter and quicker to do my job better than me,” you spoke. Your words came out without you making the connection between your brain and mouth, and by the end of it you were embarrassed. You let yourself say too much, and you were worried this would be where Spencer would want to leave.

“I never mean it lightly when i say I love you, you know that right? Both within the team and outside of it, i’ve only said I love you to five or so people, and never have i meant them like i do for you,” he started off, grabbing your hands back from you so you were forced to face him and look him in the eyes, “You’re fucking beautiful, scars and all, i don’t care about them. Well, i do because i hate how they got there and i want to help that stop, but i don’t care that you have them. I don’t look at you and see the imperfections that only you seem to notice. I see my best friend that’s helped me through so much. I see a sweet, intelligent, beautiful person who treats me well and brings me so much comfort. I think you’re a badass agent, and i know the team would agree with me on that, and hopefully i can help you see that, but it’s fine if you don’t see any of this right now because now i get to stay by your side and help expose the truth about you to yourself.” he spoke. you nodded throughout everything he was saying, taking every word in and finding so much comfort in everything.

“okay,” you mumbled out. 

“Okay, you’ll let me?” He questioned, “You’ll let me stay by your side?” 

“Of course, Spence. I love you, and i’m so grateful for you,” at that point you didn’t know what else to say. You were surprised to hear him say so much good about you, but you knew Spencer didn’t lie. He found telling the truth was always the best and easiest option, it was something he took pride in. 

The rest of the night was spent with him actually physically not leaving your side. After a bit more talking, he unpaused the movie and you joked throughout the rest of it with your head leaning on his chest while he combed through your hair with his fingers. You felt the ball of guilt leave your system and instead felt your body flood with relief. He knew your secrets and he was still here. You should’ve never doubted him, and you had wished you confided in him earlier, but now that you have you feel like you have a second chance. It’s been a long time since you’ve had a constant someone in your life, and now having the man that you love know your deepest secrets, things are bound to look up.

[cmtwimagines]

Physical Comfort

EMILY PRENTISS X READER

SUMMARY: Even though your relationship had always been kept on the down low, the current case was too much for the both of you to stay apart from each other afterwards.

WARNINGS: Slight crime scene talk in the beginning, but other than that nothing!

WORD COUNT: 1.7k

PROMPT: could you do one where the BAU team comes from a case that was hard for Emily and she needs to be close to her girlfriend who is also on the team, so she sits on her lap and the team is not used to seeing this soft side of Emily? 

Both you and Emily had grown accustomed to not showing your true affection towards each other while on the job. Everyone knew you were together, but even if they didn’t they wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. Hotch made it known that you two weren’t to display any acts of public display of affection during cases, or even much while in the bullpen just to keep things clean and civilized. You both didn’t have an issue with that, and you understood where Hotch was coming from. It wouldn’t look too professional if two of his top agents were groping each other or kissing while in uniform.

But then came days like today, or more like weeks like this one where you worked all week long trying to save several children that had gone missing, each of their nanny’s missing with them. In the beginning the team didn’t even know where to start, and at that time there was only one missing kid and their nanny. By the third day you realized that the Unsub wasn’t slowing down, and while you hadn’t come across any actual bodies, one kid and their nanny would go missing each day.

It took you guys longer than you’d like to admit to figure out who the Unsub was and what their endgame was, but by time you did two nanny’s had already been found dead, and after finding the rest of them it was made aware that each of the kids were beaten like crazy.

Every time you closed your eyes you could hear the crying from outside the remote cabin you had located to be the unsubs. As you walked through the front door all you saw were children chained up to whatever could keep them in place, and bruises littered their skin. Then came the room where there was a bed for each nanny, and they were chained to the headboards, unable to move or help the children who sat just outside their door, crying out.

You couldn’t imagine how you would feel or react if you were in their situation. You knew everyone in that situation was going to need a large amount of therapy, but you guys were expected to go on like normal like you do after every case.

Children cases did tend to hit the team harder than other ones. With half the team being parents, and the other half just having a large amount of empathy, there was no escaping the sadness that would seep in when seeing children hurt. Walking into a cabin and finding multiple children with dried blood on them and bruises all over was something no one would forget any time soon. 

The drive back to the current towns police station after we caught the unsub and got medics out for all the victims was a quiet one. No one had anything to say that would help the situation that you all just walked into, so staying quiet was the best option. 

You couldn’t help the constant glances you were sending Emily’s way. You knew she was in deep thought by the way she was looking out the window without even blinking. She wasn’t paying attention to the moving scenery around us, she’s simply just staring and only seeing whatever scene is in her head. Hotch was driving, and Spencer was in the passenger seat while you and Emily were in the backseat. You wanted to reach out and grab her hand, at least letting her know you were there for her, as much as you knew she was there for you, but right as you gained the confidence to you made eye contact with Hotch in the rearview mirror and decided against it. While you’re sure that since you’re in the safe space of one of the vehicles with just him and Spencer to witness your gentle touches, you didn’t want to go against rules and potentially make any of your team members uncomfortable. 

Hotch could tell you were struggling with not moving closer to Emily. He tried to send you a gentle look, but he knows he’s bad at getting that across and instead was just able to make eye contact with you before you quickly looked away and out your window. He sighed, almost feeling guilty that you couldn’t find comfort in your own girlfriend because you were in the presence of the team. When he originally came up with the rules for the two of you, he should’ve made it more clear that behind closed doors, you two could act like the couple you were, just not a large amount of PDA.

As you walked into the police station, the chief of police thanked you guys for your work, and the entire team was quick to clean up the conference room you had all been working in before grabbing your own bags and heading off to the airport, ready to get back home. All you could think about was getting into bed and cuddling Emily, knowing you both needed the physical comfort of each other.

“Y/n, Emily, can i speak to you real quick?” Hotch asked out from the back of the plane, away from where the rest of the team was already seated. You looked at each other, both not knowing what he could want but nodded nonetheless and joined him back by the coffeemaker. 

“I’ve noticed that the rules i set might have not been the correct rulings,” he started off, “I know cases like the one we just dealt with are extremely tough, and it’s normal to want the support of loved ones. My initial rules for your relationship were that if you two were to be a couple you shouldn’t outwardly be showing affection while on a case, but i do want to state that when we are in the comfort of a safe space such as the jet or one of our vehicles, it is okay to act how you want to act.”

You were a little thrown off by his words, not expecting him to basically tell us that we could be affectionate towards each other.

“We just don’t want to make the team uncomfortable, sir,” Emily spoke up before you could. You looked at her and she made split eye contact with you for before turning her attention back to him.

“You can’t make us uncomfortable. We all support you, and when there’s cases like this it’s natural to need physical comfort. Whether you want to show in front of the team or not, that’s up to you two. I just wanted to make you aware that i won’t stop appropriate displays of affection while in the presence of just the team, and i guarantee no one else will argue me on that,” with that, he just simply nodded at us and walked back to his seat next to Rossi. The two of you looked at each other before you quickly approached her and threw your arms around her waist, tucking your head into her neck. Being at the back of the plane, and with the other team members either sleeping, reading or simply not paying attention, you knew no one was looking at you, but it still felt weird to be able to hug her so openly.

“This case was very overwhelming, huh?” you quietly asked as she rested her face on the top of your head, squeezing her arms around your shoulders. You could feel her nod before pulling away a bit and looking up at her.

“Let’s sit,” she moved her head indicating to the double seater right next to the two of you. You sat down first, grabbing Emily’s hand to pull her down directly next to you. Now you may be the softie within the entire team, but when Em was in a lethargic mood and around you, she softened up more than the team knew. She never showed much emotion except for the few times someone within the team has gotten hurt, but you could tell that this case was upsetting her.

“You wanna tell me whats going on in your head?” you whispered out, setting your forehead against hers as she leaned even more into you, wrapping her arm around your own. She was naturally clingy with you, and unknowingly to you, J.J, Spencer and Derek had all taken notice to your guys’ closeness. 

“I just...” she paused, clearly at a loss for words. You looked at her, your heart aching a bit for the sadness that was so evident on her face. You nodded, leaning up to give her a kiss on the forehead before she moved even closer to you which seemed impossible, but there she was practically sitting on you lap. You wrapped your arms around her, closing your eyes as you leaned back in your seat and let her rest her head in your neck this time. You knew with time she’d find the words to describe to you how she was feeling, but right now on your few hour long flight home, you were both just needing some physical comfort. 

Derek couldn’t hide the small smile at the sight of the two of you, gaining both Rossi and Hotch’s attention as they turned around to see what he was looking at. 

“I’d never thought i’d see the day where Emily looks even softer than y/n does,” Rossi quietly joked as both him and Hotch turned back around in their seats. Everyone shared a small smile, looking at the two of you one more time before going back to what they were doing. 

From then on, your small touches and gentle words to each other grew on the team, and they were no longer surprised at how soft they found Emily to be. If anything they were impressed that she was so good at being a leader but at the end of the day it was like she was a sloth, just needing to hang on you and gain comfort from your touch. You both were good at hiding your relationship from the general public for the sake of being professional, but you were thankful you had the team you did who supported you two for all that you were.

[cmtwimagines]

Early Mornings

AARON HOTCHNER X READER

SUMMARY : The very rare mornings where you wake up and your boyfriend was still home and in bed were definitely cherished by you.

WARNINGS : NSFW (smut! and my first one at that so please be nice lol)

WORD COUNT : 2.3k

REQUESTED PROMPT: “quit stealing all the pillows” - “you're so beautiful”  - “let me give you a reason to stay in bed” - “I've never wanted anyone this badly before” - “tell me again”

It was rare for both you and Aaron to have the same days off of work, especially considering he doesn't have a set schedule. Even just waking up in the morning with him still by your side was a rare occurrence, so when it did happen you really took advantage of it. 

Waking up you were met with a room still filled with darkness, and looking to the alarm clock next to the bed you saw it was still only five in the morning. You and Aaron had gone to bed relatively early, embracing the fact that you were both home and missing each other's embrace. You scooted your body over, plopping your head onto Aaron's pillow alongside him, your face being only a few inches from his has you watched his even breathing.

“You've got to quit stealing all the pillows, y/n. I only ask for this one, and somehow you end up on it, too,” his raspy morning voice threw you off for a second, unaware that he was even awake in the slightest. You leaned back a bit as he peaked one of his eyes open, a small smile gracing his face at the sight of you.

“You're so beautiful, you know that? Waking up to you is definitely a blessing,” he chuckled, closing his eyes again as he pulled you closer into his chest. You felt your body grow hot at the early morning confessions, feeling so much truth behind them considering his mind and body still weren't even adjusted to being awake. You gently rested your head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat and feeling his gradual breaths. 

“Good morning to you too,” you whispered out, not wanting to break the peaceful silence just yet. You knew by how both of you functioned that there was no going back to sleep. The second each of your eyes opened, you had the tendency to never be able to fall asleep again. It was definitely a curse, but at this moment you were glad. You didn't get to experience early, undisturbed mornings like this with him often. Jack was at his aunt's house for the weekend, leaving nothing for the two of you to worry about until Aaron gets the inevitable call that there's another case.

A deep sigh escaped Aarons' nose as he pulled you closer, basically pulling you on top of him. You pushed yourself a little further, leaving you straddling his lower stomach, and you sat up fully so you were looking down on him.

“What should we do this morning?” you asked, thinking of all the possible things you guys could do. You could go out to breakfast and take a walk around the shops surrounding the café that you always go to, or you could make breakfast and catch up on your guys' favorite show on the couch, or you could just skip it all and spend the entire morning in bed. You didn't care, as long as you got to spend some time with him.

“I don't feel like getting out of bed at all today, unless I have to,” he chuckled, moving his hands up to rest on the sides of your thighs, lightly trailing his hands up and down. You could feel the goosebumps rise on your skin at the simple feeling of him touching you, but it happened every time. You moved your hands to rest on his chest, leaning down to give him a kiss, allowing him to pull you in deeper. 

“Mmm, I love you, you know that?” you whispered out, hovering over his face as his tired eyes made contact with yours.

“Tell me again,” he rasped out, sending a jolt directly to your core. 

“I…” you gently kissed his left cheek, “love…” kiss to his right cheek, “you…” you finished with a final kiss directly on his lips, and a small sound of satisfaction left the back of his throat while he brought one of his hands to tangle in your hair while the other one gently landed to cradle your face. You've always loved his hands and how he could essentially cover your entire face with the size of them. Something about them always left you feeling turned on and a sense of comfort in a weird way.

Your hips moved unintentionally, making contact with the bulge that was beginning to grow in the briefs Aaron was wearing, and no matter how many times the two of you have had sex, you will never get over the feeling of satisfaction that you're able to arouse him, even just by kissing.

“You are one of a kind, I hope you know that,” he whispered out, his hands still surrounding your face as he pulled away the slightest bit so he could make eye contact with you again, “I've never wanted or craved someone's touch as much as I do yours. Every second I get with you, I feel the need to always be touching you. Whether that means holding your hand or being buried inside of you, I couldn't care less,” he chuckled. If your cheeks weren't at least a little pink before, they were beet red now. Since the beginning, Aaron's always been very vocal about what he likes and wants, but even being a few years into the relationship, you're still not used to such words coming out of his mouth. A breathy laugh escaped your own mouth as you connected your mouths again, embracing your guys' closeness and feeling as if you were melding into one. Your tongues glided against each other's, and he licked your bottom lip before lightly pulling it between his teeth. You couldn't help the involuntary moan that left your lips, and by the look on his face you knew he was proud of himself.

You figured two could play that game, and quickly repositioned yourself so you were fully settled on his covered erection. His eyes closed for a second, and his hands returned to gripping your thighs.

“Maybe I should get out of bed and make us some breakfast,” you teased and started to get off of his lap. You knew he would not settle for that, and like you thought he would, he quickly pulled you back down so you were pressed up against each other before he flipped you over so you were stuck between him and the bed. You weren't complaining, though. 

“Stay here, and I promise I will give you a really good reason to stay in bed with me,” he sputtered out as he settled himself perfectly in between your thighs so he could rub against you. The breath was stolen out of your throat for a second before it returned with a quiet high pitched moan at the feeling of him through just the thin fabric of each of your underwear. 

After that, you were all game. Your hand snuck down his chest, pulling at the hem of his shirt indicating that you wanted it off. He sat up and rested on his knees while slipping the shirt over his head before he just sat for a second and took in the sight of you. You grew impatient, slipping your own big t-shirt off, and laying back down in front of him. 

His eyes drifted down your body, taking in your form as a small groan escaped his mouth. His hands found the side of your waist before soothingly moving around your skin and eventually finding his fingers gently running over your nipples. A moan sounded from you, and he swears if he were to hear an angel, it would be that exact sound.

“God, i can’t get enough of you,” he mumbled before laying over you again, planting kisses all down you neck and towards your breasts. Your hands instinctually went straight for his hair, lightly running your hands over his scalp, tightening around his hair a bit when he sucks one of your nipples into his mouth. 

Things moved slow from there on. Aaron took his time cherishing your body, planting kisses everywhere and anywhere. He slipped your panties off as he lowered his kisses down to your center. In the past, you always hated how loud you could be, but it was established in the beginning of this relationship that Aaron thrived when he heard you. He loved watching you fall apart under him, and that included hearing you unable to stop your moans, so when his lips finally began to suckle on your clit, you were long gone. The sounds you made came out unwillingly, while your hands wrapped around his head not able to decide whether you wanted to push him to go further or pull him to give you a break from all the feelings, but his hands quickly moved to wrap around your wrists and hold them to your sides. You could feel him chuckle a bit, he knew what he was doing to you.

“Please, baby, i want you, it’s been too long,” you whined out. You weren’t lying; it has been approximately two weeks since the two of you have had sex. Not because you didn’t want to, but just because anytime you seem to have the time, he always gets called into work, or anytime you’re in the mood he’s already at work.

“Alright, alright,” he whispers out, giving your clit one last kiss before he sits back up and takes his briefs off. If you knew that his work wasn’t going to call him at any second, you would’ve been quick to get on your knees for him, but you didn’t want to take the chance today. 

“I want to be on top,” you announced. He raised an eyebrow at you, but nonetheless agreed. You knew he was a sucker for watching you, and you being on top was the best view point. As quickly as he had flipped you onto the bed, he had you both flipped over so you were straddling his waist again. You moaned as you slid against him, getting the both of you ready for what was about to happen. His hands found themselves all over you, not knowing whether to grab your hips or waist or breasts, so he figured why not take some time a grab them all.

You lifted up enough to grab his length, before slowly dropping down onto it. With the time that it has been, it’s like you’ve forgotten just how big he is, but the feeling of you stretching out around him was an otherworldly experience. Your hands dropped to his chest as you finally sat flush on him, short breaths escaping your mouth while his head tipped back and his hands stilled at holding your waist in place.

“God damnit, baby,” he moaned, tilting his head back down to look at you, “Forgot how tight you were,” and that was enough for you to habitually start to move your hips, your sensitive clit running against his pubic hair every time. You were flushed, your hair was falling out of your ponytail and tumbling down your shoulders, and you could feel your legs beginning to tremble from the ecstasy you were experiencing.

“I missed you,” you mumbled out, laying your body on his so you could be face to face, “i missed you,” you managed to add as he positioned his feet on the bed to work up into you. You both moaned before you took action and placed your mouth on his. You felt like you could kiss him forever, enveloping all of his moans, and hearing every little thing he has to say to you when he’s in his own world of satisfaction.

It didn’t take long for the both of you to come, in fact you were surprised it lasted as long as it did considering how long it’s been since you’ve had sex, but nonetheless you cherished the feeling and sight of him coming undone underneath you as you recovered from your own orgasm, really admiring the man underneath you.

You sat up a bit, letting him slowly slip out of you, before you settled back down to sit on his lower stomach again. His hands found themselves running circles on your thighs while he attempted to catch his breath.

“I don’t think i will ever get sick of that,” he started out, a small smile on his face as he finally made eye contact with you, “I don’t think i will ever get used to how beautiful you are and how lucky i am to have you.”

Your smile grew at his words, your heart beating a bit faster knowing your entire being was filled with love for him.

“Well good, because i feel the same exact way,” you retorted, laying your body on his again so your head was on his chest.

Although you were both a bit sweaty, and your hearts were still beating fast, you stayed like that until all was calm again, and even after that you didn’t dare move. His phone hasn’t rung once, and you were grateful for that. You looked over to the clock to see that it was just past six am now, and let out of sigh.

“Come on, lets go make some coffee and breakfast and cuddle up on the couch,” you demanded, patting his chest as you sat back up and got off of him. He grumbled a bit, but followed you into putting his clothes back on and going into the other room to help you put things together. 

You loved this man with all your heart, and you loved that he dedicated his life to saving others, but the rare mornings like today where you actually get to be together and spend time with each other uninterrupted will always be the mornings you cherish most. 

[cmtwimagines]

Hidden Love

EMILY PRENTISS X READER

SUMMARY: You were relatively good at hiding your feelings, until the one you were hiding your feelings from gets in a sticky situation.

WARNINGS: Season 3, Episode 2 spoilers, but nothing triggering!

WORD COUNT: 3.4k

PROMPT: Can I get a Prentiss x reader where Prentiss is in danger and reader like pushes her out of the way or something without thinking and gets hurt and then angst ensues ending with a feelings reveal and fluff I guess?

The team was growing desperate during this case. The unsub had managed to already kill four women, and we knew as much that he already had a new victim. Your brains wracked trying to figure out the connection between the victims, seeing if you could figure out where he’s grabbing them from. A policeman walked into the room we were in, letting us know that another lady had been taken.

“What do we know?” Derek asks him.

“Her name was Claire Thompson. Her husband tried to reach her on the cell phone, and when she didn’t pick up, he drove to the department store. Her car’s in the parking lot, but she’s not inside,” The policeman filled you all in, letting us know that the husband was in the other room. Spencer grabbed J.J. and the two of them left the room, going to talk with the husband to see if they can figure anything out with what he knows.

“I had the department store uplink the security footage to you analyst in Quantico,” He finished. Hotch nodded at him, dismissing him before we all turned to each other, knowing we’re one step closer to figuring things out. Derek quickly called up Garcia, hoping she had found something on the tape that would be useful.

“Hey baby girl, tell me something I want to hear,” he speaks, getting a small chuckle out of me and a weird look from the chief of police we were working with. She clearly said something flirty back by Derek’s reaction, before he got a bit more serious.

“Did you locate the missing girl on the security footage?” he asks. Within seconds, footage was pulled up on the computer in front of us. We all studied what was going on within it, looking for any minor things that would help us get closer to finding the unsub.

“She doesn’t seem to be on anyone’s radar,” Spencer inputs.

“Look,” Derek speaks up, “Who’s the kid?” We watch as a kid approaches her, concluding that the lady only has a two-year-old daughter and not what looks to be a ten-year-old boy. The boy looked to be lost and asking her for help.

“Garcia, this all you got?” Derek asks into the speaker phone.

“That’s it, and then they turned down a hallway without any security cameras and we lose them.”

While the chief of police thought maybe the kid was genuinely a missing kid, Hotch was quick to jump in saying he believed that the kid was not a missing child, and instead a kid that’s doing whatever necessary to please his father.

“All the abductions and disposals have been timed around school. I thought the unsub might work in the system, but what if this guy is actually using his own son to lure his victims?” he questioned. We were all silent after that, letting the information sit in. It would make sense and with the physical footage of it happening, it sort of put the pieces together. 

After figuring out the abduction and dumping grounds, on top of what kind of vehicle the unsub might be driving, the team set out different ways to try and catch this guy. You’d noticed Emily hadn’t been too vocal throughout any of this, and all you wanted to do was ask if she was alright but you knew now wasn’t the time. 

“Alright, tell me if I’m in the wrong here, but we’re not getting anywhere focusing on the unsub, maybe we should try focusing on the son?” J.J. inputted, “If he really is using his son, wouldn’t the trauma manifest more clearly on the boy?” 

You were quick to call up Garcia after bringing up to the team that you may need a list of all the children in area that we’re targeting.

“Talk dirty to me,” she answers, and for some reason you couldn’t help the flush that ran through your face. Emily smirked at your red exterior, everyone else finding it just as funny.

“Garcia, I need a list of every grade school in the third ward and Wauwatosa,” you requested. You could hear her typing in the background while telling you all that the third ward has one public grade school, but four private schools that draw from that area. In Wauwatosa, there were nine public schools and 3,200 students.

“Can you also get me a list of every guidance counselor that deals directly with the student body in that area?” She agreed, saying she would send it over as soon as possible, both of you hanging up your phones, “We need to present these counselors with the profile of the troubled kid,” you determined. You all split up after that. Hotch and Derek went with each other, J.J and Spencer went with each other, leaving you and Emily to be partners in literal crime.

“You know you’re really cute when you blush,” she compliments you out of nowhere as you walked from your car to the current elementary school that you were at. You couldn’t help but blush again at the compliment, making her laugh a bit as she held the door open for you to walk in. You thanked her, not knowing whether you were thanking her for the compliment or for holding the door open.

You both quickly made your way to the guidance counselors office, flashing your badges at her and quickly beginning the question process.

As soon as you got back to the police station, it was made aware to everyone that there was a lot more work to do, considering the amount of kids that fit our profile. As much as your mind wanted to be fully on the case, it was also running wild at how closely you and Emily were sitting to each other. You’ve been trying to harbor a crush for her that formed just a few months into beginning to work with the BAU which was just over a year ago. You’d done well, not making any noticeable efforts or moves that would throw suspicion to anyone on the team that you were growing more and more in love with her. It was hard, to say the least. Every time she got hurt or would need to miss a case due to her own issues, you wanted to bail and only focus on her, but you couldn’t. Relationships were deeply frowned upon between coworkers, for obvious reasons. Almost like she could feel your constant gaze flashing between her and the case files in front of you, she turned her head and looked you in the eyes, sending you a questioning gaze.

“Are you alright?” she whispered out, leaning even closer to you to try and keep your conversation private. You nodded quickly, your cheeks burning at have been caught, insisting that you were just thinking.

“Claire Thompson has been found dead,” a policeman announced while peaking his head into the conference room we were in. All of your shoulders fell, feeling a bit defeated that you hadn’t figured the unsub out before he was able to kill her. He dumped her in an abandoned alley surrounded by trash and overgrown weeds, her heart carved out like the rest of the victims.

“This is a different area than the dumpsites of the other victims, isn’t it?” Emily questioned.

“He’s getting smart. He knows where all our manpower will be so he’s changing locations.” Spencer offers up.

“Well how long before he changes when and where he abducts them?” Morgan comments, obviously asking a rhetorical question that none of you would be able to answer.

You all quickly made your way back to the station as Spencer began to map out all the abductions and dumpsites. It was determined that where the bodies had ended up, the unsub needed to know the area pretty well, because they sure as hell didn’t end up where they did by accident.

“So we go back to the schools, we eliminate the third ward, and we target problem kids whose fathers have held blue-collar jobs over the last ten years,” Hotch spoke up. Spencer was quick to cut in, letting you know what he was thinking.

“What if it’s not a problem child? Sometimes when a parent is unstable, especially if the other ones out of the picture, you’ll do anything to be the perfect child.”

“Like help your father abduct women?” Emily asked with a frown on her face.

“They’re never late for school. Even with the abductions, the disposals of the bodies, it’s always timed perfectly so the kid will be on time to school. I don’t think the killer would care, I think the kid would.” You thought about what he was saying. It was true that someone as out of control as our unsub was, he wouldn’t care about schedules, but if the kid was trying to please his parent in any way, he sure as hell would care. You instinctually looked at Emily to see what she was thinking, just to find her already looking your way. You nodded at each other, understanding that you were thinking the same thing.

Before you knew it, you and Emily were at one of the Elementary schools that the unsubs child could be attending, and you were back sitting in the counselor’s office.

“He’s a kid that’s a model student,” You start off the profile to the lady.

“Not just straight A’s, though. It’s someone who tries to please in a way that teachers have probably talked about.” Emily offered up.

After a bit more profile description you were given one name, David Smith. A kid with just his dad in the picture due to his mom leaving after the dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness. It explained the anger the father might hold, and the need for David to feel he needs to prove himself to please his dad. You both quickly thanked her, calling the team and filling them in before calling Garcia and asking for an address. You were close to their house already, and didn’t hesitate to make your way over there. The team were, if anything, only ten to fifteen minutes away from you so back up was on its way.

“We need to go in right away. You stay back and I’ll go in, okay?” Emily ordered off. You stumbled on your words, hating her plan. She was willingly going to go in the house by herself when you both know just how angry and temperamental the dad is?

“Are you crazy, Em? I’m not letting you go in there by yourself.” You bark back. You couldn’t help but hold your breath at the feeling of one of her hands caressing your face, thrown off a bit at the feeling of her skin on yours.

“I’ll be fine, I have a plan, and we know he already has a victim so he’ll be distracted. Please trust me on this.” You nodded, not even thinking about what you just agreed to, only being able to focus on the feeling of her hand on your face and the coldness that swept over your cheek once it was gone. 

“I’ll give you a signal the second I have probable cause for you and the rest of the team to enter the house, but until then I need you to just keep the perimeter secured,” she ordered. The feeling in your gut made a wave of nausea float throughout your body, but you hid it and simply nodded, “I’ll be fine, y/n.”

Before you knew it, Emily was knocking on the unsubs front door and you saw the boy in the security footage answer it. You both knew that the father and his current victim were most likely in a secluded room where none of the neighbors would be able to hear any screaming or calls out. Your heart rate sped up as the door closed behind Emily, and you couldn’t help yourself from getting closer to the house to look through the windows, keeping an eye on her no matter what. 

The team still wasn’t here and your nerves were going crazy. The second you lost sight of her as she walked down a different hallway, you couldn’t stand it anymore. You quietly made it to the front door, opening it and closing it behind you. You saw the boy sitting in one of the living room chairs, watching tv. You snuck behind him and followed the hallway that you last saw Emily walking down. There was only one door slightly open, and peeking through you could see her sneaking down the staircase. You could also see the wide eyes of the victim as she shook her head no at Emily, like she knew something neither of you did. You quickly stormed in behind her, just in time to see the unsub leap at her. Without thinking, you threw yourself on him, both of you toppling onto the concrete. The feeling knocked the wind out of you, and he gained control, able to land a hard hit to your face. Emily quickly got control of the situation before anything more could happen, and your unsub was in handcuffs with a shot to the foot quicker than you had time to fully gain your breath back. With Emily’s focus being on the unsub, you finally gained the strength to stand up and begin to untie the victim. You still felt a bit dizzy, but knowing you had saved Emily from a harsh attack made you feel better.

The rest of the team barged through the door just then, relieved to see both you and Emily were fine, grabbing the unsub and pulling him outside. You let yourself fully grasp the situation that just happened as Spencer consoled the victim and lead her outside too.

“y/n, what the fuck was that?” Emily asked, clearly distraught, “You were supposed to stay outside and wait for backup!” 

“Em, he was about to attack you!” you exclaimed, upset that she was mad at you, “what would have happened then if I hadn’t have come inside? You would’ve been on your own and hurt with a distraught murderer!” just the thought made you wince. Things could’ve turned out way worse than they did. Instead of Emily being harshly attacked, you were just left with a bruise on your cheek and a small backache.

“I hate that you did that. I hate that you didn’t follow my instructions,” she expressed, coming up to you and gently tracing the redness on your cheek from the punch.

“I couldn’t stand the thought of you getting hurt, Em,” you whispered out, “I’ve already had to watch for close to a year, a fair share of times where you’ve gotten hurt and every single time it’s like a chunk of my soul chips away. I hate seeing you hurt, especially if there’s something I could’ve done to prevent it,” you admitted. By the look on her face, you could tell she was still upset, but taking your words to heart. Before you knew what you were doing, you leaned forward a bit, kissing her quickly before backing away and instantly regretting your actions. She was surprised to say the least, but your heart was beating out of your chest. Why did you do that? It was almost like your body fully acted out without consoling your mind. It was truly a heart over mind situation.

“Fuck, I’m sorry Em,” you whispered, quickly backing away and heading back out to the SUV you both came in. The team had tried to ask you questions, but you couldn’t fathom talking to anyone at the moment. By the look on your face and your ability to walk past them without acknowledging your questions, they could obviously tell something was wrong. You looked back towards the front door of the house just in time from Emily to walk out, her face staying neutral as she answered all the questions that you were probably asked to begin with. 

Your heart ached thinking about how she looked after you kissed her. She didn’t necessarily look upset, but more surprised and distraught. Have you ruined everything now? Is she mad at you? Is this going to make things awkward now? It was ten minutes later when the drivers’ door opened, and you fully expected it to be one of the other team members, but sucked in a breath at the sight of her settling into the seat and closing the door. 

“Are we going to talk about what happened?” she asked, not even a tremor in her voice.

“I’m sorry, Em. My emotions just got ahold of me and I acted without thinking,” you admitted, your eyes filling up with tears as you thought of the repercussions you could face. You jumped a bit at the feeling of her hand on your thigh, getting your attention to turn back to her as she looked at you with soft eyes.

“I like you, y/n. Believe me when I say that. I have liked you for months now, and I’m nowhere near upset that you kissed me, I was just surprised,” she said. Your eyes grew wide at the confession, your heart doing a happy skip as you took in her words.

“Really?” you asked, still unable to believe that any of this was actually happening. A small smile crossed her face as she took the lead this time, leaning in and kissing you, but with more intention this time. You separated and could feel the blood rush to your face for the thousandth time today, a small smile gracing both of your faces. 

“So what does this mean?” you asked, the worry growing a bit when you thought of the grand plan of how your relationship would work.

“I may have had to tell the team what happened due to them seeing you as distraught as you were,” she whispered, still gently holding your face in place so you wouldn’t look away. You scrunched your face up at the sound of that, “Hotch said it took us long enough to realize we both liked each other.”

Your eyes grew wide as a laugh escaped her mouth. They had known? You thought you did such a good job at hiding your feelings!

“I say we can talk about details later, maybe over dinner?” she asks. This time you couldn’t hold the large smile from forming on your face as you frantically nodded your head.

“I’d love that,” you whispered out. You regretted wasting all the months not telling her how you felt, but now that you know it’s mutual and there’s a large potential of being in the relationship that you’ve wanted so badly, you’re thankful that you hadn’t listened to Emily’s orders earlier or you wouldn’t have all of this. You were finally able to express your feelings and having her express hers back was a surreal thing. Your mind settled, along with your body as you both buckled up and she began to drive back to the station so you could grab your things and head back to the jet to get home. You smiled the whole way, excited for what was about to happen. You were finally going on a long-awaited date with the woman you loved, and you couldn’t be any happier.

[cmtwimagines]

I Miss Your Smile

SAM WINCHESTER X READER

SUMMARY: You’ve been hiding your anxiety and stress from your boyfriend, but you’re not as good at pretending as you think you are.

WARNINGS: Mentions of Anxiety/Stress

WORD COUNT: 1.3k

PROMPT: Could you do a supernatural Sam x reader. Where he really loves her smile, but he notices when the reader is stressed they have to fake them😔 so he tries to cheer her up. 

You were the cheerful one out of the group. Even when you would go on hunts with Sam and Dean, you always managed to find the good in all of the bad and cheer them up, but sometimes it gets tough when you do all of that while actively ignoring the nagging feeling that’s been settling in the back of your mind.

Sam loved your smile more than anything. He loved seeing you smile, and he loved the overall feeling he experienced when you were happy and giggly and smiling up a storm. Sam could also tell the instant your smiles began to grow fake. He could tell in your body language that you were growing exhausted and that you’d kill to be in bed sulking, but you always insisted you were fine. No matter how you were feeling, you thrived off of bringing joy to everyone. It was almost like the only way you knew how to cope was making others happy while you actively ignored how bad you were truly feeling.

Now that you and Sam were a year into your relationship, it was growing harder to hide the bad days. You took notice of how much he inspected your face after you offered up a seemingly fake smile. He could tell you were putting on a brave face because you didn’t want to burden anyone, and that’s what really got him. He hated that you felt the need to hide how you were feeling when both him and Dean were so open about things. To be as strong of a team as they were, everything needed to be out in the open.

One morning you woke up with a tight chest. Tight enough for you to feel light headed when you stood up, but the second Sam started to wake up and roll over at the feeling of you getting out of bed, you sucked it up and acted like nothing was wrong. You don’t know what was wrong with you, at the moment you had nothing to be anxious about, but you figure having a full blown mental illness isn’t going to only act up when you’re in stressful situations.

“Are you okay?” he asks once he takes in the grimace on your face. You nod, putting on the best smile that you can while lowering your hand from your chest.

“Yes, of course. I’m just going to hop in the shower real quick,” you waved him off. You hated not having the willpower to let Sam in on what you were feeling, but he’s already been through enough for multiple lifetimes. Compared to what he’s been through, you almost felt stupid for feeling a bit of anxiety and losing all sense of being during it. You knew he knew something was wrong every time you acted up like this, but he never asked the right questions so who were you to just bring it up and put everything on him.

“Hey, come back here and tell me what’s wrong,” he called out right before you had the chance to leave the room. You paused with the hand on the doorknob, collecting yourself a bit and forming the best small smile you could when turning around to face him.

“Sam, i promise, i’m fine!” 

“No you’re not, y/n. Do you think after this long that i can’t tell the difference between your real and fake smile? What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” you stood in place as he began to uncover himself and scooch to the end of the bed, waving his hands insinuating for you to move closer to him. Your eyes began to well up with tears and you bit your bottom lip to will yourself to not cry.

“Just a bit stressed is all, nothing to worry about though,” you whispered out, standing in between his legs. His hands gently moved up your arms and one moved up to caress your face, forcing you to look at him directly.

“Do you know what about? It is something to worry about when i know you feel like this quite a bit and hide it from me.” you shrug your shoulders, still not fully committed to letting him in on your thoughts even though he’s brought it to your attention that he notices when you’re in a funk.

“It’s just general anxiety. I don’t know what it’s about, it just hits me.” he nodded at your answer. You sighed a bit knowing you had finally told him a small portion of what you were feeling. He didn’t seem to take it on like you were a burden, which eased your mind even more.

“Why don’t you go take that shower and we’ll talk more afterwards, okay?” this time it was your turn to nod. you gave him a swift kiss on the forehead before turning back around and making your way to the bathroom like you had originally planned. This time you felt better though. You had finally let Sam in to your mind a little bit, and nothing bad came out of it. You felt relieved. 

Throughout the day after that you could feel Sam trying his hardest to help you out. After you got out of the shower, he already had breakfast made and ready to eat at the kitchen table. You sent a small forced smile towards Dean, still feeling as if being tucked into bed in a dark room would suit your mood a little better, but you still sat down and indulged the brothers in conversations while eating the full blown breakfast the Sam had spent so much time making for you.

Just when you were done and ready to head back to the bedroom, Sam called out for you, telling you to meet him in the library. You sighed, but gave him a small smile nonetheless. He could tell it didn’t meet your eyes, but it still had more warmth than your smiles have had in quite a few days. He quickly finished up the dishes and found you settled on one of the couches in the library, a book already settled in your lap as you tried to pass the time without getting stuck in your own head. 

“Alright, so i got something for you that i was going to save for your birthday, but i can always get you another birthday present and i really want to give it to you right now,” he spoke as he grabbed a box hidden behind a big pile of books that had collected in one of the corners. This time a blush covered your face. Even after all the time you two had been together, you still feel butterflies swoon in your stomach when he thinks about you enough to surprise you with things. You sent him a genuine smile, thanking him as he handed you the box, even though you didn’t know what was inside of it. You carefully opened it and released a small gasp while laying your eyes upon a projector. You’d wanted one for so long, the walls in the bunker being the perfect surfaces to be projecting movies or even just shows off of netflix on.

“You didn’t!” you exclaimed, “Sam, thank you!”

“Anything for you, y/n. What do you say we set it up, make a fort and have a movie day?” 

The rest of the day went on like that. While you usually would’ve felt guilty that Sam was putting so much effort into improving your mood, it felt nice to know that he loved you so much that he was willing to do so much to make you happy. By the next morning, the ball of anxiety had dissipated from your chest, and you were left being able to take a deep breath in. Sam laid next to you, already awake and reading a book, but he immediately put it down at the feeling of you waking up. His own breath stopped short at the sleepy smile that adorned your face, feeling his love for you wanting to just burst out of his chest because of how strongly he felt it. Your smile was back, and boy did he miss it.

[cmtwimagines]

The Article

SAM WINCHESTER X READER

SUMMARY: Your past may be in the past, but Sam still wants to know everything about you.

WARNINGS: Parental Abuse, Mention of Knives + Cutting

WORD COUNT: 2.2k

PROMPT: Could you write a Sam Winchester x reader to the prompt "oh god....what did they do to you?" 

You stared at yourself in the mirror. The bruises and cuts that used to be all over your body were merely just scars now, but you still felt the pain in them. You could still feel every slice of his knife. Against your stomach, your arms, your chest and legs. You could still feel the slaps she landed on your face, and the punches and kicks she planted everywhere else that was within reach.

You’d been a hunter with Sam and Dean for awhile now, the bunker being the home that the three of you shared happily. You met them only a few years into becoming a hunter, so compared to them you were a baby, even if you were only a few years younger than Sam. They’ve taught you so much. They’ve helped you gain confidence in your work, and confidence in yourself, but then came days like today where you wake up in a cold sweat and the memories rushing back to you like they had just happened.

You couldn’t take your eyes off of the full body mirror as you stood in front of it in only your underwear. Neither of the brothers have seen your scars, you’ve made sure of it. They didn’t know what your parents did to you before you were even fully understand the extent of how bad the things they did to you were. Hell, for all the brothers knew, your parents were dead. At least that’s what you told them to avoid the inevitable questions asking why you don’t see or speak to them. You glared at yourself, finally gaining the energy to turn away and slip your shirt and pants on, getting ready for the day.

Today was going to be tough. While you were thankful that the world isn’t too crazy at the moment, you wished Sam and Dean weren’t on a hunt, and that you and Sam could cuddle up on the couch to watch a movie and distract your mind. You loved both of the brothers more than you’ve ever loved anyone, but there’s always been something more between you and Sam. You both never talked about it, but simply enjoyed the time you got to spend with each other knowing that there was nobody in either one of your lives that you cared for more.

Walking out of your room and towards the kitchen, you were startled to hear the clanking of pots filling the empty space. Did they come home early? Was there somehow an intruder? Without thinking much of it, you simply just walked into the kitchen and found Castiel filling a kettle with water before turning around towards you and setting it on one of the stove burners.

“Good morning, y/n - sorry if I woke you!” He exclaimed, not even a bit jumpy at you showing up out of nowhere while he was so clearly distracted.

“Morning Cas, don’t worry about it, I was already awake,” you retorted, grabbing the laptop off of the counter and settling yourself into one of the chairs around the table.

“Are you feeling alright? It’s only 8am and you usually sleep in until at least noon. Are you sick?” He asks. By the look on his face you could tell he was genuinely curious and concerned, no hint of mocking in his tone. It is true that you usually sleep in quite late, your nightmares just weren’t up for that today.

“M’fine, just couldn’t sleep well so I figured I might as well get up,” you sighed, shrugging your shoulders and opening the laptop. You froze once your eyes zoned in on the picture in front of you. There you were, a mere fifteen year old squished in-between your parents, all three of you showing your very realistic fake smiles. You could remember this day like it was yesterday; your mom always insisted on taking holiday photos to send out to the family around Christmas time. She loved acting like she was a perfect mother, but you just remember being slapped around after she got her picture because she thought you had too much attitude.

“Y/n? Did you just hear anything I said?” Cas spoke up, interrupting your thoughts and pulling your attention away from the computer.

“No, yeah, sorry cas, what were you saying?”

“I was saying that I think Sam and Dean will be home today. Apparently Garth and a new guy made it to the scene before them, so they let them handle the case.”

You nodded letting him know you heard him, but your mind was going crazy and your eyesight instantly went back to the article in front of you.

“Parents of fifteen year old girl sentenced to 25 years in prison” and the article went on to list everything you testified against them for. You were humiliated that one of the boys were reading this, or even just the fact that they now knew this happened to you. You didn’t know what to do or how to react, so you simply closed the computer and made your way back to your room, not even thinking to say anything to Cas. The second your door closed, the second your pacing began. Who read the article? It had to be Sam. Dean was never too intuitive and gladly took your answer that your parents died as a final answer. Why was he searching about me to begin with? Did I tip him off about something? Is he going to bring this up to me? Am I going to have to talk about this again?

You fell back first onto your bed, allowing yourself to try and take deep breaths while you stared up at the ceiling. You always thought that the answer “they’re dead” when anyone asked you about your parents would’ve been enough, but maybe it wasn’t? Maybe the way you said it made Sam question that answer? You wanted to be sucked up in a hole, the scars on your body seemingly burning at the thought of having to talk about how they were placed there. You knew other people went through what you’ve gone through. Of course your parents aren’t the only abusive parents in the world, but they left you for dead. The beat you and cut you. They hurt you in every way and then just.... left. They didn’t care what happened to you after that last session. You were lucky that your neighbor even stopped by that same day to see you passed out on the living room floor. If it hadn’t been for her, you weren’t too sure that you would be where you are right now - alive.

A knock on your door startled you out of your thoughts, a soothing voice floating through, “y/n, are you alright?” It was cas. You wouldn’t doubt that he knows what happened to you, considering he was a literal angel, but he never made it obvious if he does. What he does make obvious is that he can pick up on your moods and that he knows when somethings wrong.

“I’m fine cas, just need to lay down for a bit,” you called out. You could sense him hesitate before a distant thud was sounded throughout the bunker. You knew that sound to be the door leading from the garage, and your dread began to turn into panic sweats. The sound of Cas’ footsteps furthered themselves, and you quickly got up to ensure your door was locked.

Considering the laptop had been sitting where it was for a few days when Sam and Dean had left originally, you didn’t know whether Sam had been thinking about it the entire time he was gone. Maybe he had forgotten and wasn’t going to bring it up, but you didn’t want him barging in when you were feeling as self conscious as you were right now. No matter what, you felt exposed, like you weren’t even wearing any clothes to begin with.

“Y/n are you in there? We’re back from the hunt,” it was Sam at your door this time. Your hands instinctively went to unlock your door out of habit of hearing his voice. Even when you were trying to avoid him, you physically couldn’t. You opened the door up enough to see his face, and enough for him to see yours. He offered you a slight smile, but you knew he had a lot to say by the way his eyes danced across your face and even willingly looking down towards your body. Was he thinking about what happened to you right this second? Was he envisioning what your body probably looks like thanks to the detailed article that he had read beforehand.

“Welcome back, how was it?” You offered up, bringing his attention back to your face that was glowing pink as the heat rushed throughout your body.

“Didn’t do much, Garth had beaten us to it, and honestly I just wanted to come back home,” he shrugged.

“Oh yeah? Why?” You asked. The second you did, you felt stupid. You knew why he wanted to come home.

“Can I come in? I mean, I don’t mind talking to what looks like a floating head, but I’d rather be comfortable sitting on your bed while having a full blown conversation,” he joked, pushing his hands into his pockets. Your mind blanked for a second before you slowly nodded, backing up to open the door up enough to let him in, and then closing it right after. He made himself comfortable, taking his shoes off before placing himself on your bed with his back rested against the headboard.

“I know what you want to talk about,” you blurted out, avoiding eye contact and beginning to grab the miscellaneous things around your room to begin to clean up. It was always a habit when you felt any type of discomfort, “you want to talk about my parents. I saw the article up on the laptop.”

A deep sigh escaped his lips as he sat up a bit, cross-crossing his legs and leaning forward more.

“I know I shouldn’t have searched you. I genuinely apologize for that. I could just... tell that you were hiding something. I could tell by how quickly you always turned the subject away when your parents were brought up. I guess I just got too curious for my own good.”

You nodded. You understood. For the most part, you were an open book, especially with Sam. He knew all you quirks and triggers. He knew you better than anyone else, you just thought you did a better job at hiding this one thing. Taking a chance, you looked up and made eye contact with him. He didn’t show pity like you expected and experienced from anyone who ever knew you after the incident happened. Instead you just saw comfort.

“They were assholes. Big, huge, assholes who in my opinion should rot in prison, but instead they are out in a measly fifteen years.”

“I can agree with you there,” he chuckled a bit, patting the bed next to him, indicating that he wanted you to sit next to him. You shook your head no, feeling your eyes start to well up with tears.

“I hate them, Sam. They left me so broken. They left me looking so troubled, so unloveable,” you whispered, breaking eye contact with him and opting to continue straightening things up around your room. You kept thinking internally, your sadness diminishing and your anger rising a bit. You turned back to Sam who was just watching your every move. You usually would’ve shied away from that, but this time was different.

Without any thought or hesitation, you pulled your shirt over your head, leaving you in a pair of leggings and your bra.

“Oh god,” he whispered, seeing your bare body for the first time. In fact, he was one of the first people to truly see your body other than the multiple nurses and doctors that treated you after the incident, “what did they do to you?”

It was that moment that you felt a weight lift off of your shoulders. The way his eyes were gentle as they looked over your entire frame, not an ounce of judgement seeping into you skin, just carefulness and genuine sorrow.

“They did a lot, but I’m still alive. I’m here, I’m healthy, I’m loved, and I’m alive. That’s all that matters.” I murmured, throwing my shirt back on before taking up his earlier offer of sitting next to him, “I know I could’ve told you the truth earlier, I just prefer to not talk about it anymore. It’s painful.”

“That’s understandable, y/n. And again, I’m sorry for snooping into it, but I don’t regret knowing. You’re so strong, and I’m so glad you’re here - alive and healthy,” you nodded, allowing him to grab you into a hug, pulling you into his lap. You chuckled a bit at the strength he formed around you, before pulling away a bit and looking at him, “I love you, and I’m so glad you came into my life. Even though your parents are going to be out of jail one day, that doesn’t ensure that a tragic accident may not happen to them,” he smiled at his own words, sending a louder laugh out of your mouth.

“I love you, too, moose. Thank you.”

[cmtwimagines]

Feel free to send in requests!

While i love coming up with my own scenarios, i would love the challenge of coming up with stories based off of your own visions! Right now i’m on a criminal minds kick for writing, but i will write for Marvel or Supernatural characters! Send me a request, it can literally be about anything (obviously even triggering content!) 

I would like to reiterate though, that i don’t write intending to trigger anyone. I’m 22 years old and i’ve always found comfort in reading triggering pieces that i can relate to the tough times in my life, and that’s all i want to provide. I don’t want to trigger anyone though, so please keep that in mind! 

[cmtwimagines]

Not In Control

AARON HOTCHNER X READER

SUMMARY: You never thought you’d become one of the victims that you fight for.

WARNINGS: Sexual Assault

WORD COUNT: 2.5k

As you walked down the sidewalk, you were positive you weren’t even in your body. You felt as if you were ripped out of your skin and your soul was slowly dragging itself back to the current police station that you and the team were settled in, working on this new case. Your mind ran blank, your body so clearly shaken up but you just couldn’t get a grip on what you were doing or what just happened. Your shirt was untucked from your pants, a few buttons missing, exposing some of your stomach. Your pants didn’t feel like they fit right anymore, maybe it had to do with the panic sweat that accumulated all over your body making the pants stick to your thighs like glue.

“y/n?” You heard your name being called out in the distance. It was like your head was in a cloud, any sound ringing around you making it impossible to focus on anything other than simply walking without falling over.

“Jesus Christ, y/n? Are you with me? What happened?” The same voice popped back up, sounding panicked. You still didn’t register anything until you felt a hand on your shoulder, quickly bringing you back down from the clouds as a cry escaped your mouth.

“Don’t touch me! Stop!” Whoever’s hand it was, they were quick to remove it, and you were even quicker to fall to the ground, pushing yourself to the nearest wall.

“Y/n, it’s just me. It’s Aaron, and Emily’s here with me,” you blinked a few times, the sound of Aaron’s voice bringing you a bit more clarity to see that you were in fact not alone. You were in the entrance of the police department, the environment relatively quiet around you, and not just Emily but the entire team plus a few cops watching everything unfold in front of them.

Your hands were shaking, your heartbeat rising as you finally gained the ability to register what just happened. A sob escaped your mouth, and as you went up to begin wiping tears from your face you were met with the back of your hand being covered in blood.

“He wanted to hurt you, Aaron,” is all you managed to get out through the sobs that wouldn’t stop. You could feel yourself begin to hyperventilate, your mind racing and replaying all of what just happened to you. His hands covering your mouth and neck to shut you up as he pushed you against the brick wall, not even a block from here. His grimy fingers believing they had the right to your body as he stuffed his hands down your pants and threatened to kill you if you made any sound. You thought he was for-sure going to kill you afterwards, why wouldn’t he? What surprised you the most was that he didn’t go any further. Instead, after a few moments of violating you, his breath was back on your neck.

“Now tell Aaron, the ball is in his court. I’d love to see him try to top this. I’ve been watching how he looks at you. Boy, is that man in love. Hopefully this will hurt him. If not, at least I get the satisfaction of knowing it sure as hell hurt you,” he had the audacity to laugh after that, right before smashing your head into the wall behind you and ditching you right there in the alleyway. It didn’t take you long after that to get back on your feet, leading you to where you are now.

“Hey y/n, calm down okay? Can I touch you? Can I grab your hand?” Aaron was being gentle, his usual stern voice gone, and an upset, gentle one taking control of his vocal chords. Your tears haven’t stopped, and your chest felt unbearably tight, but you nodded to let him know that he could touch you. You needed him to touch you. You needed him to take away the feeling of the other mans hands.

Aaron moved slow as he sat down next to you and grabbed your hands, attempting you calm you down with soothing words and a low voice. You tried not to think about the incident and to just focus on what he was saying and the feeling of his hands in yours. You were calming down, enough to notice that the others had dispersed, clearly knowing that space was necessary and that they’ll be filled in on what happened soon enough.

“Now I need you to tell me who did this to you, and if you can manage to tell me, what they did to you,” Aaron calmly spoke, taking advantage of your more even breathing and seemingly clearer mind.

“I know I shouldn’t have been walking alone. You even told me not to and I went against your wishes and did it anyway. I’m so sorry, I’m so stupid, I just needed some air,” your tears started to pick back up at the memory of Aaron specifically saying that with a serial rapist and murderer being loose in this small town, that it simply wasn’t safe for any woman to be on the streets by themselves. You don’t know why you suddenly thought the rules didn’t apply to you, but you had wished that you listened. Aaron was always right after all.

“Don’t apologize, just tell me what happened so I can help,” he quipped back, getting desperate to get to the bottom of things so he can help catch whoever did this to you. His ability to stay focused on the actual Unsub was growing stronger now that you were the victim. All he wanted to do was hold you and never let you go, but you both had jobs to do.

“It was the mailman. I don’t remember his name, but r-remember? he even came into the station to give us a letter he had supposedly come across on one of his mail runs,” his face stuck in your mind, and you squeezed your eyes shut, just hoping for a second of piece without picturing his face looking down on you, “he wanted to hurt you, so he hurt me knowing the affect it would have on both of us,” you sucked in a deep breath, just trying to get through telling Aaron what happened without full on sobbing again. 

“Did he-”

“Not fully. He just- he pushed me against the wall and just used his hands, but he didn’t take it any further,” you cut off Aarons question, answering what you knew he was going to ask, “but he still violated me, and he did it with the intent of hurting us. Then he slammed my head against the wall, and after that i somehow made it back here.”

He was silent for a minute while your crying picked back up. His hands squeezed your a bit tighter before he decided to move in a little closer and surround you with a hug. You could tell he was hesitant, but you pulled him even tighter against you, trying to memorize the feeling and replace the memories. 

“I’m sorry i wasn’t there to help you,” he started. You shook your head, knowing none of this was Aaron’s fault. In fact he even warned you, but even then deep down you knew it wasn’t your fault either, it was his. 

“C’mon, lets get you to a more comfortable place while i tell the team who it was so we can catch him, yeah?” you nodded, accepting his offer as he did most of the work of lifting you up. He brought you into a quiet room just off the main room that everyone was waiting patiently in. You passed the team who offered you distraught and worried faces, but you weren’t ready to speak out-loud to anyone other than Aaron. He was your rock, and while you wish none of this had ever happened to you, you sure as hell were glad you were with him. 

You didn’t pay much attention to Aaron as he stated he’ll be right back once you were settled into a comfortable chair. You pulled your knees up to rest your chin on them. You could hear Aaron talking in the other room, and the others talking back but the words weren’t clear to you. You just wanted to forget everything that happened. You felt guilt settle in your stomach knowing you could’ve avoided this if you had just listened to what you were told. Now you were putting the team in a weird situation because you were the one and only of this unsubs’ victims thats alive. You knew the most information out of anyone to be able to catch this guy, but all you wanted to do was forget.

Aaron was quick to come back in and announce that he was taking you to the hotel the team was staying in. You didn’t fight, knowing you would be no help here. 

“Are you going to stay with me?” you asked, as you sat in the passenger seat while Aaron drove towards the hotel. He looked at you briefly before nodding.

“Of course. I’ll still be working with the team over the phone, but i don’t want to leave you alone.” 

You were beyond grateful to have someone like Aaron. The two of you didn’t have a defined relationship, but you knew there was definitely more than platonic love between you two and you wouldn’t have wanted anyone else by your side during this.

“He-,” you paused, knowing the words coming out of your mouth were going to be hard, “he didn’t rape me, Aaron. i just want you to know that. He took advantage of me in one way, but he didn’t fully assault me,” and by the way his eyebrows scrunched, you could tell your entire sentence left his mind running wildly.

“He still assaulted you, y/n. It should’ve never happened and you’re still hurt and most likely traumatized by it. It doesn’t matter if he didn’t “fully assault” you, he did enough.”

The car ride was quiet after that. You knew he was right and you were just trying to downplay what happened so you could try and convince yourself that it wasn’t that big of deal, but it was. No one has the right to touch your body without consent, everyone knows that and yet there’s still people like him that feel they’re deserving of forcibly touching you.

You were too deep in thought to realize that Aaron had already parked and began to walk around the car to your side. The sound of your door opening made you jump, before realizing it was just him. He didn’t question you, he figured you’d be stuck in your head for a bit, instead he just wordlessly helped you out of the car and towards your hotel room. 

The second the door closed behind the two of you, you could feel the tension in the room. Is he upset with you for not listening to him earlier? Is he judging you for not being able to fight back? or are these just things that you’re upset with yourself about?

“Are you upset with me?” you blurted out. At this point, the ability of censoring your words or thoughts were out of the picture. You were still wound up and hurt, and you needed the room to not be filled with unnecessary tension. You needed his comfort. His frown deepened as he made eye contact with your worried eyes. You were looking at him as if you might cry again, and he hated it. He hated seeing you so distraught when he knows you to be one of the toughest people he’s met.

“Why would i be mad at you?”

“I didn’t listen to you earlier about not going outside by myself,” you accentuated with your hands, “you literally said it was dangerous for any woman to go outside by themselves and i still did it! I must look so stupid!”

“Are you kidding, y/n?” a deep sigh escaped through his nose as he just stared at you, “In no way is any of this your fault. I need you to understand and believe that. No, i am in no way mad at you, so please get that out of your head. I’m worried. I feel a bit sick knowing something like this has happened to you, but i am no where near mad. I’m thankful you’re still alive. This is about you, and how you’re hurting, and i just need you to believe that i’m not mad and that i will do anything to help you work through this. We’re going to find this man, and lock him up for the rest of his life. I still feel like thats not enough for what he’s done to you and many others, but he’s not going to win in any way.”

You didn’t realize you had started to cry again, nodding you head as Aaron approached you carefully and wrapped his arms around you. You could tell he wanted to say so much more, and that he wanted to do so much more, but there wasn’t anything he could do. 

“I love you, you know that right?” he whispered into your hair. You nodded. You’ve known for awhile that he loves you. It’s been shown in the light touches he’ll give you throughout the day. The way he looks at you when he talks. The way he hangs onto every word you say, and always forms a response just to hear you continue to talk. It’s also in the way that he’s always been the first one to approach you after a bad case to ensure that you were doing alright, and he always accepted your need for physical affection to help you cope with the tragedies’ you all experience. 

“I know. I love you too, Aaron,” you responded. He continued to hold you in a hug, before pulling away a bit to look down at you. He asked you questions along the line of you being hungry or if you wanted him to put on your favorite show so you could lay in bed and distract yourself for awhile. You accepted all of his efforts and by the end of the first hour of being in the hotel, you were cuddled up in the bed watching your favorite sitcom while stomaching a few of the fruits that were cut up and placed in front of you.

Aaron occasionally took calls from the team, working with them, but his body was always connected with you in some way, as if he was afraid you’d disappear if he wasn't touching you. The mailman, who’s name you found out to be Daniel, was caught and arrested within hour four of you and Aaron laying in bed, and your mind was put to ease a bit knowing he couldn’t hurt anyone else. 

It was going to take awhile to cope with what happened to you. Everyone on the team knew that, but you were brought a bit of comfort and peace knowing you had all the right people surrounding and supporting you, and that you had Aaron to fall back on. You would get through this, it was just going to take some time.

[cmtwimagines]

Masterlist ✨

MARVEL:

Tony Stark 

Heavy Heart - You tried your best to not let anyone find out, but maybe it’s for the better. (TW - Self Harm)

Insecure - You don’t see yourself how everyone else does. (TW - Low Confidence, Insecurities) 

Bucky Barnes 

Bad Day - Bucky’s not there and Y/N can’t catch her breath (TW - Anxiety + Depression)

Instinct - Your father had been a bit of a drunken terror and Bucky’s just now finding out. (TW - Abuse, Parental Abuse)

Sebastian Stan

Just Another Day - You had gotten too comfortable at your old job where no one noticed anything about you and didn’t think about how hard it would be to hide your ongoing secrets from your new coworkers (TW - Domestic Abuse, Mentions of Anxiety) (Sebastian Stan x Reader x Matthew Gray Gubler)

Peter Parker

The Secret - You didn’t even know how to process your own emotions over the situation, what would Peter think? (A bit of angst, Fluff)

* * * * *

CRIMINAL MINDS:

Spencer Reid 

Thinking Thin - You knew you couldn’t hide your habits forever, you just hoped you could’ve hid them a bit longer. (TW - Eating Disorders, Low Self-Esteem, Self Degradation)

You Deserve Better - Most coping mechanisms weren’t that healthy, you just couldn’t seem to give yours up. (TW - Self Harm, Self Deprecation, Insecurities/Low Self-Esteem)

Aaron Hotchner

Not in Control - You never thought you’d become one of the victims that you fight for. (TW - Sexual Assault)

Early Mornings - The very rare mornings where you wake up and your boyfriend was still home and in bed were definitely cherished by you. (Smut!)

Drifting Apart -  You knew Aaron's job took a lot of his time, but you never imagined you would feel so left out of his life. (TW - insecurities (reader), slight mention of disordered eating/body dysmorphia)

Emily Prentiss

Hidden Love - You were relatively good at hiding your feelings, until the one you were hiding your feelings from gets in a sticky situation. (Fluff-ish)

Physical Comfort - Even though your relationship had always been kept on the down low, the current case was too much for the both of you to stay apart from each other afterwards. (Fluff-ish)

* * * * *

SUPERNATURAL:

Sam Winchester

The Article - Your past may be in the past, but Sam still wants to know everything about you. (TW - Parental Abuse, Mentions of Knives + Cutting)

I Miss Your Smile - You’ve been hiding your anxiety and stress from your boyfriend, but you’re not as good at pretending as you think you are. (TW - Mention of Anxiety) 

[cmtwimagines]

Thinking Thin

SPENCER REID X READER

SUMMARY: You knew you couldn’t hide your habits forever, you just hoped you could’ve hid them a bit longer.

WARNINGS: Eating Disorders, Low Self-Esteem, Self Degradation 

WORD COUNT: 4k

I knew that what I was thinking was just my mental illness talking. While looking at my body in the mirror, I knew that the words I was thinking about what I saw were words only I thought about myself, but it didn’t stop me from thinking them and believing them.

Pulling my t-shirt up a little higher, I felt a sense of dread come over myself when I take in my overall form. My stomach still hung a bit, and from a side view even tight pants couldn’t stop the protruding shape of it. I wanted to cry. I wanted to physically cut the fat off of myself. How humiliating it felt to be fat when I worked in the field that I do, surrounded by beautiful people. How did the team not look at me and doubt my work? How did they feel so comfortable trusting me with their life when I don’t even have my own put together? I sighed as I pulled my shirt back down and tucked it back into my slacks. After throwing a cardigan on to help me cover up a bit more, I was out the door and on my way to work.

The second I walked out of the elevator and towards the bullpen, I could feel my anxiety rising. I had joined the BAU team close to a year ago. I was close with them all, comfortable on an emotional level with each of them, but when it came to my insecurities and every day struggles to just stay alive or even just eat a meal, they were oblivious. So when I was having a bad day like today, my anxiety sat a little higher on my scale and I could only hope that I could keep it low key.

“Good morning, y/n,” JJ sweetly greeted me as I set my bag down. She was sitting on Reid’s desk, him in his chair and Derek standing next to them. I blushed at the attention I got as they followed JJ’s eye-line, and offered back a similar greeting before taking a seat and letting out a sigh.

“Rough morning, princess?” Derek chuckled. I wanted to say yes, but I knew the question was generic and made more for the purpose of humor.

“Just feel like I’m always tired nowadays. As much as I hate to say it, it’s like I need cases to keep me alert and busy,” I offered back. It wasn’t a lie, I was tired. It might have to do with the little food intake, or the restless sleep, but what they don’t know doesn’t hurt. I did feel more alert when working a case, but that’s to be understood since every case is dealing with murderers. If I wasn’t alert, it’d be a bit questionable.

“Well you are in luck then, missy. Hotch wants us all in the conference room, we have a new case,” Garcia chimed in, speed walking past the four of us and towards the conference room. I watched the others stand up and begin to follow her, but the second I stood up I felt the dizziness set in and stopped myself from moving for a second, needing the support of my desk to not topple over. The dizziness subsided and I cleared my eyesight before standing up straight and trying to blow off what just happened. I looked around to see if anyone caught that, my heartbeat picking up a bit when I made direct eye contact with Spencer right before he disappeared into the conference room. The panicked feeling in my chest grew as I walked towards the room. I could only hope he either saw the end of what just happened, or that he was just curiously looking around and looked at me the same time I looked at him. I didn’t have much time to think before entering the room where everyone was already seated, quickly making my way to my own seat in between Emily and Derek.

“Alright team, last night in Washington, a third hiker was found with a limb missing,” Garcia started, flashing pictures of the newest and previous other victims with different body parts missing from each of them. Beginning to brainstorm with the team, my thought process was somewhere else. I really tried to stay with them, and to throw in my own insights, but it was hard when trying to avoid eye contact with Spencer when I could feel his gaze on me a lot of the time. What was he thinking? 

Soon enough Hotch announced that we’ll be flying out in thirty minutes, and everyone started to separate to go grab their to-go bags and finish up any last minute tasks. As I walked out of the conference room, I jumped a bit at Reid standing up straight and pushing off of the railing right outside the door.

“Jesus Spence, are you trying to kill me?” I chuckled, throwing a hand over my heart to be dramatic. My heart was actually beating fast, only continuing its pace once I made direct eye contact with him. He offered a shy smile, tucking his hands into his pockets.

“Sorry, I truly didn’t mean to scare you,” he chuckled, “I just wanted to check in with you, see if you were feeling alright?”

“Oh yeah, like I said earlier, just a bit tired.”

“You looked like you were on the verge of passing out right before we went into the conference room. Are you sure you’re alright? Are you feeling sick?” He pushed on. My cheeks went red knowing he had witnessed my dizziness spell earlier. My mind whirled with all my potential answers, but I just couldn’t think of a good one.

“Oh no, I’m not sick. I’m fine, I promise,” I tried to sound confident in my answer, waving him off while beginning to walk by him. I jumped a bit at the feeling of his hand gently wrapping around my forearm, stopping me from walking away.

“I’ve noticed you have moments like what I saw earlier a lot recently. You know you can talk to me about anything, what’s going on?” My eyes widened a bit at how observant he’s been. Of course he wouldn’t forget what he’s seen considering his ability to memorize literally everything, but I didn’t expect him to notice me as much as he has.

“I-“ my mouth clamped shut at the sound of Hotch calling everyone to start to head out. I took the distraction to pull my arm away from Spencer and speed walk to my desk, grabbing my bag and following the others to the elevator. I begged myself not to turn around and look at Spencer, but it was inevitable when hopping into the elevator and facing the doors to see him joining the rest of us. He wasn’t looking at me, and I let out a deep breath. I knew the conversation wasn’t over. I knew he was not making a scene for the sake of my privacy, which I’m thankful for, but I just never wanted this conversation to pick back up.

* * *

The second we got to Washington and split up, any previous thoughts were thrown to the curb and our attention was fully on the case. Hotch, Reid and I made our way into the police station, and the chief of police was quick to fill us in on everything he knew about the case. Thanking him, we were quick to be left on our own to try and figure things out.

The day went by quickly, everyone joining back at the station around 8pm with more and more information, getting us closer to figuring out the unsub. Spencer’s been watching me a bit, and I could tell he had something to say every time I declined wanting anything to eat and instead settling with drinking more coffee. To settle his mind a bit, I made sure to eat a small vending machine granola bar within his eyesight hoping he would be satisfied seeing me eat something. Before we knew it, it was 11pm and we were all exhausted, ready to head to the hotel for the night and pick back up in the morning.

“Alright, we have four rooms. Who wants to board with who?” Hotch asks as we’re packing up our things. This happens every time, and most of the time Spencer and I would share a room, but sometimes Derek and him would go with each other and I’d get a room by myself considering Rossi and Hotch usually go in one and JJ and Emily would share another.

“I’ll board with y/n,” Spencer called out quickly. Everyone else figured their situation after that, but my mind was racing and my stomach was sinking.

I knew there would be a day where hiding my habits would become a bit harder, I just didn’t want to believe that today might be the day that they may become exposed to someone else. I haven’t lost nearly enough weight for the team to notice, and I’ve been doing extremely well at keeping this personal matter at bay. I’ve never had to talk about any of this with everyone, so it’s a dreadful thought that in just under ten minutes there’s the potential that i’m going to have to try an figure out how to hide what’s going on to the extreme or end up telling Spencer what’s truly going on.

The thought of him knowing sent a buzz throughout my body. My mind told me it’s pathetic that I restrict so heavily, and to still be as fat as I am. Would he even believe me if I told him I have an eating disorder while looking like I do? Most days I want to laugh at myself for having an eating disorder and still being so heavy, and I know that Spencer is nowhere near as cruel as my own mind, but what if he doesn’t take it seriously? Would that hurt more than the constant nagging in my brain and pain throughout my body?

The car came to a stop and we all began to go our separate ways. Spencer grabbed our key from Hotch, and I slowly followed behind his tensed form. He didn’t say anything to me the entire elevator ride up. I could feel him side eyeing me and my cheeks burned red. 

I was expecting him to say something the second we got into our room, but he didn’t. Instead he simply announced that he was going to shower, and left me alone in the room. A sigh of relief left my lips before my mind went straight to overthinking. What if he just genuinely doesn’t care and he was simply “checking” on me earlier to at least acknowledge what he saw? What if he’s simply going to ignore it? Isn’t that what I want? Why do I feel so upset that he’s not asking me more questions, when i’ve been pushing so hard for him not to?

My mind felt like mush. I didn’t struggle like this everyday. Most days went on like normal. I’d wake up, drink coffee, head to work and just immerse myself into whatever project is going on so I didn’t have to think about food. Most days I’d eat at least one meal, two if I got a considerate amount of exercise in. I won’t deny that i’ve lost weight, but it just wasn’t enough, and that was proven by the fact that no one else seemed to notice either. No one on the team ever judged me for my weight, and I know they all loved me for who I am and not what I look like, but it’s hard not to compare myself when on the same team as women that look like JJ and Emily. They were skinny and pretty, men loved to stare at them, while I was always overlooked and ignored. I thought maybe, just maybe, if I lost some weight and tried a little harder, I might feel a bit more loved. And that’s where I felt conflicted. What I’m doing is unhealthy. I know that much, but I couldn’t just stop. It’s become an addiction of mine to really push myself and see how low of a calorie intake I can have each day while still feeling normal. It’s addicting to have control over this when everything else in my life feels so out of reach. 

“y/n?” my head snapped towards the bathroom door, seeing Spencer leaning against the frame. I didn’t realize I had sat down on the end of one of the beds, or that I had just been staring at the wall the entire time. His hair was wet, and he was dressed in a pair of pajama pants and a plain t-shirt. He looked so beautiful, too beautiful to want to be around someone like me. 

“What’s going on?” he asked. I’d be stupid to assume that he can’t read me like a book, but I knew that saying anything along the lines of “nothing” wouldn’t be a suitable answer for him. 

“I’m just tired.”

“Don’t give me that again, y/n,” he sighed frustratingly and I could feel my heart wrench. Was I annoying him? 

“You’ve changed in the past few months. I never see you eat, you’re experiencing dizzy spells, and don’t think I don’t notice how you either avoid your reflection in any reflecting surface or you simply grimace at what you’re seeing. Tell me what’s going on, and don’t lie to me.” 

I shook my head, willing myself to stop the tears that were forming and so badly wanted to stream down my face. I quickly turned my head to the opposite side of the room from him, feeling as if I might implode if I made eye contact with him.

“I’m just tired, Spence. Can we please just leave it at that?” I asked. I didn’t mean to sound so weak, I wanted to sound confident as to not add to his suspicions, but I messed that up too. 

“I’m not going to leave it at that. Do you think i’m stupid, y/n?” this time I couldn’t help but look at him. His voice carried anger and frustration, and it made a ball of guilt and shame expand in my chest. He held eye contact with me before sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Of course I don’t think your stu-”

“You must if you don’t think i’ve caught on to what you’re doing to yourself. You’ve lost a good amount of weight within the past few months, you’re not eating, you keep getting dizzy, your moods are constantly changing, and again - I see the way you look at yourself. Now are you going to talk to me or am I just stuck here keeping these assumptions to myself and letting you hurt yourself?”

My eyes widened at hearing all the things he’s noticed. I was definitely the stupid one for assuming he wouldn’t notice. He was staring me down. I tried to hold eye contact but couldn’t.

“I’m sorry,” I spit out. I don’t know what exactly I was apologizing for, but I know I felt guilty. I felt defeated and sad that while I was hurting myself, I was also making Spencer experience it along side with me unknowingly. 

“I don’t want you to apologize to me!” His exclamation was the final straw to get the tears running down my face. Could I possibly make this any worse? He clearly knows what going on, and I’m only making him more frustrated the longer I continue to not talk about it, but it was still so embarrassing. I didn’t want to talk out loud about this issue, almost like I felt I didn’t deserve to. 

“I want you to tell me you have an eating disorder. I want you to confide in me like I do with you all the time for my problems! I want to hear whats going on in your big, stubborn brain to make you think what you’re doing to yourself is okay!” he approached continued while approaching me. I still sat on the edge of the bed, and he stood right in front of me. I couldn’t help the slight jump at the feeling of his hands gently caressing each side of my face, tilting my head up, forcing me to make eye contact with him.

“I hate how I look,” I softly spoke through tears, “I’m surrounded by beautiful people and I can’t help the embarrassment that floods through me on the daily because I will never be worthy of anyones time. I have rolls and a stomach that hangs over, and I can’t wear shorts or skirts without my thighs chafing and sometimes even my jeans grow holes because they can’t take the tension of having so much fat rub together,” I could feel my regret bubble up with every word I was saying, knowing that whether it be tonight or tomorrow or the day after that, I will regret having talked about any of this out loud, but I can’t stop myself now. It’s been bubbling up in my system for too long.

“I can’t imagine being in a relationship with anyone looking the way I do. I can’t imagine anyone would find me attractive, let alone sexy. I can’t look at myself in the mirror, especially naked, how could I expect anyone else to want to? So i’m trying to lose weight. It might not be the best way, but it’s working. It’s working and it might have some negative side affects, but i need it to work, Spence. I can’t keep looking like this,” now I was frustrated crying. So frustrated that I look the way I do. Frustrated that i’ve never been skinny in my entire life, and that even as a kid I was ridiculed for my weight. Frustrated that what i’m saying won’t make sense to a lot of people, but for me it’s my entire existence. My days revolve around this happening to me, and to others they still just see a fat person. 

Spencers grip tightened a bit when I tried to pull away. His thumbs had been slowly helping wipe away the tears that didn’t seem to want to stop. For someone who claims so much that they didn’t want anyone to find out, I sure did feel all too relieved that the secret was out. I didn’t know what I wanted out of this, but by the look on Spencers’ face, at least I knew I have someone that loves and cares for me even while dealing with such a difficult thing. 

Without saying anything, he pulls me into his chest. My tears were beginning to subside, but the ache in my chest was still persistent.

“I hate to see you treating yourself like this,” he gently started, each word creating a small vibration on my cheek from the rumbling of his chest as he spoke, “You are so strong. You’ve been dealing with this without talking to anyone? How- how you even began to form these opinions and see yourself like this is a mystery to me, but y/n, you are so so beautiful. I don’t know how else to say that. You are so bright and warm, and you help bring everyone to a better place just by being present. It fucking kills me to hear you say these things about yourself, but I get me just calling you beautiful isn’t going to magically fix things.” I could tell he was thinking as he paused after that last second, “I want to help you. I miss your smiles, i miss going out to grab food with you as a small escape from cases. I miss joking around with you, and not constantly being afraid of watching you to make sure you don’t pass out. I know there’s a certain control factor in what you’re doing, but i want to help you get control on things in a healthier way. I don’t know what else to say other than i want to help you. I don’t want to watch you hurt anymore.” 

Silence fell over the room after that. My thoughts were all over the place, and I know his were too. He slowly pulled away from me, bringing his hands back up to my face, forcing me to make eye contact with him again.

“I like the control. I can’t let myself go back to before if i still look like this,” I whispered out. 

“I can’t let you continue this, y/n. I can’t sit around knowing you’ve gone hours without eating and that you’re constantly having inner turmoil telling you you’re worth so little. You’re so important. No matter what you look like, you are and always will be so important. You’re beautiful, and smart, and you are just... so important,” he responded, “you don’t deserve all the bad you’re putting yourself through. There’s so many other things that you can gain control over, but hurting yourself like this should not be one of them. I don’t know what or how to help you, that’s what i need you to tell me. What can i do for you? What do you need from me? because you’d be stupid to think that tomorrow once we wake up and get back to working the case that i’m just going to forget all of this. This will be on my mind until you get your life back.”

I couldn’t stop myself from crying again. A warmth spread throughout my body, hearing him being so supportive and the furthest from annoyed or frustrated like i thought anyone would’ve been was soothing my heart and mind. There’s clearly no coming back from this. Spencer knew my darkest secret and he’s here telling me he wants to help. This is my chance to help myself, and i’d be more than stupid not to do it.

“I just need support. I need help. I still so badly want to lose weight, but i need help working through my disordered eating mindset and i don’t know if i can do that on my own. I just... need help,” I couldn’t think of what else i could say, but i could tell by the slow nodding and the small smile that was forming on his face that he knew what i was implying. 

“I’m so proud of you, just know that. I’m proud that you talked to me and let me know what’s going on your mind. I’m all yours, y/n. I’ll always be by your side and willing to help, you just have to let me.”

I nodded to which he slowly bent down a bit and kissed my forehead. I was beyond relieved that the conversation had died down. I was relieved that someone else knew what was going on in my mind and that i wasn’t alone anymore.

“Now go get your pajamas on. We’ve got a long day tomorrow, and I don’t want you to be too sleep deprived.” he smiled. 

Even though there were two beds, it was figured by the both of us that only one was going to be used. Once I got out of the bathroom dressed in my pajamas, Spencer was quick to pull the blankets back next to where he was laying and indicate for me to hop in next to him. I settled down, his arms gently pulling me closer to him, and i rested my head on his chest.

“Thank you Spence, for everything. I don’t know what i would do without you,” I admitted after he turned out the lights and we were both settled and about to fall asleep.

“I love you, y/n,” he whispered, kissing the top of my head. I lifted my body enough to look at him to ensure he was meaning it the way i thought he was, and the look on his face solidified that it was.

“I love you more, Spence.” 

[cmtwimagines]

Instinct

BUCKY BARNES X READER

SUMMARY: Your father had been a bit of a drunken terror and Bucky’s just now finding out.

WARNINGS: Abuse, Parental Abuse.

WORD COUNT: 1.4k

When it came to the start of your relationship, Bucky was always afraid of hurting you somehow. It took weeks for him to even touch you as lightly as holding your hand or placing his hand on your lower back while walking next to each other. At first you thought he just didn’t want to touch you, but the second he figured out that was your thought process, he made a confession.

“I just don’t want to hurt you,” a frown covered your face as you brought your hand up to rest on his cheek.

“You won’t. I know it,” you replied, small smiles playing on both of your faces.

***

Today you didn’t want to be touched. The second you woke up with a heavy arm covering your body and your breath coming out a little faster than usual, you knew.

Getting out of bed as quietly as possible, you grab a simple pair of leggings and an oversized sweatshirt along with your running shoes. It was only four in the morning, but there was no way you were going to be able to fall back asleep. Taking one last peak at the sprawled out Bucky in bed, you solemnly made your way out of your guys’ room and headed out of the building altogether.

A run would help. Everything was still quiet around you, the world not fully awake yet. You began your run, doing the most you could to not let your thoughts run wild. Memories of harsh grabs and swift slaps caused you to slow down a bit to try and catch your breath. Push through this, Y/N.

You didn’t know exactly how much time had passed but when you got back to the tower the sun was rising and people were definitely more awake now. You walk into the tower, covered in sweat, pulling your headphones out as you hopped into the elevator. When you reached the main floor you mustered up a small smile to Natasha and Steve who were already awake and drinking coffee on the couch.

Bucky’s still sleeping when you get back in the room. You felt a little guilty that you were thankful for that. Taking a moment to look at him, you couldn’t help but feel your heart clench at the beautiful man in front of you. He looked so big and intimidating but in reality there’s no one sweeter and as caring as your super soldier.

You make your way into the bathroom, a shower being something you desperately need after running multiple miles. A frown covered your face as you looked yourself in the mirror. The scars your father had left were discreet enough for a lot of people to not notice them, but you did. You could remember every hit and kick. You could remember every horrible word your own father yelled at you as he drank himself to death.

You made your shower a quick one, no longer wanting to even be in this room anymore. You wrapped a soft towel around yourself just as Bucky sleepily walked in. He couldn’t help the small smile that formed on his lips at the sight of you first thing.

“Good morning, love. Early start today?” He asks while leaning in to give you a swift peck on the cheek. You mentally cursed at yourself for flinching a bit, but not enough for him to notice.

“Yeah, couldn’t sleep that well,” you admitted, walking into the closet.

“Again?” He asked, a deep frown forming.

“Yeah but it’s alright, I got a nice run out of it, don’t worry too much,” you tried to retaliate while emerging back out of the closet in comfy clothes.

“That’s like the third time this week!” He exclaimed, a deeper crease forming in his forehead as he looked at you searching for some type of answers, “are you having trouble falling asleep? Or is it the staying asleep that you’re struggling with?”

You shrugged while turning away and walking back towards the room, “a little of both. It’s no big deal, Bucky. Please don’t worry about this,” you pleaded as he followed you. He hated that you did this. He could see how tired you are. He knew you were really struggling with more than just your sleeping. He just wanted to help you, and you wouldn’t let him.

“Why are you so stubborn?” He exclaimed, not meaning to raise his voice but definitely doing it, “just talk to me! Let me know what’s going on! Why aren’t you sleeping? How can I help?” He was getting frustrated, making his way toward where you were now sitting on the edge of the bed, using his arms to add emphasis to his words. A thousand thoughts were going through your head. One of them being, he looks awfully mad. You knew he would never hurt you, but you could still be afraid. Another one is, you’ve seen this before, a lot, but usually with your father. You didn’t think Bucky would ever do what your father did after he got past the yelling phase, but you couldn’t help the whole body flinch that happened as a result when Bucky got too close for your comfort and his hand was raising, strictly for emphasis purpose, but in the moment you couldn’t control your instincts. He stopped moving, his mouth shutting instantly, not even bothering to finish his sentence.

“What was that?” He asked, his voice a lot softer. You shook your head, in disbelief that you just did that. Tears were forming and you bit your lip in hopes that you wouldn’t actually start crying.

“M’sorry, didn’t mean to do that,” you whispered, refusing to make eye contact with him. You felt guilty. You didn’t want him to think that you were afraid of him, “I know you would never hurt me, it’s instinct Buck, I’m sorry,” you apologized again, finally making eye contact. He looked taken aback, his arms were held to his chest as if he had just been told horrible news.

“Instinct? Why? What’s going on?” He asks. He was growing tired of asking the same question and never getting an answer, and you knew that.

You shrugged a bit, feeling insecure about this whole situation, “my dad used to hit me a lot. Drank too much, had a lot of anger. Haven’t been sleeping too well cause it’s all I can think about recently. I know you would never hurt me.”

His facial expression softened as he took in your shrinking figure as you talked about your past. It’s like you were trying to make yourself invisible, not wanting to be the center of attention anymore.

“I would never. And no one ever again in your lifetime if I can help it. Thank you for letting me know about this,” he consoled, slowly closing the space between the two of you so he could pull you into his chest, “you are so so brave. And so beautiful, funny, talented, amazing, the list could go on,” he soothingly talked as you pushed yourself further into his embrace, “I’m so lucky to have met you and I promise to protect you with everything in my being. If I could change the past I would, but please let me know from here on out if you need my help. It’s what I’m here for,” he smiled, pulling back a little to look down at you. A small giggle left your mouth and was blocked by his t-shirt that you had your face stuffed into.

“Let’s go make some breakfast and then come back in here. We can watch movies and cuddle, I want you to relax for a bit,” he suggested. You looked up at him, quietly agreeing. As he pulled away you couldn’t help but stare at him. He was everything you could have ever wished for and more. As you followed him into the kitchen and watched and laughed as he made you breakfast, you couldn’t help but feel eternally grateful. Bucky Barnes is one hell of a man and you were thankful that after what you went through in your past, you were finally getting exactly what you deserve for a better future, and that is him.