coffinshipperlifer

[coffinshipperlifer]

John: We're having a baby.

Amanda: Oh, cangradu-

John, slamming adoption papers onto the table: It's you, sign here.

[coffinshipperlifer]

John: Where's Adam, Amanda, and Gordon?

Hoffman: They're playing hide and seek.

John: Where?

Hoffman: I don't think you get how this game works.

[coffinshipperlifer]

Strahm: So, what kind of stuff are you into?

Hoffman: Um, well, mostly choking, s&m.

Strahm: I meant like, music….

Hoffman: Oh.

[coffinshipperlifer]

Gordon: I'm not a people pleaser anymore. I'm a huge jerk now.

Hoffman: I've always thought you were a jerk, if that helps.

[coffinshipperlifer]

Amanda: At this point, I'm holding myself together with glitter glue.

[coffinshipperlifer]

John: Yes, I'm adopting these grown adults and you cowards can't tell me no!

[coffinshipperlifer]

Strahm: We ran out of coffee so I'm experimenting with new flavors and expanding my tastebuds.

Hoffman: So what are you drinking right now?

Strahm: Straight bleach.

[coffinshipperlifer]

Hoffman: And I’d love to be sorry for that, but we all know I’ve done much, much worse.

[coffinshipperlifer]

Amanda: Strahm gets offended by everything.

Strahm: What did you say about me?!?

Amanda:

Amanda: Case in point.

[coffinshipperlifer]

Hoffman: You know, you were right.

Gordon: About what specifically? Because I’m right about a lot of things.

[coffinshipperlifer]

Amanda: Wait a minute, how did this happen? We're smarter than this!

Adam: Apparently, we're not.

[coffinshipperlifer]

John: The best way to gain someone's undying loyalty is by saving them from a perilous situation.

Gordon: So you're just gonna wait until Amanda is in danger and save her?

John: Of course not, I'm going to create a situation that puts her in danger and then let her save herself!

Gordon: ...

Gordon: You're insane.

[coffinshipperlifer]

Adam: Is… Is that meant to be on fire?

Amanda: No… not really.

Adam: Are you going to do something about it?

Amanda: Hm… nah.

[coffinshipperlifer]

Adam: You use emoji’s like a straight person.

Amanda: That’s literally the worst thing anyone has ever said about me.

[coffinshipperlifer]

Hoffman: Hey, what’s your Netflix password?

John: IhopeyouDIE

Hoffman: Thank you!

[coffinshipperlifer]

Strahm: Okay, can we all stop saying stupid shit for a moment, please?!

Amanda: Alright.

Hoffman: Hey, I-

Strahm: SHUT UP!

Hoffman: I HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED MY SENTENCE!!

Adam: It was bound to be stupid.

[coffinshipperlifer]

John: Y’know, maybe things aren’t so bad. I’m here. I got the nice ocean breeze. Just alone with my thoughts.

Hoffman: Hey, John.

John: GODDAMNIT!