coldheartedmmi

[coldheartedmmi]

[coldheartedmmi]

why do I have to hurt my self mentally I dont know what to do I cant stop myself. my does life have to be so damn hard to handle why im sacred to hurt other people feels when they dont care about hurting my. I want to open up and tell you shit but were more like just fuck buddys then people who want to be in a relationship we have always been like why is it just hitting me I want to tell hey I know your busy with school and work and well im start to be busy to I dont want to push you away but I know im just bother and I dont need to be in your life and I think its time for us to off and focus on our life as you do I cant go a day without thinking of you and I probably dont even come to your mind and that's okay I just wish you the best in life achieve all your goals go out there and become a better you wish we could do it as a team but I know you have other plans. thank you for being such an understanding guy with all my dumb breakdowns thanks you for being there when I had no one thank you for helping over come eating habits and just learn to enjoy food again thank you for treating good. wish I was able to tell you all of this in person but I was get quite when hangout and we just dont hangout to talk anymore like we us to I wanna give you a big hug and long one too thank you for everything you dont understand how much I needed you in my life doesnt me you have to stay by me if we dont have the same ideas of where we want to go I think it better for us just to go on our own and if we were to reconnect then let it be if not then its okay to wish I was able to send this......

[coldheartedmmi]

why was I born to be this person

Im going on a little trip tomorrow with my friends of over 7 years you would think im excited to go and well im really not its the day before and im overthinking because I can't fit in I can never have fun cause I always overthink there all happy to go and I just not

[coldheartedmmi]

this website has be come my best friend I feel so free on here.

[coldheartedmmi]

as you read listen to where's my love,

Hey Cesar, its me kasandra the girl you been talking to and dealing with for a few months now. I'm writing you this to show you how I feel writing is my way of escaping my overthink makes me clam down. so this one all about you and how you make me feel. your an amazing guy you treat me so good you ask how my day is going you ask how im doing and I like that about you. you try to understand me. but I want to tell you yes I know your a very busy person your four years older then me so you have more responsibilities then me meaning you have to work more a have less time for us. Im really attached to you a lot I say this to myself a lot I feel like I love you but to its a strong word to say because why would I fall in love so quick with you? only been talking for no more then two months, just the feeling I have when im around you I feel like im cared for. as im typing this my overthinking is tell me you don't care for me in any way but im telling it you do you just show it when you can. this is what I deal with on the daily I always have you on my mind there is never a second I don't think about you hoping your being safe, and having fun and I wonder if you think about me how I think about you but I know you don't. my overthinking has gotten me to the point that its using the fact that we don't text everyday and how we don't text back to back it forcing me to push you away cause its showing me that you don't really like me how I like you it but I always find a way to fight back and show that you do like me its just that your busy. I tell myself a lot that you said once you don't know what you want anymore before we started talking so I keep it mind so that I don't get so attached but its still hits me here and there. you don't know how much I hurt there days im breaking down and wanna talk to you so I can feel cared for and able to let everything out I wish you knew you where the only person I trust right now in life but I don't want to bother. If I ever break and end things I hope I send you this I want to see this. I don't want to end but if I ever give up on us I want you to know thanks for being such and amazing guy, you where the first one to take me on real first date thank you for not treating me like shit that's for helping me open up to you thanks you for being my safe place, thank you for giving me those tight hugs when I was breaking down, thank you for never getting upset because of how im with my mental health and how I treat myself thanks you for be an amazing guy you where the first person I ever meet off of those apps and being so kind and respectful not like other guys your mother raised you right, hope you love and keeping on loving the women you end up with in the end and hopefully she shows you save love back hope you guys achieve each other goals together as one, hope every little fight or no matter how big of a fight you guys well find a way to get over it and understand each other problems, hope you guys have an amazing little family your going to be wonderful father. I can't imagine my life without you I care for you a lot hope my mental health doesn't push us apart im be numb if we every stop talking but well see where we end up. God has our whole life planed out and some of it unplanned. take care write on Oct, 30th 2021 at 5;47pm......

[coldheartedmmi]

What I need

[coldheartedmmi]

I lost trust

Trust is any amazing thing helps you believe in people and it shows you that they care for you but once that trust is broken it changes a person and well it changed me a major way why cause the trust I had for every single person I know and care for is gone all expect for one but this all happened because of a few people in the pasted few months have done to me to changed the way I see the world. Ill start with my friend uses to call her a best friend but now just really friend or person in my life. I was a person to text back a lot try to make conversation stay updated on how she was and what she was up and she would do the same but me and her man some how didn't get along even though we never meet we still didn't fuck with each other and well he ended up telling her to remove me from all social media even numbers and on that day I was remove it was normal conversation and them boom the blocking her and then and it killed me I cried in front of the dunking coffee ended up getting a free drink because of my crying it caused me to over think what the fuck did I do why didn't you just say the truth he doesn't want me talking to you cause he doesn't like you and say the truth the truth hurts less then a lie, our 7 plus year gone like that because of fucken boy who didn't like me wanted out your life and well the trust I have for you is not the same I don't share things with you cause I don't want you living out of no where and my trust isn't going to be rebuild with you I sorry but that's how my mindset is now a days you killed a part of me turned me into someone who doesn't show empathy anyone expect those I somewhat trust. After that little bit of trust was removed from my life I thought I couldn't trust again and what did my dumbs ass do after that shit I trusted a boy with my body I trusted him in treating me like how I thought I needed to be treated, I trusted him with my first kiss you know how long I waited 19 years of my life cause I wanted to find the one I trusted and who I thought was a good guy, I think to myself was I so dumb to get attached to a mother fucker who didn't have his shit together who would ask me for money and how still to this day owes my mother money how didn't I every get pull into those fucken lies why did I think I found the one, why did I believe the shit people where putting in my head oh his a good guy he really does care for you that bitch gave no fucks about me all he wanted was another body to his count after fucking me many times he got tried and went to find someone better someone who didn't overthink and think he was doing something wrong when he was talking to other girls when he would trip if I was but I never did cause put all my trust in all his words and that that right is was cause me to be me today. As I type this all I feel is hate to this people I don't know what else to think or feel for y'all old me was so stupid let anyone tell her what to and how to think new me doesn't give a fuck gives attic here and there. the person how knows the real me how shows they actually do care and also care for him has been in my life for a year now and in that year we both had gone through some rough shit but still managed to take connected and well his the person your learning to open up to he know you before all this happened he knows the real you, and you care for him and also does to his a wonderfully person I tell him a lot that without him in my live with that goes in and in my head I don't think I would be here writing this with out him I thank him a lot to sticking by my side even though Im a hard person to understand im not perfect I overthink a lot, I cry a lot, I need lots of attention and he somehow with the very busy life he has makes time to talk to me or see me, thanks you for showing me what life in life I care for you a lot I know I send you a lot of messages saying how much I care well I do care and I want you to know it. okay im done trust is fragile thing caused someone how view on life and on people in a matter of seconds.

[coldheartedmmi]

*gently puts my mental health in rice*

[coldheartedmmi]

may you find people who happily listen while you gush about your obscure interests. may you find people you feel comfortable and safe enough around to be your authentic self

[coldheartedmmi]

Avoid being accessible all the time. Get off of social media, and away from others more often. Invest time in connecting with yourself and pay attention to what you need. Evaluate the things in life that are causing stress, and reconsider the value of them. Become your main priority.

[coldheartedmmi]

So I started a new job and while it’s easy and slow but it okay and we’ll me and Ceaser haven’t really talked a lot this past few days well I’m busy with work and him too so I get it but I hope this doesn’t makes get distant with each other cause that would hurt a lot I hope to see him this weekend if his not busy. It’s okay his always a busy man and works a lot so I get he need the rest we’ll see each other someday 💚

[coldheartedmmi]

My nights have a been a butch every single day it’s get worse and worse I can’t stop thinking how I’m a disappointment I can’t stay in school because I’m to slow and can’t learn anything I have wasted so much time and money in school just to drop out and I haven’t even told my parents they still think I’m in school and tell out family about and there so happy. But in reality I didn’t even last a week in school I lost the motivation to do any work ya I wasted 300 dollars or more on school well shit I don’t know what to do with my life. I feel like there no future there noting in this world that makes me happy I wake up everyday doing the same shit talking shit about myself to myself, bring myself down causing me to start overthinking leading to anxiety attacks having no one by your side to help you the only person you trust is busy with life and work and is tried but you understand that he doesn’t want you interpreting his day to day his not always on his phone so what even is the point of hit him up when i alwsy validation no matter when and where. I don’t want me worrying things with him cause his a good man I just feel like he can’t handle me cause I come with all this problems that I can’t even handle myself. If we ever do stop talking feel like that’s coming just know I love you thanks you for being here and helping me during my attacks that’s for making feel like I’m actually cared for and that you for showing Thats there actually good guys out there very rare, if we ever do part I wish you nothing but the best keep falling your dreams you got a whole lot of head of you and you have the support you need remember if anything I’m alway here to listen anything. Thanks you for being there when I need a shoulder to cry on thanks for taking on my first nice dates thanks you for helping out with my eating troubles. Thanks you for making laugh and smile thanks you so much I mean it your the main person right now in my life giving me hope to live without you I don’t know where I would be. I know your busy no a days haven’t seen you in 2 weeks and we use to see you each other every week once or maybe 3 times a week I miss you a lot but I know your busy with school and work and your family I know I’m not important it’s okay text me when you have time and I know your busy planing for la with your friends the trip we where supposed to go together but I decided to quit from my job causing me to have no money for our trip but it’s okay hurt me little bit when you said you where playing to go with friends anyways like it was our thing but it’s okay I get it have fun enjoy it have the time of your life be safe and don’t forget to have fun. I know when you go out there your going to forget all about and that’s okay go have fun enjoy that’s what’s part of growing up and going out don’t worry about what I have to say or think when your out there do you have fun. My overthinking causes me to end things before I get to hurt I hate it because I throw the greats people away all because of my overthink I’m sorry it’s hard for me to trust people I feel like I’m get hurt again but it’s okay shit I guess that’s part of life well I’m the end I wish you and I the best and if we don’t work out in the end go and find that beautiful and amazing girl out there that’s going to love you care for you and understand you and see you as the amazing man you are I wish you the best in life.

[coldheartedmmi]

[coldheartedmmi]

Iulia

[coldheartedmmi]

The feeling of blank state is unspeakably sad. The way of melting into a perpetual nervous breakdown but still functioning well.

Don't look for answers Darling!

At all.

[coldheartedmmi]

I wish I didn't know everything, that love doesn't exist.

Journal #5

Prompt: What do you know that you wish you didn’t know?

This one took up four pages of my journal.

[coldheartedmmi]

This is a good point I love it because it affects them when there older shows them just to give and give inorder to be liked and they never get nothing in return.

Stop teaching your children to share.

Realistically, the grown-up world isn't going to freely share their things with other people. Forcing your children to share with other children won't accomplish anything, and instead, teaches your child not to be an individual, confident human being. By teaching, sharing is caring, you are forcing your child to share their things with other children they don't know, and allowing OTHER children that it's OKAY to ask for things and be given to. That's not how the world works.

Instead, teach your children how to say 'no' when they don't want to share. It builds individuality, character and confidence. It also teaches children who want to borrow your child's things that not everything is going to be handed to them freely. Stop doing that shit. Please. Your child shouldn't have to share their toys if they don't want to.

Sharing is NOT caring, because children who want what you really have don't give a fucking shit about you. Truth be told.