hi. i'm hannah. i'm seventeen. i love theatre, singing, acting, dancing, reading, and lots of other stuff. i'm always up to help anyone, regardless of how messed up i am myself. this blog is just gonna be whatever i wanna say. height: 4'11.5" CW: 108. GW1: 94.
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WHY ARE YOU SO BEAUTIFUL inside and out?! I love you and miss you Hannah!
aww. I love you Lizzie and miss you like crazy! I wish you still lived here! how did you even find me on here?! lol. ...just please don't tell anyone I have this blog please?
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yesterday and today.
yesterday i found out that this freshman overdosed and died... it hit me really hard. everything death related hits me really really hard. i can't explain why, but i just can't deal with it. because even though it's different from what happened to alex, ken is still dead and won't be able to live the rest of his life... everyone will suffer because of their loss... i just sometimes wish it was me because i deserve to die and this young boys don't deserve it at all. i wish i could've helped them... no one would miss me anyway. people would not be hurt the way they're hurt by these two.
new albany has gone through way too many hardships this past year... we had a kid murder his girlfriend and then kill himself. alex committed suicide. ken overdosed. and on top of all of that i have a friend brooke who attempted suicide multiple times this year and my friend alex overdosed and then attempted suicide. it's been too much. i can't deal with it anymore. it's why i relapsed last night. it's all so sad.
then today i wore shorts and was so self conscious the entire time. i was so afraid these little kids would see it. they probably wouldn't know what it was, but still. and i was even more afraid that evan would see it. he knows that i used to, but i think he assumes i'm better, and i want him to think i'm better. i don't want him to know that i'm still so fucked up. i haven't eaten lunch for the past two days either. yesterday he told me to eat, but i said i had a big breakfast and he left it alone. today he ignored it. i don't want him to think i'm fucked up anymore. i want everyone to think i'm fine...
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yesterday and today.
yesterday was my first day of rehearsal (which i had been freaking out about for weeks). it went a lot better than i expected it to, honestly. i didn't sleep at all the night before because i was so nervous, but honestly, it wasn't worth it. at first i was so scared because i would have to be an authority figure and deal with evan being there every day. but, yesterday evan and i both lead warmups (him more so) and helped teach one of the songs. it wasn't awkward. during warm-ups we made up a dance to "call me maybe" since that's what mary wanted to do warm-ups to. it was funny.
and today was even better. the beginning of the day was all dancing so neither of us could help much with that. we sat on the couch with josh for a lot of it, but then josh went in to help mary and we were out there alone. we talked a lot and he told me this really long story about his friends from ball state. i don't know, it was just nice learning about more of his life that i hadn't in so long. he's seeing someone now which makes me so happy because he's happy (and it helps me not like him like i did again). we're friends again, at least i think so which is great. honestly, he's a really good friend, and always has been. no matter how much he's hurt me, i really can't be mad at him. regardless of if he meant to do it or not, i don't care because i really can't be mad. we can talk about so much now and it's absolutely no big deal because we were best friends. i think this summer will be really great. i'm not dreading seeing him all summer anymore. i don't feel as awkward around him anymore, and i feel like i've grown up since last year. everything's not as big of a deal as it was and we can talk more because we are both more mature. i don't know, it is just going well. i hope it continues that way.
oh, and while i was walking my dog today i remembered something from freshman year. i was walking back to my house after going to the pool with my friend claudia. evan lives down the street from me and was going to his car. i was just in shorts and my bikini top and i literally started freaking out. thinking about that now, i was so immature. like really, it's not that big of a deal, especially because we're theatre kids. it's just something that happens. i don't know, just lots to think about.
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tomorrow.
rehearsals start tomorrow for state fair. i'm terrified. i don't think i'll be enough of an authority figure in the first place. then, evan...
today i went to cody's graduation party, evan came. it wasn't that bad. it actually went pretty well. it's gonna be different when there's really no one else that me or him care to converse with. the rest of the kids will be going into sophomore year or younger... scared.
i have no idea what's going to happen. literally, it's worse than the first day of school for me. i have no idea what to wear, i painted my nails tonight, how will i do my hair?, what should i pack for lunch?, etc. it's bad. i just want to know that everything's going to be okay, but i really will not know until tomorrow at 8:30am. at 8:30am we will show up and the kids don't show up until 9am. therefore, it will be me, josh, mary, and evan for the first half hour. hopefully that will go well.
i'm just freaking out and haven't even been able to sit still today. i don't even know if i'll be able to sleep tonight. this is so bad.
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anxiety.
it's so bad now. ever since i apparently hit that car while parking (i don't think so) i've been afraid to park next to anyone, but i can do that. what i can't do is drive when there's rows of parked cars on either side of the street. i'm always afraid i'm going to hit them. i literally have a panic attack every time i even talk about it. i was going to go to anna's graduation party today, but i freaked myself out thinking there'd be cars on both sides of the street. i didn't want to go just because of that. it was so bad that i had to have my dad drive me. i was crying and shaking. i wouldn't have gone if my dad refused to drive me. why does this have to be such an issue? can't i just get over it? it's been over a month...
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Story of my life: I don't know what to wear because I look ugly in everything
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