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I cheated on my husband

Just about two years ago, I upended my life. I’m not sure why I finally decided to do it that day, but it felt that if I didn’t do something, I’d die. So in the summer of 2019 I downloaded Tinder after 3 years of marriage and nearly 8 years together. I told myself I’d only choose people who were what I considered, out of my league. During my marriage, I gained a lot of weight. My marriage was sexless (not by choice, but not exactly just his fault) and my self-esteem pretty much hit rock-bottom. I have always had an unhealthy need for male validation through sex. Sex has always made me feel powerful and beautiful and wanted, and without sex, I feel that opposite of those. 

My husband and I should never have gotten married. I forced it. I was 22, non-existent self-esteem and convinced this was the best I could do. It wasn’t fair to me, and it wasn’t fair to him. Now, don’t get me wrong, I truly love my husband and want nothing but wonderful things for him. It just took me 8 years of being together to realize I love him as someone loves a friend or even family. My love for him was very platonic and I believe it was the same for him.

However, I didn’t want platonic love. I wanted sex and passion. That’s where he came in. In my opinion, he was way out of my league. He had beautiful, intense eyes that screamed trouble. He carried himself in such a confident way, he could have anyone and he wanted me? Impossible. We spoke briefly on Tinder, discussed the nature of what our engagement would be. I didn’t tell him I was married. I don’t know why, I don’t think it would have changed his mind, but I think I wanted 100% of the blame. This was all me, I was being the bad guy. 

I agreed to meet up with him, just to hang out. Of course, we both knew that wasn’t going to be what we did, but as I got closer to meeting him, I was terrified. By the time I was standing in front of him, I was trembling. He thought it was cute. I knew the second he looked at me, that I was going to do whatever he wanted, because he made me feel wanted in a way I hadn’t felt in so long. 

I lost my best friend because of my decision. I lost my previous life. I felt completely lost, and yet, so free. I didn’t have to feel trapped anymore, it was over. The second I kissed him, I knew I was done with my husband. 

I didn’t sleep with him. I definitely did more than I should have, but we never had sex. In fact, I saw him a few times after I left my husband and we still never had sex. And truly, I’m glad because it wasn’t what I needed. I needed to remember that I am desirable and that I don’t have to settle.

I left my husband the next day. I packed my clothes while he was at work and I left. That was it. I wasn’t married anymore. I was free for the first time in my adult life to be who I wanted, do what I wanted, and who I wanted. 

I’ve grown in two years. I’ve reflected on how I ended my marriage and I still don’t regret what I did. I know it wasn’t right, morally. Cheating when you’ve promised not to is pretty shitty, but I know I would never have left without doing it. I needed proof that I could be okay without him, that there were people who wanted me. I have since gone to therapy to work towards finding self-worth through you know, my self.

So why am I sharing this story? Why am I telling the entire internet that I was an adulterous slut? Because I own my mistakes and my choices. And I know there are people struggling through what I struggled through. Just know that one decision doesn’t have to define you. And as for the “once a cheater, always a cheater” people, I don’t know what to tell you. I truly can’t say I would never cheat again, because circumstances change and relationships can be complicated. I will say, I have learned from my marriage and I no longer accept love from anyone who offers. I have desires and needs that I’m not willing to sacrifice anymore and it has led me to finding more fulfilling relationships. Learn what you want and be unapologetic about asking for it. I accept the judgment I receive for the choices I’ve made, because at the end of the day, I’m comfortable with what I’ve done.

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So, I live in a pretty disgusting building that is infested with various pests. One of those pests is squirrels. It is the one highlight of living here.

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Meet my beautiful step-baby Penny. You’re likely to see a lot of her.

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Do as the Romans do

Hello Tumblr world!

My name is Kira and I am just another basic white girl with a blog. COVID-19 has had me searching for new (or revisiting) old ways to entertain myself. That brought me back here, a place I haven’t been in just under ten years lol. 

Anyways, this blog is likely to be a bunch of nonsense for a few weeks before I inevitably give up speaking to the void, but catch me while I’m here! 

This blog will likely contain adult themes, since I am an adult (at least that’s what they tell me). I will blog about pretty much whatever I want, so that could include references to sex, drugs, all the fun trauma I’ve encountered, etc. If these are things you don’t like, that’s okay! I’m not for everyone. In fact, I’m for very few which is why I have to speak to the internet and not real humans. Anyways, if you decide I’m not for you, that’s fine, but you can do that without saying mean things to me or about me on my posts or in my DMs. It’s boring and I will almost certainly post it across my various social channels to shame you. But hey, I’m giving you a heads up because I’m fair. 

So, hello all, I hope you stay awhile because I think I have cool things to say sometimes. I also happen to think I’m funny (but I might be the only one, oh well).