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[contradictoryenigmas]

2023 Postmortem: 10 Questions

Phew, 2023 is almost over and I for one am glad to see it go. Considering I felt last year was one of my more difficult years, 2023 must have thought I was throwing down the gauntlet and decided to up the ante. Various points throughout the year saw me reach my breaking point. Somehow I was able to pull myself back from no return, but at a great cost to my mental and physical self.

This has been one of the hardest ten-question pieces I've written as I was trying to find a good balance of talking about the difficult parts while also making sure to find the positive points that happened - no matter how short it felt like.

Buckle up, it's going to be a ride of sorts.

Author’s Note: If you are new to this or want to take a look back at previous pieces, you can click on the links here: 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, and 2022.

What made up your body of work this year? Which parts are you most proud of?

95 percent of my work this year was for the day job. Whether was researching various specifications for vehicles, dealing with various issues from customers, or determining what we needed to be keeping an eye on down the road in terms of features. Most of the year has felt like a slog with a neverending list of vehicles coming in and a shrinking staff that felt like we couldn't keep up. I felt even more drained than last year.

Towards the end brought some much-needed good news. A few new people came to our team and brought down the workload by a large amount. At least it doesn't feel like we are playing catch-up anymore.

A bright spot for the year was being added to our internal news service editorial staff. This allows me to help in the process of publishing stories by doing copy edits and going over changes with co-workers. It also allows me to keep my writing skills somewhat sharp.

Speaking of writing, there was barely any of it for the year. This year's ten-question piece is the first thing I have really written for 2023. It comes down to me not having the spark or desire to write anything. I haven't been lacking ideas. The past year in the automotive has been fruitful with electric cars making inroads, questions about fuel economy and affordability, autonomous driving, Tesla, and more. Yet, I haven't any desire to take these ideas from the head and put them out there in the world.

What were your top 5 moments of the year? Being added to the editorial staff for our internal news service Seeing both of my parents retire Taking time off to help me recharge Spending a bit more time playing video games Making some inroads on finding a new job

(It was difficult trying to figure out the top five as it felt like a lot of the year was filled with so many negative things. Trying to scrounge up any good moments is quite hard).

What are you really glad is over?

I don't have a good answer to this as I have several things up in the air as 2023 comes to a close.

How are you different today than you were 365 days ago?

My mental health has been on a roller coaster of sorts. I'll have good days where it seems nothing could go wrong, and days where I find myself in the murky depths, wondering if I will be able to get out. I had many of these days throughout the year whether due to news, personal, financial, or other items. This explains why I spent a lot of my time in my apartment, sitting or lying down. Didn't want to have others experience the cloud of darkness. I know this is the opposite of what I should be doing - going out, visiting friends, and experiencing new things. But when you're caught between the rock and hard place, and no easy and quick way out - very difficult to get out.

If there is a bright spot, it is how much quicker I have been able to spot myself falling into the spiral and pausing it. I may do some journaling, go for a walk, listen to some music, or lie down to help reset myself. The more I catch myself going into a depression cycle, the easier it becomes to get out.

My usage of social media has gone down drastically throughout the year. A lot of this can attributed to Elon Musk's decisions on the service formally known as 'Twitter'. I have stopped posting there since late Spring after setting up accounts on BlueSky and Mastadon. I find myself using BlueSky more as there more people I follow from 'Twitter' who have come over. But it isn't the same as it once was and I cannot fully put my finger as to why.

Is there anything you achieved that you forgot to celebrate?

How much progress I have been making on the job hunt. I started this in earnest back in late Spring. While most of the opportunities I have applied for have either not gone anywhere or picked a different candidate, I have started to feel more at ease with writing out cover letters and presenting my best self during interviews. It still is quite stressful and takes a lot out of me. But with what I have learned throughout the year, I think the job hunt in 2024 will prove to be fruitful.

What have you changed your perspective on this year?

That it is ok to take a break from the news. Considering how this year has felt like a raging waterfall of news seemingly breaking every hour of each day, I had to significantly cut back on the news. I may read a summary of what happened during the day or just go dark, depending on my mood. I may not be as up-to-date as other people, but it does make me feel less like impending doom is coming.

This year has also brought forth how lonely I'm been since COVID-19 made its way to the U.S. It oddly stemmed from me binging many Unsolved Mysteries hosted by Robert Stack. The music and Robert Stack's presentation sent chills down my spine as they did when I was a young kid. I needed somebody to bring me back down to earth and comfort me. It's a ridiculous way to find out you're still dealing with loneliness, but it helped put it into perspective. I've only seen my co-workers only a few times this year, and have only talked with a close friend of mine throughout the year. The remaining friends haven't heard a peep from me since last year or more.

There is something you are taught when you start off in computer security; finding a balance between security and convenience. It boils down to determining the right amount of lockdown and ease of entry into a given environment. For example, requiring only one key to enter a vault full of gold makes it very convenient for a person to get in, but it also makes it very tempting for someone to rob. On the opposite, having seven different locks requiring a different way to open a house makes it very secure. But it also makes a pain in the butt when you're trying to escape a rain storm or worse.

I've realized that I have been focusing a bit too much on security for myself while negating the convenience aspect of being around people. I had good reasons as to why, but it also made me feel more lonely as time went on. Figuring out how I can best protect myself while trying to be more personable is a goal for next year.

The last thing I have learned throughout this year is that I cannot force myself to write. This was something I did a lot when I did freelance writing. No words being put on a digital sheet of paper meant no money to keep living. The downside to this was a major loss in quality and originality, something I would attribute to why I lost many assignments and gigs throughout my freelancing life.

Despite wanting to write as I mentioned earlier, I had no motivation or desire to force myself to pull words out of thin air. I realized that I still haven't fully recovered my writing skills to a point where I felt like I could start posting stuff regularly again. I don't know if writing will become a part of me as it once was years back, but I still have that desire to get my thoughts out there in the world. Maybe some writing rehabilitation through practice prompts and journals will help in the new year.

Who are the people that came through for you this year?

I have to give a big thank you to my family who helped me through some difficult times throughout the year. Also worthy of thanks are my therapist, the people who I talk to on BlueSky and Mastodon, and some close friends.

What were some pieces of media that defined your year?

Super Mario RPG

I remember playing the Super Nintendo version of Super Mario RPG and being charmed by its story, characters, and music. The recent remaster for the Switch only amps the charm. I spent a good couple of weeks playing and growing attached to the characters and wanting to see how the story went. When the 'the end' screen came up, I almost started a new playthrough. I may pick this game back in 2024 just to experience the joy again.

Unpacking

A game about unpacking various items and placing them throughout various rooms? Seem a bit tedious for a game, but it works so well. You're being told a story of a person through various moves during their and items. The varying locations and amount of items to place give you an idea of where this person is in their life and dreams and hopes. An idea that seems crazy when you read the description, but works so well when you play it.

Satisfied Mind by Jon Regan

When this song came up during my Discover Weekly on Spotify back in the Summer, it hit me in such a way that I cannot fully express. The lyrics of the song are a guide to what I hope to accomplish down the road.

Honorable Mentions: The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom; The Case of the Golden Idol; Amen by The Heavy; Ancient DOS Games on YouTube; the Unf*ck series of books by Dr Faith G Harper; The Honjin Murders by Seishi Yokomizo.

What will you be leaving behind in 2023?

I don't have a really good answer for this prompt. A lot of the issues that came up in 2023 are going to continue into the coming year. At least I have some ideas to make them more bearable as I hope to leave them in 2024.

What do you hope to accomplish in 2023?

Originally, I was going to put [REDACTED] for the various items I hope to accomplish. This allows me to claim whatever I do in the coming year as one of the items on the list. Ultimately, I decided to scrap this idea for the time being. Instead, here is a small list of items I hope to work on in 2024.

Exercise: I was able to do a bit of exercise for a fair chunk of 2023 and it made me feel better both in terms of physical and mental health. Then I stopped doing it for various reasons, and my health has taken a bit of a tumble. Getting an Apple Watch for Christmas has reignited my desire to get back into exercising. Going to start slow to get myself back into it before I start to ratch it up.

Money Stuff: I made some headway on this at the start of the year by monitoring how money was being spent. That's all I got to without starting to set up a plan and I just ended up not monitoring it. This would prove to be a bad idea as unexpected issues came up such as replacing the front suspension on my car and draining my bank account. I'm going to start back monitoring my money, along with figuring out a plan to where I can cut back on some spending items and start stashing more money.

A new gaming computer: I was able to finally replace my old MacBook Pro with a new MacBook Air. It is really nice in terms of size, performance, and quietness. Now, I need to figure out a replacement for my current gaming PC. It is getting up there in age and will shut off when playing newer games. Whether I decide to build one or do a pre-built from somewhere is up in the air at the moment.

There are some other goals I would to accomplish like finding some time to travel and working towards a new car, but these depend on various factors like trying to find a new job to jump-start them.

I thought 2023 would be the year where I would be able to make some progress in various areas. But it turned it to be one of the toughest years to date. There are many things I haven't mentioned either because they were too personal or I am still working out how to talk about them. I find it tough to be hopeful at the end of this year and to look forward to the next considering what lies ahead - the next presidential election being a key item.

But I do know that I want 2024 to be an improvement over 2023, and to get there, I need to put in a fair amount of work. But also give myself time to rest and comprehend. The Christmas break for me has been spending a lot of time sleeping to try and regain some sort of energy,

Fingers crossed that 2024 works out.

[contradictoryenigmas]

As someone with ADHD, I feel this completely.

my favorite thing about rejection sensitive dysphoria is about how it's such bullshit that pushes you to never try anything new, or to only do it in secret.

"we can't let our loved ones know we're trying a new thing, even if it's something as minor as getting a meal we don't normally try! what if they say something slightly critical or negative about it and we spiral down into depression and then explode?"

WHEN HAS THAT EVER HAPPENED, BRAIN? NEVER, THAT'S WHEN.

but it means you try things so much less often, and you're always wanting to keep secrets, even when those secrets are fucking pointless. like "we can't let our wife know we've been trying lemon bars!"... WHO CARES? SHE DOESN'T, THAT'S FOR SURE! at most she'll go "oh you're trying those new bars?" and you'll have to say something like "yeah they're tasty" and then you'll NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN.

but no, my brain has to hate the idea of me doing things where other people might perceive me in any way!

[contradictoryenigmas]

2022 Postmortem: 10 Questions

Usually, I am on the ball when it comes to the 10 Questions piece for the past five years. It starts at the beginning of December when my mind starts to reflect on the past year and what I want to try and achieve for the upcoming year. For this year's piece, I didn't start this process until the week of Christmas.

I've been feeling like I have been pulled in all sorts of directions and not having any time to relax. Whether it be work, personal stuff, or the various crises the world seems to be in every day, it has made me not interested in doing anything outside of laying down or staring blankly at the wall. But that isn't to say there were moments of joy and hope, it just felt like they were few and far between.

I'm not going to say 2022 was the most difficult year in my life, but I would put it up there in my top five.

Author’s Note: If you are new to this or want to take a look back at previous pieces, you can click on the links here: 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, & 2021.

What made up your body of work this year? Which parts are you most proud of?

I would to like answer this with some sort of writing. Alas, 2022 was barren of writing. I have some car reviews sitting on top of my printer from back in the summer that are awaiting any sort of editing. Others are waiting to be written. I could list various excuses as to why I haven't. It boils down to me not having any sort of energy to put words onto something. Despite the desire to write anything, along with efforts to try; nothing has been really able to flow out.

When it comes to personal writing, a brick wall seemingly pops up when try to write. There's a piece on Twitter that I started earlier this month that is only a few sentences in as I ran out of steam. The only place where I feel like I can make some headway is with a personal journal I keep for myself. I wonder if some of it comes down to being afraid of how people may react to something I've written. Being out of the game for a bit, I could see this as a possible reason.

All of my body of work for this year was with my day job as a specification researcher, now known as a data specialist. The only item I can ultimately be proud of is lessening my workload before going on holiday break. The past few months have seen me get slammed with many new vehicles and feeling like I won't be able to get through all of it. My coworkers have been awesome at helping me out whenever they could. But I can say that after every workday, I felt both mentally and physically drained due to how much work needed to be done.

What were your top 5 moments of the year?

Getting back into the swing of reviewing new cars

Continuing to exercise on a somewhat regular basis

Working on some smaller projects

Cooking more at home

Slowly stepping away from Twitter as a crutch for human interaction

What are you really glad is over?

I feel like a broken record as my answer is the same as last year - the day job! Aside from an intensive workload from late summer to the end of the year, we lost a few people throughout the year - two left in the summer to pursue other positions, and another was let go before the holidays. We do have a couple more people going through training that will hopefully start within the next month, I am wondering how much more I can hold on during the next year.

How are you different today than you were 365 days ago?

Feeling like I am in a constant state of tiredness. I know work is a big reason for this, but other items in my life zap the energy right out of me. What makes this worse is that my sleeping patterns vary; some nights I'm able to sleep decently, while on others I am rolling around in my bed with no sign of entering deep sleep. I try to take naps, but I find it to be more successful during the weekends as my eyes haven't been blasted by bright screens during weekdays. The tiredness has also affected other parts of my life from wanting to try new things, to watching TV.

Another issue that has popped up recently is feeling very lonely. With the pandemic and working from home for the past couple of years, I've been feeling alone and wanting to be around people that I care about. I have friends, but most are out of state and I cannot travel to see them at the moment. Thankfully there are phone calls and Twitter (before Elon Musk started making a mess of it). I do find myself wishing that I had some people closer to me to hang out with. Getting myself to that point is difficult being that the pandemic has made me lose a lot of the social interaction skills I somewhat had.

On the upside, my mental health has been improving throughout the year, partly due to some new medication I started towards the end of last year. I'm not having as many depression episodes. When it does appear, I'm able to resolve it much faster. My ADHD is slightly better as I can focus on certain things, but there are others like aspects that throw wrenches into my day that I'm still working out.

Also been trying to read a bit more when I go to bed to try and help with my sleep. This is to help keep my eyes from looking at a tablet or even my Kindle which causes me to stay awake longer, even though I want to sleep. It has been hit and miss with the sleep, but I am happy to be reading regularly again.

Is there anything you achieved that you forgot to celebrate?

I almost forgot about this, but I was asked by a friend of mine about what they should do next. Their current job was driving them to burnout and wanted some perspective from someone who was in the same boat. I gave them my perspective and hoped that I was able to help them reach their final decision.

What have you changed your perspective on this year?

Twitter. Ever since Elon Musk bought the social network, it has become messy. Trying to list various changes, layoffs, and controversies would take up a fair amount in this piece. But I have started to use it less and less. I realized once again that I had been using Twitter as a replacement for actual human interaction. Twitter is nice if I want to make a stupid joke, catch up with someone quickly, or show off something. But spend too much time and it can become a bit too much with the feeling of FOMO.

I'm still on Twitter and will likely be there when it sinks (or something else). But it has moved away from something I check regularly - Mastadon and CoHost are serving that role.

Who are the people that came through for you this year?

Numerous people deserve a huge thank you. They include my coworkers at my day job, my therapist, folks on Weird Car Twitter and Mastadon, and some very close friends. All of them played a key role in keeping me from going completely crazy throughout this year.

What were some pieces of media that defined your year?

Zelda: Breath of the Wild

An honorable mention last year, it has now moved up to the main stage this year. I finished this back in February and was blown. I've never really played a Zelda game before - only playing a few minutes of A Link to the Past and Link Between Worlds. But something about Breath of the Wild made me sit down and play for around 90 hours. The story unfolds in a way that you find yourself wanting to explore and understand how the world got to this place. I wasn't so fond of the weapon degradation system because I may break it in the heat of battle, and hoping that I have something capable to replace it.

I am wanting to do another play-through next year to get ready for the sequel.

Car Mechanic Simulator 2021

Over 300 hours. That is what Steam says how much time I have spent playing Car Mechanic Simulator 2021. I can't fully explain what got me to start playing this simulator - don't really want to call it a game - aside from it being on sale on Stream back in the spring. It has been something to help me unwind after a long day of work. Just something about taking apart a vehicle, fixing the various issues, and putting it back together that feels oddly fulfilling.

What If 2 by Randall Monroe

If your book cites Smooth by Santana feat. Rob Thomas to describe the temperature of Earth, you have my instant respect. I loved the first What If book, and the second continues the trend of people asking absurd questions and Monroe (creator of the fantastic XKCD cartoon) putting in the research and work to answer them. I actually started re-reading this book again towards the end of the year because I laughed so much.

God Gets A Little Busy Sometimes by Izo FitzRoy

I have a small playlist of songs that I tend to play whenever I'm in a depressive state to remind myself that it will get better in due course. The latest addition came from Izo FitzRoy in December. I can't fully explain how this song helps me out when I'm in a depressive mood, but I think the gospel undertones play a role.

Honorable Mentions: The Beatles - Get Back documentary; iPhone 14; Gran Turismo 7 for Playstation 4; modding a new Nintendo 3DS XL; Jazz FM in the U.K.; Linux Mint on a HP laptop; Mario+Rabbids - Kingdom Battle; Paramount Plus; Your Brain's Not Broken: Strategies for Navigating Your Emotions and Life with ADHD by Tamara Rosier Ph.D.

What will you be leaving behind in 2022?

The answer is the same as 2021: "I don’t know if there is anything I am leaving behind at the end of this year. Feels like I am making plans on things that I’ll be leaving next year." Hopefully, 2023 doesn't throw as many issues into this as 2022.

What do you hope to accomplish in 2023?

There are several things that I want to try and work on in the coming year. How many I can work on depends on a big elephant in the room; the day job. I'll split this up into two categories; projects I will be working on throughout the year, and projects dependent on the elephant.

Projects throughout the year:

Various electronic projects: I did some small stuff this year with various electronics such as modding a New 3DS XL to allow backs and slowly upgrading my work laptop to have a spare machine. There are some projects on the block including an iPod Classic upgrade to use a jukebox in my car and fixing up an old Dell XPS gaming computer to play older Windows games.

Clear up the auto review backlog: Having various vehicles from back in the spring needing to be written up has been nagging me throughout this year. Want to get those done and up somewhere. It would remove a big weight and allow me to start asking for media vehicles. I instituted a new rule a few years back that I cannot ask for any media vehicles until the backlog is fully completed. On one hand, this keeps me honest and not overwhelming me with more work. The downside is having a backlog that I don't touch for months.

Figure out a better way to get reviews out the door faster: Once the backlog is done, I want to figure out ways to help me get reviews out in a more timely fashion. Remembering to take notes is a difficult one, along with trying to block out some time every week to organize and start putting down thoughts.

Continue to make my apartment my own: Aside from getting various posters framed and hung, I need to work on better organizing parts of the apartment. Currently just feels like I don't have enough space and have items stacked in piles. I would love to have a bigger apartment or storage unit where I can throw various items, but that feels so far away at the moment. For now, going to make the best of what I can do.

Money Stuff: This year has been tough on my finances and I know that I can do better. Some items I have started to implement are cooking more at home, using a vacuum sealer to keep food longer, and using apps for coupons and cash back. For the new year, I'm planning to get back on an application I used before - Simplifi - to track where money is going and help me figure out where I can cut back. Also in the cards is setting up some automatic transfers to start stashing money away for items and trips I would like to do.

Projects dependent on the elephant:

Getting back to writing on a somewhat regular basis: I mentioned earlier that I really miss writing and want to get back to it. But not having the energy does put a major damper on it. For the automotive stuff, I would like to branch out and work on the history of various cars. I have a stockpile of old magazines, books, and an insatiable curiosity to explore. Now, I just need to get the energy to pull this off. Also been thinking of starting a newsletter to post various thoughts, but I don't where to even start with that.

The personal stuff is another area I want to try and tackle. Part of this is moving from Tumblr, which has been a good home for the life of the blog. But I feel having a new place to post would help increase my desire to write.

Traveling: I cannot remember the last time I went somewhere that wasn't with my parents or in the state of Michigan. I have the desire to explore and visit various parts of the U.S., along with the rest of the world. Money is a big factor in this, along with figuring out where I want to travel first.

Working towards a new car: My current Ford Fusion has a litany of issues and it causes me a fair amount of stress. Having something newer and fewer miles would help immensely.

As I sit in my old room on Christmas day working on this piece, I think how I'm at a set of crossroads wondering which road to take. 2022 has been a year where I had originally planned to make some big moves, but various monkey wrenches have put a stop to many of them. The end of the year has me feeling wanting to break out and do some new stuff. But there is another part of me that wants to take it easy and be at a place where I feel comfortable with everything around me. Seems counterintuitive, but I think it is fitting for a blog with the title of Contradictory Enigmas.

[contradictoryenigmas]

2021 Postmortem: 10 Questions

It says a lot that I find myself having to look at a calendar to remind me that I'm living in 2021, not an extension of 2020. No one can fault me though as 2021 has been a roller coaster of sorts. Feeling like we were seeing the light at the end of a long tunnel with the vaccines rolling out before being pulled back into the darkness as new variants started to come in.

I will admit that despite the various bumps and pitfalls of the past twelve months, it has also been one of the better years for me. It is time to look back at the year through the lens of ten questions.

Author’s Note: If you are new to this or want to take a look back at previous pieces, you can click on the links here: 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

What made up your body of work this year? Which parts are you most proud of?

All of my writing this year was automotive. Most were new car reviews, with the odd sprinkling of news. Getting all of these reviews out the door would prove to be a big challenge as I really didn’t get fully stuck into writing the reviews until late spring. I wound up finishing all of them during the first week of December.

Why the long stretch? It came down to me not really having any motivation. I found myself running on fumes with no idea of how I wanted the reviews to flow. Most of them fell into the “MadLibs” style where I followed a template in my head and just inserted various nouns, verbs, adjectives, etc.

Personal writing was non-existent for the year except for this piece. Like the car reviews, I didn't have any motivation or desire to write anything. It didn’t help that I was focusing on other items going on in my life that reduced the time and desire to write anything.

I’ll talk more about my day job later, but I will say one of my proudest moments was finishing up the research on a cargo van. Why? This particular van came with an order guide that was over a hundred pages, most being made up of options for the different versions available. I understand why the long list as it gives a buyer the ability to build a van to their needs. Getting all of that information researched and put into our systems took a lot of time and effort, but a great relief was felt when I committed the information to our servers.

What were your top 5 moments of the year?

Moving into my own place

Starting some sort of exercise regime

Making some progress with separating work and leisure

Finishing up a massive backlog of new car reviews

Making the last payment to clear the balance of my credit card

What are you really glad is over?

My day job for the year. It was a difficult year for all of us in the group I work in with a never-ending stream of work and projects. This would be hampered with the passing of a co-worker in early March (not due to COVID-19), which brought morale down. Then another co-worker would be promoted to a supervisory position in the fall. This meant our group was shrinking, but the workload would increase. For a few months, many of us were under a massive pile of work. Trying our best to get one thing done, only to have two or three items come in. There were days when I would get up from my desk at my apartment and go lay down for a bit to give my eyes and brain a rest. It also made me feel not as motivated to do various things such as exploring the new town I live in, writing, and others.

The good news is that the company I worked for has hired two new people to help us out in the new year. Hopefully, it will help reduce the workload and stress all of us have been carrying.

I’m also glad to be done with the apartment hunt. I started in earnest back in March after realizing I had enough saved up enough money to move forward. This would end up becoming a second job of sorts as I would look at various listings, contact a complex to see if they had any apartments available, go on a tour, and make a decision to put in an application or not. Being in the COVID-19 times, not a lot of places were doing in-person tours, instead offering virtual or solo tours. I tended to go for the solo or guided tour when available as it would give me a better idea of living in a place.

Ultimately, I found a place that I liked and applied for it back in late May. A week later, I was approved. Then started the next steps: Getting utilities set up in my name, buying various furnishings, insurance, etc. This felt even more stressful because I was worried that I forgot to do something important or a terrible event would take place. Thankfully, neither of these things happened and I found myself moved in towards the end of July.

How are you different today than you were 365 days ago?

My mental health has taken a bit of a tumble. I'm diagnosed with ADHD and Clinical Depression, and I have noticed both have been flaring up throughout the year. Whether it be losing my train of thought, having quick mood changes, falling down into a cycle of despair, or a number of other issues, it makes getting through the day that much tougher. Over the summer, I have started on some new medication to help out, but I feel like that will be changing in the new year.

One thing I have gotten really good at is investigating what made me fall into a depressive spiral. I like to imagine myself as Peter Falk playing Lt. Colombo talking with a suspect about something and then dropping the “one more thing” to find the truth. This has really helped in a year where major changes to my life have taken place.

I have also noticed that I’m not sure who I am as a person. This has been talked about in the previous 10 Question pieces, but it has become more apparent since moving out of my parent’s house. I have been drifting around wondering who this person is anymore. What I'm sure about is that a male human, and has various likes and dislikes. But everything else is either shrouded in mystery or locked away because of some event that makes me feel embarrassed. This is something I want to try and tackle in the coming year.

Is there anything you achieved that you forgot to celebrate?

Nothing that I can remember.

What have you changed your perspective on this year?

Working on trying to be more open with my mental health. Over the past year, I have started following a lot of Twitter accounts that deal with ADHD. It made me realize there are people out there who are talking about their struggles and triumphs. I’ve touched on it here and there on my Twitter account, either retweeting something from an ADHD Twitter account, or mentioning to someone if they’re struggling that I’ve been in a similar space and you will find a way through.

Who are the people that came through for you this year?

My parents and younger brother were a big help during the year. Whether it was getting various furnishings, advice, or moving all of my stuff from the house to the apartment, they came through.

My therapist has been helping me figure out how to deal with some massive changes over the years.

The various people with who I interact on Twitter. Even though I find social media to be a detriment from time to time, I found that the people who I reply to or retweet help me feel slightly less lonely.

What were some pieces of media that defined your year?

The Vanscontinental Express on The Drive: If you were to ask me what really made me do some deep thinking, I would point towards this series that appeared throughout the year on The Drive. Seeing the journey that Victoria took with her van named Marsha, but also the personal was amazing. Reading through all of the parts just made me think about what I want to do not only with my writing down the road, but also what I want to do with my life.

Depresh Mode: I was so happy to see John Moe return to podcasting after his previous show, The Hilarious World of Depression ended last year. Depresh Mode has been one of the things to comfort me throughout the year as its open discussion with comedians, musicians, and other people on depression and mental health. The show has also explored other areas such as burnout and post-COVID PTSD with experts.

Xerf Xpec: Since I have been getting into bands like Casiopea and T-Square, finding this YouTube channel has been eye-opening and delightful. Every day or so, a new jazz fusion album will be uploaded and there is such an extensive backlog of albums to pick through. I tend to pick an album at random and just have it playing in the background while doing work.

Playstation 2: Towards the end of fall, I really started to dig into collecting retro games. I've been picking up games for the XBox, 360, and Playstation 3. But most of my focus has been on the Playstation 2, where I spent a fair amount playing games as a middle and high-schooler. I picked up a PS2 back in October and have been enjoying it ever since, mostly playing games like Gran Turismo 3 and Ratchet and Clank. I'm hoping to add an XBox and a PS3 sometime next year.

Dog Named Dog by Louie Zong: I don't know why a song about Columbo's dog makes me smile, it just does.

Honorable Mentions: Zelda: Breath of the Wild; Panspermia by Casiopea 3rd; Truth by T-Square; Tacky by Rax King; Please Scream Inside Your Heart by Dave Pell; The Data Detective: Ten Easy Rules to Make Sense of Statistics by Tim Harford; Wheeler Dealers Season 1.

What will you be leaving behind in 2021?

I don't know if there is anything I am leaving behind at the end of this year. Feels like I am making plans on things that I'll be leaving next year.

What do you hope to accomplish in 2022?

Taking a vacation: I cannot remember the last time I actually took a vacation by myself. Maybe close to a decade? I was planning on doing it this year, but work and COVID concerns put a stop to this. For now, I'm planning on traveling to the northwest side of Michigan. I would like to go to places like Washington, California, New Mexico, Texas, etc. However, I don't quite have enough money to pull this off yet.

Get back to writing: I realized towards the end of the year that I was really missing writing. Not just car stuff, but also personal stories. Some of this was inspired by Victoria who wrote the Vanscontinental Express series. I want to get back with the basics as I think this will help rejuvenate my writer's brain that has been dormant throughout the year. There are some ideas as to how I want to do automotive writing in the new year to help combat the Mad-Libs style that has been my go-to for the year.

Continue working on making my apartment feel like my own: I have some various pieces of art that I want to get framed and hung on the walls, along with other touches just to make the apartment feel like my own.

2021 was a year of changes for me, and I see 2022 being the same. The elephant in the room of course is COVID-19. How do I keep this small amount of momentum going while trying to stay safe to the best of my ability? Well, this tweet from December from someone I follow has the answer.

That's what I'll be trying to aim for as I enter 2022.

[contradictoryenigmas]

2020 Postmortem: 10 Questions

2020. A year that did not go as planned. Okay, I am massively downplaying just what a complete shitshow it was. The best way I can describe is that episode of Seinfeld where George declares it to be the "Summer of George", only to have him in a hospital bed towards the end, disappointed that it didn't work out.

When I started writing this year's 10 questions piece, I wasn't sure how it would form considering most of the year was spent at home, trying to survive. But the result is the longest 10 questions to date. Guess I had a lot to get out there.

Author's Note: If you are new to this or want to take a look back at previous pieces, you can click on the links here: 2017, 2018, and 2019.

What made up your body of work this year? Which parts are you most proud of?

I should start with one of the major elephants in the room. Since March 12th, I have been working from home. The day before, all of us at work got an email from the home office in the United Kingdom saying the offices there and in the U.S. would be closed for a time to protect employees from the growing spread of COVID-19.  Many of us thought we would be back in the office in a month or so. Oh boy, how wrong we were considering later that day, news would come out that Tom Hanks and his wife contracted the virus and the NBA would suspend their season after a player tested positive.

Not being in an office has some significant downsides for me. For one, it was the place where I interacted with people outside of close family. Now, the only real interaction I do with co-workers is either over email or Microsoft Teams, mostly dealing with work stuff. I worry this long period of isolation will hurt my social abilities, which to be fair were at negative levels when I had started this job last year, but were improving. The other is losing the separation between work and home. Since coming home and spending time in my room as an office and place to rest, my anxiety and feelings that I should be working started to come in. Some of this was alleviated by me setting some ground rules such as having a hard stop. But those feelings are still there and likely hampered efforts to try and relax.

Most of my work for the year was spent on three big projects that would set the course for the future of the company. Having this on the back of my shoulders added a bit of anxiety and drained me of a lot of energy. Every day, I found myself crashing in bed to take a quick nap so I could regain some energy.

That brings me to writing. 2020 I was hoping to get back to writing in a big way. Not only with automotive stuff, but doing some more with this blog and launching a new project. But with everything that has been going on this year, a lot of these ambitions had to be shelved. A lot of this stems from not having any energy or motivation to either start and/or finish various pieces. There would be moments where a burst of energy comes on and could I belt out a quick review or news story, but it was rare. At the end of this year, I have a bit of a backlog of new car reviews to get up. But at least I'm not pushing myself to the grindstone and getting them out. This only results in shoddy work and I feel quite bad.

For the personal blog, this is going to be the first and last piece for the year. It wasn't for the lack of trying. Several pieces currently sit on my laptop that are in varying states of completion, but again, I lacked the energy or motivation to go forward.

There are a couple of pieces I want to call out,

Afterthoughts: A Car In Troubled Times: This was written after my Grandfather passed away in June (not from COVID). With this and everything going on in the world, I wrote about how the car became a place where I could escape the world for a bit and work out various thoughts and feelings.

Quick Drive: 2020 Lexus RC F: My last new car review of the year and man what a car. I loved the throaty V8 engine and the grand touring nature of the suspension. I think the last line sums up my feelings about this car,

"It brought me the joy which sometimes is all you need a car to do."

What were your top 5 moments of the year?

Getting back to reviewing vehicles on a somewhat regular basis

Saving enough money to move forward on finding my first apartment

I know that's only two, but I really can't think of anything else from this landfill fire of a year.

What are you really glad is over?

THE YEAR!  (cymbal crash)

Okay, that was obvious, so let go a bit deeper.

The mess of the 2020 elections are mercifully done. A lot of us knew this was going to be very different, but I don't think we knew how much it would be. Just look at the first debate between Joe Biden and Donald Trump. Then election day rolls around and seeing the collective sadness rear its head as the first ballots are being counted, even though we knew that the mail-in ones were still waiting in the wings to be tallied. It took a few days, but the sense of jubilation when the results were leaning towards Biden was not all that surprising, considering the mess of the past four years. Whether or not this gets better remains to be seen.

How are you different today than you were 365 days ago?

I touched on this with the first question, but loneliness has been a big issue. Not being able to interact with people outside of my own family has brought back memories of some of the dark days of depression where I wouldn't talk with anyone. Thankfully, I'm not fully returning to these ways. But I can't help but worry that my socials skills will be back at a negative level. Twitter and Instagram have filled in some of the missing social aspects, but I can only use it so much before feelings of "Fear of Missing Out" and not being able to interact in person. Also, the deluge of various events such as the killing of George Floyd and the election meant I had to turn off social media at times to allow time to process and work out various feelings.

My mental health has also taken a bit of a stumble. Various aspects of my ADHD have started to come back in force with procrastination, distractions, fear of rejection, and warped perception of time to name a few. There has also been a large amount of stress and anxiety to work through because of the year. I think it's a bad sign when your anxieties have their anxieties to deal with.

To top it off, it has been hard to find something to keep my mind occupied for longer than five minutes. I look at the number of books and video games currently sitting on shelves or stacked in the closet waiting to be open, or the various movies and TV shows I have in queues for various streaming services and my own media server. Yet, they are left untouched. I drift towards scrolling through various social media outlets or watching the same YouTube videos. I've been trying to figure out why these are my go-to and not the items listed above that would give the same pleasure and stimulation, but also open some new windows and ideas. I haven't fully figured it out yet, but I do have some clues and ideas as to why.

On the flip side, I'm very lucky that I am still employed. That may seem like a put-down, but out of my close family, I'm the only one who has stayed employed throughout the year. My mom's last day of school was the day I started working from home, and she wouldn't return until the start of the new year. Both my dad and brother had furloughs at their respective jobs during the late Spring.

I have been slowly messing around with some projects that I've been wanting to do. These include expanding my media sever collection to include music, cataloging various media so I stop buying duplicates,  and starting to explore various interests that I had when I younger.

Getting back to reviewing new cars has been quite enjoyable. Despite having a backlog that will not be finished till sometime in February or March, it has been fun again to figure out a vehicle's high and low points.

Is there anything you achieved that you forgot to celebrate?

Nope.

What have you changed your perspective on this year?

Two things come to mind. First is that I don't need a firehose of information. I was subscribed to several sites through RSS and had many people I was following on Twitter to see what was happening. But this massive flow of information was only making my anxiety and stress worse. For the past month, I have started to unsubscribe to a number of newsletters and RSS feeds, along with culling down my Twitter following list.

Second is that I need to slow down. What I mean by this is I need to take my time and not focus on trying to finish everything as fast as possible so I move on to the next thing. There is something about taking a moment to breathe or letting things play out to a point to where you can jump in and provide a different point of view.

Who are the people that came through for you this year?

My therapist came through this year, transitioning from in-person visits to doing chats either through Zoom or on the phone - depending on whether or not either of us run into technical issues. They have been really helpful just listening to whatever was on my mind that week, and point out possible thoughts and directions to chew on to get me into a better place.

There is also a large number of people I interacted with that made the lockdown and isolation a little bit more bearable. Too many to list here, but I would like to say thank you to all.

What were some pieces of media that defined your year?

Casiopea, Mint Jams: There is a person who I follow on Twitter that brings up Casiopea from time to time. This Japanese jazz fusion band has been around since 1976 and produced a number of albums. I had them in the back of my mind for a time to check, but wasn't until the fall when I started listening to Mint Jams - their seventh album (and I believe second live album). I immediately fell in love with the band after hearing the first track Take Me. Something about this brings absolute joy and pleasure. Since then, I have bought the CD and started to dive fully into the discography.

Yakuza Like A Dragon (Playstation 4): I don't know how to describe a game where one minute you're beating up criminals and the next minute you're trying to figure out who is urinating in a river. It seems ridiculous, but that's Yakuza Like a Dragon in a nutshell. There are moments of complete absurdity that is intertwined with tender and heartfelt moments as you interact with your compatriots. I'm currently on chapter five and finding new stuff to do such as a Mario Kart knockoff and running my own business, while trying to figure why I was betrayed by a father figure. It's chaotic and beautiful at the same time.

Zero 7, Simple Things: This album was the one I would play if I was feeling down or needed a reminder to slow down.

Growing Collection of Face Masks: If I am going to wear face masks to protect myself and others, I might as well have some interesting ones. Currently have around twenty masks that I wear and wash, all of them with some distinct pattern or fabric to have them stand out. I'm likely going to be buying a few more in the new year because I'm really like wearing them.

Honorable Mentions: Ghost of Tsushima; Animal Crossing: New Horizons; Paper Mario: The Origami King; Tatort - German Crime Drama; Motorweek's Retro Reviews on YouTube; Newton and the Counterfeiter by Thomas Levenson;  x + y: A Mathematician's Manifesto for Rethinking Gender by Eugenia Cheng (currently reading, may appear in my 2021 10 Questions).

What will you be leaving behind in 2020?

This one hurts but it is the "old normal". I remember listening to a podcast about a couple of months after starting working from home and one of the hosts brought up that the old normal isn't coming back. We need to take time and mourn the loss. I didn't know what to make of this at the time, but it really started to sink in as this mess slowly continued throughout the year.

Think about how much has changed in your day to day routine. For example, I don't leave the house unless I really need to get something from the grocery store, taking the dog for a walk, or going for a drive to clear my head. A lot of places I would have normally gone are either only allowing pickup or closed down. I haven't seen anyone outside my family since March and have seen only a couple of relatives since then.

No one knows what comes after the virus is at a state where all of us can resume some sort of 'normal'. Will our favorite places still be around? Is virtual learning going to be the next step for schools? Are we going to watching new movies over streaming services and not at a theater? Will online shopping take over as the main source of getting goods?

There's a lot of unknowns that will not have an answer for quite some time. But I have started to mourn that the old normal is gone. As much I hate it and don't know what's next, I know that I have to ready myself in some fashion.

What do you hope to accomplish in 2021?

Unfortunately, a lot of the stuff I want to work on in the coming year depends on what happens with the rollout of the vaccine and containing the virus. There are a few things I have marked as priorities.

Moving into my first place: So I never have talked about this publicly except to a few close people, but I'm really looking forward to moving out and into an apartment. Originally I was planning to do it this year, but then everything came to a screeching halt. This proved to be a blessing in disguise as I was able to save a bit more money so that I had two months of rent and the security deposit. I have a few places in mind and the goal is to move in before the end of March. That will give me enough time to figure out several items such as insurance.

Writing: I feel like this is something I mention every year. Some progress is made, but not as much as I would like. This past year, I was hoping to branch out by doing more with this blog and starting a couple of projects that had been sitting around for a while. But none of those things happened. Next year, I have some maintenance items to do for the personal blog. I don't know if I'll have anything worth writing about at the moment since my brain is currently recovering from a pile of mush. As for the projects, I'm hoping to launch one sometime in the next few months. The other is going to sit on the sidelines still as I still need to work out some items with that.

Keeping Records: I always think that I remember 'x' and I don't need to write anything down about it, and it turns out I do forget. Yeah, I'm wanting to change that for this coming year. Primarily, I'm doing this for any vehicle I review because it might be months before I start writing, and have forgotten key parts I wanted to mention. This is also something I want to do with books, video games, and music as a way to remember what I enjoyed throughout a given year.

It would be at this point I would end this postmortem with some pithy note about 2020 getting kicked out and 2021 hopefully being a massive improvement. Except that feels quite insincere. We have various vaccines rolling out, but it remains a massive question as to how fast and whether or not enough people take it. There's also the toll on mental health that is only going to get larger not only from those working in hospitals but in other fields. I could go on with other items, but you get a general idea.

[contradictoryenigmas]

2019 Postmortem: 10 Questions

2019 is coming to a close and it’s time to look back via ten questions. If you’re new to this series, I recommend checking out the ones I did in 2017 and 2018. While 2019 had its ups and downs, this was the first year where I can say it worked out quite well.

What made up your body of work this year? Which parts are you most proud of?

Most of the work that made up this year was with my new day job as a car specifications researcher. You may think that researching car specs would be easy, but I wasn’t fully prepared for how in-depth it would go. For example, I have to look up both the liters and cc’s of an engine to input into the system. Nevertheless, a lot of knowledge I had from writing reviews and previews has come in handy when trying to decipher what a company names a certain piece of tech or figuring out where to find that one piece of information.

As for my writing, I haven’t done much. Towards the end of last year and beginning of this year, I was feeling less enthusiastic about writing anything - feeling like I was phoning it in to get something up. When I started my new job back in mid-February, I took a break to try and give my brain a break from it. I have slowly dipped my toes back in it during the spring and summer, but started to do more towards the end of the year - a combination of writing for an internal news service my company offers and finishing a backlog of reviews. Writing is still a bit of struggle as my creative side of the brain is still running on fumes and I only get about a quarter to half-way on a piece before setting it aside, most likely not coming back to it.

There were a couple of pieces that did make their way out over the year and I’m quite proud of them.

Afterthoughts: The Sad Trombone of the 2019 Detroit Auto Show (Cheers & Gears): Some passing thoughts on what would be the final Detroit Auto Show held in January. It would be memorable for all of the wrong reasons and made me wonder what the future will hold as the show moves to the summer for 2020.

Three Years On, A Brain Dump (Contradictory Enigmas): Looking back at three years of this site, what has come, and what I had hoped to do in the coming year - sadly none of those items came to fruition.

What were your top 5 moments of the year?

Finally achieving a major goal of getting a job

Turing 30 years old

Beginning to make some progress on other major goals

Reducing my hermit tendencies and going to a small number of events

Continue working on giving me more space to relax

What are you really glad is over?

Uncertainty reared its ugly head again throughout the year. It ranged from whether I was the right person for the new job I had accepted to worrying about whether or not I would have enough money to cover unexpected expenses. Luckily, I remembered that if I took it slow and worked it out - whether through thought or writing it down - the uncertainty would begin to wither away.

How are you different today than you were 365 days ago?

The most difficult part of this year is trying not to feel like I need to constantly work. Being a full-time freelance writer for the past seven years left me with a routine of constantly being busy to try and keep myself afloat. Drew Magary on Vice sums it up quite well.

When you freelance, you know that every job is temporary. You might get paid well, but you can’t assume that will always be the case. I remember being pathologically incapable of turning down work when I freelanced. Every assignment I didn’t do was money lost. I felt as if I already HAD the money and was giving it away by not doing the work.

That meant I gleefully accepted multiple gigs at once, and on weekends, and over holidays. I can’t speak for other freelancers out there, but a kind of PTSD sets in if you do this long enough, where you always fear the faucet will be shut off with a cursory email from a temp boss or, worse, no emails of any sort. There’s such a short distance between “I freelance” and “I’m unemployed” that the two statements often feel indistinguishable.

Emphasis mine.

This feeling still resides in my head and constantly tells me that I should be doing some sort of work, even though I know that giving myself some breathing space is good. This wasn’t helped by my growing amount of work throughout the year as new hires that were brought in around the same time as me either decided to go with another career or were let go. Getting some of their workloads on top of mine meant the feeling of “when will I find the time” started to creep in. Only setting some ground rules did this alleviate this feeling somewhat. I’m hoping this feeling goes away as time goes on.

I mentioned last year that I was re-diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). At the time, I was seeing a psychiatrist and was on medication to help me control some of the various issues I’ve been dealing with. But a combination of the new job, not having the time to make the hour-long trek to see the psychiatrist, and the expensive cost of the medication meant I had to put a stop to this for the time being. This has meant a return of the various symptoms (being able to focus on one task, having my mind wander, forgetting various things, etc). It has also meant that it is hard for me to relax with anything for a few moments because it doesn’t provide my brain enough stimuli to keep me occupied. Oddly, doing work of some sort seems to provide stimuli. But it comes at the cost of me not being to relax.

Pic Credit: Pina ADHD_Alien

On the plus side, starting this new job has brought something that I wanted for some time - separate spaces. What I mean by this is having one space for my work (the office) and then another to relax (the house). Previously, I would be working on stuff in the same room where I would sleep, causing all sorts of anxiety and feelings that I should be working on. Having that separation allows me some breathing space, despite that being somewhat difficult.

It’s also nice having a steady income and not one that is a roller coaster of sorts. Various amounts of money coming in at different times gave me a lot of stress. Moving to something that follows a regular pattern not only gives me a bit of breathing room for anything unexpected but also allows me to plan out new ideas and trips,

To cap off this section, I’m glad that I’m still involved in covering the automotive industry. I have dialed it back by a large amount, but I think this may be for the better as it means I can take more time and produce higher-quality pieces.

Is there anything you achieved that you forgot to celebrate?

Nothing that I can think of.

What have you changed your perspective on this year?

Talking about my mental health in public. I’ve been slowly talking about how I have both ADHD and clinical depression on various forums after seeing a number for friends and people who admire talk about it. I’m still in a grey area of how much I should reveal and whether it is worth it. I can see there is a lot of good as you see other people come out of the woodwork and reveal some of the issues they’re dealing with. But some don’t believe mental illness is a thing or will go out of their way to make it worse. This is a balancing act that I’m trying to figure out.

Who are the people that really came through for you this year?  

A lot of the people that I work with at my job. Whether it be the various supervisors that would take time to answer a question I’m sure they have been asked countless times, to the other researchers who I might help with a quick issue or chit-chat about whatever, they have all played a part in making me feel welcomed.

What were some pieces of media that defined your year?

The Heavy, Sons: It has been a long time coming for the group’s latest album and it is very much worth it. All of the traits that I like about their previous albums such as the gritty sound and soulful lyrics are present. Heavy for You, their first single off this album has been on constant repeat.

Choom, Progger: I can’t explain why this dark jazz-funk-rock hybrid song just clicked with me. Maybe its how all of the instruments are arranged to provide a dark mood in one part, and then rise with something lighter later on. All I know is this song helped out in some bleak times during this year.

Nintendo Switch: An early Christmas gift to myself, I’m surprised at how much I have been playing. It is cool to play something on the TV and then undock it to continue playing while on the move. This has captured the magic and fun that I had been missing on playing video games throughout the year. So far, I have beaten Super Mario Odyssey and will be checking out Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening.

What will you be leaving behind in 2019?

The feelings of not being able to fully plan out stuff. Since starting the new job, I have been able to make slightly more concrete plans to ideas or items that I want to do soon. Some of these have come fruition, while others are still in the planning stages. This may not seem like a big accomplishment, but considering that the past few years where it mostly treading water and putting off various items because of one thing or another, it is a huge weight off my back.

What do you hope to accomplish in 2020?

There are two items that I want to work on writing and photography. I’ve been feeling either drained or hit a wall in terms of knowledge and want to expand it more.

For my writing, I want to try and recapture some of the fun and creativeness that I had when I first started many moons ago. I have some books including The Writer’s Way that has been recommended by a few people to help rekindle this. I’m also wanting to do other writings such as doing some history pieces, and more stuff on this blog. But of course, trying to find the time to do this will be one of the challenges.

As for the photography, I’m planning on doing some sort of online course and some reading to help me understand basic photography ideas, along with exploring various settings on my DSLR. I tend to shoot mostly in Auto without the flash and while it does deliver decent photos, I know that it is capable of more. I’m also wanting a new camera, a prosumer point-and-shoot to expand the possibility of taking more photos.

There are some long-term goals sprinkled in here such as working towards moving out of my parent’s house into my place. I have started saving up a fair amount of cash to cover a security deposit and a month’s rent, but I’m trying to aim for at least two to three months of rent to give a bit of a cushion. Also taking some sort of vacation is in the cards. Not sure where I want to go, but I do know it will be out of state.

That’s a wrap for this year’s postmortem. 2019 wasn’t a complete mess and hoping 2020 continues that trend.

[contradictoryenigmas]

On Davey

Yesterday, the Calaveras County authorities have recovered the body of automotive writer Davey G. Johnson who had been missing for a couple of weeks in California wilderness. It brings closure to a number of us in the automotive media space who have been keeping him in our thoughts.

The piece you are about to read was something I wrote on my Facebook Monday night when news came out that the authorities were reducing their search efforts, leading many to believe that he was gone. This is coming from the perspective of someone who never met Davey, yet was impacted in various ways with his writing.

I would like to extend my condolences to Davey’s friends, family, and colleagues.

It was the news that many of us were hoping wouldn't come to fruition, but the search for automotive writer Davey G. Johnson has to come a close. He had been missing for more than a week in the California wilderness.

This feels odd to be writing about since I never met Davey, let alone interact with him in some form. Yet, I feel quite sad knowing that I will never have that chance. It feels odd to have these feelings and thoughts about someone who you never have met - I'm sure there is a word or phrase that describes this.

But someone pointed out that those who write about vehicles are part of a small and exclusive group. We range from those who do it on the side and somehow still shocked that we're allowed to drive a vehicle from a manufacturer, to those who are able to make a living.

This group of people is kind of like high school with different cliques, a fair amount of drama and gossip; and that feeling of why you're here in the first place. But being in this group does give you some amazing opportunities and chance to meet interesting characters like Davey.

Since the news of his disappearance came out, this community has come out strong with spreading the news, raising money to help in the search efforts, and trying to keep this person in our thoughts by posting stories.

I do have a story that relates to Davey. Around this time last year, I lost my Uncle Jim to cancer. It was a difficult time for me as I was dealing with personal issues and having this added only made things bleaker. During the visitation, I stepped out a few moments and pulled my phone out. There is a list of quotes I keep on there that I look at from time to time to provide some light. One of these quotes is this,

"But permanence of any sort is a mere illusion; such are the fickle shifts of the universe. We get a finite, uncertain shot in life, and if we’re gifted and lucky, we’ll inspire a few people along the way."

That was Davey on the passing of Brock Yates back in 2016. I used that quote when I talked about my uncle's passing last year because it beautifully summed up the type of person he was, and someone I hope that I can strive towards.

I don't know what or how Davey would react if someone to tell him this story.

I do think this does show that sometimes, a stranger or someone you barely know can leave a big impact.

Sorry for the long post, but I felt I needed to get this all out. Having this sit in the back of my head for the past couple of weeks, along with hoping for a safe return does drain you.

May you rest in peace Davey.

Image Source: Abigail Bassett on Instagram

[contradictoryenigmas]

Three Years On, A Brain Dump

I find it quite hard to believe that Contradictory Enigmas has been around for three years. (Thanks Tumblr for the email!) Considering past attempts have only lasted up to a year before biting the dust, I feel that a celebration is in order.

The original goal for this site was to set expectations quite low. Start with the basics in terms of the platform and design, set a goal of trying to post some of my writings throughout the year, and see where it would take me. The amount of posts has varied from a steady stream to an empty wasteland with maybe a post going up a few months at a time. When I was working on my last post towards, I was amazed that this site was still standing.

How do I mark three years? It was time to pull back the curtain somewhat and talk about what has been going on since the last post, and talk somewhat what’s in store for the future.

What has been happening?

In my year-end piece, I mentioned that I had been applying to various jobs with mixed results. It would be great if I could get someone to reach out to me. Before the post went live, I got a note asking if I could come in for an interview. It took place a week before Christmas and lasted around two hours. Different people came in and out, with their various questions. A follow-up interview would take place a few days into the new year with another.

After those interviews, I tried to keep myself occupied with other tasks. But thoughts would swirl around: Did I get the job? Had I done enough? This did become quite distracting and made it hard to focus on a number of things such as work and applying for other positions. It wasn’t until January that I had gotten the news - I had been picked. To say I was stunned would be a massive understatement as I almost dropped my phone after being told.

Taking on this new job has caused me to not have as much time to do any sort of writing for the past few months. In a way, this has proven to be a blessing in disguise, allowing me to have some time to recharge. As I have talked about previously, my writing has been going downward. I felt it was lack some creativity - feeling more like a Mad Libs. Plus, there were more and more errors popping up. Things I could have caught previously were somehow making it through.

This break has given the chance to give my brain time to recharge and possibly brainstorm new ideas. Within the past couple of weeks, I have started to get back writing somewhat regularly with the odd news story and new car review on the freelancing side. This piece is the first personal piece I have finished writing in quite some time. Others are in various states of completeness.

What do you have planned for this year?

In the short-term, I want to try an get back on a monthly schedule here. It won’t be anything in-depth or too personal as I’m trying to get back on a routine. One idea that has been floating around is talking about my media diet. It would similar to what Jason Kottke does on his blog where he briefly talks about "some things I’ve read, seen, heard, and experienced" in a given time frame. For me, it would focus on music, video games, books, and YouTube videos. I'm also hoping to use this as a way to try and get me working on the growing backlogs of movies and TV shows.

Down the road, I am thinking about stepping away from Tumblr to something else. While it has been a good starting point and has served me well for the three years, various issues such as trying to embed videos and Spotify playlists is making me consider alternatives. Whether that be WordPress, SquareSpace, or something else remains to be seen.

Happy three years Contradictory Enigmas. Let us see if we can make it another year.

[contradictoryenigmas]

2018 Postmortem: 10 Questions

Hi there. It has been quite a while since I last wrote anything on Contradictory Enigmas.

*Looks at Tumblr dashboard, sees it has been over five months.*

Yeah. I would like to say the lack of posts is due to me being busy with life and moving on up. But it turned out that 2018 would be slightly worse than 2017. I’m not going to fully dive into the reasons why, but let’s just say that uncertainty played a huge role during the year. Still, I wouldn’t say that the year turned out to be a complete trash fire. I had to do some deep looking and thinking to find the bright spots, but they were there.

To cap off the year here on the blog, I’m going to revisit an exercise that I did last year: Looking through the past year through the lens of ten questions. You can check out the one I did for 2017 here.

What made up your body of work this year? Which parts are you most proud of?

The majority of my work on the freelancing side of the fence was mostly news and new car reviews/previews. I didn’t write much in terms of feature and opinion pieces as I was lacking the creative urge and energy. Looking at my list of ideas and drafts on my computer, most were either blank with the title or had something written before running out of steam.

There was one piece that did make it out of this drought. Last month, I published a piece talking about how I drove a 707 horsepower Grand Cherokee Trackhawk somewhat efficiently. It was something that I hadn’t done in quite a while; taking a vehicle out of its element and see how it would fare.

Here on Contradictory Enigmas, there are a few pieces that I’m quite proud that I was able to get out.

Barnes & Noble Pre-Postmortem allow me to look at a place that I enjoy shopping. Seeing the local store in the somewhat poor state when I wrote the piece in late winter was quite depressing. It has been slowly getting slightly better, but there are still various issues with the main office. This is a topic I would like to revisit in the coming year.

#QuitFacebook allowed me to put on my devil’s advocate hat on and consider a different angle on the mess that erupted in the spring. The piece really helped begin the process of stepping away from the platform.

I got to talk about my weird fascination with watching old Weather Channel clips on YouTube. It was surprising how much of a retro trip this was as I told the story of how I used to watch it while sitting in the back bedroom of my Grandmother’s house. I still do watch those old clips from time to time or put it on in the background to provide some ambient noise.

Dealing with a World on Fire is a piece I look at time and time again. It is a reminder to me that it is ok to step away from the world at large and take care of yourself - something I have been a doing a lot since the summer.

What were your top 5 moments of the year?

This is the hardest question for me to answer this year as at first glance, there wasn’t much that I would be considering being a *Top Five* moment. But doing some deep thinking brought forth some.

Finally finding and seeing a psychiatrist

Going out to various dinners to try new foods

Being invited to two automotive press events towards the end of year

Publishing some blog pieces that started from a writing journal

Working to give me more space to relax

What are you really glad is over?

Aside from 2018 in general? I know I said that last year, but I feel that it still stands.

As I mentioned in the beginning, uncertainty played a huge role. It felt like I was getting all of these various issues with work, money, health issues, and life beginning to stack up like a Jenga tower. I kept waiting for the one piece to cause the tower to topple over. But somehow, this tower somehow stood tall.

As the year is coming to a close, the uncertainty I’m been dealing with has come down a fair amount. Not to point where I can put it behind, but at least it isn’t front and center like it was for the majority of the year

How are you different today than you were 365 days ago?

Like last year, it is a mix of good and bad.

On the bad, I wasn't able to accomplish many of the goals I had set out to do. I wasn't trying to accomplish anything big or impossible*. Many of the goals were small such as trying to mediate, eating slightly better, getting out of the house more, etc. But various factors that were out of my control would conspire and cause me not to accomplish many of these things.

It has also been tough to sit down and actually watch a movie/TV show. I can't remember the last time I was able to relax and focus on something that wasn't on YouTube. Nothing against YouTube, but I've been trying to figure out why it was possible for me to binge through a number of videos, but cannot do the same with Netflix or what I have on my media server.

For the good, I have been re-diagnosed** with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). That may seem a bit strange, but it helps explains some of the issues I have been dealing with such as not being able to focus on one task, having my mind wander, forgetting various things - the list goes on. I've started to see a psychiatrist and been put on some medication to help me get various aspects under control.

Another good point is how much I have been trying to push myself out of my comfort zone. I have been trying to say yes to doing more events. Recently, I went to a special dinner with my parents that featured a fusion of Chinese and Vietnamese cuisine. The food was amazing and I was shocked by how much I enjoyed. Calling myself a picky eater is an understatement and something I've been trying to work towards over the year.

Is there anything you achieved that you forgot to celebrate?

Somehow I was able to keep applying to jobs. Doing this is very stressful because you don't know if you will hear anything; begin second-guessing whether or not everything is just right; wonder whether if its worth the time and effort being put in, and dealing with rejection. That's before the madness of the interview process.

I made a lot of progress in how I write my resume and cover letters; expanded my searches, and become somewhat decent in interviews. Hopefully, this pays off in 2019.

What have you changed your perspective on this year?

That it is ok to let things go. Whether it be ideas for possible stories, a book that I’m not enjoying, or someone on social media that is annoying me, you can put them off to the side to either revisit another or just put down and walk away. This has been tough as I’m one of those people who tries to see things through the end, which can result in something in disappointment. But I’m slowly making progress on this.

Who are the people that really came through for you this year?    

My therapist has been a big help throughout the year. Without her encouragement, I wouldn’t have gone out and get psych evaluation to determine whether or not I had ADHD. This has also been the place where I have I spilled my guts on various thoughts and events that have happened. Seeing her helps me get a better understanding of myself.

The other people are some close friends that I try to talk on the phone every month or so. One of the downsides of working at home is the lack of interaction with other people. I wish I could get out more, but various issues and other stuff prevent me. The calls with the small group of people help me feel somewhat connected to the world

What were some pieces of media that defined your year?

Ni No Kuni 2: I spent so much time playing this RPG, over 80 hours during the fall. Everything about this game from the story, characters, and music just clicked with me. The Studio Ghibli art style really makes the game stand out. I cannot wait to dive back in once the DLC comes out and sink more time into it.

The Nakano Thrift Shop by Hiromi Kawakami: Delving into the lives of workers in a thrift shop may not seem like a good starting place for a book. But Kawakami makes the characters from the store owner that is reflective and philosophical about the about the world to the clerk who is just trying to figure out who she is. Reading through this book, I felt like I could sit down and enjoy the conversation going on while looking at the various goods.

Hammer Head: The Making of Carpenter by Nina MacLaughlin: This book made me want to get out and build/fix something because of the pleasure of doing something physical. Being able to see something to come life before your eyes that you created.

What will you be leaving behind in 2018?

Trying to feel responsible for everything. This has been brought to the light by all of the various uncertainties that 2018 has decided to drop on my head. I know that my personality likes to have control and know what is happening to give me some ease, but life doesn’t work like that. I’m slowly accepting that a lot of things are just out of my hands and it is ok.

What do you hope to accomplish in 2019?

My focus for the beginning of the year is to get myself back on track and get things in order. This includes some financial, health and personal stuff. Once I reach a point that I feel everything in order, then I will return to something that I mentioned last year.

The big goal for 2018 is figuring out who the hell I am.  In 2016, I felt that I lost the knowledge of who I was. Sure I am a human who is in their late 20s and writes about the auto industry and other bits. But other than those pieces, everything else about myself seemed to fade into black.

This past year has seen me pick up the various bits and pieces of myself in an effort to figure out who I am. It’s a complicated puzzle where I have some of the pieces and trying to piece them together. There are a number of pieces that are missing - they could be somewhere else waiting to be unearthed or have faded away.

Next year is where I begin to put the puzzle together by working with the pieces that I have and also creating new ones to help fill in the gaps. I know that I will never be able to complete the puzzle, but I want to feel like that I have made some significant process, not starting at a giant pile and wondering what should I do.

It is a very ambitious goal, but my plan is to break this up into small pieces. Trying new hobbies, getting out of the house more, putting myself in somewhat uncomfortable situations where I have an easy way out, etc.

That’s my 2018 in a nutshell. A bit of bad, but there were some good parts.

*You can make the reasonable argument that trying to figure out who I am was a bit ambitious for 2018. My plan at the time was to do various small things over the course of the year that would build up towards the overall goal. **Re-diagnosed? Yes. I was originally diagnosed with ADHD when I was about three to four years old.

[contradictoryenigmas]

Dealing With A World On Fire

I never thought I would be happy to see a month come to a close, but June proved me wrong.

The past month brought forth an endless stream of news that was depressing, disturbing, and disheartening. You had to assume the brace position because there was a high chance of something terrible popping up. The world it felt like was entering this black hole of miserableness.

June was a rough month for me. The beginning saw a family member pass away due to complications from cancer. Trying to find the space and time for grieving was difficult as I already enough items on my mind from the previous month that I was trying to deal with (or push back to deal later). Somehow I was able to find some time and begin the process. There were other things that popped up from the month - work and personal - that were pulling me down. Add to this with what is going on in the world and it is not surprising that I have been feeling very down.

If there is a trend I have been noticing throughout the past month, it’s how many people are talking about how you take a break from this endless cycle of terribleness by stepping away and taking some time for yourself. There are some reasons for this,

Gives your mind a break from everything happening in the world.

Allows time to recharge, reflect, and plan what to do next.

But I have been finding this to be difficult. I’ve been struggling with trying to stop myself from constantly working.  A lot of it I assume comes down to me seeing work as a way to escape the world. But that’s a very warped view as a certain amount of automotive news (what I cover) is becoming very political - talk on tariffs and fuel economy. I try to avoid making a story politicized, but that is quite hard to do some days.

It doesn’t help that where I do most of my work in the same room where I sleep. Anyone who works from home will tell you this is a big no-no because you feel like you should continue to work. Separation is what need and desire, but unfortunately, I don’t have the space to create this. My room is the only place where I enough space for my work stuff. Possibly down the road, I will be able to achieve this dream.

Aside from this, I also have the issue of what to do. There are a lot of projects and activities I would like to do or just try, But a fair number of them are on hold due to various complications - not having enough time, feeling in the mood, etc. A perfect example is whenever I try to sit down and watch a movie or TV show. I find it so hard to pay attention to whatever is playing that it takes me quite awhile to finish anything. For example, a two-hour movie can take me a half day to finish since I got distracted or find something else.

There are some activities that I have been able to enjoy some solace from the world. I have been reading a fair amount, going for walks, and watching old Weather Channel clips on YouTube*. But the thing that has provided the solace has been video games. I’ve been spending way too much time on my PS4 playing through a fair number of RPGs. Somehow, being able to focus all my attention on playing something helps me fully escape the world. I can play for a number of hours and it only feels like that a half-hour or so has passed.

If there is any moral to this piece, it would be this. The world is currently on fire and there doesn’t seem to be an end to it. It is easy to fall into a spiral and feel like nothing will change. That’s your sign that you need to step back from the world; turn off the news and social media, and find something that will occupy the space. It may take you awhile to find that thing if you’re dealing with various constraints. But once you find it and take time out, it does allow time to clear and recharge.

When you do decide to return to the real world, it doesn’t look as hopeless as you once thought.

This piece was sparked by this Twitter thread. *I’m not kidding about watching old Weather Channel clips.

[contradictoryenigmas]

This Old Weather Channel

A few weeks back, someone on Twitter posted a link to an interesting Twitch stream. It’s a recreation of The Weather Channel’s Local Forecast segment from the early 90s complete with exact graphics and the cheesy easy listening music. This brought back so many memories for me as I watched a lot of The Weather Channel when I was young.

This channel was interesting as featured a variety of maps with different symbols that would appear on screen: High and low pressure, various shades of green showing precipitation, and blocks of red for thunderstorms. What intrigued me the most was when the meteorologist would bring up the radar and there would be rain or snow moving across the map. It may not be the in-depth street-level view that we have today, but being able to show a map that is able to zoom into various regions was quite impressive for the time. 

I preferred to watch The Weather Channel whenever I was visiting either of my grandparents for a key reason. Whenever the Local Weather segment would come on, their cable provider had the newer graphics interface with bright colors and doppler radar. The cable provider at my house had the older version which looked like something from MS-DOS. One item that was consistent was the easy listening music. To say it was cheesy at times would be understating it. But it made you relax and pay closer attention to what was being shown.

The Weather Channel really came into its own during hurricane season as they would provide ‘Tropical Updates’ every hour talking about the various storms developing from depression to hurricanes with possible routes and landfall. As a storm would get closer, the channel would give it more time with constant updates and a reporter on the scene providing key details. 

But like a lot of things in life, changes happen and The Weather Channel is no different.  During the mid to late-oughts, changes were made to the programming where more documentary and reality shows would begin entering the schedule. Then in 2008, a consortium of companies including NBC Universal (now part of Comcast) would purchase The Weather Channel. This would see a number of changes including the programming structure and changes in personnel. Watching the channel during this era, I felt like it had lost its way. The constant barrage of weather information was interrupted by some sort of show that is related to weather in some fashion. The various decisions caused me to stop watching the channel altogether.

While researching this article, I came across information that The Weather Channel had refocused its efforts on forecasting the weather and not producing entertainment. I still haven't tuned into the channel to see if it would bring back to watching it on a somewhat regular basis. Thanks to local news stations providing streaming during storms and the internet providing many of technologies such as radar maps seen on the channel, I feel that I get more out this in terms of information than turning on the TV.

Still, I miss those days of sitting down in one of the bedrooms at my grandparent's house with The Weather Channel. It could keep me entertained while laying down in bed or provide some white noise if I was doing something else. At least there are some people who have been uploading Weather Channel coverage throughout the years on YouTube, so I can relive some of those memories.

[contradictoryenigmas]

On Santa Fe

I'm not one to comment mass shootings since I know Facebook and other places are littered with seemingly everyone giving their thoughts here and there. I tend to stay away for various reasons. But this one struck me in a way I wasn't expecting.

My mom who works a middle school was telling me today about the ALICE training. For those wondering, this is a program that trains those what to do in an active shooter situation. How to protect kids, treating injuries, etc. The thing that struck me the most was her telling me was the instructor playing the 911 call from a librarian at Columbine. It lasted four minutes and she told me it was the most chilling thing she had ever heard.

Next year will mark the 20th anniversary of Columbine and this issue is only getting worse. It broke my heart when I saw a student say "It's been happening everywhere. I always kind of felt like eventually it was going to happen here too."

I think it says a lot then whenever I see a mass shooting I have an image of a sign saying "days since last shooting" with a zero and person next to it sighing.

Every time one of these events happen, I worry about where my mom works, her students which are special ed, co-workers, etc. I feel anxiety-ridden until she comes home, even though it didn't happen here. School should be a safe place for those to learn and express. But it isn't.

I know by posting this, I'm unleashing a massive Pandora's box as to gun control, mental health, rights, etc. I have my thoughts and feelings, but I keep them close to heart. Partly due to me still working out or trying to learn more. Partly because I would rather be doing so many other things than arguing on the internet.

We begin another cycle where there is outrage, anger, and people trying to do something about it - whether good or bad. Nothing comes to fruition and it is forgotten about till the next shooting happens, and cycle kicks off.

It sounds like I am disenchanted and you would be right. I tend to keep my cynicalness and other bits off because I know it doesn't help. But the conversation I had today just affected me in such a way.

I hope things change, but I know deep down this trend will continue and so will my worries about my mom whenever 'x' event happens.

This was originally a Facebook post. But considering the overall length, I decided to move it here.

[contradictoryenigmas]

Fragmented Chaos #1

This is Fragmented Chaos, a somewhat regular feature on Contradictory Engimas where I provide some updates on previous pieces, and I jot down quick thoughts about whatever.

Update on Barnes & Noble: A few weeks after I posted my Pre-Postmortem piece, I stopped by my nearest store to see how things were going. The good news is that certain parts of the store seem to have some life. The used book section where books stacked on top of one another actually found places on the shelves. It also felt somewhat more lively than my previous visit.

What did worry me was the lack of customers in the store. The cafe and seating area were packed with people, but everywhere felt somewhat empty. It felt like a weekday visit, but it was a Saturday afternoon - a time where you would think there would be more people. I’m wondering if the ending of the 15% off your purchase for members offer in late March possibly explains the lack of customers.

On Facebook: After publishing this piece, I decided to delete the Facebook and Messenger apps off my phone and iPad. This was an experiment to see if I could stay off it. I would constantly check my phone or scroll through Facebook before bed to occupy my mind. Since deleting both applications, my usage of Facebook has dropped dramatically - about 75 to 85% if I was to hazard a guess. I still visit the site from time to time to post stories on a page I manage. Otherwise, I barely check what’s going on.

I have been thinking about the algorithmic timelines that are being used on Facebook and Instagram, and completely how terrible they are. They are said to bring up the stories and picture you would be interested in - something that happens 1 out of 20 times. At least with Facebook, I can switch between the standard and Top Stories timelines. Can't do that on Instagram which just annoys me.

Been bingeing through the No Such Thing As A Fish podcast done by the researchers of the BBC show QI. The basic premise is that the four hosts present their favorite facts of the week. These aren't your normal facts. In a recent episode, one of the facts was baby blue whales are birthed backward so they don't drown.

One of the ideas I have been banging around in my head is talking about the various media I have consumed in a given timeframe. If I could get myself back into watching a fair amount of movies and TV shows, then I think this has some legs. As of right now, it's in the idea pile with a number of other ones.

[contradictoryenigmas]

#QuitFacebook: The Case Against and For

The past week's news about Cambridge Analytica abusing Facebook data to swing the 2016 Presidential Election has gotten the social media company in very hot water.

Every day it seems there is a new piece on how this scandal could bring down Facebook or how it is the greatest evil ever conceived. There are also a number of articles making the case as to why people should quit the site and how to do it. Case in point,

“You can't trust the company — who knows who will own or run them, at the executive or government level, at any given time? — and you absolutely can't trust every single employee that can gain access to your personal data that they've harvested and hoarded. We've seen those types of abuses with everything from the NSA to Uber.

The only thing you can trust is a company not having your data, encrypting it end-to-end so even the company itself can't get access to your data, or deleting your data as fast as possible because its business model doesn't depend on exploiting your data over time.”

-Rene Ritchie, iMore.com

I mean it makes sense. Why would we post our information to this service if it was going to be used for nefarious purposes? But we did anyways without giving it a second thought. There has been a phrase that has been floating around since this story broke, “If a product is free, then you’re the product the company is selling.”

I have a problem with a number of these pieces. Just by deleting Facebook, you’ll be freed from the shackles. But is that true? Various reports and articles that have come out within the past week seem to say no.

I wanted to figure out the reasons as to why you should quit Facebook. But also figure out why you shouldn’t.

Against #QuitFacebook

Let’s get the depressing news out of the way first. Even if you download and delete your data from Facebook, there will still be remnants of you via Shadow Profiles. I first learned about this on an episode of the Make Me Smart podcast. After doing some quick searching, I pulled up a piece from Gizmodo talking about this profile.

“Behind the Facebook profile you’ve built for yourself is another one, a shadow profile, built from the inboxes and smartphones of other Facebook users. Contact information you’ve never given the network gets associated with your account, making it easier for Facebook to more completely map your social connections.”

Even if you never setup a Facebook account, more likely than not, there is a shadow profile of you sitting on a server. How do they pull this information? It comes down to someone importing their contacts list either on their email or their smartphone. Again from Gizmodo.

"Down in the fine print, below the “Get Started” button, the page states that “Info about your contacts...will be sent to Facebook to help you and others find friends faster.” This is vague, and the purpose remains vague even after you click on “Learn More”:

When you choose to find friends on Facebook, we’ll use and securely store information about your contacts, including things like names and any nicknames; contact photo; phone numbers and other contact or related information you may have added like relation or profession; as well as data on your phone about those contacts. This helps Facebook make recommendation for you and others, and helps us provide a better service"

Creepy to say the least.

It should also be noted that if you quit Facebook but are planning to keep Instagram, then you haven’t fully quit Facebook. For those who don’t know, Instagram is owned by Facebook and is most likely pulling similar data to build a profile. WhatsApp is also owned by Facebook, but it is unclear if it also taking data and sending it back to the mothership. Nevertheless, if you want to leave Facebook fully, you need to leave the entire ecosystem.

For some people, quitting Facebook isn’t a possible option. A number of people are required to use Facebook for their job. I fall into this category as I use Facebook to help promote pieces that I have written to get attention. From Vox:

“The question of whether journalists are able to do their jobs without Facebook notwithstanding, in a fully digital society, there are a vast and increasing number of jobs that this stipulation applies to: marketers, web developers, social media managers, publicists, anyone wishing to effectively promote personal or professional projects, and so on. I can’t count the number of times I’ve sat in panels on writing or other creator guide sessions and heard panelists dictate that anyone wanting to be taken seriously or promote their work must be on Facebook.

The pressure to be on or use Facebook in order to self-promote, distribute information, and do one’s job effectively is so pervasive most of us probably don’t even really think of it as pressure to conform. Of course businesses and anyone with a personal brand has to have Facebook. Don’t they?”

Others see Facebook as a way to connect with different communities. It could be a teenager that is trying to figure their identity and joins an LGBTQ group to help them in this process. It might be someone who is dealing with chronic illness or mental health issues and needs somewhere to feel at ease. For many communities, Facebook is seen as the most secure platform to host them. There are tools to keep out people who only want to ruin various groups because they don’t believe in their views.

“For many people, Facebook is an important gateway to the internet. In fact, it is the only version of the internet that some know, and it plays a central role in communicating, creating community and participating in society online.”

-Safya Noble, assistant professor of information studies at the University of Southern California to The Guardian

For #QuitFacebook

There is one argument that I really haven’t seen get enough press, but it is the one I agree with the most. The reason you should delete your Facebook is to improve your mental health. Last year, a study published by Holly Shakya and Nicholas Christakis revealed that using Facebook “was negatively associated with well-being.” Quite the opposite of interacting in the real world where a person’s well-being is positive.

“The full story when it comes to online social media use is surely complex. Exposure to the carefully curated images from others’ lives leads to negative self-comparison, and the sheer quantity of social media interaction may detract from more meaningful real-life experiences. What seems quite clear, however, is that online social interactions are no substitute for the real thing.”

-Holly Shakya and Nicholas Christakis in the Harvard Business Review

This is not the only study that says Facebook is not good for your mental health. One study revealed that when people compare their real lives to those dream versions posted by other people on the social network, your chances of showing symptoms of depression increased. Another study showed that using Facebook leads to negative feelings driver “a feeling of having wasted time.” The same study also found that users predict their mood will improve when they log into the social network, but the opposite is true. Even Facebook admitted back in December that users “passively consuming information” would make them feel worse. Although they argue that users should be interacting more to prevent this.

I can speak to stepping away from Facebook is good for you. I have been taking breaks from Facebook, mostly on the weekend, and I can report that my mood is noticeably better. A lot of this comes down to avoiding FOMO (Fear of Missing Out).

It may seem the #QuitFacebook is black and white. But begin to dig deeper and a big gray area begins to show itself.

If I didn’t have to use Facebook as a way to amplify stories that I have written, then I would seriously consider taking myself off. For now, I have begun to lock down my Facebook further by removing a number of applications and changing the various setting as to what people can see. I am also cutting back severely on what I post and how much time I spend on the site. The same is going into effect on my Instagram account.

Of course, me stepping back and others deleting their accounts doesn’t solve the key issue at hand, clamping down on what data companies have access to and what can be used. In the European Union, the General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR) will be coming into effect in May. This new set of rules basically gives users of various services such as Facebook more information as to how their data is being used. More importantly, users have greater control over how it is being used. TechCrunch has a good explainer here.

Could something like this happen in the U.S? I’m not hopeful considering the condition of our government could be described as being in shambles. Plus, I feel any sort of regulation that is introduced would likely go nowhere.

There is something that I’m hoping will arise from this giant mess is that people take into consideration what they are putting out there into the world. But also thinking about what data could be harvested if they decide to sign up for a service like Facebook.

“My sorta hyperbolic metaphor for this was that data is a weapon. Right, data is a weapon that can be used in all kinds of ways at this point and Facebook is the biggest arms dealer.”

-Molly Wood, Make Me Smart Episode 54

[contradictoryenigmas]

Barnes & Noble: A Pre-Postmortem

A couple weeks ago, I stopped by my local Barnes & Noble to look around for some various books. I also wanted to see if I could notice any changes in terms the atmosphere compared to my last visit. Earlier that week, B&N performed a ‘Red Wedding’ with laying off 1,800 full-time workers due to a poor holiday season.

This is what a writer on the Brain Fuzzies Tumblr wrote about the layoffs.

“On Monday morning, every single Barnes & Noble location – that’s 781 stores – told their full-time employees to pack up and leave. The eliminated positions were as follows: the head cashiers (those are the people responsible for handling the money), the receiving managers (the people responsible for bringing in product and making sure it goes where it should), the digital leads (the people responsible for solving Nook problems), the newsstand leads (the people responsible for distributing the magazines), and the bargain leads (the people responsible for keeping up the massive discount sections). A few of the larger stores were able to spare their head cashiers and their receiving managers, but not many.

Just about everyone lost between 3 and 7 employees. The unofficial numbers put the total around 1,800 people.”

Walking into the store days after the layoffs, it seemed normal with people shopping or enjoying the cafe. But I could immediately tell the atmosphere was very muted. All of the employees working were trying to be their normal selves and go about their business. But I couldn’t shake the feeling they were still sad at the loss of their co-workers and fearing they could be next on the chopping block. On the floor, employees spent more time shelving and organizing books than being able to help shoppers find their books.

But the biggest sign of how much of a problem these layoffs was in the bargain/used book section.

I know from my last visit there wasn’t as many books piled up on this desk as the pictures. Nor was there a large stack of boxes sitting next to it.

The slow bleeding of Barnes & Noble is sadly not new. Since 2013, the company has posted steady sales declines. The past quarter marked the seventh loss in as many quarters. Barnes & Noble has said they want to focus more on books and has been cutting back on the number of gift and toys it sells. This isn’t working out as the company is underperforming when compared to the book market as a whole.

Many people point out that decline of Barnes & Noble is due to Amazon and the rise of E-Books. But there are some factors that aren’t really talked about.

The holidays are an important time for stores as it can make them a fair amount of cash and hopefully improve their bottom line. This was a chance for Barnes and Noble to possibly change their fortunes. But that did not happen. Again, here is Brain Fuzzies.

“Something kinda important is happening in December, btw.

In particular, hours in receiving were carved to the bone. You know what that means? It means that product – product that could be selling – sat unopened in boxes. In many cases, those boxes had already been logged into the system. The computers showed we had them. Customers came in, expecting to purchase things, knowing they were in the store! But what they wanted was buried under 100, 200 boxes. And there were no employees to find them. There were barely any employees available at all.

Customers went away annoyed. And they shopped on Amazon instead.”

Emphasis mine. Imagine if Barnes & Noble had just a couple more employees working during the holidays which allowed others to quickly run into the storeroom to find the book. It might have made for a better holiday season.

Sadly this problem has been around for some time as well. As author Chuck Wendig noted on Twitter,

“This is my greatest issue with B&N: they never seem to have new books. I go to look for SFF releases and they're *never* on shelves the week of release unless they're huge releases. Which damages first week sales, which then damages future buy-ins for subsequent books.”

It isn’t limited to Sci-Fi and Fantasy. Within the past year, I have noticed new releases for various genres don’t appear on the shelf, despite the website telling you it is there. This is made even worse when it is a book that Barnes & Noble is promoting that week. Sometimes, you are able to ask an employee to see if they can they can get out of storeroom for you. But the recent layoffs will likely mean the chances of asking someone to look are slim, prompting those to just order off Amazon or somewhere else.

This brings us to the second factor, price. When you’re buying a book at a Barnes & Noble store, you’re paying the list price. It would be nice if the store could offer a price match guarantee. Some have wondered why Barnes & Noble doesn’t do this with Amazon and there is a good reason why. Books are a loss-leader for Amazon and they can make up that loss with a large number of products on offer like their Prime subscription. Barnes & Noble only sells a fraction of the products (Nook e-readers, music, DVD/Blu-Rays, and toys) which means they cannot do the same. Makes sense, but why doesn’t Barnes & Noble stores price match their own website?

Here is an example of a book I was trying to find during my visit. The retail price at the store was $9.99. But I could order the same book off the Bares & Noble site and only pay $7.59. Why would I buy the book at the store when I could get it for less online? Yes, having in your hands immediately is worth the extra cost to some. Others would be willing to wait the two days if they have Amazon Prime to get the book.

It would be nice if Barnes & Noble would offer some sort of a price match policy for items sold in store. Not a lot of people will take advantage of it, but giving some peace of mind to customers isn’t a bad thing.

That isn’t to say Barnes and Noble isn’t trying to keep customers coming in. Towards the end of last summer, my local store had some large signs up in the windows and inside:

If you happen to be a Barnes & Noble member, instead of getting 10 percent off most books, you got 20 percent off. Other items such as magazines kept the same 10 percent discount. It should be noted that this offer is limited certain stores in Michigan, Ohio, and Utah. The OASG has an excellent overview which you can check out here.

This offer seems to be proving popular as Barnes & Noble has extended it to the end of December and now has it ending on March 31st. I’ll admit that it has made purchase more books at the store since it knocks a good chunk of the price off. But I don’t know if this has caused people to sign up for their membership plan to take advantage of this offer. I also can’t help but wonder if Barnes & Noble is going to continue to extend this offer over and over.

Reading through the various news stories on the layoffs, Barnes & Noble said the layoffs would save them $40 million dollars. While the cost savings are nice, the layoffs also hurt the store in more ways than one. For one, the company has lost a number of experienced employees who had the knowledge and ability to work some very important tasks to keep the store running smoothly. These were also the people that would train new employees on how to go about their job. All of that is now gone.

As for current employees, I’m willing to guess they are keeping their eyes and ears open for any new opportunity that arises.

This move is also limiting new people from joining the company in the first place. Imagine you were planning to apply for Barnes & Noble and then across this news of many full-time employees being laid off. New full-time positions are almost non-existent. Most would decide to go somewhere else.

But the biggest loser will be consumers, especially those who live in places where Barnes & Noble acts as a sudo-cultural center, opening their eyes to the world around them. It is a place that you can wander around for an hour or two, seeing if anything catches your eye. It is a place that you can relax with a book or stack of magazines on a rainy day at the cafe. It is the place where you can hear an author talk about how their new book came to be.

Various books and magazines I have picked up in recent visits at Barnes & Noble.

If Barnes & Noble goes away, will anyone take its place? There will be those who will argue that Amazon will, but that is looking at from a narrow viewpoint. Amazon doesn’t offer the chance of aimlessly walking around the shelves or having a person make a recommendation for a book. John Biggs on TechCrunch put it best:

“Streamlining a bookstore may work in theory but in practice a bookstore is far more than a depot for printed matter. It is a play place, a cafe, and a browsing spot. Small booksellers know this and they make their spaces interesting and welcoming.

A Barnes & Noble without a guy in a pirate suit reading stories is a Wal-Mart without the added benefit of selling more than just media”

I don’t think Barnes & Noble will be shutting their doors in the next few months. But the signs of its downward spiral are there and it will only get worse as time goes on. In the coming months, I wouldn’t be surprised if B&N begins to close stores. A small number at first, but gradually rising.

Right now, Barnes & Noble is whistling by the graveyard, pretending that nothing horrible will be coming. But the grim reaper is right behind, watching carefully for the right moment to take it into the afterlife.

[contradictoryenigmas]

2017 Postmortem: 10 Questions

As 2017 finally and mercifully comes to end, it is time to reflect.

Originally, I had a long piece talking about my experience of the past year. I got about 1200 or so words into the piece before deciding to do something else. It was a combination of feeling that I was oversharing in parts and the piece being too melon collie.

I’m not going to say 2017 was a complete sh*t year for me, unlike 2016. There was a fair amount of terrible, but there was also a lot of good that came from it.

I have decided to look back at the year by answering 10 questions.

What made up your body of work this year? Which parts are you most proud of?

A lot my work was in the automotive realm with the majority being news and new car reviews. There was a small number of opinion pieces that I tackled this year.

At the beginning of the year, I delved into the disappointing Detroit Auto Show and looked into the possible reasons as to what happened.

Then in July, I pondered what is the right size vehicle for me. This stemmed from me looking at various compact vehicles.

Here on Contradictory Enigmas, I wrote about my writing troubles. I can report that it has gotten somewhat better, but there are still times where I struggle.

What were your top 5 moments of the year?

Getting my splint removed and given the ok to put weight on my right leg

Doing a massive clean out of my room (7 garbage bags full of stuff, 50-plus books being donated)

Beginning to work on a backlog of fiction reading

Almost filling out a notebook with just writing practice

Being able to drive one of my dream cars, a Lexus LC 500 towards the end of the year

What are you really glad is over?

Aside from the year itself?

I would likely say the feeling of being stuck and thinking that I will not be able to move on. Being in a deep hole, I try my best to climb/claw my way out, only to fall back down and having to start once again. Having this happen over and over becomes very demotivating. It makes you want to give up. But something in me persisted to keep trying. One day, you will be able to climb out.

At least right now, I still fall down. But I know, sooner or later, I will be able to get out.

How are you different today than you were 365 days ago?

I could easily list some of the negative items. For one, I have become a bit more socially awkward. I get way too nervous after sending out emails asking about new work or making a phone call about possibly scheduling a vehicle for review. Talking to someone new is very uncomfortable and I try to avoid it. A lot of this stems from not getting out of the house as much as I would like to during the past year. Plus, I’m not sleeping as much as I used to.

On the positives, I have been working on taking time for myself to anything else other than work. There is a stopping point I have on every workday that I follow, along with taking Sundays off. The challenge now is trying to figure out what to do with all of this time, aside from binging Netflix and YouTube. Cutting back on social media has helped in terms of my mental health and avoiding the FOMO phenomenon. It has also reduced my cynical thoughts by a wide margin - except on politics, but there are reasons to that.

Is there anything you achieved that you forgot to celebrate?

Surprised at how resilient I have become over the past year. This was brought to light when I was notified that a company I had applied for went in a different direction for a job. I was devastated by the news as I got really far in the application process.

Usually, I would dive into work as a way to distract myself from this. But this never worked, only causing more stress and direness. This time, I would decide to a break from work and just let feelings work through. I would lay down for a bit and then find various distractions. A day later, most of the anguish and sadness would be gone. To say I was shocked was a massive understatement.

What have you changed your perspective on this year?

Realizing that I shouldn't feel guilty for taking time off from doing work. 2016 was the year of me trying to survive. I was constantly working seven days a week to make ends meet. As much I as wanted to take a break, I knew that it wasn't going to happen. Aside from feeling burnt out, this train of thought would cause me to feel quite guilty for taking some time for myself.  But this changed within the first few months of the year. I could tell my creativity and quality in my writing was going down. Something needed to change. It has been hard to change this mindset that dictated my 2016. But slowly, I have been making time for myself.

Cutting back the amount of news I take in has also done wonders. 2017 has been a year where it everyone is trying to become more informed with various news sources and gobbling up every story. The problem with is you get the feeling that the world is coming to an end and nothing good is happening. For me, I stay up to date by listening/reading news summaries in the morning and early evening. I might not know everything that is happening in the world at a given moment and I'm ok with that.

The last thing is that I need to get over the hangups of asking for help. I worry that I'm being a bit of a pain and taking advantage of someone when asking for help. But there is a little voice in my head that tells me that isn't true. - you don't constantly bug people about possible new work or looking at a piece, nor have squandered any opportunities in quite some time. It is ok to ask for help, you just need to do it.

Who are the people that really came through for you this year?

The various editors that I worked with over the past year. They were all willing to take some time to go over my work to make them the best they could be. The editors would also take some time to talk with me about areas where I could improve and go over possible ideas. Any writer knows an editor is worth their weight in gold and I'm very lucky to have a few of them.

There was also the small group of close friends to help me get through the year. I'll admit that I feel terrible for not talking with them as much as I would like. But they would always seem to be happy whenever I would call.

What were some pieces of media that defined your year?

Gotta Knock A Little Harder - Yoko Kanno and The Seatbelts, Cowboy Bebop: Knockin' on Heaven's Door: Future Blues

The closing song to the Cowboy Bebop movie has been on heavy rotation for me this past year. Some of the lyrics hit close to home.

Always keepin' safe inside Where no one ever had a chance To penetrate a break in

Let me tell you some have tried But I would slam the door so tight That they could never get in

Kept my cool under lock and key And I never shed a tear Another sign of my condition

Fear of love or bitter vanity That kept me on the run The main events at my confession

I kept a chain upon my door That would shake the shame of Cain Into a blind submission

It is a reminder for me that I cannot remain closed off from people. I need to be ok with being somewhat vulnerable, or else I'm locked up in a room of my own making and no one is coming to get me out.

The Rook - Daniel O'Malley

Trying to read any sort of fiction has been really for me. I tend to lose interest very quickly and not fully sure why. The Rook was one of the few fiction books that keep me interested this year. A secret agency that deals with supernatural threats and the main character who lost her memory - you have my attention. I’ll be reading the sequel sometime next year.

Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within - Natalie Goldberg

This book got me to start doing journaling with various ideas for pieces, stories, and other bits. I still need to finish the book though.

Promises - Monophonics

I only came across this song a few weeks ago and it has become one of my favorites. Something about this song makes want to constantly replay it once it ends.

What will you be leaving behind in 2017?

Setting unrealistic expectations on a number of things, "After I finish X, I can be happy," train of thoughts for example. Also, not trying to predict my future holds as it makes me miserable if it doesn't work out.

What are your goals for 2018?

The big goal for 2018 is figuring out who the hell I am.  In 2016, I felt that I lost the knowledge of who I was. Sure I am a human who is in their late 20s and writes about the auto industry and other bits. But other than those pieces, everything else about myself seemed to fade into black.

This past year has seen me pick up the various bits and pieces of myself in an effort to figure out who I am. It's a complicated puzzle where I have some of the pieces and trying to piece them together. There are a number of pieces that are missing - they could be somewhere else waiting to be unearthed or have faded away.

Next year is where I begin to put the puzzle together by working with the pieces that I have and also creating new ones to help fill in the gaps. I know that I will never be able to complete the puzzle, but I want to feel like that I have made some significant process, not starting at a giant pile and wondering what should I do.

Farewell 2017. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

[contradictoryenigmas]

Return From Exile

Hi there. It has been awhile.

Sorry for the lack of posts over the past few months. I have been on a self-imposed exile from doing any writing except work-related stuff. If you want an idea as to why I went into exile, I recommend checking out my last piece.

2017 has been a tough year for me. Some of this comes down to personal issues that I’m still somewhat in the process of working out. The remainder is due to the raging dumpster fire that is 2017. I don’t think I need to go into detail about why. The combination of these two has sucked out a lot of the joy and desire to write something not related to the day job. Ideas would be floating around in my head, but I never put them to paper or in a document. Instead, they would float around in the ether of my mind.

Starting this blog over a year or so ago was a huge accomplishment. I was able to overcome the various fears and doubts that I had at the beginning. But after taking a bit of time away, I feel like I am back the starting line with no idea what to do.

What’s the plan going forward? I want to get back to doing a post or so a month to get myself back in the rhythm. Once I feel that I have something going, I will bring back Random Play and possibly another idea rolling around in my head.

Recently, I have been keeping a notebook for writing practice. I try to do this every day and write whatever is on my mind or some sort of exercise. The notebook has been slowly filling up with ideas for fiction that have been floating around my head, personal essays and rants that are for my eyes only, and more recently, ideas for the blog. I would not be surprised if pieces that are written in this notebook start appearing here*.

As I get back on this horse that is Contradictory Enigmas, I find myself being glad to be back.

*For example, this piece was first written in the notebook. There have been some changes between this and the one in my notebook.