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[copingintheghetto]

Google voice typing trial run

I haven't written anything for a while. I am trying to form good habits and be consistent in just about everything in my life because that's a big problem for me. And I don't think my therapist can help me with this as my psychiatrist NP suggested.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is this the name I have and coping in the ghetto is- I don't know what these words mean as of February 28th 2024.

I need to change the word ghetto because I do not live in the ghetto anymore. I know where that is in this medium sized city, which is the capital of the state.

It's a place that is depressing to me because it reminds me of where I was and I worry that things will go badly and I'll lose my little home that I love and be walking the streets looking for anything and everything. I worry about losing my sources of income because I'm not good enough at my job according to my coaches. Even so, I think I'm a good employee that works my ass off. My homework assignment is to ask a coach for a minute of their time and read from a piece of paper that I will have written ahead of time addressing all of the things that I need to communicate. Then we'll be on the same page and a weight will be lifted off my shoulders. I will try to do this today. I have already talked to HR and she was really nice. She said she would be a mediator between me and the coaches and the leads nothing has ever come of that. Sometimes I wonder if they are treating me differently because of what she told them. Because I'm not expected to do as much as the other people. I mean new people are doing what I don't do. I've told them that I can do things if they're written down and I can see. But they don't seem to have time to let me write things down. So the solution will be to find a lesson on their learning platform while I'm clocked in before I start working and take notes. Then go up to them and say, "hey I got this written down here and I can do it now if you want me to."

What angers me is that I have carpal tunnel syndrome now because of my hard work there and my knee is messed up now as well. I'll see you doctor next week.

Then there's the anxiety about having to pay social security back around $5,000 since I went over the SGA amount beginning in November. I thought things that were incorrect, and now I know that I should have called them and asked about working full-time before I did so. It was awful for my mental and physical health by the way. The good thing is I gave them my wage information and now I'm just waiting for a caseworker to call me back.

If I do owe all of my savings, then that is just what will happen. The next step would be to save money again. And that's all there is to that.

The other thing is my psychiatrist NP who is now telling me to taper off of pregabalin and just take gabapentin, which is what I'm taking for my nerve pain in my wrist. I told her Gabapentin does not work for anxiety- that I've tried it. She ignored me and continued with her expert thoughts. I think the pregabalin shows promise. I just haven't figured out the right dose. But I am scared of talking to her about that.

The hand surgeon told me that he doesn't put people on Gabapentin long term. That if the pain gets bad, then surgery is an option. By the way, he gave me a steroid injection and I think it's helped but I'm not sure. He said it could help for months .

Back to NP. ... then the solution- if she's not willing to respect my wishes (my bodily autonomy?)- will be to find a different psychiatrist.

Unfortunately, they're pretty much all the same though. Perhaps 1 in 30 might prove helpful. But there's no law that says you have to stay with your provider. You can always seek another one.

Besides being consistent with things and writing things down before I tap on someone's shoulder to communicate, I have to figure out how to stop this compulsive talking I do all day at home.

A lot of it is just because I'm lonely and have no one to talk to. I crave human connection. Not with just anyone, of course. My own company is better than Bad Company. I wonder what the band Bad Company were thinking when they came up with that name.

I am not making an effort in this department though, so I can change that when I'm ready.

But how do I stop the talking? It wastes hours of my day every day. I apologize to my cat for not playing with her. I feel horrible. So, in order to decrease the chances of my ending up in a scary place with scary people trying to take advantage of me and succeeding, I have got to use my powerful amazing brain to make use of my precious time when I'm not at work.

Okay this should be the end of this Google Voice typing test. I think it works rather well so I'll continue to use it. This would be the beginning of another one.

Taking action. Cognitive behavioral therapy for me and you. No, the following is not something I came up with. Do I have to mention the source? I'll throw caution to the wind. This is from stuff I bought way over 10 years ago. It was expensive for me by the way, lol.

Lesson 1.

Anxiety: Symptoms, Causes, and Common Fears.

1. Notice personality traits that encourage anxiety.

2. Begin to appreciate the positive side of your personality.

3. You can change the way you think.

4. Begin making behavior changes.

5. Begin journaling.

6. Slow down in all ways.

7. Begin an exercise routine and reduce caffeine.

8. Recovery is a gradual process.

9. Use relaxation audio session three times daily.

10. Listen to your inner dialogue. Respectful? Kind?

"Your history does not have to be your future."

To be continued.

[copingintheghetto]

I'm alive

when my primary care doctor, Benny Greene, askd me how I was doing I replied with a polite yet honest answer that would always be met with a reply like, well, you woke up this morning! You're alive. He had some notes somewhere about a diagnosis of clinical depression, Ptsd and other anxiety disorders. Was he a psychiatrist? No. But he might as well have been, lol. I found somebody new- Emily- NP- she had a nice joyous vibe about her and I'm happy that I will never see Greene's indifferent, yawn-inducing sarcasm/humor/ who knows what the f he thought he was, but that's just life. It's just... if you're lucky, you can stop seeing a professional like this one, whom your absentee asswipe of a father would approve of, and start seeing a new face. So I suggest that, if you have a lingering dark cloud of anger, pissed offness, sadness while/after your appointment above your head, go ahead and make the time- even though it can be a pain in the ass- to pick someone else that you want on your team.

[copingintheghetto]

Who, Where, Why?

I forget what my last words typed here were. Not gonna look. I just had a thought- why post what I find interesting about bands/artists and their lyrics, their donde estas- on facebook? Nobody in my friend list- mainly relatives because I deleted everyone my ex-sociopath boyfriend told me to- wants to read about these things. I should just blog about music and never write another line about anything on facebook.

While I'm here- there's something related to "living in the ghetto". Well, I came across the word. It seems that someone has tried to insult an intelligent, beautiful, professional, classy woman in Congress. I don't know if Ms. Crockett was born into poverty and clawed/climbed her way out or what. I am grateful that I wasn't born into poverty and have no idea what that experience would be like since I haven't lived it. All I can say is that I empathize with those struggling to rise above, cheer for those that do and feel confused as to why a person from a higher socio-economic background would spend their time casting stones at someone who rose above- someone who's words resonate with me- remind me that my glasses are, indeed, the right prescription as I try to keep my balance while navigating through my own little world, putting out fires big and small. Honestly, I wish I had not looked at this mess written on reddit and, instead, focused on my nauseating to-do list. SIDE NOTE- Mom On the Spectrum (also ADHD- on youtube.com) shared something that might be the best thing I've heard about all year. goblin.tools. Your to-do list- each task is broken down into steps for you. There's even this feature that compiles all of your 'brain dump' into a list of tasks! 'Judge' helps you read the tone of someone's message to you if you're not quite sure what to think about it. And it can help you think of a more tactful way to say something to someone. AND it can estimate how long any given task will take you to complete! Back to the beginning. Well, I think that person casting stones is doing so out of insecurity and not having any sense of self. SIDE NOTE- I have been struggling with talking out loud at home, alone, for a year and a half now. It's a compulsion, meaning I can't stop it even though I want to. I waste hours every day giving lectures, interviews, reenacting conversations- what I wanted to say, how I wanted to sound, all the points I wanted to make. Putting away some groceries takes 2 hours. I don't think it is OCD like my psych nurse practitioner said. I agree with the OCD personality disorder diagnosis I received 10 years ago though. I was going through a disorganized psych folder of mine the other day and came across a piece of paper with, "Dr. Clark" written at the top. At the very bottom is this: "Insecurity: loneliness and insecurity sometimes cause people to talk incessantly." But it doesn't say that it's all done out loud while alone like my situation. Regardless, I am definitely insecure. I was learning about all the different kinds of insecurity one can have the other day and it seemed that I had three types. All of it stemming from childhood trauma and abuse and all. So one shouldn't be ashamed about it. Should I waste time trying to put myself in the shoes of the stone thrower? No. I'm exhausted. Anyway, I digested some social media content along with all of the song lyrics I studied for the past week. The word 'ghetto' is used here. The post I read started with,

"Republicans don’t use racial slurs and stereotypes challenge GOP" from Reddit.

"With the disgusting remarks the left makes about Lauren [sic] Boobert, why shouldn't we be a little rough on ghetto Jasmine Crockett? Rep Crockett made an ass of herself during the #impeachmentinquiry hearing today...the woman has no class. I like Byron Donalds...he is a free-thinking black man with a brain. ""Cock-it"" is just a washed-up welfare queen who somehow made it to Congress." So, when you dislike someone for speaking truth backed up by facts, you lash out like a spoiled insecure child-bully because it makes you feel uncomfortable? You type out your lazy commentary- take jabs at someone superior in intellect and logic (just a hunch), knowing the majority of ignorant constituents wrapped around your cronies' fingers won't bother to look up the facts. This person and his/her cronies project a lot. (I think this is part of what's going on here. Not sure. I'm tired.) Repeatedly. Like, when will they stop?! Never. No shame because it would hurt their game. And they are in it to win it-no going back now! Having to admit defeat? No thanks. Let's just run with the ball and see how far we can go while ignoring the referees! When someone calls you something that they are, it is called psychological projection or projection bias. This is a psychological defense mechanism where a person subconsciously denies his or her own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, usually to other people . (I'm not sure this is applicable here- I thought I was going somewhere with this.) Well, I think people like the one who spouted the hate about Ms. Crockett here are the ones making asses out of themselves. My mom does this. She- probably a narcissist- calls me one. SIDE NOTE: You can benefit from CBT if people do this to you- project- and you start to question yourself- start gaslighting yourself. It's crazy how that can start to happen. Second guessing yourself. Gaslighting- a subtle form of emotional manipulation that often results in the recipient doubting their perception of reality and their sanity. I guess I was saying that Ms. Crockett's words help protect me from gaslighting myself whenever I hear members of Congress squabbling about this and that. The stone thrower wants people to doubt themselves and their ability to think and reason. Doubt their intuition. Their gut feeling. This reminds me of my dad. He doesn't call to ask how I'm doing. He seems like a bully to me-one who is flat out bored sometimes. He calls to push my buttons because he's insecure. I never bring up politics but he usually, gleefully, sneaks something into a phone call for no reason. I don't share my opinion much because his loud, bellowing voice triggers my fight or flight response. If I didn't have these anxiety disorders and whatnot, he'd never speak to me about politics. Why do bullies pick fights with the meek? Insecurity. (again) I think most people know this in this day and age. But I still think that it is really sick and worth repeating that it is really sick. SIDE NOTE: I hope we can all express our own opinions without bighting each others' heads off one day. Wouldn't it be nice? (Beach Boys song popped into my head. I think it played at the end of a documentary I saw long ago.)

[copingintheghetto]

I’m enrolled in a web design program, learning the essential  client side languages and I can’t figure out how to change “copingintheghetto” to “copingInWestLittleRock”, or “copingInArkansas”, or- wait-why did I type coping in the ghetto with zero spaces? I’ve learned to name files in Adobe Animate/Photoshop/Illustrator, etc. without spaces because the browser will treat the spaces as meaning something you don’t want it to.                                     Note: If I ever mention computer stuff in these entries, I will never look up what my class notes say about anything I’ve learned/am learning in my detail-oriented course right now. That means I might define or explain these new chunks of knowledge incorrectly. So don’t quote me on any of it.      The perfectionist inside screams to look up the correct explanation regarding the misuse of spaces when naming files, but I’m practicing the art of ignoring that cry. I put spaces in this one- I’m sure it looked annoying as hell. or “Coping with years of underemployment and to add insult to injury, since January and my employer being bought by another company, am being treated like an ignoramus by haughty, uptight women who take this job way too seriously, and almost never give me the benefit of the doubt”. Thought this was funny and going somewhere, but this looks like the name of a Fiona Apple album.  Anyway, my idea tonight was to keep a record of my moderate-severe anxiety related faux pas at work, home, and out and about. Faux pas . . . or substitute with ‘mistakes’, ‘bad decisions’.  Since the professionals in the psych arena never seem to view my symptoms as serious ones that create serious problems, frustrations, and automatic negative thoughts (ha), I know I should keep track of the mistakes and wish I’d started sooner to document what’s driving me crazy every day. I basically even asked my neurologist if there were any over the counter supplements/snake oils that have been proven to help with my stupidity (cognitive decline?) over the past ??years, and he told me “no, but you can take a vitamin E and B-12 supplement.” I already take B-12 and figure my multi-vitamin helps with any lack of E. I don’t know.  Tomorrow I’ll jot down my first one.

[copingintheghetto]

Well, I didn’t cope very well in the ghetto. Glad to get out. Now I’m coping in Arkansas, but it’s much easier here. My cat loves it here. So do I. Not Arkansas per se, but my new place/neighborhood. Things can change. Many thanks to all of my parasocial relationships on youtube. These people really do good work.

[copingintheghetto]

Coping In the Ghetto

I should have posted more about my life in the ghetto of North Memphis since my blog is called coping in the ghetto. Right? I apologize. 

I think one way to cope is by volunteering. Have something to do on your off days at work. Another way to cope is to walk to a church next door to you (there are a few a few steps away from me) and listen to a sermon. You may be an agnostic like me but still get something from the message. Another way to cope is by cooking/eating healthy/nourishing foods. I’m not good at this one but want to get better. Another way to cope is by working out. Cardio and then other stuff like upper and lower body work. I’m not doing this currently but feel bad about not doing it. 

Here’s a starting point I wrote down on a note card that’s simple:

50 Jumping Jacks

40 Crunches

40 Squats

40 Leg Lifts (20 on each side)

30 Jumping Jacks

20 Bicycle Crunches

20 Squats

30 Leg Lifts (15 on each side)

Run for 10 minutes (or jog in place). You can increase the minutes as your fitness level increases. Listen to good workout music while you run/jog.

[copingintheghetto]

I thought I lost what I wrote but I didn’t.

All I was talking about is the fact that it seems like too much work to go through each chapter of The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook on here and report my findings. So I’ll keep thinking of how to make this tumbler thing useful.

If you have a panic attack coming on, don’t fight it. Float with it. Feel it but let yourself know that it’s going to pass.

If you’re phobic of all kinds of things, do one little baby step each day. If you’re afraid to go try out for a play, drive to the place where the auditions are being held. The next time, park and force yourself to walk in. Make yourself ask someone a question. Whatever. As long as you know you conquered a little fear (or medium or big), you will feel better about yourself. Remember to love yourself. Tell yourself you love yourself. It’s simple and kind of dorky but it works for me.

[copingintheghetto]

Recovery: A Comprehensive Approach

I’m going to read through this chapter and get back to you on what I think I’ve learned. 

Lord, this chapter is long! And full of useful information. You should just buy the workbook. There is no point in me quoting what the book says.  I’m trying to sort this all out. 

My thought is just to try and “float” instead of fight when you feel intense anxiety. Know that the anxiety will level off and you’ll feel less anxious later on.

I know that my biggest homework assignment is to do things I fear doing, little by little, or step by step. Baby steps. Reward and encourage yourself to keep doing these tiny steps after you complete each little step. There are always going to be assholes out there. But you’ll find there are also nice people out there. Don’t let the assholes get to you. Maybe let them get to you for a moment. But then put an abrupt STOP! to it. They could be having a bad day/moment. I’m just rambling at this point and feel the need to stop. Have a great moment.

[copingintheghetto]

I should have posted about the ghetto a long time ago. Like, when the pandemic started in April. I say April because that’s when the company I work for stopped conducting business.

The pandemic started in April for me since that’s when I stopped getting work. 

I made the mistake of hanging out with neighbors in the hood. I lost large amounts of money because I was taken advantage of, plain and simple.

 I didn’t know what to do without a work schedule! I filed police reports, went to the bank, etc., but to no avail. I simply got taken advantage of. I don’t live around respectable people. Some are. But most aren’t. Anyway, once work started again in July, things changed for the better. 

Still, the stolen money I worked so hard for was gone. The lesson I learned is to not invite any stranger to your home or go on a ride with one in the ghetto. Stay inside and talk to people on messenger and all the other ways you can connect with people virtually. Stay inside!

I looked into volunteering at a cat place but was too nervous to follow through. I would have been cleaning but I think I would have enjoyed it. Pray for me to start volunteering on Sundays at least, since that is my day off. (I’m interested in veterinary stuff).

If you have to live in a ghetto, keep your answers simple and generic. Don’t try to strike up a friendship.  (There are exceptions. Maybe you can become/be a friend, but keep your guard up). 

[copingintheghetto]

I hate the ghetto, but more than that, not being able to pay for therapy

I suffer from a plethora of mental health crap.  And I thought I was doing a good thing for my mental health by setting up an appointment with a new therapist. I saw her 2 or 3 times because I miraculously had Fridays off for a while. She listened to me and took some notes, but we never got far enough with the “about me” to actually get into any sort of therapy. I called her to ask how her surgery went and if she was still able to practice but all I got was an answering service person. I don’t think my message got to her because I haven’t heard from her in quite some time. Even so, I figure it’s just as well because I can’t afford $25 bucks a session, 4 times a month. I mean, I’d rather spend the money I make on food. The last thing she told me was to bring a book I’d spoken fondly of. It’s called The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook. I figure I should start assigning myself lessons and forget therapy since it ain’t cheap. The next blog will be about a lesson from the book. It’s a way to keep me engaged with the workbook every week. Please lord, help me with my ADHD and all to be able to undertake this with the utmost urgency and dedication. Come along with me if you want.

[copingintheghetto]

Been Missing

I went to see my mom for thanksgiving. It went well. It was a good visit. Even she said that. I rolled my eyes several times, but she didn’t see. I journaled on my computer to get through the difficult times and it helped! I just typed everything I was thinking. It feels good to get along with someone you’ve had a tumultuous past with.

[copingintheghetto]

I Finally Did It

With my landlord and some guy at renttropolis in new york’s help, this early morning, I was able to pay my rent. Finally.

the dog bumped a few balls over into a neighbor’s yard. I asked for the balls. Nothing.

I hope I can watch some fireworks on t.v. because I don’t feel like driving amongst swarms of people.

My landlord said companies will pay for you to get your master’s degree. If you’re already working for them? If you meet all the criteria? There doesn’t seem to be these kind of things growing on trees. She said she’ll keep pushing me.

[copingintheghetto]

Internet Connection

I wrote something two days ago but it wouldn’t post. I’m gonna see if this posts. I think sleeping on a futon causes me to wake up with back pain so I’m gonna stop doing that. I like typing but it’s kind of irritating when I have nothing to write or the thoughts in my mind would sound like the mutterings of a teenager. So I’ll spare you the nonsensical drama. Everything is OK. 

[copingintheghetto]

T.Rex

We both agreed that once we heard T.Rex we were amazed that we’d never heard them before. Makes me think of delving back into the magazine’s top 500 of all time list again. 

I didn’t make coffee correctly this morning but i intend to do a better job tomorrow morning. 

I’m glad I don’t have to wash my hair tomorrow or go to work (wake up early).  I’m glad the dog hasn’t run out the front door. And I’m glad the air conditioner is working. It’s kind of hot but I don’t mind right now.

[copingintheghetto]

Internal Organs

What is causing the pain? Is it something I ate? Is it anxiety? When will it get better? It feels strange going to work at 9 pm. Do I need a nap? I like to know what’s going on. Whatever.

[copingintheghetto]

Every Day

I’m going to try and write something every day, so not every post will be interesting or informative. Sorry.

https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-positive-affirmations-dont-work/

We’ve got to dig a little deeper, work a little harder, and we’ll be less anxious. I mean, challenge the easy, old-fashioned advice and try something different. I’m referring to the link to the article above.

I’m grateful for a lot today. I’m exhausted in a good way. I wish I could rhyme like A Tribe Called Quest.

[copingintheghetto]

Summer

It was hot today. But there was a breeze. 

I read 100 or so positive affirmations yesterday. Made up for lost time I guess. 

I read somewhere that positive affirmations don’t work because of the alpha or beta waves doing something or whatnot. I can’t remember. The brain is fascinating.

I saw that movie The Dead Don’t Die. I was funny and stupid in a good way. I don’t want to read a movie review ever again (before I watch the movie) because this last review ruined most of the movie for me. I’d already read all the funny/clever lines beforehand so none of it was new. The critic wrote too much. 

Working out is good for anxiety. Not a cure but it’s better than a worthless pill.