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must it always be me

i never thought there would come a day where i feel so cold laying next to you.

i feel even colder than when i warm your always-freezing hands by holding them to my flushed cheeks.

i never thought there would come a day where i feel so far away from you.

i feel even farther away laying next to you right now than when we were thousands of miles apart.

we both lay still — you with your soft snores, me with my torturous thoughts.

every hurting heartbeat feels like a thunderous drum, every traitorous tear feels heavy as it trickles down the side of my face and fills my ears.

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me vs you

“can we not go to bed upset”

“i just want to be done with this”

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if but just

if one day, we could look back on today and laugh --

but not forgetting the lessons we learned;

just that would be enough for a snapshot of a picture perfect photograph.

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i didn’t do it on purpose

i did it and now i’m scared that you’ll see it and be so disappointed in me.

please don’t be scared of me; i’m sorry.

i just couldn’t hold everything in and i was panicking a lot.

i promise i’m trying to be better i’m sorry i don’t know when i became this fucked up in the head i think i felt so invincible that i really thought i could do anything (i still do) and it’s making me go crazy

i feel like you’ve abandoned me or if you haven’t yet, you will soon because i’m fucked up and selfish and mentally ill and i self sabotage unknowingly and knowingly until everyone who thinks they love me realize how difficult i am

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當想你成為習慣

the weather dims so sadly;

it's foggy and gray in such melancholy.

what's behind that gray color? it's loneliness.

i'm seen through by my emotions, leaving me all alone in silence.

as if hearing your voice, asking me if i remember?

how should i respond?

you who lost your way, losing the path of love -- you can't find where i am, and then slowly forgetting.

when missing you becomes habit, being alone whilst saying goodnight,

losing my soul and abandoning my hope, living also became simpler.

silence becomes so natural;

even a hot dinner with warmth from candlelight is unable to thaw the coldness of my heartache.

when missing you becomes regret, being alone can be whole too,

acting out this embarrassment of a lie, waiting for the feelings to fade away.

so much to to be said that it's never ending, yet time passes so, so slowly.

wishing to bid the past farewell, and walk towards the future, so we can get together and part ways easily.

as if hearing your voice, asking me if i remember?

how should i respond?

you who lost your way, losing the path of love -- you can't find where i am, and then slowly forgetting.

when missing you becomes habit, being alone whilst saying goodnight,

losing my soul and abandoning my hope, living also became simpler.

silence becomes so natural;

even a hot dinner with warmth from candlelight is unable to thaw the coldness of my heartache.

when missing you becomes regret, being alone can be whole too,

acting out this embarrassment of a lie, waiting for the feelings to fade away.

so much to to be said that it's never ending, yet time passes so, so slowly.

wishing to bid the past farewell, and walk towards the future, so we can get together and part ways easily.

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for ya

everything beautiful, come for ya

all of my love also, come for ya

baby this is my gift to you

only want to keep you in the bottom of my heart

everything beautiful, come for ya

all of my love also, come for ya

baby this is my gift to you

only want to keep you in the bottom of my heart

about stranger lover

the first time i met you i was immediately starstruck

oh girl the captivating ends of your hair

remember when i kissed you, you backed up shyly

i think of your softness daily

the light fragrance of your hair captivates those who are captivated by you

you know i'm not willing to lose you

no matter how crowded the crowd is, i can still catch you in an instant.

my love, what is wrong?

tell me, who you love?

my love, what is wrong?

tell me, who you love?

liking you is my secret

the depth is like 100,000 meters under the ocean

i appreciate the tranquility of sunrises and sunsets

loving the sky whilst deeply loving you

everything beautiful, come for ya

all of my love also, come for ya

baby this is my gift to you

only want to keep you in the bottom of my heart

everything beautiful, come for ya

all of my love also, come for ya

baby this is my gift to you

only want to keep you in the bottom of my heart

my love, what is wrong?

tell me, who you love?

my love, what is wrong?

tell me, who you love?

liking you is my secret

the depth is like 100,000 meters under the ocean

i appreciate the tranquility of sunrises and sunsets

loving the sky whilst deeply loving you

everything beautiful, come for ya

all of my love also, come for ya

baby this is my gift to you

only want to keep you in the bottom of my heart

everything beautiful, come for ya

all of my love also, come for ya

baby this is my gift to you

only want to keep you in the bottom of my heart

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這就是愛嗎？

are you certain that this is love?

do you really love me?

hand in hand, strolling into the sunset -- acting like this is romance.

two people looking into the distance,

thinking it's love's warmth and clarity.

when i turn to look back, though

my eyes are already blurred with tears.

when the rays of sunset morph into starlight; when love changes directions

you've always been so nervous about love.

but what about the future?

not knowing what's to come tomorrow always makes me hesitant.

who will give me the strength?

i'm not afraid that you don't love me.

only afraid that you think you love me.

holding me tight doesn't mean you have me;

you've never learned to let go.

i'm not afraid that you don't understand how to love me.

only afraid that you've perceived habit as love.

you can't see through what i desire.

two people looking into the distance,

thinking it's love's warmth and clarity.

when i turn to look back, though

my eyes are already blurred with tears.

when the rays of sunset morph into starlight; when love changes directions

you've always been so nervous about love.

but what about the future?

not knowing what's to come tomorrow always makes me hesitant.

who will give me the strength?

i'm not afraid that you don't love me.

only afraid that you think you love me.

holding me tight doesn't mean you have me;

you've never learned to let go.

i'm not afraid that you don't understand how to love me.

only afraid that you've perceived habit as love.

you can't see through what i desire.

i'm not afraid that you don't love me.

only afraid that you think you love me.

holding me tight doesn't mean you have me;

you've never learned to let go.

i'm not afraid that you don't understand how to love me.

only afraid that you've perceived habit as love.

you can't see through what i desire.

oh you can't see through what i desire.

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i am feeling the urge to 割 myself

i feel so alone, and it seems wrong to feel that way when i'm supposed to be in a happy relationship. this is the age-old conundrum of if it's just a road bump or an ominous sign of poisoned roots. i want to believe it's just a road bump, but it's hard to feel that way when it seems like the road is eternally bumpy.

i know it's not the case, but it feels like you've abandoned me to get high. you say that you feel overwhelmed and that you need an escape and that you need a night to yourself, but what are you referring to? other than this (us), i fail to see what is causing you so much stress. unless it's just me because you feel like i'm always on your case, but in that case, it's still just us.

i don't understand why you're staying in a situation that is supposedly causing you so much stress. you've said why -- apparently it's because this is what you want: to be better and to be with me. but even though that's what comes out of your mouth, it doesn't feel that way. i feel miserable having to be on your case. do you think that doesn't cause me stress? it causes me an ungodly amount of stress, and yet, it shouldn't be something I have to stress about.

i'm scared for sunday because i feel like all that's waiting for me is disappointment. i'm gonna ask you what you've thought about, and you'll say something about how you understand why i feel the way i feel and that you know i have a lot on my plate. i'm going to ask you if you washed the cushion covers or swept the floors or thought about actionable solutions you can take to ensure the problems we've discussed are mitigated (since you don't like what I suggest) and you're gonna say no...

and then i'm going to feel the soul crushing disappointment that is eventually going to make me feel absolutely sick to my stomach and i'm gonna spill all my thoughts to you and you'll reassure me that it's all valid, and that i'm right, and that you'll try to be better. this will give me momentary relief and perhaps even a glimmer of hope before i feel deflated again because it's something i know all too well, if not habitual. i'll even tell you this -- that i feel like it's been a repeated occurrence -- and you'll just feel really bad the way you do and say you don't know what to do either.

and after a heartfelt back-and-forth, we will call it resolved because we are tired of fighting and you've convinced me that everything is fine now because you're going to try! and change! and that things are getting better!

each time we have the same conversation, i feel like i'm screaming into a bigger and bigger void. at first, it felt like talking into a cup phone. you were there and could hear me, but not clearly. then, it felt like talking into a cup phone with a broken string. you were there, but you didn't hear me. and then, it felt like i was talking out loud to an empty room. and then, i was screaming in the empty room, feeling crazy and sad and desperate, and you definitely aren't there anymore.

and then, i'll continue drowning myself and tearing myself apart to be with you and love you because that's what i do. i'm selfish and cruel and stupid and i don't know how to let go of anything because of my arrogance that i can do the impossible.

this feels like the manifestation of my deepest darkest thoughts and i don't know what i'm supposed to do with them. a logical person might say -- this is a sign you should end things. however, the thought of ending things seems even darker so it feels like an impasse.

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未來

I always wonder if I'm doing the right thing, whether it's career or life-related. How do people grapple with the feeling of uncertainty regarding the future?

I'm afraid of the passage of time revealing all the mistakes I've unknowingly made, with no way to rectify any of it.

I'm afraid of one day waking up and realizing how unhappy I am and being able to pinpoint all the times where I should have made a different decision.

I'm afraid of one day waking up and realizing how unhappy I am and being unable to pinpoint where everything started going wrong and feeling like I've made an absolute mess of my life.

I'm so afraid of being unhappy.

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他

嗯。。。最近我認識了一個人。他雖然不是我平常喜歡的類型，我其實蠻意外的很喜歡他。雖然我們很快就在一起了，我覺得目前為止我真的可以看到未來的可能性。

說不定我之前考慮的點不是我應該注重的。因為雖然他沒有符合一些我從此以來覺得非要不可的一些點，我真的覺得我能看得到之後可以走的長久的畫面。

他真的對我很好。我沒辦法想像跟他在一起會不開心。當然，在一起久了一定會有 “下” 的時候，但我並不覺得會不開心。我只會覺得是一段感情的起起伏伏，酸甜苦辣，然後那些經歷只會變成以後可以一起回想的記憶。

不管怎麼樣，我很高興能認識到他，也很感謝他對我的好。

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最近

感覺最近很少在用中文 所以決定隨便寫一篇練習一下

但其實我覺得我已經退步了不少

應該是從大學的時候吧

我記得我在五餅二魚的時候中文真的 很～好～

去年在台灣的時候也是有進步不少

但是回來以後就沒什麼機會用中文了

不管是聊天還是讀/寫 都很少在使用

我也不知道要寫什麼 但是不管寫什麼應該都是有練習到吧

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andrew

超 級 暈 船

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even in death

when my time comes around, lay me gently in the cold, dark earth.

no grave can hold my body down.

i'll crawl home to her.

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七里香

"the sparrow outside the window is yapping on the telephone pole."

you said this phrase has a really summery feel to it.

the pen in my hand comes and goes on the paper.

i use a few lines of words to illustrate who you are to me.

the taste of saury, even the cat's eyes, you want to decipher.

just like this, we bring back the fragrant scent of first love.

that warm (sunlight), like freshly picked (brightly-colored strawberries),

you say you can't bear to finish absorbing this kind of feeling.

it rains all night; my love spills over, just like rainwater.

leaves fall in the yard; like my longing, it accumulates a thick pile.

even a few words about right and wrong cannot cool my passion --

you appear on every page of my poetry.

it rains all night; my love spills over, just like rainwater.

butterflies on the window sill, like the beautiful segments flying through the poem.

i continue writing, writing my eternal love for you into the poem's ending.

you are the only one i wish to understand.

it rains all night; my love spills over, just like rainwater.

leaves fall in the yard; like my longing, it accumulates a thick pile.

even a few words about right and wrong cannot cool my passion --

you appear on every page of my poetry.

those plump ears of rice have blessed this season with happiness,

and your cheeks are like the thoroughly ripened tomatoes in the fields.

you suddenly (say to me), orange jasmine (is a beautiful name).

in this moment, i only want to kiss your stubborn mouth.

it rains all night; my love spills over, just like rainwater.

leaves fall in the yard; like my longing, it accumulates a thick pile.

even a few words about right and wrong cannot cool my passion --

you appear on every page of my poetry.

all night, my love spills over, just like rainwater.

butterflies on the window sill, like the beautiful segments flying through the poem.

(i continue writing), oh i'm writing, writing my eternal love for you into the poem's ending.

you are the only one i wish to understand.

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親人

don't untie the ribbon on the present.

the initial feeling of being filled with excitement ultimately becomes corrupted.

don't turn on the midnight channel.

don't let the repeating love songs deceive you.

and love did not teach me how to live.

it only taught me to trade my innocence for vanity.

but, love made us become strangers.

yet, it can't change the deeper parts of our souls.

don't kiss me; just hold me.

don't fall in love with me; be my family.

lend me your hand, for a minute each day.

be my nearest and dearest family, not someone's lover,

or someone's ambiguous something.

even if i'm drenched from head to toe,

i won't let anyone control me ever again.

if i'm still clenching my fists,

i'm probably afraid of my dreams flying away.

and love isn't as omnipotent as you think it is.

it doesn't have the ability to eradicate wars.

but, love's benevolence isn't merciful at all.

whoever loves deeper is the one who is more easily sacrificed.

don't kiss me; just hold me.

don't fall in love with me; be my family.

lend me your hand, just for a minute each day.

allow me to have the courage to dream; be the mighty, smiling, hero in my dreams.

don't kiss me; just hold me.

don't fall in love with me; be my family.

lend me your hand, for a minute each day.

allow me to have the courage to dream; be the mighty, smiling, hero in my dreams.

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delulu 不是 solulu

I know I'm way more down bad for you than you are for me. Strangely, that is one fact I've come to terms with quite easily actually.

You definitely don't think about this as much as I do, and when you do, you definitely think about it with more passive feelings.

I surmise you genuinely believe we've built a friendship.

Good for you. Really.

I'm at the point of the vicious cycle where I feel pathetic and silly for pouring over these intrusive thoughts despite your indifference.

I know you're probably not indifferent. If you do feel anything, it's at a fraction of a level, if even that. You also don't feel the need to express it outwardly.

But in reality, I was arrogant for even thinking you could break my heart. That means something, anything, would have to happen first. But speaking from a completely subjective first party observer, nothing is going to happen because I'm not delusional enough to actually believe you have the urge to do anything at all.

嗯 就是這樣

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making sense of things

Sometimes, I feel like it's ridiculous of me to be thinking of you. In moments like those, I forget what it's like to miss somebody, or even just the feeling of their presence. The emotions that are elicited from the thoughts of you are genuinely indifference.

And then, there are moments where I'm transported to two months ago where I didn't know if I could reach farther depths of rock bottom. However, these moments are fleeting to the point where I wonder if I imagined it. I supposed if I thought it, it's the same as experiencing it. Regardless, it's confusing.

Today, I keep trying to make sense of how I feel and what I'm thinking. I feel so sure that I've moved on, and then I feel like I haven't. I feel so jealous that you're going on dates with her, but then I ponder the hypothetical situation of us being together and I don't like that scenario either. What does this mean?

These are my initial conjectures, so they're a bit rough, but here it is:

Perhaps I perceive you to be a failure, a "task" I was "unable" to "fulfill" or "satisfy."

Maybe I have this insatiable urge to be liked and wanted by you because I view it as something to be accomplished. The task of obtaining a place in your life has become something that I was "unable" to "do."

And when I see the possibility that someone other than me can "accomplish" this "task" that I was unable to "do," it magnifies this perception that I had failed.

Hence, the jealousy.

I know that logically, nothing about this is a task or something to be accomplished. Two people going their separate ways has no negative or positive connotation.

It just...is.

But, being logical has never been my strongest suit, only the act of rationalization -- which often blurs itself with neuroticism for me.

This is all easy to contain because you're so far away. I say that we should hang out when or if we are in close proximity. But like this proxy of a friendship we have in place, I know it's not what we should do. Or at least, it's not something I should do.

I already know that if we cross the line, you'll break my heart. However, it's arguably so that I'd have broken my own heart.