cracka1604 - Tumblr blog

[cracka1604]

social media is horrible

i quit

[cracka1604]

oh ho ho ho ho - C

hi, cracka again. life is boring, like boring boring. and sad. life is sad for no reason. is you guyses life like that? you just feel sad for no reason a ton? i should be happy right now, school year is almost over and i finally get to rest, fun fact: im crying over my finals papers while writing this. im failing everything.

ignorance

lately i've decided to just say no to working anymore, what is the point? i cant even get a job because of my mental illnesses anyways. this just seems like a waste of time, i probably wont even live past 18, im gonna be honest. if i do i bet i'll be homeless and resorting to crime anyways.

the future is coming on

hey its just like that one gorillaz song but, my future is finally catching up to me, i have a lot of responsibilities right now, and all im doing is ignoring them. i should really work on them, but i dont see the point after working for a while, what does this do for me and others? this seems useless to do, etc. etc. i dont like my mindset of "hey this doesnt seem worthwhile"

nights up bleeding in my bathtub

lately i've been staying up most nights, some of them i cut myself in the bathtub. i really gotta stop doing that, theres no gain in it, and i just feel worse. i need to do something else with my time other than wallow and mope in my own problems instead of fixing them or trying to relax before fixing them god i hate myself

[cracka1604]

if you see this, please reblog with your zodiac sign, if you’re an older/middle/younger sibling or an only child, and the household task you hate doing the most

[cracka1604]

sure i guess - C

sup internet, cracka here. is it bad that this week i have spent mostly doing nothing, playing baseball, stealing, and reflecting on my life? reflecting a lot i must add. im not a good person but that doesnt change the fact that others love me for who i am, yes im still on that topic. self love is something i have a lot of trouble with, i have done horrible things in my life. such horrible things, i regret them a lot. im not a good person by any means, but i think everyone isnt if you judge them on their decisions in life instead of their personality. i ask of you reader, look in the mirror after this and think of people who love you, why do they love you? if you dont know this assume why. why should you love yourself? dont think about things of the past, think about recent, good events. what rights have you done? how many people have you made smile or laugh recently? you are a good person reader, i know it.

baseball

mentioned last post, i played baseball. i crossdressed and mostly played outfield, got yelled at by my friends, hell and people i've never even met before, talked about dead by daylight and left. but it was fun, i think the mere group of people was so interesting to me, all these new faces and names i've never seen and heard before was so exhilarating, but as soon as i got home i just felt nothing. i was fucking exhausted, sore, and awful feeling. but in the moment i was so *alive* and just... there. i was in the groove you know? i think this is a good representation of myself, in the moment im energetic and out there, but by myself or out of a group im so... dead. im still and motionless. in these moments i normally get sad or something like that but again, im just out of it, dead. it was fun though, i look forward to playing again with the group. oh, and the names of the teams were GOONERS and EDGERS. im not joking. i was a GOONER.

the fear of missing out

i must admit, i have a great fear of missing out on things. especially with events or similar things. im not a very 'talk first' kinda gal, most of the time i wait for other people to talk first to me, and if i want them to talk to me i dont talk to them, i just hope they can read my mind and talk to me. im a weird person, but every time someone talks about an event to me or something that has or is happening i just think in my head "damn, i wish i was/is there..." its quite annoying, i wish i didnt have the impulse of agreeing to every offer of hanging out or checking my phone every 5 seconds just staring at my inbox or dms list.

im weird

very weird

the weekend

for those out of the loop its kinda the weekend right now its quite odd how im very very greatful for this weekend unlike others most of the time i just go: 'hey, its the weekend, nice, no school!' and i go about my day not having to worry about anything but right now, im very very happy that its the weekend for some reason, i have no idea why but im just glad. maybe its the fact that i can rest, or spend time with others, i dont know. i just like the fact that im here and living right now, or something i dont know

but anyways, im tired, its late, and im cracka signing off

[cracka1604]

[cracka1604]

my arm hurts - C

hey, its cracka back at it again, on the tumblr, i be living.

baseball

tomorrow im playing baseball with some friends of mine, i am quite excited yet scared. i have decided this is the first time im publicly going out in 'feminine' clothing, i've held off on this for a while, and im using "its a joke, thought it would be funny" as an excuse for the past week so i guess im writing it off as that. on top of that i havent played baseball in years, im probably rusty as fuck, but who cares, having fun is all that matters. i'll probably still bawl my eyes out afterwards anyways.

feeling a little blue

i dont know what it is lately, but i havent been feeling the best, especially after my mental breakdown last night. i want to do things less, im super fucking exhausted, and im back into the shitty habit of cutting, so much so im tearing up my old clothes and staining my phone red again. i wish i wasnt scared to reach out to others, i feel like i'll make someone sad, or worry about me too much. im scared of disappointing others or scaring them, i dont want people to worry about me. but for some reason at the same time i do, im so fucking weird.

loud music

i love loud music, especially bass heavy music. the thumping kicks and screeching vocals, or the chill melodic thumps and rhymes of some shitty hyperpop kid. whatever it is i enjoy it, especially if its extremely loud and scratchy sounding guitar... fuck im a sucker for that stuff. i've recently got back into listening to music while doing just about anything and damn i love it i love music maybe i love it too much

job issues

i feel like i should talk about my troubles with getting a job. i have recently started applying to local places that are quite straight forward jobs, like a cashier, or cook, just basic shit like that. so far i have applied to ~5 or 6 and i have not even been considered at any of them. the thing is, the interviewers face is quite normal, until he looks near the bottom of my resume, which contains my mental illnesses, because i thought i should let them know, its a nice gesture, right? apparently not, i guess i am seen as more of an issue than an asset to companies, from what i've heard you dont *need* those on your resume so i'll probably remove them when i try to get a job again, because honestly fuck those companies that i cant list, they're all dicks. yeah if you guys are reading this fuck you. you guys are cool though, i love you all, i appreciate you for reading this over and out past the grain fields cracka.

[cracka1604]

[cracka1604]

regret - C

hello, cracka here

theres blood on my phone, i forgot about that. i should probably tell you about last night, it wasnt very good. last night i had probably the worst mental breakdown i've ever had, thankfully i didnt do anything stupid other than cutting and attempting suicide. but other than that i didnt do many stupid things. the reason it was sparked is quite personal but i regret what i have done and i hope nothing ever trumps that moment i've had. i thought i was undeserving of so much and that so many people would be better off without me, i am wrong. people love me and i should love myself. i am deserving of everyones love, people will remember and miss me if i passed. and at least one person will visit my grave, maybe every day, maybe every month, and leave flowers, maybe have a picnic over me. please know reader, you will be remembered, too. one person in your life will visit your grave every day or month and leave flowers. you mean a lot to people that you talk to every day, your friends, and if your in a relationship they definitely care about you, too. i hope nobody does what i do to cope with things. i hope everyone loves their selves, because everyone deserves to be loved, especially by themselves.

i've been getting back into old hobbies with some friends of mine, its good. i havent gotten very far with it so far but im looking forward to what i will and can do and how much fun i can have. hobbies are good, something to look forward to. i should get more hobbies, maybe painting or hell, even just trying to make clean up fun. ... i should really clean up my room though.

but for now, im just gonna sleep. goodnight, everyone, see you on the flipside with all my love, cracka

[cracka1604]

[cracka1604]

sup - C

hi, cracka here you know shits bad when your activity graph looks like this

so um, hi, how are you? cool, nice, awesome. im sick right now, it isnt nice, kinda sucks that some of my favorite games updated too and im just sitting in my bed puking into a bucket life is a double edged sword i guess, but theres always tomorrow yk?

i bought some pins yesterday, they look nice

the other one is for my significant other, but it also looks really nice :) i dont like that im hyperfixating over some fucking bits of pointy metal on a bag right now but at the same time damn i love pins so fucking much...

but um, yeah lifes been pretty boring right now, especially with finals soon and the school year ending im not really doing much other than trying to live, but since i've had some free time i might as well just talk about whats going on right now, right? yeah but anyways its boring right now, sorry for the lack of activity. with all my love, cracka over and out over the smokestacks or something

[cracka1604]

sand beneath my feet - C

hello, cracka again 2 days ago i went to the beach with my significant other i dont really want to go into detail or show pictures, as thats kinda the one part about my life i dont want people prying into. i just think it is to personal, i am sorry. though, it was fun, one day i hope we go to the beach again.

do you ever think about dying? like, actually. just think about it, imminent death, losing it all, and being powerless. its sad, isnt it? just really... *think*. everything you worked for, gone. i fear death, but sometimes i idolize it. death is such a double edged sword. when i die i will miss everyone dearly, my significant other and friends are the only thing i really live for. i appreciate you all.

this ending part has TW for suicide, drugs, rape, and pedophilia, please read with caution.

i have played a quite satirical game recently, although it had a very serious meaning behind it. the game was about a sociopathic teenager, who, in the first cutscene witnessed her father shoot himself after moving 7 schools and living with her mother who had just divorced him. she had since moved to a school riddled with (mostly) rapist students, and pedophilic teachers. the rest of the students mentioned are super weird, or drug addicts. the main character, is among the drug addicts and a large manipulator. she had quite literally convinced someone to jump off a roof and promptly kill himself 20 minutes later for her, and then goes on to vlog about it to great success. or 'accidentally' turns the entirety of said school into white supremacists and gets the school bombed. but thats beside the point, outside of this her life is quite sad. her mom is also a druggie, and an alcoholic. her brother is also a pedophilic, 26 year old, obese, freeloading piece of garbage. and her herself utterly hates school and everyone at it except for 2 or 3 people and constantly thinks about suicide. (hell, one of the endings she literally considers suicide as an alternative to all her problems at the time, being that she accidentally went all buddy buddy with everyone at school and doesnt feel like telling them to fuck off as she is 'too far to do it now' as 'everyone will just get super pissed and turn on me' and the player is given the option to carry this out (and her mother, quite sadly walks in on her bleeding out) ) i think this game is an interesting, although extremely satirical take on school systems and our fucked up government. i relate with it sometimes, its a very good game.

anyways, after that massive ted talk about how i love games that hate what turn the world took i'll head to bed, its literally 3 am for me right now lol cracka, out.

[cracka1604]

[cracka1604]

i don't smoke for the obvious reasons of not wanting to develop an addiction to nicotine but god do i so often feel the emotion 'i need a cigarette'.

[cracka1604]

damage i swear your infecting my tl with shadow and personally i dont mind if its more shit like this

[cracka1604]

This tweet saved so many lives actually

[cracka1604]

riding rough - C

jello, cracka here today was my last day of therapy, thank god. i didnt like it at all, i must specify, this was group therapy, so it wasnt all the best. sure, i met some good people i wish i could still talk to but other than that im glad to get 3 hours of my free time back almost every day of the week. it didnt help much but, hey, i had an outlet to talk to people on mondays at least.

i've been trying to do more cooking, get off my ass more. i encourage it, sure, it takes time but once you get into the flow of it and stop worrying "wait did i cook this all the way?" n shit like that its pretty fun. anyways, i made steak w/ steamed veggies & macaroni ... super basic i know but i enjoyed it.

i like parks. they are nice, a lot of my childhood memories are from parks. i do kinda wish i was a child again, life is so hard, but i must prevail, life is like a roller coaster sometimes it goes up, sometimes it goes down. and when it does go down it goes right back up afterwards.

i hate it here

i hope you had a good day, sorry this is quite short, nothing really interesting has been happening lately i guess i might start telling stories, though im unsure. goodnight, good morning, good whatever. im cracka, signing out.

[cracka1604]

they meet