creativitysaveme

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[creativitysaveme]

Dysthymia

This weekend I briefly explained my mental disorder to a friend as “everlasting and rarely times I can see through my own fog of doom and gloom”. Yes, I know I’m being ridiculous when I speak of the end of the world and yes I feel like trash when I don’t move from my bed for the entire weekend, I’m always telling myself nothing really matters in the end. I forget about my disorder because it has become my reality, it never leaves or lets up. Every once in a while I go with out it, and I don’t realize it’s gone until it’s back. Lately I have found it much easier to control my mood and do the things I love but every day is different, I’m either way in the bottom of the dumps or floating somewhere near the top of them. Every once in a while, when my brain decides to produce what it is meant to, I’m completely out of them. Trying to do anything of value seems impossible, going to school and dropping out feels like what I was meant to do because I feel as though I could never finish. To be dedicated and willing to work towards anything, even my biggest passions, on and off for four years to make a better life for myself doesn’t feel worth it. The only reason i’m not so pissed off is because dysthymia has taught me one thing, don’t regret and don’t look back, I had to wrestle with that for a while. The past few months have been a rollercoaster but I’ve handled my emotions well, I’ve shown up when I’ve needed to, and most importantly I’m taking my time. 

I am currently motivated enough to get my yoga teacher training certificate and I’m so happy I have started my journey. Yoga has been so much more to me than a work out or a way to get together with friends. I’ve been able to find my center, to be at peace with where I am and where I am going. I am treating others with kindness always, making space for anyone and everyone. I am treating myself with more love, working into my routine. I’ve always known who I want to be, the journey has always looked daunting and long but I’ve got one life to live. I’ve got one soul, one body, and one disfunction-ing brain and I’m doing what I can to live a happy life. It’s a bit easier than I thought it would be, but those feelings always change.

[creativitysaveme]

ALICE NOTLEY x HODA ROSTAMI

‘In The Pines’, from In The Pines: Poems (2007);

The fear of being found (2014), from the Hidden City series

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Moving in the Right Direction

Travel, creativity, passion, and capital are the things that move me and the ladder force me to get out of bed in the morning. Over the past few months I’ve been becoming an adult, paying bills, balancing all the things I need in my life. In a few weeks I will be traveling a ton and that needs money. Money to take care of all the things at home and on the road. I’ve been presented new opportunities at work to gain more hours and keep growing my skill set. The thing I am most excited for is being paid to preform a concert in my local art trail. Being out of school has provided me more time to focus on my music and getting more into photography. This is the first time in a while that I feel the time I’m putting into these outlets is giving back to me. I am excited to get into practice with my band mates and ready to get out and shoot when I can. I still get discouraged every once in a while, but when I can push back against that feeling and still get out there, the feeling of accomplishment gives me so much joy. I know this time will be such a small part of my journey but right now in this moment I feel more satisfied with my work than ever before. Here are to more hours of practice and many more rolls of film, thank you for this growth.

[creativitysaveme]

Not Knowing Where to Start is an Anxiety Ridden Household

Being on the edge of adulthood teetering between giggles and finances can do damage on an otherwise happy person. Growing up all of my needs were met, I always had clothes that fit well, shoes with out holes, food in-front of me, and a house always with electricity and running water. I still have all of these things now but not just a whole bunch of wiggle room for things that aren’t necessities. Becoming smart with my money has definitely come with me making stupid decisions/mistakes financially. Now on to the title of this whole thing, I am at a pivotal point in my life where there is so much to get done. I need to become more knowledgable in the art of growing up. Budgeting, succeeding at a job I enjoy, where to invest my time and money, and what I find most important, when and how to say yes or no. I know that making a few mistakes along the way is not going to be the end of great and capable Ramsey as we know it, but I can’t help but feel that is the case most of the time. I am terrible at asking for help when it comes to things I feel I should know, but I think that’s where I need to start.

Groovy! I didn’t think I would figure out this one just in a paragraph of brain vomit. 

[creativitysaveme]

pretty in pink

Los Angeles, CA

[creativitysaveme]

[creativitysaveme]

I Have a Better Idea of How My Life is Going to Be.

It’s with a gleam in his eyes.

It’s with a curiosity in my head.

It’s with us happy.

We are making the move out of Lubbock in a few months. I will finally leave the place I know better than anything else, it’s been a long time coming. Part of me wants to hold off and ‘get to know the people here a bit better’, but if we’re being honest, that’s my head telling me I can fail out there and why should I face a challenge so daunting. The City presents so many more opportunities, old friends to reconnect with, new career paths to chase after, and a plethora of experiences to become familiar with. Grocery stores to explore, side walks to memorize, parks to be broken in by my favorite picnic basket, and songs to develop new meanings with the different monotony of an unusual environment. Excitement can motivate us to do out of balance things, but so can sadness and the urge to grow. All in all it will be a life changing move.