creekcreekcrystalcreek

[creekcreekcrystalcreek]

I talk to the moon sometimes

I tell her your name

All the wonderful things you do for me

All the beautiful things you make me feel

All the amazing things that make being a human so great

I scream at the moon sometimes

I curse her for the way she makes me feel

I yell at her "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT"

When I know it is really mine

I spit nasty words at her

For putting me through the awful things I've experienced

I sit with the moon sometimes

In silence as I watch her lazily cross the sky

Passing the stars

Shining through the clouds

Not bothered when they block her out

The moon is my friend

I tell her everything

The moon is my enemy

She caused everything that happened to me

The moon is my teacher

I learn all the best lessons from her

Including how to love

When there is nothing but darkness

[creekcreekcrystalcreek]

I drove past your house today

"On accident"

But it wasn't an accident

I saw your car in the driveway

And oh, how terribly I wanted to go in

To see you on your bed

Watching your shows

Playing your games

And oh, how I wanted to lay next to you

To snuggle up to you

To kiss you again

I'm with him now

But I'm afraid

Terrified

And almost certain

That a piece of me will always be with you

Just like a piece of you

Will always be with me

[creekcreekcrystalcreek]

I am terrified

That one day I will wake up

And everyone I love will see me

The way I see myself

Ugly

Useless

Unlovable

Unworthy

I'm trying to love myself

And ignore my usual thoughts

Because I want to see myself

The way everyone that loves me sees me

Beautiful

Important

Lovely

Worthy

Loved

[creekcreekcrystalcreek]

My body isn't mine

It belongs to the men who have touched me

The ones whose hands roamed

Places hands had never been before

Places I didn't ask them to touch

My body isn't mine

It belongs to the eyes of the wolves

The ones who gaze at it longingly

As if it were prey

Maybe it is

Maybe I am

My body isn't mine

It belongs to the men

The ones who sexualize me

Objectify me

The ones who only see what is on the outside

Not what's on the inside

Not that I am a person

Only that I am a sex toy

A pleasurable picture

An object to be passed around

My body isn't mine

And I'm afraid it never will be again

[creekcreekcrystalcreek]

Shit

Fuck

GodDAMMIT

Fucking SHIT

FUCK

*bangs hands against steering wheel*

SHIT

FUCKING FUCK

FUCK

*incoherent screaming*

*silence*

*heavy sigh*

.... shit

~transcription of me ruining everything I touch

[creekcreekcrystalcreek]

I can feel you starting to fade

Like sand through my fingers,

You fall away from my mind

I don't think of you as often anymore

I don't look for you in the places I go

I don't wonder if you're thinking about me

I don't wish we could reconnect

I'm finally letting go

When you've made it abundantly clear

That you already did

Long ago

[creekcreekcrystalcreek]

I leave my ringer on all night

On the off chance that you call me

I don't want to miss hearing your voice

If you ever decide you miss hearing mine

I know you won't call, though

Your ego is too big for that

I won't call you either

My pain is too great for that

But still

If you should need me in the middle of the night

Even years from now

I'll leave my ringer on for you

And answer as if we just talked yesterday

[creekcreekcrystalcreek]

I understand why you did it

I think that makes it harder

Because I've been where you are

Overwhelmed

Lost

Scared

And I can't hate you for it

Not even a little bit

No matter how much I want to

Everytime I get angry

It fizzles out quickly

Because I feel I don't have the right to be angry

I don't have the right to feel anything negative

You were doing what was best for you

How can I fault you for that?

Sometimes protecting your own peace

Means hurting those who love you

I just wish I wasn't the only one you hurt

[creekcreekcrystalcreek]

I cover my mouth

I have to

Otherwise the words will escape me

Crawl out of my throat

Move my tongue

Separate my lips

Drip down my chin

And spill across the distance between us

Fill the space faster than I can apologize

Faster than I can shut my mouth

Faster than I can swallow the words down

I don't want the words to reach you

I don't want the words at all

I'd be content if they stayed inside me

Hidden away from the light

Where only I can hear them

And hear their echoes as they bounce around my mind

Going around and around

Until I feel suffocated

Like being in a tornado

Like being in a whirlpool

Will they ever stop?

Will there ever be silence?

Will I ever be free from the words that I can't contain?

[creekcreekcrystalcreek]

I'm getting attached

I can feel my claws piercing his flesh

Digging into his chest

Wrapping around his heart

Squeezing the life out of it

Why am I like this?

I think the better question is

Why can't I stop myself?

I watch as I do these things

With wide, horrified eyes I watch

As the life leaves his

As he utters the words

"Why would you hurt me

As you smile and say you love me?"

All I can do is shake my head and cry

My body has a mind of its own

And it craves the hearts of men

And is terrified of being alone

If I collect enough hearts

Will the sound of their beating drown out my thoughts?

If I rip them out of their chests fast enough

Will I be able to run before they realize it's too late?

I don't want to be like this

I don't know why I am

But I don't know how to stop

I don't know how to stop myself from hurting the people I love...

[creekcreekcrystalcreek]

I can't let him in

He can't get too close

Close enough to touch

And he'll hurt me

Or I think he will

You did

I let you in

You got too close

Close enough to touch

And then you hurt me

So I'll keep him at arms length

I won't tell him too much

I won't let him see the parts of me that are still sensitive

I'll make jokes to distract from the fact that I'm scared

"Sorry, I make bad dad jokes when I'm nervous

It's a problem"

When actually the problem is me

The problem has always been me

I am always the problem

[creekcreekcrystalcreek]

I don't like zoos. I'm sure I did at one point in my life, before I realized what they mean to me. I sympathize with the animals. Not just because I think it's somewhat cruel to keep them here for our entertainment instead of out in the wild where they belong (although that is a solid reason), but because I feel like I'm trapped in a cage, too.

I stalk along the thick plastic that separates me from the outside world, watching as people pass, thinking me nothing more than a pitiful creature. I know where the food comes from and I sit and wait dutifully as it falls into my mouth at the same time everyday. There's plants, to keep me sane and make it smell nice. There's places to make it feel like a cave when the sun is out and I feel the need to hide. There's even lights that change colors to make it nicer to look at. But none of that changes the fact that it is still a cage. And I am still trapped.

A prisoner to circumstances that I simultaneously have no control and all the control over. Decisions that are wholly mine to make and also made for me. Lessons that are taught kindly and are learned harshly. I watch all of this through the bars, wondering when I can make my escape, and then wondering if I even want to. The outside world is not known to me, and therefore is fear inducing. But what else is out there? I feel I must find out. Until I am released or manage to get myself out, I'll never know. Forever trapped until death, just like those poor animals...

[creekcreekcrystalcreek]

They say time heals all wounds

But I don't want to wait

I don't want this pain

The thought of you causing my lungs to collapse

Forcing a railroad spike through my heart

Making it hard to breathe

How do I make it stop?

When will it end?

I can't take this anymore

I don't want it

[creekcreekcrystalcreek]

I cried in front of him tonight

It's all your fault

Because you see, it seems I have a type

And it all revolves around you

Apparently, I will compare all the men I meet

To you

And when they do something

That you would have done

It will send me into a panic

With a flood of emotions and memories

Coming to sweep me away

He was nice about it

He tried his best to understand

But how can I tell him

That I still love you

And that's why I can't love him?

How do I tell him

That he has to deal with the shards of my heart

That you broke to pieces?

How do I let him know

That none of this is his fault

Without telling him

That you're the one who made me like this?

I don't think he's the one

I never did

But I hoped that maybe

Just maybe

He would help to fill the void

The you-sized hole inside me

And that was cruel of me

Because no one can replace you

No matter how hard I try

[creekcreekcrystalcreek]

I love you

I hate you

I miss you

I never want to see you again

I think about you all the time

I hate myself for it

I think about you when I'm with him

I hate you for it

I think I like him

I can't trust him because of you

I don't want to hate you

I don't want to be angry

I wanted you so terribly

And I'm afraid that I still do

What would happen if you told me you still want me?

Would I jump into your arms?

Would I scream and yell at you for leaving me?

I don't know

I don't know...

I don't like him

He's not you

But I think I'm starting to feel something for him

And that scares me

Because what if I do like him?

What if I fall for him like I fell for you?

What if he leaves me like you did?

Where will I be then?

Just as broken as I am now?

How do I learn to trust again?

Can I even trust anyone?

I thought I could trust you...

I was wrong

[creekcreekcrystalcreek]

The pillow and blanket I loaned you

That you gave back

Don't smell like you anymore

And I'm devastated

How was I supposed to keep the smell there?

How was I supposed to keep you here?

What could I have done differently?

What should I have done to make you stay?

These are the questions I'll keep asking myself

Until it drives me mad

[creekcreekcrystalcreek]

I still remember

When you would tuck my feet in the blanket

Because I told you

"The demons will get me if I don't"

I let my feet hang outside of it now

I don't care if the demons get me

It'd be preferable to how I feel

Now that I've lost you