crestfallenna - Tumblr blog

[crestfallenna]

The things I'd give for this.

[crestfallenna]

❤️💚 It's beautiful!

Forest-green name moodboard for Andromeda Requested by @softsaturniids

[crestfallenna]

3d discord server💕

I made an 3d server on discord!! We can motivate each other, share th!nsp0/motivation quotes, mealsp0 and just talk about wl and our goals in general. The server is for everyone no matter age, gender, size, WHATEVERRR

Lmk if your interested💕💕

(Please reblog ✨💕)

[crestfallenna]

reblog this to remind the person you reblogged it from that theyre loved

[crestfallenna]

every character playlist has the

-song where the lyrics are disturbingly on the nose

-song that doesnt suit the character but you havent taken it out cuz its a banger

-bad song that stays because it suits the character so good

-last five songs that may or may not stay depending on whether or not they pass the test of sitting in the list for a week

-oleander by mother mother

[crestfallenna]

the fact that i'm no longer the same age as the protagonists of novels and films i once connected to is so heartbreaking. there was a time when I looked forward to turning their age. i did. and i also outgrew them. i continue to age, but they don't; never will. the immortality of fiction is beautiful, but cruel.

[crestfallenna]

"Some days I’m Van Gogh’s Starry Night other days I’m his suicide letter."

[crestfallenna]

UPDATE: 2 hours later

I got beaten up, pretty bad, not kidding. He grabbed me by my hair so many times that now they won't stop falling each time I run my hand through it. My leg hurts bad right now, it's stinging because I peeled off the upper skin completely as most of it had already peeled off.

My lower back, oh it hurts bad. I lost the number of slaps, kicks and punches. My mother and brother came in between because he was actually acting like a crazy person. He is crazy, a mentally ill man who thinks he is superior to everyone else. I feel bad for my mother and brother, but then again, they all are the same.

Yesterday I had a fever and I slept after saying that I was going to lie down for just 10 minutes because of headache and weakness. My mom woke me up and she screamed at me for 30 minutes. I started crying because I already was not feeling well. I begged her to stop, I was actually feeling horrible. But she just kept on screaming even more and threatening that she is going to hit me a lot.

My brother also fought with me over his screen time. My mom had told me to only allow him to watch his iPad for 30 minutes, I gave him 15 minutes extra and he still fought a lot...the way he argued was so similar to his father's, attacking with sentences which have no relation with the current issue, saying bad stuff, and when asked for reason, as to why? what did I do wrong?...then going silent after muttering a few more things.

Pretty bad night. It's past midnight. I have to stay awake till 3 in the morning to study as usual. but I think I am just going to watch some random videos.

Also while he was hitting me, I was so detached from everything, so numb, that my intrusive thoughts took over me and I let out a giggle. You should have seen his face, it was priceless. I also caught the look on my brother's face...he looked at me the way I look at my father.

I thought I would cry and shit but I am feeling really numb right now too, as I am writing all of this, I honestly feel better. My safe heaven.

Looking at the positive side of the day-> My skin looks nice, and I ate around 450 calories. If I eat fruits now, it will be 100cal more.

⨾ଓ 🪷 ☀️🌙✨

I have been speaking up recently, standing up for myself. Well...by recently I mean 2 days.

It is the same each time.

I feel blue, I do not feel scared of defending myself when my parents out of the blue say the vilest things, just because they had a bad day.

I defend myself. They say I answer back and I am a bad child.

Weird...given that I am really conscious of my words, hyperaware of everyone's facial expressions, their tone, hypersensitive to everything

I try so hard to be kind, to say the most sweetest thing, give compliments, forgive.

But all my efforts go in vain. Because in the end, my test scores define me (good but not the top)

I downloaded a pdf on a book about childhood sexual abuse. Its like a workbook/healing book.

The title makes me a little proud. Haven't felt proud since a long long time. I feel better.

10 minutes ago my dad was verbally abusing me and he almost hit me too. I was so blue that I made sure not to flinch. It made me feel powerful. I actually spoke well. Spoke in clear and strong sentences while he tried to remember anything to hit me. He went from saying that I am bad at studies to how I fast one day and eat a lot the very next day. He said that I am a liar. He said that it was all my fault, that I made him angry. Finally, he lost it and blamed me for being disrespectful because I am weak as I had cried in the morning.

I know this part did not make sense. I tried to, I really did. Every single conversation with my dad is so confusing. It is so hard to make sense of anything. How the reasons for his anger can go from my weight to my marks to my face to my walking speed, to my shower time, to my hair. Just anything.

I did try writing a diary...but this is so much better. There is at least one person in this world who came across this and heard me, my side.

“Everyone has the right to tell the truth about her own life.” ― Ellen Bass, The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual

[crestfallenna]

⨾ଓ 🪷 ☀️🌙✨

I have been speaking up recently, standing up for myself. Well...by recently I mean 2 days.

It is the same each time.

I feel blue, I do not feel scared of defending myself when my parents out of the blue say the vilest things, just because they had a bad day.

I defend myself. They say I answer back and I am a bad child.

Weird...given that I am really conscious of my words, hyperaware of everyone's facial expressions, their tone, hypersensitive to everything

I try so hard to be kind, to say the most sweetest thing, give compliments, forgive.

But all my efforts go in vain. Because in the end, my test scores define me (good but not the top)

I downloaded a pdf on a book about childhood sexual abuse. Its like a workbook/healing book.

The title makes me a little proud. Haven't felt proud since a long long time. I feel better.

10 minutes ago my dad was verbally abusing me and he almost hit me too. I was so blue that I made sure not to flinch. It made me feel powerful. I actually spoke well. Spoke in clear and strong sentences while he tried to remember anything to hit me. He went from saying that I am bad at studies to how I fast one day and eat a lot the very next day. He said that I am a liar. He said that it was all my fault, that I made him angry. Finally, he lost it and blamed me for being disrespectful because I am weak as I had cried in the morning.

I know this part did not make sense. I tried to, I really did. Every single conversation with my dad is so confusing. It is so hard to make sense of anything. How the reasons for his anger can go from my weight to my marks to my face to my walking speed, to my shower time, to my hair. Just anything.

I did try writing a diary...but this is so much better. There is at least one person in this world who came across this and heard me, my side.

“Everyone has the right to tell the truth about her own life.” ― Ellen Bass, The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual

[crestfallenna]

The start of the poem reminded me of my fears. Fear of telling my mother about her husband sexually abusing me.

I remember she once told me to tell her anything, even if a relative does it, or even my father. I was a little shocked-father?

Only if I knew.

I do not know how I am going to do it. I will, I have to. I will not be able to live with myself if I do not tell my family about it.

How will she react? What will she even do? what can she even do? She already confessed to me once that she will not leave him despite the domestic violence because she cannot support our financial expenses on her own.

What will he do if she confronts him?

I recently asked him a random question.

If God had to send you to heaven or hell, in which would he send you to?

He straight away answered heaven. I asked him again, but the answer did not change. He had a confident smile plastered on his face as he went back to talking with my mother, I went back to my headspace, trying to hold back the hot tears about to fall out.

i heard through the grapevine you said an honest word

one day i am going to write a book and my mother will tear it to pieces and my sister will look away when it is mentioned and my father will never speak of it at all and my uncle will stop talking to me and my aunt will look so tired and my other aunt will say you had no right. one day my cousins will see a book dusty and waiting on a library shelf that their parents do not allow in the house and one day my other cousin will make jokes about it while his sister will hold me close. they will both be so, so uncomfortable. one day i will publish a book and it will be the bravest most shameful thing i have ever done and i will stop being able to tell people my surname. stop living in this city, this town. erase myself. it will be a kind of death but maybe i will outlast all of them instead —die old, not young like i always thought i would —old enough i can take a single honest breath. either way it is a rotten legacy. as common as an overripe grape and the vine buckling under its weight. children crushed to fine wine underfoot. i hope someone tastes it and says it's sweet.

[crestfallenna]

My greatest fear is becoming like my parents.

[crestfallenna]

this,

Growing up with someone who kept on judging you, pointing out when you were doing even the most normal things ever (as having a cookie at 4/5PM), but in a repetitive and kinda abusive way, is really painful. It shakes you from the inside. It makes you doubt about what you do, about you being wrong, not being enough. Especially if it's the cherry on top of many other abusive behaviours you have experienced.

It's something that probably your caregiver, being triggered themselves by that same action, cannot consciously understand nor refrain from doing. It's their mind going "Oh, they're doing this thing! Point it out! They're worse than you, yay!", cause of how they probably had to grow up as well, being judged, being accused for no particular reason. Maybe sometimes they still do that same action, but in their mind they feel as if it's wrong or aren't behaving (even if nobody judges them directly anymore, their mind is simply wired that way). They probably always felt a second choice compared with someone else in their family, not smart or good enough, they may have felt guilty too after doing any normal action, and now they seek comfort in judging others and feeling better than them. And seek validation from others as well, by pointing these things out loud too, in a repetitive way. Making you feel even worse. They may even compare what you do to other people that they normally consider "bad", people they like to watch and judge a lot, and point out their mistakes or quirks too. This ofc can only make it worse to you, cause your unconscious mind reads this as "You're as bad as them in your caregiver's mind". And it makes you shut down entirely and give up or stop your action. Which, instead, makes your caregiver get offended: "I was only saying, why do you stop?". And this starts a new situation: you are getting a double opposite feedback. And you don't know what to trust. You cannot trust someone that gaslights and manipulates you. But it's still their mind, not letting them see what they are doing to you, not letting them realize is what they have been going through all their life and are repeating onto you. They cannot stop or see the reason behind all that they are doing, they cannot understand that they are hurting you, even if they went through the same. Minds work so subtly at times.

But please, you. Try your best to let them be. Focus on you, do what you want and let your caregiver speak. Don't take their words so deeply into you. I know they pain you, I know. But focus on what makes you happy and, despite the abuse (which is hard to not pay attention too), find your way to complete any action you were doing that was supposed to make yourself happy, and to take care of yourself. Maybe tell your caregiver they are hurting you with their words. Talk with them, help them realize. Or just pretend they're not there. I know it's very hard, but I also know you can make it. You come first. and you're not doing anything wrong, despite what your caregivers' mind wants you to think. Push away from you their own trauma. It's not yours. It's not you.

This doesn't have to happen only with your caregivers tbh. It can happen also in other type of relationships. Your family though, may make these type of thoughts much more rooted inside of you cause you have been forming a lot of your emotional side in your early days. But whatever is the type of abusive relationship you may have experienced, please, try to find your peace of mind, to get away from it at least mentally. To stand your ground and talk things out (but ofc if it's someone way too abusive, just leave).

[crestfallenna]

Mother, mother,

Why do your opinions matter?

Your disappointment strikes me to the bone,

When I fail you or do something you cannot condone.

I've told myself over and over,

That I've stopped caring a long time ago,

But then I lay in my bed and become sober,

Because deep down I already know,

That your opinions do matter,

My sweet, violent, two-faced mother.

-by ahopelessromantika-

[crestfallenna]

the thing with grief is it becomes a part of the walls, and the grass, and your shoelaces, and the blankets, and nothing will ever fill you as much as grief leaves you wanting. And you can’t avoid it unless you never love. This world I have love for, the people I have love for, so much I have love for. I cannot grieve it all in the palm of my hand, so instead I will wear my love on my shoulders and I will love away all the grief and I will grieve all my love and eventually neither will overpower the other. Than I will learn and I will ask myself “what am I grieving?” I am too young for it. What am I grieving. I’m grieving my mother’s youth. I’m grieving all this trauma I will never understand because it’s not mine. So after all has been felt. What am I left with? What am I grieving?

[crestfallenna]

"I'm trying."

"Well, you aren't trying your best."

"But I am!"

"Still, your best is not enough."

"That's because nothing I do will be enough in your eyes. I don't even know why I'm still trying my hardest to please you."

-by ahopelessromantika-

[crestfallenna]

And when neither parent is a comfort, you live haunted by their shadows instead of finding your way out from under them.

Soman Chainani, from Quests for Glory

[crestfallenna]

peace be upon those who laugh,

with years of crying in their hearts.