crikeymate420

[crikeymate420]

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

Preferably six feet under.

[crikeymate420]

I know that I’ll die by committing suicide; it’s only a matter of when

[crikeymate420]

the urge to torture myself and self-sabotage because trying is so humiliating. i need to look pretty when i ask for help. i bet i looked so humiliating and ugly.

[crikeymate420]

y'all i need to talk to my psychiatrist asap i think i went into PTSD induced psychosis 🫤

[crikeymate420]

oh so it gets better. when? when does it get better, huh? 16 years and it's just getting worse. even if it does get better i dont think i can hold on long enough for it LOLOLOL kms

[crikeymate420]

this is going to be a long ass rant, bare with me lol.

Sooooo.

I have two little brothers. When I was 9 and middle child was 4, we had a good relationship. But then two things happened.

1) Our abusive parents abandoned us

2) Youngest child was JUST born

I was traumatized. He was traumatized. I didn't know how to cope with my emotions in any way except for what my parents taught me. And they taught me violence. anger. abuse.

I hate to say this because I feel so guilty but I can only imagine how he is feeling. I honestly used to be abusive.

I treated middle child the worst because he's older. Therefore, he associates the youngest being born with me starting the abuse. Especially because I wasn't as mean to the youngest.

"Me and Rei got along before you were born! I wish you were dead!" - middle child (something along those lines).

It wasn't because of the youngest. It's because I couldn't cope with my trauma. It's because I didn't fancy abusing a baby.

The abuse went on for far longer than it should have. I am extremely ashamed of it. It's normal for siblings to banter, yes, but I would never interact with them unless it was to scream at them. When I was 10 I hit the middle child. I usually pushed him around but I remember this one time where I slapped his back. He was crying and he had a red handprint swelled up on his back.

Our guardian compared me to our parents and I stopped that shit. But I still did it, and no kid should ever, ever have to go through that. Older sibling abuse is too normalized.

It stopped when I was 15, almost 16. For a year I didn't live with them, so the abuse went on for 4 years. Four years! It wasn't very often that I interacted with them but whenever I did, I was cruel.

I was institutionalized and put on psych medication. Ever since then, I have put so much effort into being kind. That doesn't erase four years of abuse. I will never be able to erase that. It haunts me.

But I know it haunts him worse.

Today I fucked up. I was just trying to be the cool older sister, you know?

The youngest saw my lighter on my desk and grabbed it. I took it and hid it and played dumb, but obviously that didn't work.

We talked for a minute and he begged me to let him use it. He wanted to show me that he knew how. I didn't really believe him.

My dumbass handed him the lighter. I told him to only do it once and be quick.

This is where I fucked up. I asked him to pinky promise he wouldn't tell our guardian. I was mostly joking. Sure I didn't want her to know (only because I was worried she would argue) but if he wants to tell her that is completely okay. I didn't say all of that out loud, though.

He lit it really quick and I was genuinely surprised because I didn't expect him to know how. And then middle child walked in, and the youngest went, "Rei let me use her lighter!!"

I pretended to be offended. Middle child says he's going to tell our guardian, but then says it was a joke. I said I'd fight him as a joke. A joke I make all the time.

So, they left. And then I sat for a second. Reflected.

Why did I do that? I let someone under the age of 10 use a lighter??? And why did I tell him to keep it secret??????

Immediately I decided that I was going to tell him that he does not ever have to keep secrets. If he wants to tell, that is okay. I never want him to feel like he can't tell somebody something.

I was preparing my little speech.

Meanwhile, middle child was evidently NOT joking. He told our guardian. He didn't like that youngest child had a lighter. He didn't like that he was told to be secretive.

Youngest child tried running back to my room to warn me.

Middle child became terrified of my reaction. He grabbed youngest child and forced him outside. In self defense, youngest child bit his finger. The youngest ran back to my room, sobbing.

Next thing I know, our guardian is yelling about me letting him use a lighter. She is only mad because I told him to keep it a secret. I'm trying to ignore her to focus on the youngest because he's literally hiding under my bed, terrified, crying.

My guardian explained stuff to me, youngest explained stuff to me. I got the full picture. Honestly I was horrified and I explained everything to my guardian. I told her she needs to tell the middle child that I am not angry with him at all, and I actually believe he did the right thing. He was trying to protect his brother and I really like that. And that I was planning to talk to the youngest.

The middle child was scared of my reaction. You know what that says about me? That he's scared of me? That means I've done things to make him believe that he should be scared of me. His initial reaction is to panic and try to protect himself by getting rid of the youngest. Because I've led him to believe that he needs to protect himself.

I told the youngest that I'm sorry that happened and it was not my intention at all. I explained that I was going to tell him about the secret thing. It honestly didn't click in my brain that it's a fucked up thing to say because I wasn't serious.

Youngest child has the instinct to come to me when he is scared because I've shown that I am here to help him.

Middle child has the instinct to protect himself from me because I've shown him that I can hurt him.

I don't know how to react. Where to go from here.

I told the youngest that I could hang out with him and the middle child. The youngest said that he only wants to hang out with me.

...

I told him that I would figure it out. That we could play games on my phone together after he goes to the park.

I'll hang out with the middle child after that if he would like to. I really need to hang out with them more.

I am a horrible person. If not now, I definitely used to be. I can't erase my mistakes but I can try to prove that I'm a different person now. Moments like these are like a brick to the face. I can't imagine being mean to them now. I forget that middle child is expecting me to be.

🙂🔫

[crikeymate420]

i fucking hate bpd its ruining my life and my relationships

[crikeymate420]

i dont know what's wrong with me

[crikeymate420]

i feel like i ruin everything i don't even know why im involved

[crikeymate420]

the reason i don't let go of hugs first is because I never want to let go. could stay like that forever

[crikeymate420]

i still think its fucking insane that a grown ass man used to force me to give him hugs and say "i love you"

[crikeymate420]

so many people have touched me sexually but i can count on one hand how many have touched me affectionately. which is funny because i hate sex and i love hugs

[crikeymate420]

i keep telling myself, "things won't always be like this" and it's a comforting thought. but it still really fucking sucks in the moment CAN WE HURRY IT UP?? PLEASE????

[crikeymate420]

i genuinely hate how touch starved i am. but im also scared to ask people for hugs and things similar.

[crikeymate420]

i want to be somewhat muscular. strong. i want to be masculine. but i was nerfed with body dysmorphia and a fucking eating disorder that wants me to be deathly skinny. this shit is rigged.

[crikeymate420]

I HATE MY BODY why did i have to be cursed with an inverted triangle body shape

[crikeymate420]

content warning // bodycheck 😶

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