crissaddiary

[crissaddiary]

don’t tell me i’m overthinking. i’m overfeeling and it’s not the same.

[crissaddiary]

The fact that I keep you on my mind day and night. That should be enough right? I'm so overwhelmed by the thought of you that I feel like I'm losing my mind. My heart and soul crave your presence. Your laughter and silliness is always ringing in my ears. I feel mentally stable enough to want you back in my life but I'm afraid. I broke your heart and I don't think forgiveness is something I'm worthy of. But I want to try and reach out but I'm a coward.

[crissaddiary]

It’s been a while,

nearly two whole years.

Do you ever think about me?

Do you wonder how I’ve changed?

How I’m doing?

What I’m doing?

If I still think about you?

That one’s easy.

How couldn’t I?

719 days,

and I’ve spent every one

thinking about you.

Oh, I wish you could just tell me

how your soul is.

Maybe we’ve both changed,

not too much,

just enough

to be familiarly new.

Just enough

to rediscover each other,

to learn one another again,

still know which words sound the sweetest.

What do I do with all this?

With all the love that was here?

What do I do with the memories?

Where do I put it?

Where does love go

when there’s no one left to give it to?

[crissaddiary]

“My main goal in life right now is to be happy.. thats all”

— Unknown

[crissaddiary]

“Forget what you were, and look forward to what you could be.”

— Nicole Sager

[crissaddiary]

I want to talk to you so bad right now. The urge to message you and tell you everything I'm thinking. I feel like I'm about to erupt. I miss you and still have a soul tie, my heart still sees you out. Not a day has gone by I don't think of you. Day night or even when I'm with my friends I still sneak a peak at your profile to see if anything has changed. Your bio or status hopes to see you doing better than me.

[crissaddiary]

[crissaddiary]

My anxiety almost hit near panic attack today, and I've no where to go for this. Seems like my mental state has been at an all time low since my diagnosis with heart problems. I can't seem to shake the bad even tho I've had my ablation and was told I should be back to normal, but I don't feel like myself yet. No I go back and forth I fluctuate my personality just to seem okay but instead I come off as bitter and cold. I've hurt people I love because I get too in my head and anxiety turns into panic then I lash out in anger. I'm trying but that's all I can ever do at the moment. Seeking God and hope he can ease my mind. "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." The word, constantly ringing. I know what it says but somehow doesn't register. Am I a lost cause?

[crissaddiary]

I broke in places no one could see, and smiled like nothing ever cracked.

[crissaddiary]

what a cruel joke it is, to love..

to. love.

[crissaddiary]

“Your naked body should only belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul.”

— Charlie Chaplin in a letter to his daughter, Geraldine

[crissaddiary]

Tired of being tired. But somehow I don't know how to stop it.

i’m tired. but not just “didn’t sleep” tired. soul tired. bone tired. like my body keeps going but nothing inside knows why.

[crissaddiary]

I love you with every dark, broken part of me. The part of me that doesn't deserve love, that part loves you fiercely.

[crissaddiary]

I really hope you're doing better than me, I hope your life is filled with more joy than sorrow. I keep praying God keeps an eye on you and sends you all the comfort and unconditional love you need. Something I couldn't give to you. I still hope one day I can build up the courage to talk and be with you again. For now it would be cruel of me to even reach out to you. I hope God really did make us for each other because my heart is tired of searching when I believe I found the one for me.

[crissaddiary]

I want to talk to you so bad right now. What are you doing? What are you thinking? How are you feeling? Are you getting proper rest? Are you still thinking about me? Cause I still think about you all the time.

[crissaddiary]

In the midst of heartache and detachment from a long lost battle of "love", a situationship that nearly broke me entirely. On the verge of giving up, I found you. You, the complete opposite of him. You, the one I hurt at the end. I prayed and prayed hoping to find answers. I hoped and asked for someone like you. And yet I let my insecurities and selfishness take over and I hurt you. I hate myself for doing this. I made others convince me that breaking your heart was a good idea. Saying I'll be better off and find someone better. Because I'd past trauma you had no fault in, you were labeled as a "crash out". In my heart I felt your pain and I could never think of you like that. I hurt when the people around me pointed fingers saying he's not worth it. I believed them at first instead of thinking for myself. I let the thoughts bubble up and I broke you, and me. I had three weeks of torture in my mind "what if". It rang deep in my ear and soul. He didn't deserve this. How I wish I could go back, but is it too late? How could I bother his healing process like this? He deserves better and he deserves to be happy. God if you can hear me, please, heal his soul and bring him joy and happiness that no one can break. Not even me.

[crissaddiary]

I still think about you day and night, seems like my heart won't forget. The prints you left on my heart seem to be permanent and I do not wish to let them fade. Find your way and I still pray to God that we find our way back to each other. But for now please God help him find his inner peace with you and then find me.