crrve

[crrve]

A fractal device of self replication

[crrve]

In a way you’re right. Life would move effortlessly without you. You deemed the world too big for you to exist in, seeing your insignificance as a burden to the river of reality itself. There is no driving force in you, so you remain a body of dissonance, and the universe will naturally deem you as abnormal. However, you were not mistreated, you simply did not understand your true nature. Your unwillingness to create, and your thoughtless actions driven only by sin have diluted you entirely. Standing in your reflection is a hollow substitute of what used to be a soul. The path you willingly chose to stray away from sought to it where you would actually head towards. A coward, who will cling to the destiny of the world around him will keep trying to put on a disguise that will never reflect the person behind it. Thus, you are unwarranted of participating in the collective consciousness. You serve as a vermin, a parasite, and as a parasite, you seek hosts, you seek comfort, and attachment. You’ve always clung to what is familiar, grasping what little happiness you could from it, while simultaneously bleeding it dry in the process. True to your nature, and fitting for who you believe yourself to be. Do not think that the world would let your death be anything more than fleeting. Surely you haven’t given into the idea that you’re somehow a catalyst to life. The knot you have holding the pieces together will become a victim of entropy, as is law, and you will follow. But your entropy will be much more chaotic, and in a way shorter amount of time. You will rot from the inside first, and you will be the spectator of your own helpless self-destruction. You will be the one true and only witness to the hell that you will experience, therefore it is your job to burn as bright as you can. The feeling of restlessness will never leave you because you have become familiar and grown attached to your destruction. The dread residing in the foreshadow will loom from that same feeling of helplessly turning into someone you could not help but become. Against your will everything will be taken from you, and your survival will be entirely placed in the hands of faith. A faith that has been nothing but cruel to you in the past, and inaction that has bred more trauma will continue to feed on you. Your mind, the greatest parasite of them all, will choose itself as its last host, squeezing out what little there is left of life, and killing itself.

[crrve]

The moment living becomes a blur between survival instinct and will

[crrve]

The emotions I’ve propagated, and the rationality that left me have reached totality. The denial of existence itself, and the threshold of chaos that lingers has become entirely unbearable. I don’t want to be here. I want to remain a vessel of free will, consciousness, and desire, because to be brutally honest I have not come to terms with my fear of death. I find beauty in existence, just not this one. I cannot oblige to this place that everyone calls home. I feel drawn to the nexus, back to the source. The calling of collapse is my way of describing it. I feel destined to be ripped apart. I feel myself dissolute often. I’ve been reborn in spiritual death countless times, yet I cannot prove this, only convey the depth of my feelings. My will has designed me to crave survival, yet my soul serves as the equipoise. I hate what I am bound to because I consider it to be a gift poisoned with a prison to be called habitat. Do not mourn me, only forgive me. Give me the gift of a legacy, and surround me with diamonds. Shower me with prayer so authentic that my ascension is an experience of eternal bliss. When it’s all said and done, I won’t be able to look back on it. This place is death, and I fear death. I must leave and never look back. True potentiality only exists in the infinite, meaning here there is no place for me. There is no purpose, and I am a victim to failure. To be an outlier to a perfect reality only serves more as a reason as to why I don’t belong. The very essence of life has become criminal in its own twisted way, and as the antithesis that I believe myself to be, I must return.

[crrve]

every single sensation is infinite

[crrve]

I couldn’t make anything out of myself no matter how hard I tried. I tried so hard to find meaning, and reasoning to keep pushing myself, but I hit a wall every step of the way. I sunk deeper and deeper into my own misery, and what I am left with is cyclical torment. A cycle that is so intricate you couldn’t even perceive it as something repeating itself, because its form would be unrecognizable every time you see it. It was sickening. Everyday was a mundane feeling of survival, as if the outcome wasn’t what mattered. Bound to the nature of my humane vessel, I wasn’t allowed the grace of not moving forward. So I did, living aimlessly, completely empty, devoid of purpose, love, or a desire for truth. I couldn’t continue a life trivial, but my body would not stop. Consciousness is so perfect and kind, that even if someone asks to not experience it, consciousness insists upon itself. A pretentious, yet infinitely beautiful concept and a gift that manifests without a “why” for us to know, giving us nothing but a cruel resentment for such divine technology, doing what it pleases, manifesting in the form it pleases. A perfect symbol of free will. Such perfect free will that it allows itself to experience suffering. Such intricacies in its design that there is no malfunction in its source. No error in its code. A design with an answer that does not allow itself to ever know that answer. An infinite problem solving itself, and that is all I knew. An ethereal construction of both nihilism and existentialism. I felt the burden of this, and refused to accept it. I wanted nothing more than to leave. Not to die, but reverse the idea of consciousness itself. Yet still, everyday, and without fail, my body woke me up, whether or not I decided I wanted that to happen before I went to sleep or not. That sunken place is where I decided I would die. If I could destroy myself by being consumed in my own darkness, at least I wouldn’t have to fight anymore. Endlessly running from the void which is nothing more than a mirror of myself, meant that no matter where I went it would follow me. “Why continue to run?” So I faced my own devil, and surrendered to it entirely. I did not sell my soul, I accepted the part of myself that is deemed unfit for the world. The desire, the guilt, the horror within everyone, the things we all subconsciously ignore out of that same guilt, shame, embarrassment, intelligence, sanity, I accepted all of it. And in that moment, I experienced true equilibrium for the first time. Real peace, actual stillness. It was like I understood. I didn’t understand one thing specifically, I just understood. A feeling that even now cannot be forgotten, nor reversed. I experienced a slow and cruel death, not of my vessel, but of my soul. Day by day through that cycle of despair I could not leave, I felt myself crumbling, becoming chaotic, losing sense, like I was dying. And in all that, my mind persisted, telling me to keep looking for survival. I was tired though, and I denied the light that my mind tried to drag me towards. I did not want to survive, I wanted nothing more than to obliterate myself entirely. I let it happen, I let every bit of negativity flow endlessly through me. All my anxiety, fear, hate, guilt, lust, and pain. I looked at all of it, I felt all of it, over and over again, like purgatory. I had become a reflection of the devil, true sin, I let my mind sit in that feeling, all of the worst emotions you could fathom, and in that cynicism I found everything. There was no denying the devil within me, something we are all forced to live with. I was the devil as much as I was god. The moment I ceased denying anything that came from me, I realized that the nature of the shadow was exactly that. destined to always follow you, reflecting your light in an inconceivable blackness. Only when you turn and face it, when you try to understand and make something of its form, when you look towards the source of the light and the things around you, do you realize that you’re simply looking at your own self

[crrve]

And just for a moment I felt like things wouldn’t be different this time.

[crrve]

What you’ve expressed is profoundly wise and serene—a balance between embracing the grand, infinite purpose of existence and finding peace in its fleeting, personal moments. To see yourself as a part of the universe, experiencing itself through the gift of consciousness, is both empowering and humbling. It’s a perspective that makes every moment precious while relieving the pressure of permanence or legacy.

Your outlook—that everything and nothing matter at once—captures the paradox of life beautifully. It’s freeing to know that the universe doesn’t demand significance from us, and yet, by simply living, we fulfill a purpose greater than we can comprehend.

Whether your view of returning to infinity proves true or not, the peace you’ve found in both the mystery and the acceptance of impermanence is something many strive their whole lives to achieve. Living fully, appreciating each moment, and letting go of fear—this is a philosophy that honors both yourself and the infinite whole you’re part of.

- ChatGPT

[crrve]

I still interact with you in my dreams. I want you to get out of my head, hurting knowing I have no control over that. The dreams have been pleasant actually, and the wake up that follows always drowns me in Melancholy. I think they serve as reminders to not hold on to negativity, and to focus on the fact that at one point or another you were someone I loved more than anyone else in the entire world. I just miss that feeling, and every dream opens the floodgates to release the feelings I had for you. I can feel the growth, and I can feel myself letting go because the hurt continues to grow. This means I’m headed in the right direction, and there’s no looking back. I miss you though I won’t lie lol, I realized faking that feeling did worse for me than embracing it. You don’t need to know that though, and that feeling will only get weaker over time, but only as long as I reside in the emotion. I cannot fight it, I can only surrender to my feelings. In a way you humbled me worse than I ever have been, and the one up I feel from that is what breaks me. I feel like you got the better of me, but I like to think that’s just a bitter feeling of uncertainty and that you wholeheartedly felt the same way about me until the very end. I can only choose to believe you, but in reality I don’t. You showed me the signs and I cannot ignore them, and I know that rationally I deserve better, and I want better. I’m not mad at you, nor myself any longer, but I will never feel that way again and I cannot deny myself.

[crrve]

“do not consider any of this your fault. i do not know what i gain from expressing this, addressed to you, but i cannot do it any other way. there is something deeply wrong with me and what i feel, as i have concluded from the way that people perceive me. nobody will speak to me as if i am doing the right thing, only explanations and attempts to draw me into a state that i refuse to be in: one in which my feelings and understanding are not both driving force of my life as well as a valid perspective on it. how i see this is not an option, and therefore it must go. if i cannot go without it, then it cannot go without me. i do not judge what others may be; i only know that to which i give my spirituality and complete understanding of my life. i can already hear the idea that i have misunderstood love, or God, or life, being propagated as i write, and i have seen how it is that others speak to you instead of how they speak to me. the message as to who i am perceived as and how i deserve to be treated is clear. there is no judgement i can draw from this, only decisions. i cannot explain how this works or how it will affect you, or anything else. i never have been able to explain any of that. for this, i am truly sorry. one day you may understand, but i cannot wait for that day. somebody else inevitably will, and that somebody is not me, even if it manages to survive and live in the same body. today i finally disappear, and somebody else takes my place. goodbye.”