cry-ze

[cry-ze]

it has been way too long since i last talked with you. maybe i did something wrong. maybe you think you did something wrong. what i only know now is that we don’t talk anymore like we used to, although i still want to. oh well.

[cry-ze]

56751175

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Aldritch by yy6242

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Lorian, Elder Prince / Lothric, Younger Prince by yy6242

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ah yes, the classic Legend of Zelda instrument: the slide-whistle.

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sa paglalim ng gabi ay kasabay ang pag-liyab ng apoy na namumuo sa aking dibdib, ang apoy na ating natanaw sa malayo, habang nakaupo sa damuhan sa dis-oras ng gabi.

“dapat bang tumawag ng tulong?” sabi mo. nakatitig ka sa malayo, minamasid ang apoy. hindi mo man lang nakita ang napakalapit lang. nakatitig ako sa iyong mga matang sinasalamin ang kulay ng pagsikat ng araw. nakatitig ako sa iyong mga mata, iniisip na huwag-- wala kang kailangang tawagan. hindi natin kailangang ibsan ang buhay nitong liyab, nitong dagitab, nitong munting kulay na minsan lamang dumapo sa iyong mga mata.

sa pagsilip ng pula, ng dilaw at kahel sa malayo ay kasabay ang bawat pintig ng aking puso, ang bugso ng aking dugo, ang pagsuko. 

lumipas ang ilang minuto at namatay din ang apoy.

naabutan natin ang pagsikat ng araw.

[cry-ze]

i think it’s sad that i receive so little affection that i get so fucking hung up on the simplest of things. napakaliit na bagay pero eto ako, yun parin yung iniisip. paulit-ulit sa utak ko yung mga nangyari nung gabing yun. hindi ko alam kung bakit ako ganito, siguro kasi ang tagal na nung huling may nagpakita sa akin ng ganung feelings or whatever, ewan ko hahah nakakalungkot isipin noh. you’re probably not as hung up as i am, of course-- after all, you have a girlfriend. sino ba naman ako para higitan yun hahha linggo-linggo mong inuuwian yun eh hahahaahhahahha

siguro i’m hung up on the thought na shet, may ganito pala. yung lagi kong iniisip na hihintayin ko, na magkakagusto sakin dahil sa kung sino ako, yung tipong we spend a hell of a night together and then boom feelings, pero puta bakit parang mali ata yung timing?

anyways hahahhah crush lang naman diba

[cry-ze]

it’s so hard to be hung up on one night. :-(

[cry-ze]

I wish we could’ve stayed in that moment, 11pm, each a bottle of beer inside us, each looking into the other’s eyes, waiting for a word to be uttered.

“Tell me one unique thing about yourself,” you had asked me, earlier that night, and I admit, I didn’t know what to say. I never know what to say.

“I don’t know, man. Nothing, I think,” i told you, and then I laughed, and then you laughed with me. You had me thinking, is there ever really something special about me? Something in me that had caught your eye, that had triggered these events, and then suddenly we’re listening to spoken word performances and acoustic bands, we’re sharing these feelings and memories that I know in myself can never be replaced. Later that night, you said that you had to leave at 12 midnight– 12 midnight came and I looked at you, and you smiled at me, and you stayed there with me for two more hours.

What it was in me that had caught your eye, I do not know– maybe you know me more than I know myself.

Darling, I wish we could’ve stayed there a little bit more– I want to know more about myself.

[cry-ze]

Hi crush crush mo din ako diba ikaw na nagsabi pero bakit ka may jowaers huhubells ok feelings overload ayoko na po huhu im craving affection shetballs hahsjonakoquwvlfocbqbksbxbxkajwoejhgeg

[cry-ze]

I don't like being sober. Sober me is full of depression.

[cry-ze]

i have these off days, when i feel like absolute shit, as if time is achingly, slowly passing by, while the world whizzes on around me and i stare through a semi-opaque sheet of fragile, yet unbreakable glass that can only be shattered with very specific spontaneity.

and then i have these distractions that make me forget about that, these people that take me away from the dark corner that is myself, that is my mind, that is what i feel whenever i look at myself and wonder where the girl with principles has gone. if she is still inside me, i wonder, if she is still thinking about her future, about what she wants to do, about how she should manage her grades and her studies, not her mental and emotional health. i look at myself and i see someone else, someone much, much happier, but a little less responsible. someone much, much riskier, and a little less analytical. i see someone, i see the kind of person that i’ve always sworn i would never be, i see myself coming home at 2am, sneaking around, making up lies to cover up my dirty trail, briskly brushing my teeth to cover the smell of alcohol, changing my clothes to get rid of the pungent smell of smoke, pretending to have had enough sleep when i wake up in the morning, reminding myself that i should probably go home earlier the next day but then i fail to comply, waking up late, going to class late, sleeping in class, reassuring myself that i’m still the bright person that i used to be, still the girl who could answer a test without studying, still the girl that my parents thought i was; the girl who spent her time studying, the girl who was home by sunset, the girl who swore to her mother that she would never drink or stay out too late, the girl that i thought i would be.

 the girl my mother wished i would be.

the girl that i never want to be.

because this is me. this is who i’m happy with.

[cry-ze]

hindi kasi ako yung babeng jinojowa. ang panget pakinggan noh? pero tao rin naman ako. ayoko sanang problemahin to pero sobrang nalulungkot lang ako pag naaalala ko eh hahha ewan nakakainis lang. ayun. ok.

[cry-ze]

Thank you for the distractions.

[cry-ze]

I want to find my sun, i want to find a sun like this.

she guessed my favorite color first try..

but between me and u……. i didnt even have a favorite color until she yelled out yellow!! she was hella excited n smiling like a little kid. so i told her she was right and i havent seen yellow the same since, its in everything. i could probably live in it now. 

[cry-ze]

hindi naman kita kilala at mas lalong hindi mo ako kilala pero aaminin ko sa iyo ng buong-buo, noong una kong mahawakan ang iyong kamay, alam ko na sa sarili ko na hinding-hindi ko na papakawalan ang limang daliring mahigpit na nakabalot sa lima ko ring daliri. alam ko na sa puso ko mismo na yung maliit, malamig, at matamlay mong kamay ay dapat naiinitan at nabubuhayan ng kamay ko na ang gusto lamang gawin ay protektahan ka at suportahan ka sa lahat ng gagawin mo. hindi naman talaga kita kilala noon at mas lalo mo akong hindi kilala, pero hindi ko parin binitawan ang iyong kamay, sa takot na baka sa susunod ay hindi na kita makita.

at, hay, nang masilayan ko ang iyong mga mata, nagliyab sa loob ng aking dibdib ang isang apoy na hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling. siguro ay sa kislap ng iyong mga mata ay naiangat mula sa patay ang kung ano’y akala ko ay hinding-hindi nang mabubuhay pang muli. 

at siguro, nung dumating sa wakas ang segundong may nakita akong bahid ng ngiti sa iyong mga labi, pakiramdam ko ay kilalang-kilala na kita simula pa noong pagkabata mo, hanggang sa iyong pinakahuling paghinga. para kumbagang hindi na bale na mabitawan kita, dahil nakikita ko na sa iyong pagngiti na ikaw na mismo ay hindi na rin bibitaw. kilala na kita sa aspetong alam ko na ikaw ang bubuo sa buhay ko na bago ko mahawakan ang kamay mo ay walang kwenta at walang direksyon. kilala na ktia dahil alam ko na ikaw ang babaeng papakasalan ko at mamahalin ko habambuhay. 

ayoko nang bitawan ang iyong kamay. sa rally na ito, sa gitna ng kaguluhan, hindi mo ako binitawan at hindi kita binitawan. kahit nagka-stampede pa’t nagkagulo na ang lahat, ilang tao ang nadaganan, ilang mga paa ang nabali, ilang mga kamay ang nahiwalay, ang atin, hindi parin. laking pasasalamat ko at iyo pa ang naabutan ko nang maipit tayo sa gulo na ito. 

pareho tayong estudyante, nakakatanda ako sayo ng isang taon. hindi naman natin sinadyang dumaan sa kanto kung saan nakatakda ang pagsugod ng ilang daang estudyante dahil sa pagtaas ng bayarin. hinawakan ko ang iyong kamay, at mahigpit kang kumapit. magkasama tayong tumakbo papalayo sa gulo. 

hindi naman kita kilala at mas lalong hindi mo ako kilala, pero ngayon, bilang simula, nais ko munang malaman kung ano ang iyong pangalan. 

[cry-ze]

and yet again i’m back inside the same, old, lonely pit of the sick feeling of being so unfulfilled. as if something has always been missing. whenever i think that i’ve finally found that one thing that i thought would complete me, something pulls me back, yet maybe even deeper, into the infinite hole of disappointment that i’ve been living in for the past sixteen years. tell me, what is it that i’m looking for?

maybe i need help. maybe i’m just sad. am i? sometimes i don’t even know what i really feel. was i really happy, or was i just trying to convince myself that i was? maybe, maybe i need help.