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11 years of recovery!!!!!!!!!

Sharing these 2 year old cartoons <3

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“You won’t even know how to love yourself enough to quit.”

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You can’t know you are above your set point range.  You aren’t God.  And quite honestly, I bet God doesn’t care about your body weight.  You got stuff to do in this life that shouldn’t be affected by the size of you and I truly believe God never meant for our body size to limit us so and occupy so much of our brainspace.

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“What I’ve also learned is that when people claim sugar lights up the same regions of the brain as cocaine or other drugs, that isn’t fully true. In the studies done on rats, that only happens under forced deprivation aka dieting. Like we talked about above, under deprivation and restriction a person’s reward response is heightened. We could go on and on about this for hours, but I think the take home point is that food has an enhanced reward response under conditions of restriction and deprivation either mentally or physically. Food and drugs do share neural pathways, but the brain does not develop a physiological dependency on food substances.”

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The wellness industry IS the diet industry, and the diet industry is a function of the patriarchal beauty standard under which women either punish themselves to become smaller or are punished for failing to comply.

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BECAUSE THIS IS TRUE INTIMACY. Before, you were surviving. You were in escape mode. Now? YOU ARE HERE. You have to be present. You can’t hide from yourself. That’s what makes recovery such a thrill and a trial and an opportunity to grow.

Adapated from https://www.thecut.com/2019/05/ask-polly-i-am-a-very-jealous-wife.html 

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RECOVERY

GUESS WHO STILL DOESN’T HAVE AN EATING DISORDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Almost 8 years :) 

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Friendly Reminder

Things That Are Dangerous: Diet culture, telling woman they are only as valuable as their looks, Trump

Things That Aren’t Dangerous: ice cream bars, cupcakes, brownies

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Gave away the last of the clothes that don’t fit from when I had an eating disorder

This one is tricky! As part of recovery your body may change and if it changes a lot, then you should get rid of the clothes that no longer fit it. In my case I was thinner when I had the eating disorder and so I *am* glad that I hoarded clothes back then, because then I still had the regular clothes to wear when I returned to a healthy-for-me weight. But now that things are (relatively) stable, time to get rid of those clothes! Especially the stuff that is simply too small to ever be healthy for me. BYE BYE! SEE YA LATER! DONESO!

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Shoutout to myself for not taking stomach flu as an excuse to use restrictive behavior again! I made sure to get as many calories as I needed during and make up for any lost time after. :) Yesssssss to being healthy and committed to wellness. Noooooooo to stomach flu on vacation.

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"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. A corollary to that is that, if you stop believing in something and it stays gone, it likely was never real to begin with.”

When you stop believing your friends love you, and the keep on loving you anyway. 

When you stop believing in your eating disorder, and it begins to fade away. 

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‪#‎GameOfThrones‬ ‪#‎spoilers‬ 

Wrote this after watching Season 6, Episode 6 “Blood of My Blood” 

Watching Arya's story as a metaphor for eating disorder recovery. Sometimes the thing that saved you back in the day is actually super fucked up. Sometimes the thing you've been working really hard for is not a good thing. Trust your instinct. Smash the scale like a poisoned glass. When you first decide to stop hurting yourself you will have to keep your sword by your bed at night. You will be terrified, but you will have a sense that you're making the right choice and that feeling will buoy you through all uncertainty, through all doubt. You do not know where you are going, you only know that you're not going back.

If you're thinking, we'll it's really obvious where Arya is going - she's going to kill that other sadistic assassin lady, then yes I agree. This reminds me of how when I stopped counting calories, I actually just replaced it with counting the number of days since I had stopped counting calories. Clearly there was still an underlying problem with needing to count things, or in Arya's case, seeing murder as the only solution. Maybe murder is the only way anyone ever taught her to deal with her problems. In this case I think a one time murder is much better than forever being a servant of a murdering god.

Also worth considering, what is the significance of both the other assassin and the planned victim (the actress) being women? The actress is the first healthy adult woman Arya has talked to in a long time, as I recall. Is the sadistic assassin a heavy handed stereotype of the way women compete with other women? (as suggested by the excellent MTV review)

Also Arya probably just went through puberty, like many people who struggle with eating disorders.

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Healing is not linear